I see the majority of dating advice or explanations on why some people are more successful than others when it comes to dating as having to do with confidence. I agree for the most part that this is true. I also believe it's good to have because it allows you to enjoy your life more. But, for those who have wondered why it seems so difficult to have something that doesn't require you to achieve anything...why some guys who do absolutely do nothing while maybe you slave away and yet still don't have nearly the confidence they do. This is for you. If you've worked really hard at being more confident, started strong, but always ended up failing this is for you. If you'd just like to get rid of some of the major roadblocks to going form insecure to confident in terms of your behavior and thought process this is for you.
You learned confidence is dependent on the situation
First off, you learned confidence is dependent on having something to offer the situation. For instance, if you are teaching someone a new skill which you have mastered, it is very easy to become confident based on the way most of have been taught to think. We don't need to even have high self esteem and often times insecure men will find love in women who are their subordinates for this reason. It isn't really the job title that turns these women on, it's the fact that those men who have achieved powerful titles, believe that they have earned the right to be confident around women in lower positions than them and so have no problem showing their best, most confident selves. Yet, confidence doesn't have to be situation dependent. It's an imaginary thing anyway so you can feel it whenever you want. You have the power and the right to feel just as much like you deserve the girl without a BMW as you do with one. The stuff just helps YOU believe that you do. That's the magic. It helps you convince yourself that people like you and you're a winner, but people aren't going off the cars, they're going off of what you believe. Most people will listen to the truth you tell them about yourself. But, of course, the truth is subjective.
You learned ranks
Secondly, you learned to see the world in terms of ranks or in terms of hierarchy. While we all probably fancy ourselves as egalitarians capable of seeing everyone on the same level, we rank others based on a number of factors which are important to us including looks, personality, charm etc. It doesn't matter if it's as something as crass as cup size or something as deep as intellecutal capacity, the point is we are conditioned to see some as better than others in a particular trait. The problem here is that you are going to be on a scale as well since everyone else is. If you're clever, you'll make a scale based off of your own personality traits. Yet, more often than not you'll find someone with a trait you want and don't have or trait you have but they have more of. You can't remain confident for long sitting on a scale, because the scale is always tipping back and forth. Confidence requires you to let go of scaling yourself relative to anyone else. It requires you, as well, to let go of scaling others compared to others. Everyone must be an individual and percieved relative only to themselves. (as corney as it sounds) so that you can learn to apply the same mindset for yourself.
You learned altrusim over greed
Third, and probably the most controversial on the list, you learned to value others more than you value yourself. Now, I know you're thinking that's not true. That you've learend to value yourself more or at least the same as you value others. But look at most 1st world societies...isn't the general thought that it's more better and more noble to put others before yourself? To not do something that makes you happy if it offends or dissapoints someone else? Even our idea of attracting the opposite sex is very tied to making them feel special and wanted and good. Greed, while it can easily be taken overboard isn't inherently evil. In terms of dating, greed says I am great and I deserve to date people I'm attracted to. I might not always get them, but I believe I'm good enough for them all. I want someone who makes me happy and special. I think if I found that person, I might treat them special too. Also, if I find someone who's amazing to me, I will do many things for them, but not to make them happy, but rather making someone happy who I find amazing is actually done to make me happy so is technically greedy since the final recipient is me. You have to let go of the idea that other's wants matter more than your wants if you want to have sustained confidence. At the same time, you can focus on other's happiness, but again, not at the expense of your own.
You learned confidence can quite often be seen as cockiness
When you tap into confidence, you usually let it go because you feel as though you're being cocky. It feels somehow wrong to believe you're great and so you resist it. You're afraid someone will call you out on it. Yet, you have to let go of this eas becasue cockiness is always false and confidnece is always true. By this I mean a cocky person always believes the person they show the world is false. A confident person always believes the person he shows the world is true. If you feel you are truly great you have nothing to apologize for.
You learned confidence is objective
Confidence is not objective. You can not earn it. It does not mean the same exact thing to anyone. It is entirely a personal believe about yourself. It's an idea like that pizza is the best food ever made. It's just something you decided. It's a hat you try on. It's a way of life only in that it is an organized believe system whereby you believe that in your world you are really great and the world is a better palce with you in it. It doesn't mean that TO ANYONE ELSE. This is why people who psych themselves up often fall when their statements of assuredness are challenged. They are still seeing confidence as soemthing everyone has to agree upon like that this guy or this girl is awesome. No. You will never mean a lot to others with that attitude. By believeing that you need others approval to be confident creates a parasitic relationship which has the oppoiste effect. Again, to be confident is a solitary activitey experienced socially.
So that's that on why confidence is so difficult to achieve. The majority of people aren't openly insecure--most hide behind the facade of confidence, but a few people actually do seem to have in spades.
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