Why nice guys don't get the girl


Hey GaGers,

As my first myTake I'll be discussing something which for ages has been considered as an universal truth, that nice guys finish last (that is if they ever get to reach the finish line). I have observed that some members of GaG community complain that women do not want nice guys, that they always "friendzone" the nice guys, that women love jerks who treat them badly, the list goes on. But the biggest mistake many such frustrated guys make is that they mistake nice guys to be push overs. So without further ado I will come to the mistakes that these so called "nice guys" make.

Why nice guys don't get the girl.

1. Nice guys always put others' needs before their own

Nice guys generally feel obligated to put others before themselves. In the process they become afraid of expressing their own desires and needs. They will easily give their seat to someone else on a subway train, in public gatherings, or in any other public place if asked to do so (although it is okay if you vacate your place for someone truly in need i.e. elderly or a pregnant lady), they are willing to go miles, even if it is inconvinient for them, just to please the girl of their dreams, they do whatever their parents want them to do no matter whether they themselves like it or not and so on. In short they are not willing to do what they actually want, so that they could please others. In this process they become apologetic wussies who always seek approval from others.

Advise for the nice guys: Stop being a pushover, express more frequently what you want from life and expect from others. Be considerate towards others, but not at the cost of your own freedom, needs and desires.


2. Nice guys ALWAYS agree with what woman of their dreams/crush/love interest says or do.

You want the girl that you like to like you back. If you're going to agree with everything she says she'll be pleased with you and give you her approval right? WRONG. There must be many things on which you will both agree. But when you clearly have a dissenting opinion from hers, you have to express that dissenting view. By respectfully disagreeing with her you prove that you are not a pushover. More important than that you show a quality which is considered very attractive by women as well as men and that is Honesty.

Advise for the nice guys: Don't be a yes man. Be honest with her, and speak what's on your mind.

3. Nice guys do or plan a date considering what their crush/love interest will consider fun.

Nice guy plan a date on basis of solely her interests. Why not instead plan a date at a place where both of you can have fun, on basis of your common interests.

Advise to the nice guys: Show your fun side to her. She'll be more happy to see you enjoy the moments that you're spending with her instead of being a nervous wreck.

4. Nice guys are not afraid to show their emotions.

This point may be most controversial. Nice guys think that showing emotions in early stages of knowing the girl shows that you are not afraid of being open with her. However this can in many cases backfire on you because she'll think that since you're being so impulsive in the early stages of knowing her, you might turn out to be even more emotionally unstable as she'll get to know you. Now consoling you all the time in a relationship is not something that she'll consider fun. This will scare her off.

Advise to the nice guys: Be in control of your emotions. As you two will get to know each other more and develop a level of comfort, you can become more open in expressing your emotions.

So in conclusion guys, you don't have to do all of the above things in order to qualify as a "nice guy". These are some common misconceptions regarding nice guys. Be nice to everyone, embrace the concept of love and respect others but don't forget to be assertive, honest, fun and in control of your emotions on the way.

Disclaimer: I'm not a dating guru or relationship specialist. Everything that is there in this Take is my opinion based solely on my observations which I have gathered through my own experiences and inputs that I have received from friends who are satisfied with their love lives.


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What Girls Said 14

  • They were neveer attractive and pretty much heavily conditioned by people around him. They play one boring role for the rest of their lives.

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  • Some guys who call themselves 'Nice Guys' are not that nice. I dated a what I thought was a 'nice guy' after a terrible bad boy relationship. This nice guy was turned out to be more creepy and Normand Bates vibe after a while. I think some 'Nice Guys' play nice but can be passive aggressive and/or creepy when nice doesn't get them what they want. A true 'Nice Guy' that is at least decent looking usually gets nab up, married and with kids and rarely stays on the market long (and sometimes they have either the psycho girlfriend or literally the perfect woman even if he is just above average looking).

    I also think some girls want a 'Nice Guy' cozy in their friend zone, and if you are chosen sucks to be you. The big brother they never had or just for ego boosting it doesn't matter, some girls just want it. I have two brothers and two male cousins who are enough to fill the guy friend need, so I don't feel the need to have a guy friend to friend zone.

    Everytime 'just friends' with a guy happens it doesn't last, I tested it on both sides of the fence and they were fails all round. Only guy friends I can have are already in a relationship with a girl and/or I am not attracted too and I am more friends with the girlfriend of his or them as a couple, and even then I have had the married man make a pass at me, best case scenario is they are a couple and I am in a relationship, less issue.

    I seem to attract bad boy types or guys who think they are nice guys, I want neither. I like mid row, but hell if I can find it. They end up being a relationship or married, or simply I am not attracted too. C'est la vie.

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    • Many of the so called 'nice guys' are actually manipulators. You seem to attracting that kind of guys I guess.

    • Yeah lucky me right, lol.

  • I've never been fond of "Bad boys," Give me a "Nice Guy" any day.

    Luckily, I found mine, he's the perfect gentlemen with a backbone. He doesn't agree with everything that I say, but he respects me regardless, He's the go to guy if you need him, but he won't overextend himself in the process. He's more than a nice guy, He's a good man.

    I do feel like your take is describing more of a "Pushover," not to say a pushover isn't nice, but being a "Nice Guy" doesn't necessarily mean being a pushover, at least in my eyes. Not all nice guys finish last either.

    If you can't be yourself, if there's no mutual trust, respect, honestly, loyalty and acceptance, You are wasting your time. The right person would never expect you to compromise everything about yourself to make them happy and if you're putting on a fa├žade to "get the girl" not only are you cheating yourself, you'll also be cheating the girl of your desires. So what if you find, you just don't "fit", find someone who does and you'll find something that's REAL. Personally, I'd rather be with someone that loves and wants me, for me, not some mask I'm projecting forward because, I think that's what they want. But maybe that's just me.

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    • I am not saying all nice guys are pushovers, but the ones that claim to be "nice guys and still not getting the girl" are most of the time pushovers or master manipulators.

    • and yes what you said was the point of the take, that many guys do put on a facade to get the girl. The advise that is provided to the nice guys in my take is what actually they can do to be considered actual nice guys.

    • I absolutely agree with what your saying and the advice given, but I do think people need to understand that whether you're a pushover or a lying and manipulative "Nice Guy", ultimately the change has to come from within. Merely suggesting that those who find themselves in this situation take a little time to look at themselves in the mirror and do some soul searching along with actively trying to change their behavior. People can follow these steps to a T and still find themselves to falling back into old habits because, they failed to take the time to make a real change within themselves and their mindset. Enjoyed your take by the way :)

  • I don't mean to be that girl but not all girls like "bad boys"... I have dated nothing but nice guys and in the end they have all been the same: jealous, liars, or in huge need of a tampon.

    I've dated one of the nicest guys in the world but even though he was the sweetest nicest guy he was still a winey little bitch and needy.

    I've dated a ton of amazing and nice guys and I will stand here to this day and defend them. But I learned I didn't need "a nice guy" I needed I guy that suited me.

    I am now dating the perfect guy for me. So it's not really nice guys finish last it's girls need/ are trying to find the guy that patched them the most. And if they aren't than you have what we like to call "daddy issues" or "thirsty"

    I loved your take but at the same time you have to take into consideration that "it's not all girls" just like we know "it's not all guys"

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    • Thank you... Glad you liked it. I guess I should have also included a caveat for many women in myTake, that those overly excessive nice men are not actually nice guys but instead they are master manipulators. You should always remember when judging a guy that "we can be nice, we can be really nice, but we can't be this nice".

  • I really enjoyed reading this! It definitely reminds me of my boyfriend. He fits the 'nice guy' perception, and

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    • Glad that you liked it.

    • Wow, I didn't even realize it didn't post my whole response! Can't remember what I was saying...
      Oops! Sorry XD

  • The girls I know don't have a problem with nice guys. The problem is with the guys that say they're "nice guys" and that's why they don't the girl. Typically the self proclaimed nice guys are total dicks that have a sense of entitlement and that's why they get nowhere. Girls don't want a guy that acts nice because he feels like he has to in order to win her over. Girls want a guy that they can love for being themselves. Why would anyone want to be with someone who is living a life that is not true to who they are?

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    • If only there was a way to put them to the test in order to see if they actually are nice people

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    • Thank you. I just personally don't see the appeal in loving someone for a mask that they threw on to win you. I want something real. If someone is acting different ways to different people to be a people pleaser, I would never be able to say I love that person. I would have to say I love the specific personality they chose to show me.

  • I agree, but this only goes for guys that are actually nice persons, all the self-proclaimed "nice guys" are assholes.

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  • In my experience, the guys that complain about being too nice aren't actually nice people at all. They believe that one compliment should get them 85 blow jobs and one anal experiment (or something equally ridiculous). They never make their intentions known but get SO ANGRY when their feelings aren't shared. Newsflash: if you treat her like a friend, say on many occasions that you're "just friends" and never reveal that you feel differently about her - guess what: she'll think you're friends.

    In the above situation, the dude is the asshole. I don't care. You cannot hold people emotionally hostage for not being up front with your feelings.

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    • I couldn't agree more with this!

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    • I'm sorry, bro, but I'm not going to forgive bad behaviour when I'm encountered with it because someone has had a crappy life. We all have our own crap - you don't get to hold me emotionally hostage over yours.

    • It's not like I'm defending them or anything, in fact many of these 'nice guys' get annoying cause they expect so much for complimenting a woman. Some of them could be master manipulators also. What you said is exactly the reason why many of these so called nice guys fail with women.

  • Also, a lot of nice guys invest energy into people that is disproportionate to their bond level. Some do it hoping to "trap" them into owing him something. Others out of getting too caught up in fantasy where they think they know someone, but it's a scenario in their head. They sometimes even deny reality when a girl is clearly not romantically interested (sleeping with other people, doesn't make time for him, has said no to dates) and keep on investing time and emotions into it. This ties him up for too long to meet a nice girl who WOULD like him and also burns him out. (Nice girls make these mistakes too).

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    • Isn't the friend zone escapable though? Or if you don't want to call it that, then isn't it possible to change the way a girl sees you? I don't see why it can't be if you change your behavior, especially if you take a break from talking to her for a while.

    • Put it this way - you shouldn't tie up most of your time & energy in a situation with a low return on investment.

  • This is 100% true

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  • I agree with 90% of this. Nice take!

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  • I agree with some of this, particularly the "agreeing with everything we say" If you genuinely agree thats agree fine, but if you dont, say so and challenge us with your point of view!

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    • Yes honesty is one of the most important thing in any relationship.

  • I agree with some of this, and it can also apply to "nice ladies" as well! I am a pushover, too sweet, etc. etc. I need to be more forward and less accommodating. Some day, I hope I can be...

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    • All you need to do is be more assertive and expressive about what you expect from others.

    • This is true. I just don't want to hurt anyone, so I try to please them. But end up getting my own feelings hurt.

  • I don't think this is necessarily true! Genuinely nice guys NEVER finish last. In my experience, the guys who say 'I'm such a nice guy' are actually the biggest and most selfish assholes. Usually their niceness is a way to mask their insecurity and we all know that confidence (real confidence not fakes) is the most attractive thing about a person. I'd rather have someone who is a little bit of a dick but at least he doesn't try to be something he's not. I like upfront people, people who pretend make me feel like they're hiding something. So there you have it, my view on 'nice guys' :D

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    • What you said is exactly the point of this take. You are willing to date a jerk cause he's honest and assertive and the "nice guys" who are trying their best to impress you think that you're only attracted to jerks. So I am advising these nice guys to be more honest with everyone, and not be afraid to think about themselves whenever they are trying to woo their girl.

    • you are twisting my words! I didn't say I would date a jerk, but that I prefer guys who don't pretend to be something they're not and who don't try to cover their real personality. Nobody is perfect and usually self proclaimed 'nice' guys are actually trying to hide something. There's a little bit of an asshole inside of everyone and when we try to suppress that side of us, it usually comes out in other ways later on. You can always tell when somebody is genuinely nice, there's an honest vibe about them and they don't try too hard to prove it to you how great or decent they are. People who complain how hard they have it because they're so kind or whatever are most of the time just delusional of how the rest of the world perceives them! Everybody needs to analyse their own behaviour objectively, are you really as selfless as you're trying to make yourself and everyone else believe you are? Telling lies to other people is a bad habit, but telling lies to yourself is detrimental to your sanity!

What Guys Said 37

  • I can't not be a nice guy. I do what I gotta do but it sucks because I still dont get the girl:(

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  • Lol I'm a gentleman and I've never had a problem getting the girl, in fact I rarely have to ever make an effort to -shrugs-. ( though I do enjoy making one )

    Also If I have already commented on this then I apologize, but I can't remember if I had or not so I'm posting again if I haven't already.

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    • Meaning you probably aren't just a gentleman. You have manners but are also fun to be with. That's the difference.

    • @Remonster I'm actually pretty solemn but I am laid back.

  • Except that such behaviours are what is considered moral by conventional morality. You have to throw away conventional morality.

    People (especially many women) try to convince themselves that 'nice guys' aren't really nice, in other words that they aren't living up to the moral code. That is false. It is an attempt to rationalize. These nice guys are very consistently living up to the moral code. It is the moral code that is wrong.

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    • yes for some reason many of these nice guys who are adhering to this conventional morality come across as being very manipulative and in a way they are.

    • But are people who put their own interests first necessarily immoral? I believe not.

    • @dudegrt09 Well, the conventional morality of altruism is indeed manipulative.

      @Remonster Indeed, selfishness is the true morality. As you imply, true selfishness means doing what is objectively in your self-interest. It doesn't mean doing whatever you feel like. True selfishness is against sacrificing others to oneself and sacrificing oneself to others.

  • I must say... it is rather refreshing to be selfish at times! :)

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    • yes sometimes when you are thinking about your own needs you are actually doing others a favour.

  • How would a girl react if I said I was a nice guy but I would never intend to agree with her all of the time and I would not put other's needs ahead of my own all of the time?

    I mean I consider myself nice in the sense that I always try to help and I tried others with respect but if a girl thinks she's entitled to my attention or help then screw her, I'm outta there.

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    • The girl with definitely respect you more if you would respectfully disagree with her on something which you clearly don't like. Also in the first point the word Always should have been highlighted by me. You are supposed to selflessly help those who require it and you will have to make sacrifices in the relationship but you shouldn't always be the one who makes these sacrifices. It's you and her together in the relationship so when you do something for her expect some gratitude for it.

    • *will definitely

  • 2mo

    Nice guys finish last, my pakistani friend.

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  • "Nice guys" aren't actually nice. If they were they'd understand when people say they don't want a relationship. Instead they complain about, decide that they're a nice person, and then blame it on their perceived nicenes

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    • it is not true for all of these guys. As someone in their opinion already pointed out some of the so called nice guys are adhering to what society expects from them instead of what they really want from the society. But your Statement is true for many other "nice guys" who are just plain manipulative in my opinion.

  • This is total bullshit. It was fun to read though!

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    • You're not helping

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    • Of course you think he's right on however even stereotypically the Nice Guy archetype is actually about covering your emotions pretending to always be happy and then turning out bitter versus being an emotional wreck who is easily disuaded; in many times those "knights" tend to actually be almost too good to be true due to the lack of the emotional variation with them always being happy with any given sudden injustice by the female they are pursuing.

      But no one wants to hear that!

    • That's a fair point!

  • I know plenty of good men (my father, my brother, my friends, my colleagues) and hardly anything you say here applies to them.

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    • This doesn't apply to all men out there. This take is on guys who are really frustrated with women and whine about it saying that they do not get laid even when they are the nicest people on planet.

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    • Since you mention the word "whine," may I ask how a person can express sadness in a way that isn't whining? Or are men never allowed to express sadness? What is an acceptable way to express discontent without whining? What is an acceptable way to express loneliness? Is there any way at all?

      Of course whiners exist, but I've found that roughly 50% of the time, when someone says a person is whining, I tend to disagree. I think roughly half the time someone claims someone else is whining, it is because the person hearing the complaint is too inexperienced, too unwise, too unintelligent, is unable to offer anything, or is too impatient to listen. Besides, what do you think the chances are that they will actually listen to you, even if they are really whining, if you use the term "whine" or "whiner" or "whiney?"

    • As I said, roughly half the time when I hear someone call someone else a whiner, I would agree the person complaining is behaving childishly or not listening to reason. But even if that's the case, I don't say, "Stop whining" because I know that person probably won't listen to me if I use the term. The other half of the time, I think the person is expressing a heartfelt emotion and has every right to do so and the person calling them a whiner is just too fed up or too inexperienced or too much of an idiot.

  • They are just not aggressive enough.

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    • Short but right. They are also not looking out for themselves enough. Girls like a man who can hold his own, not succumb to every little whim of the woman.

  • Very good, I have my own take on this that you may want to read as well. It just all comes down to the "nice guy” being a pushover and too much of a puss to be his own man and do things like speak up when something is bothering him, when he doesn’t agree with something, or standing up for what he believes in, all out of fear of offending and running off his potential love interest. I realize now that insecurity and a lack of confidence are not sexy and an attractive qualities in a guy. I know because I used to be that guy that did those things when I was a younger man. I look back now and am ashamed of a lot of the ways I behaved back then. It’s unfortunate because most of these “nice guys” don’t want to hear their behaviors are the problem and what is driving the ladies away. I had to learn the hard way and unfortunately most guys like this are going to have to learn that way also.

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    • thank you, and you are right that many of these nice guys refuse to accept that they are not actually nice but just manipulators. I'll definitely check your take on this subject.

  • Fantastic take! That first point is SOOOOO important! And not just for relationships with girls but for advancing your career too. You have to be very clear and honest about what you want and how you're going to get it. If you put everyone else's needs first you're very likely to end up with nothing.

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  • Any women or girl that says they like ''Nice Guys'' are lying to cover up their shallowness.

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  • Not all 'nice guys' agree with the girl, i have my own opinion on things yet i'm still a 'nice guy' so, most true though

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    • so you don't need any advise from this take, you are probably a genuine nice guy.

  • "nice guys finish last because they make sure she finishes first." ;)

    I'm a nice guy but shy too. I do hope to get a girl though in the coming future but things will need changing. Just don't be an ass to the girl that is all.

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  • Summary: DONT BE A BISH!!!

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  • Very good take , it helps😊

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  • Very good take! This is basically a longer more fleshed out and detailed version of some advice I gave on here to someone the other day. I agree with every point you made

    I think that people who are nice guys are just nice guys, it's part of their personality and can't REALLY be changed. (I'm one of these people) BUT if you follow the advice you gave, you'll find not only more success with women, but in general succes in life, in work etc.

    I think most of us nice guys are generally predisposed to go with the flow, it has to be a constant battle to fight against that current and make sure you look out for number one. If you dont, you'll be perceived as a pushover, and once that happens, it's over. Once your perceived as a pushover, it sticks. People pick up on your weakness and take advantage of it.

    I think you did a good job in pointing out the things that the typical nice guy needs to work on WITHOUT telling him that he needs to be an asshole to get girls, because that's simply not how it works.

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    • In fact, I'd say this is the best my take so far on gag, I really hope some people will take it to heart

    • thank you so much.. I had to put in quite some time into it and also a lot of insights but I hope it helps some people. I hope moderators also feel the same way as you and this take gets featured on the home page.

  • You can be a good guy just don't be a punk

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  • Awesome take bro.. I like to add

    Nice guys are more clingy too

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    • yes there I think the clinginess and neediness is also a manifestation of their need to be accepted.

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