Should I move in with my boyfriend

28 year old needs advice. I've been dating my boyfriend for five months now. Things are great. He lives down the street from me which is convenient. Unfortunately we are both divorced as of last November. We were both cheated on and didn't want the divorce so we have that in common but we know now that we are much happier because of it and neither one of us should have gotten married in the first place.We are both so happy we are out of those bad relationships. Anyway, since my divorce my 4 year old and I have been staying with my parents. I make good money but it's too expensive to pay for daycare and a mortgage. However, I'm still looking for my own place and saving up and he knows that (my boyfriend owns his own house). About a month ago he asked me if I wanted to just move in with him. It's very hard for him to afford the mortgage on his own but doesn't want to get a roommate because we wouldn't have alone time etc. I sleep there a few nights a week and he's met my daughter on numerous occasions. She doesn't have a relationship with her father and I'm not looking for him to be her "dad" but he has done more things with her in the few months that I've known him than her real father ever had. He asked me to move in and I told him we should think about it and not rush into things. Why ruin a good thing? He asked me again last week on two different occasions. I told him I don't want to live with someone without a commitment and he understood. Well, as of last week my brother is going to be staying with my parents and I too. He is also now going through a horrible divorce. My divorce wasn't bad- clean break basically. my brother has no choice but to live with us until the divorce is final and they determine what happens with his house/finances. He to has a 9 year old that will be staying with us 3 nights a week. Our house is small, everyone gets along and it's nice to be around my family and I'm grateful to be able to help my brother go through this hard time but it's getting to be too much. My boyfriend would charge me 1/4 of what the average rent is around my area. He has a decent size house and it's right near my parents which is fantastic. He has two dogs that I love and could also help with. I'm so scared to ruin a good thing but I want to move in with him so bad. Not only to get some sanity away from my family but to have a more stable environment for my daughter. Even though she loves being around her family, it stressed me out living with my entire family. I get aggravated and feel like I can't be the best Mom I can be. I'm nervous to bring it up- what if he wasn't that serious about it? If we do think it's a good idea should we slowly transition my things over there or do it all in one day? I'm so nervous to make another mistake again. I really want to do the right thing for me, my daughter and my relationship. help!

Updates:
I asked him if the offer to move in was still open and he said, "honestly, I was thinking about it but I don't think we should rush into anything" I said, At first I was nervous but after thinking about it I did like the idea of living with you. That being said, I like the way things are going and I don't want to rush it especially since we are both nervous.. Since it would help both of us out, if you don't find a roommate- lets talk about it in a few months" Hopefully things won't be awkward
 

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  • i would do a slow transition.

  • The best thing for your child would be to NOT rush into anything you aren't sure of. Family living is tight quarters and stressful, but your familiy is also a sure thing. If you moved in with him she would get attached to him a lot faster and what if it didn't work out? Then she's had to men walk out of her life. I moved in with my Boyfriend at 3 months and we were engaged at 8 months. I never once doubted it though, I knew it was the right thing to do. If I had doubts I would not have moved so quickly.

    • *two men walk out

  • Just do it. I don't know what you mean about ruining a good thing. You're both clearly adults, it's not like you're not mature enough for a relationship. At this age you have to be looking for something serious. Living together will only make you guys closer and it seems like the best choice right now. If things don't work out, then it wasn't meant to be.

    • good point :) Most days I have the same attitude. We miss each other when we aren't together and I would like to have my daughter with me at all times (opposed to someone watching her so I could go to his house).

  • i think five months is too soon

    • thanks for the advice. much appreciated...

  • Selected as most helpful

    I wouldn't recommend it. Doesn't matter though; it is your best option. Do it.


    A slow transition is the way to gobut before you move in, like everything else in the universe, get a contract for how much rent actually is and something that legally says you are splitting this and that. Why? Because humans are insanely unpredictable. It doesn't just protect you, it protects your daughter, and the fact that location is right next to home is such a plus that I'm not concerned as I would be if it were anywhere else and things do happen to go sour.


    I don't think it will mind you but you plan for the worst and hope for the best, esp. if you have children involved, and the simplest way to work with this is to just cover your ass so you can move into forever happy after land.


    So the checklist is simple:


    1. Get an actual agreement that dictates what you will really pay.

    2. Move your stuff slowly so that the transition is easy on the child.


    Two things.


    If he resists the contract just tell him that you want to do it for your child ( because you do ) and that since both of you have been screwed in divorces and love in general it isn't so much a matter of trust as it is as matter of learning from your past mistakes. He will respect this far more than if you give an emotional answer since it makes a hell of a lot more sense AND he can relate. It's win/win

    • I recommend the transition be made within 2 mos. to prevent any problems with things being in one place or the other. It depends on what you're moving of course but with all things equal it will create a duality; normally that's awesome but with children it may not be so good. Sudden change is just as bad as prolonged change.

    • thank you for the advice. I would definitely get a contract in place. The best part is, I don't have to move out by a certain date (opposed to living somewhere that has a lease that is about to expire etc.) So I don't feel like we have to rush. Maybe we could talk about a plan of action- like, slowly moving some stuff over and spending more time at his house but not officially move in for a few more months.

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