Why I don't date single mothers

Why I don't date single mothers

I haven't received enough flak this week, so I think I'll dabble into some taboo territory. You can find articles all over the internet on virtually every dating website on "Why you should date single mothers" or "Why single mothers are awesome" or "Why single mothers will rock your world", but I call bullshit on every single one of them. Why? I thought you'd never ask.

Let's start with priorities. Whenever I enter a relationship, I make my lover or significant other the top priority in my life. This is a person I'm considering sharing the rest of my life with, my family with, and possibly starting a new family with. I have to act like they're going to be part of the family. Well, virtually every single mom writes this on her dating profile: "My kinds will always be the top priority in my life and that will never change." Well, right off the bat, I'm getting a raw deal. So do I get to make her not my top priority in my life as well? So that's totally cool if I make her lower on the list than tennis, or golf, or football, or video games? My dog? My cats?

Now don't get me wrong, I understand the dilemma single mothers have to face. They have kids to feed, take care of, and raise. That takes time, lots of it. Add a job on top of that and there aren't enough hours in the day. The problem is, men who date single mothers get absolutely no credit for the turmoils they go through. I'm already rearranging my entire schedule to fit yours so that we can spend time together. Your free time is extremely limited, so I've rejumbled all of my arrangements and other engagements so that your free time and mine coincide.

That is one humongous pain and requires a fair amount of sacrifice. What acknowledgment do I get for that? "DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO BE A SINGLE MOTHER DATE?! SINGLE MOMS ARE SO STRONG YOU SHOULD APPRECIATE HOW STRONG A WOMAN YOU'RE GETTING!" Riiiiiiiiiiiiight. It's not like a man who does all of this for a single mom is strong or anything. Fuck that guy. He clearly doesn't know how lucky he is.

So already I'm a creditless, low priority, chump who sees his girlfriend just enough to still count as being in a relationship. What's next?

Well, dating single mothers isn't cheap. They don't have a ton of cash to spend, so the guy usually ends up paying for everything. So much for the modern day, where men and women split the check. And again, zero credit. Chivalry isn't dead, but it's definitely on its last breath because chivalry used to at least come with the satisifcation of recognition. Now it's just something that's either expected or ridicouled, neither of which come with any respect. "SINGLE MOMS WORK SO HARD FOR THEIR MONEY YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!" Right, I didn't work at all for my money. It just fell out of the sky onto my straight, male lap. Surely more would have fallen if I was also white.

Let's talk baby daddy drama. Every single mother has a baby daddy out there somewhere unless he up and died somewhere along the way. Even if he left out of the blue without a letter, there's ALWAYS a chance baby daddy will come back, and he most likely will not welcome your presence. I'm sorry, it's not my fault that it didn't work out between you two and you went your separate ways, but I still have to deal with the mess. That's taking time away from our already precious little time together, or making part of said time together way less enjoyable that it ought to be. That's just not how any person, man or woman, wants a relationship to be.

Lastly, many single mothers have no interest in having more kids. Understandable, they've already got their hands full with the kids already present, but this presents a problem for me. I want my own kids. MY kids. I want to start a family. If a woman can't or won't provide that, then I'll jump ship every time, constant as gravity. I have the right to have children and a family of my own just as much as she does. And I won't leave my baby mama single with a kid in tow.

Add that all up, and you've got a recipe for unhappiness. Sure, sometimes it works out and sometimes it's great, but let's calculate the odds on that one. I'm not a gambler, and I want my relationships to have every possible chance of success, and single mothers just don't seem to be a safe bet. The margins for error are just too slim. The odds of success too low, and the risk associated with the undertaking too high. Doesn't seem like smart math to me.


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What Girls Said 30

  • This come off as really angry and judgmental. There's nothing wrong with deciding you don't want to date someone with kids - that's perfectly valid - but in this piece you basically sounded off about how guys who date Mom's get no credit and aren't appreciated and this and that and every other thing, which frankly, you're not in a place to be assuming. I know a few single Moms and believe me - they DO appreciate men who choose to make the sacrifices and deal with the stress that comes with dating a parent.

    I, personally, will not date a man who has children because I myself do not want children, and especially not an "insta-family". It's a valid choice. But I'm not gonna sit here and act like single Dad's are the worst because they can't provide me with the type of relationship and life that I want. They're just not a good choice for ME.

    • And yet I managed to avoid stating anything about single mothers as people or about their personalities. What you choose to be offended about is your business, but your final analysis is wrong.

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    • My assumptions are based in fact, logical, well reasoned, and they make sense. Dating single mothers is more risk than reward, more hassle than enjoyment, and no childless single man is honor bound to date them, nor should people try to goad them into dating them with gender propaganda and sensationalism that isn't based in reality. Again, I said nothing of the kind of people they were. You are still choosing to be offended on a bad analysis.

  • i think it's kind of unfair to just count them out like that

  • Its like who ever (is that one worrd😒) you date it are potential parents of your offspring. I mean you are still kind of young and why waste her time if you can't we all have limitations. And tbh honesty is a key to any relationship like once you lose that you are done.
    Also just a random note here... a father in my mind does not father a child be raises it.
    So hey its ok. it's cool and you do want your own kids.

  • I completely understans why people feel this way. If you cannot make your child (ren) AND me your top priority then why should I make either of you mine? It should be about FAMILY first. Not just the child.

  • I get what you mean. I am similar in that, during this stage of my life, I am looking for someone to potentially spend my life with. I am still young, and want to just explore each other for now.

    I did try to date a guy with a kid, but I wasn't ready. I did my best, but he never had enough time for me, (only had a date like once every other week). That's not going to work for me, again during this time in my life. I will dedicate my time to my partner, and want the same in return.

    I'm not completely ruling it out; I might be more open to it when I am older and if I'm still single. I don't really plan on having my own children, especially any time soon, but again that can change.

    • I know all about single parents not having time, or quality time for their S/O. Kids do
      get in the way. Whether they're yours or someone else's. Fact of life. No one has
      to put up with the complications and/or hassles when dating a single parent. Some
      people, men and women can do this seamlessly. But most can't. I'd say at you
      age it wouldn't be a good idea to date a man with kids. It's been my experience
      that these relationships rarely end well. A date every other week is not good
      enough. I agree. But the main point in my opinion is that you will never be #1. You
      will always be 2nd place to his /or her kids if your S/O has a kid. I'll be damned
      if I'll ever do that again. Not worth it. Why drive a used car when the lot is full
      of new ones? That's my 2 cents worth.

  • Even if you had a child with someone who didn't have one before you're going end up being #2 so i don't see why it matters. You always end up being #2 unless there is no kids.

    & seriously, you don't even care for the kids it they're not yours? That's terrible, my mothers ex boyfriend loves us like we were his own.

    • Wait, how am I going to end up being #2 if I have children with a woman who didn't have children before? We're a family now. Children and husband can have equal priority.

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    • I care for them, but I can never love them like my own. Most men can't and are too scared to say it.
      I one for one cannot and will not do it. I'm not going to feel like an intruder or an outsider in
      my own home.

    • Oh, I wasn't sure what part you were even talking about to be honest. @Marinepilot

  • It sounds like you would be your own number 1 priority so I'm not sure why any woman would want to be number 2 to that.

    • Exactly babe, and your kids are your number one priority. Why would a man want to be number 2 to that? (They're not my own kids)

  • I agree with you. I don't have children and make no plans to. My mother, sister, cousins, grandma, and basically every female from immediate and extended family were teen/single moms. None of them are happy, none of them have stable relationships, and above all they are all miserable. I learned from their mistakes not to run out and get pregnant even if you get married. It's sad because they are strong women but the baggage is terrible and I've watched them and their children suffer endlessly. This is just from my experience. Almost every woman in my family is a single mom.

  • Okay. Sure. Whatever. I highly doubt a single mother would want you - you'd be one of those husbands, from the sounds of it, that gets jealous of a newborn baby hogging all her time and attention.

    • If the kid isn't mine, hell yea I would. You act like women aren't the most jealous creatures on the face of the earth, hypocrite.

  • I'm an attractive woman with no children and I still can't find a date like my friend with two kids by two different baby fathers. Actually, she's a real catch. She owns a home and has a job as a nurse making over 70Gs at 26 years old. While I'm 24, childless with a measly job. Look, sometimes you have to look at the bigger picture. She's getting married this year while I'll probably die alone. I never for once thought that guys cared this much about dating a single mom because I never seen a single mom who didn't have a few men outside waiting for them. Even so, it's still hell for me to meet a good man.

    • They're out there. I can assure you that most men don't want her for
      very good reason. Wait until those ex's start causing problems. Or those
      kids start being, well kids. "You're not my daddy, I don't have to mind you !" Then
      see how long those guys hang around. Step families break up at a rate of 75% or
      higher. So the deck is stacked against her. Good men are out there, with no kids
      or ex wives.

  • I respect your opinion. Having no children of my own, but dating both fathers and non fathers I can see both sides of the argument.

    You do, realize, however, that choosing a partner without kids doesn't necessarily mean there aren't scheduling conflicts, financial worries, past baggage and turmoil? People sometimes have crazy jobs, tons of student loans, emotional childhood issues... their parents get sick or die, they get cancer and in car wrecks. Etc. Life is unpredictable and learning how to relate and ride out the inconveniences is definitely part of living.

    • That maybe, But having a woman with kids from a previous marriage/relationship
      isn't something I'll ever do again. I don't have to ! And I won't !

  • There are plenty of single mothers out there and they need a real man not a whinny selfish spoiled brat.

    • Yet they can't find any so they take to complaining and loneliness.

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    • That maybe, But I know for a fact MOST men won't get involved with a single mother.
      Why should we? Give one good, valid reason why we should be #2, put up with
      drama with the ex's and not have the pretty childless years that many women give to losers?
      No way I'm doing that.

    • Real men don't want a woman with kids. Why should we?

  • I kind of agree because I wouldn't date single father either, the thought of him have to share their attention and love to me and his child is just uncomfortable for me, even more if his ex wife still alive, their memory will remains and at some point or another, I will be compared to her. So... No thanks

  • All I see is negativity and bitterness in this take. Do you have personal experience with one or more single mothers or is all of this just what you THINK will happen? A person is a person with faults regardless of their status as a parent. If the fault isn't with them being a parent, it will be something else. You have people of every side of a spectrum as parents or not. No two people are alike. I will tell you that saying your kids are a main priority is a sort of shield. Do you realize how many people out there will treat one's child (ren) like dirt? A parent's job is to protect their child (ren) and that includes protecting them from people. Personally, I wouldn't date someone like you, whether I was a single parent or not. I prefer more open-minded men who view things from more points than just their own.

    • The take seems pretty accurate... think about it. Your dating a single parent with kids, most of their time and energy is going towards those kids and then the possibility of the other deadbeat parent coming along and ruining things, it just isn't for some people. You gotta really be up for that shit before getting into it cuz its a hell of a lot more work than a regular relationship

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    • Oh well, your loss.

  • I totally agree, for all these reasons this is why I refuse to date a single father.
    I want him ALL to myself, no ex wifes or ex mothers or whatever
    I want MY kids with him and not be responsible for someone elses
    I want OUR time, not most of his time spend on kids that aren't even mine

    • That is 100% understandable. Single parenthood is not gender specific.

  • I agree.
    Nice take.

  • This entire thing was just someguy complaining that he's competing with a two year old for attention and he's losing.

    I don't think you need a relationship. I think you need a nanny.

    • Same thing I was thinking, I think he is hurt maybe got rejected by a single mother already

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    • You wouldn't know !

    • Hehe, and I don't think a single mother wants a relationship either. I think you need a paycheck.

  • I kind of agree with you mate. I mean, when you have a valid argument and defend it well, there's not much people can say.

  • Well let me put it to u like this I was a single mother with one child before I met my husband and I worked a full time job went to college and also took care of my kid was it my fault my ex walked out on me for someone else and didn't want his child hell no did I take my responsibility hell yes it astonishing to see how many men have the mind set of they will not date a single mother because she comes with baggage did I ask to be a single mother no and most of them did of yeah she is beautiful she is good enough to sleep with but not worth my time because things get difficult bullshit man up is what I say that's the problem if they would take the time to get to know the person and that persons child they might have a different view but they don't give it a chance I was lucky enough to find my husband and him give me a chance and he is younger than me so age is not a factor in any of this at all.

    • Most men don't want women with kids by another man. Frankly why should a man w/o
      kids remotely entertain the idea of being with a woman with kids? They shouldn't and
      you can't blame them. I'm NOT playing second best to anything or anyone. Especially
      another man's kids. Why? Because I don't have to or want to. Some men may fell
      differently, but the vast majority don't. I did marry a woman with kids and never had any
      of my own. We were older and agreed not to have kids because of our ages. At the time
      I was ok with it. Now I'm not. I would NEVER, ever do that again. I wish I'd married
      when I was younger and had my own kids. Now I resent the position I'm in. I'm glad you
      found some who can accept you kid. Most men won't and we're not wrong for feeling
      that way. The same can be said for women getting involved with single dads.

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    • Have you ever heard of punctuation

    • I didn't know that everything had to be grammatically correct excuse me for not using a period.

  • This is why i do not date guys with no children lol.

    to counter argue
    You just went off on a bunch of stereotypes bashing a bunch of people you do not even know, what does that make you?

    You assume you are such a great catch that no woman with a child could resist you... My kid comes first to any guy, even the thought of any guy.

    You are a turn off, where do you even get the time to hate this much?

    I can fully support my child on my own above and beyond, i would only want a guy for my company and to be a friend to my kid, im the parent.

    Your opinion, but you are so wrong about so many things and you made a fool of yourself in the process.

    • It is funny though, opinions change, relationships change, love can fall apart in 2 years or in 20... many of the people who objected this situation will have children or a divorce or both in the following years... life doesn't always work out as you planned.

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    • I'm not wrong and EVERY situation with single mothers has been the way I described.
      No way I'm ever playing second best to another man's children. I assure you that virtually
      all men feel this way. Ye I am that good of a catch. The likes of which you will never have.
      Or anyone like you for that matter.

    • I didn't make a fool of myself. I simply stated how most men feel, but are too cowardly to
      admit it or voice it. I'm not wrong, and if I am, I don't give a shit ! I'm not EVER going to
      play #2 to some kid who isn't mine. Not going to happen. EVER ! I've mad that crystal
      clear. Don't limp all men wthout kids into the same kettle. You're wrong with ever idiotic breath you spend on this topic.

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What Guys Said 35

  • Another horrific thing to consider is, male microchimerism in women.


    Women literally carry DNA from their past lovers inside them, and it shows in brain tissue. That could be cool in a marriage (knowing you're literally putting your DNA in your wife where it will become a part of her) or horrific (knowing that the trashy guys your girl used to get banged by are literally still with her,)

    • Very asinine.

    • Fucking hell you guys must be crazily insecure if you really believe that kind of crap, or even let it affect you in any way. Get over yourself.

  • whole-heartedly disagree. Single mothers may have baggage, granted, why should the kid be to blame for her being single and staying single? a child should not be a deal breaker. Let us look on the other side of the coin. If our wives or girlfriend have passed on, and we got a kid. should we remain single and women shouldn't date us because we are in the same boat as them?

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    • @Marinepilot: Semper Fi and oo-rah to you..

    • This is my take, when you are a certain age, you make compromises. Plain and simple, if you care enough for that person, you would do it.

  • I'm a rather open minded non-child-having guy... but I know myself. I crave attention in a relationship, and a woman with a child (ren) , would be less likely to be able to give me the attention and time I would require to be satisfied.

    I don't discount single mothers off the bat, but I have to tread carefully and analyze each case.

  • Preach it brother!

  • *Standing ovation*

  • I love single moms. More responsible than non mother's

  • Dude, I loved this take. Not just the content (which is your view) but the sarcastic way you wrote it, genius. I think you should be a writer. The replies were also entertaining. I fell for a single mom (she was a 9, give me some credit here) and we hit off. Then came my personal deal breaker: religion. She became a reborn Christian and she puts God in front of me!!! At least a kid is real!! So I kindly put her into the friendship zone corner. She is becoming one of those girls that are so into their pets now. Single moms and cats, I would love to see a correlation graph.

    • Scrambled, thank you. Maybe I will become a writer. The feelings I expressed are mine
      and I'm not backing down or apologizing for feeling this way. You get bitten on the ass
      by a King Cobra, it makes one think hard before putting yourself in a position to ne bitten
      again. The notion of the one big happy stepfamily like The Brady Bunch is an illusion
      that rarely exists. Blended families break up at a rate of over 75% according to what I've
      read. So the deck is stacked against these relationships. No single mothers for me. I tell
      the single moms I meet that I don't date women with kids. I'll be your friend or maybe even
      a fuck buddy. But I'll never marry you or uncondtiionally accept you kid/kids. No one can
      accuse me of not being honest. Many say this is harsh. I don't think so

    • Man I actually feel bummed. I thought about this single mom last night after reading this and yeah, I am young looking for my age, do gym, musician and went to Australia, while she stayed in South Africa. Im starting to think she was just using me to get that "jock' effect at her later age. Yeah she is so friendshipzoned. I am actually going to innocently tell her about some sexual conquest I do in the future and be graphic. Women always complain about their boyfriend problems to their friendshipzoned friends, I think its time I start returning the favour.

  • I'd never touch a single mother. I've no interest in paying for another mans kids.

  • Well they are single for a reason. Got knocked up by thug, badboy or some chump. Same old story again and again.

  • I can really appreciate where you are coming from with this take.

    Speaking from my personal experience, I can offer perspectives on all sides of this dating/mating situation.

    In 2005, my divorce with my first wife became final and I obtained custody of my 4 year old son. I then purchased a membership on eHarmony. I made clear in my profile that my son and I were a package deal. I required ANY prospective mate to become as invested in my son as me. My boy was not my priority... my family was my priority. In that context, my boy and me would both be protected, provided for and get our needs met.

    I was matched with a number of women and was fortunate to find among them the woman who would become @GraySailorsBride . She was a package deal too, having two daughters from a previous marriage.

    In 2006 we married, in a ceremony that blended our families.

    This is the situation as it stands:

    - my wife is my top priority, full stop.
    - my three children are equally my own regardless of how they came to be.
    - everyone knows that this is the case and it has been good for me, my wife and the rest of my family.
    - the best thing that my wife and i can do as mother and father is to present ourselves as examples of a devoted wife and husband.
    - the daily display of affection, commitment & respect, demonstrates to our children what they can expect for themselves in their future mates.
    - presenting such an example is a powerful way to teach.

    • I'm in tears man that is so beautiful :) you guys found each other and made things work

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    • I'm glad it's worked for you. It never has for me.

    • @Marinepilot

      Thanks for your remark. I strongly believe that my success derives from two elements:

      1) finding a quality woman of shared values

      2) the shared perspectives that derive from the symmetry of our union (on account of us both having children from prior marriage)

  • I have never seen someone describe why it is so bad to date a woman with a child, as well as a women on this site once did when she went on a rant about how great single moms are. www.girlsaskguys.com/.../a10204-the-struggles-of-being-a-single-mom

    She was pretty much the poster child, for why guys don't want to have a relationship with a woman that has kids.

    • She deserves to be single and die alone. No way and sane single man should
      get involved with her. No way Jose !

  • You make some excellent points. Also, there are a lot of songle moms who simply leave their baby daddy, use the incredibly sexist legal system to automatically get custody of the kids, and then start looking for their next victim.

    Or they spend their early years partying bc "they dont need a man" and sleep around with a bunch of assholes. Then their clock start ticking and they decide to have a kid with whatever asshole they are friends with benefits with at the time. Then it doesn't work out they leave him and wonder why no nice guy wants to date and older party girl with a kid.

  • LOL! Good for you for taking a stand against the PC police!

  • The way I see it dating a single mother just because you feel bad for them isn't love, children bring people down its a fact especially young people with limited money and unlimited opportunity, children big you down and make your life slow, complicated, and very expensive. There is no way I'm going to ruin my young fun life just because I feel bad.

  • "They don't have a ton of cash to spend, so the guy usually ends up paying for everything"
    ~While this MAY apply to some, it doesn't apply to all. You can't just assume every single mother is broke as hell. But I'd rather be with one with little money to spend, due to the fact that she's actually spending it on her children, then one with loads of cash because she rarely acknowledges them. And what's wrong with paying for everything every once in a while? Acting like it's a crime.

    "Even if he left out of the blue without a letter, there's ALWAYS a chance baby daddy will come back, and he most likely will not welcome your presence. I'm sorry, it's not my fault that it didn't work out between you two and you went your separate ways, but I still have to deal with the mess."
    ~If she left him, or he left her, there was a reason. If he DOES come back and you are scared that she may go running back to him, you have some serious insecurity issues. If there's one thing I learned about single mothers with sense, it's that their kids come first and dad is out of the picture for a reason. And if he DOES come back, be the man in the relationship and let him know he's unwanted. If you can't handle that, you shouldn't even be in a relationship with a female. Period. Sounds like you're the type to go running away like a whinny bitch in that scenario.

    "Lastly, many single mothers have no interest in having more kids. Understandable, they've already got their hands full with the kids already present, but this presents a problem for me. I want my own kids. MY kids."
    ~Like finances, not every single mother has no interest in having any more kids, she might have no interest in having kids with the previous guy. And what's wrong, can't accept her child as your own? That's selfish, and no wonder relationships with single mothers probably never work out with you. If the guy can't show he can accept her child as his own, what's makes her think you'll be any better with your own recreations running around? If you're distant towards her kids, anyone with a brain will see that transferring to any kids she has with YOU.

    "Add that all up, and you've got a recipe for unhappiness. Sure, sometimes it works out and sometimes it's great, but let's calculate the odds on that one."
    ~So, what, that means EVERY relationship with a single mother is doomed to fail? What about ones with women and men without kids that fail?

    These reasons, plus the whinny tone, are why I disagree with you.

    • I gave my reasons since I read on other comments that you seem to want reasons as to why I disagree.

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    • I have a step-dad I respect completely. My brothers like him a lot as well. Of course it won't be equal, considering he has a few years where my mother has birth plus all the years of raising us, but that doesn't mean we treat him and he treats us any different that he treats his own kids, who I've met and he honestly treats us the same.

      And I don't know why you said, "Go marry a woman with kids" like I am just gonna up and do that. That's a big ass decision to marry someone, and I'm not a dick that marries a woman as a "test marriage" or some other stupid shit like that. If I do end up in a relationship with a single mother, I will treat the kids as my own. So what you said IS selfish, basically saying they ain't blood they ain't mine.

      A fake man refuses to even respect his womans kids. A real man calls them his own. I'll accept them as my own, despite not being blood related. And if I know I'll soon be their step-father, I'll want them to at least respect me. Otherwise, it's hell.

    • People need to stop using the phrase "real man". That is just a way to shame any guy that disagrees with you. Men don't have to do anything to prove they are men.

      When I said go marry a woman with a kid, then come back her I was referring to you lacking experience to adequately judge others. It was just a comment about you needing to go out and get experience. Clearly I wasn't suggesting that you marry a woman as a test.

      Once you are with a woman in an unequal relationship do to her having more power over her children, then you will understand, that men simply cannot choose to accept responsibility for another man's child. It isn't like when a man and woman adopts a child. The mother normally won't ever accept him as the true father, and the man is left feeling like an outsider in his own home. There are very real issues when dating a woman with kids.

  • Great take. I must agree.

  • didn't read a word but i agree. I have 0 interest in dating a single mom

    Taking care of another mans kid is like continuing from someone elses saved game

  • Pretty true, I want my children to be half me, half my wife, not completely biologically alien to me, and I would never be top priority in her life as you've also pointed out, and would also be in the middle of a shit storm if the ex decided to come back. No thanks, not for anyone. Ever.

  • you make a lot of sense.

  • I agree with a lot of this. It's a shame, too, because some of those single moms are quite beautiful.

    • Some men can do this. Most can't. Single moms can be beautiful. But kids from
      a past marriage or relationship will always be a deal breaker for me. That's the way it is and I'm

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