Scarcity: Fundamental Setback in Dating

Let us define "scarcity" in the context of dating as "complete lack or shortage of dating and hookup prospects or interest from the opposite sex".

Scarcity: Fundamental Setback in DatingImage source: http://www.returnofkings.com/32187/the-epidemic-of-flaking

Though I am very far from knowing how to fix this problem of scarcity at this point, the first step to improving things is correctly identifying the problems. In actuality, if scarcity is your problem like it is mine, it's not something you're going to likely be able to solve directly. Likely, there are many other sub-problems you have that are causing that scarcity in the first place, and that's what you should look to address as quickly as possible, which is basically the definition of "self-improvement". Again, I am in that position, and at the moment I am in a pretty difficult situation as far as addressing this goes, and again this is something I'm struggling with a lot myself, so I wouldn't be the person to consult on how to adress those sub-problems, at least at this point. I would like to instead explain why scarcity is such a fundamental setback in dating and this is what's likely the essential trigger of all your romantic and sexual hardships, because often times when we really understand a problem, we usually a) feel better about the situation and b) can start looking for the right solutions.

Again, to reiterate, scarcity might be the fundamental setback, but likely you won't be able to address it directly and instead will have to identify sub-problems that you have that are likely causing this scarcity and address those - again, the definition of "self-improvement".

But overall, if you have this problem, this is what you need to do: http://www.girlsaskguys.com/dating/a21918-dating-fundamentals-why-options-choice-is-crucial As the myTake owner of that says:

I do know that before you can settle down and find someone special, you MUST become a person who has options in their dating life.

Again, I am not the person to ask exactly how you do this, beyond the very vague description I gave above.

Back to original purpose of this myTake: Why may scarcity a fundamental setback in dating?

In short, this is probably the key factor responsible for issues such as neediness, clinginess, over-glorification, emotional weakness, insecurity, the "settling" mentality, desperation, fear of getting hurt, and more in the context of dating.

Let's descontruct the above claim and see how scarcity triggers each one of those different "flavors".

The problem is that as scarcity increases, your value and demand of that particular thing increases as well. It goes back to the basic principle of "supply and demand". Being deprived of interest from the opposite sex in this example, if you crave romantic/sexual endeavors, naturally causes you to value it much more than appropriate.

So if we look at each individual factor:

Neediness and Clinginess: If you don't have multiple options or at least the capability at the moment to "generate" options, it will naturally make you needy of attention from the opposite sex and make you susceptible to overly cling to the first person that does. And it will be a vicious cycle because your neediness of attention from the opposite sex is going to make you more and more unable to get it.

Desperation and The "Settling" Mentality: I included this immediately after the last paragraph, mainly because these two are very closely related to clinginess. Lack of options or inability to generate dating and hookup prospects will cause you to become more desperate for it which is vicious cycle in and of itself. And again, when one person does come along, even if you know that they're probably not the right fit for you, you will be very inclined to pursue a relationship with them anyway because of that desperation. This can lead to other problems. For one, it may repulse that one person you do somehow manage to attract. Secondly, you may even be doing them a disservice because if the person you really like comes a long later down the road, you will naturally want to break up for this person, so essentially you will have strung the original dating partner along. If you're afraid of getting hurt, at least have the decency to try not to hurt someone else when possible. Of course, it won't always be possible, but in this case, that heartbreak they will have to suffer could have been avoided if that relationship hadn't been pursued as a result of despration and the settling mentality. You are also increasing your chances of getting hurt, because more than likely, the other person will be able to deduce all of this and end the relationship themselves. So it's a recipe for almost guaranteed relationship failure.

Over-Glorification and Emotional Weakness: Any of you that are suffering from scarcity and inexperience, like myself, should be able to relate to what I am going to describe here. Essentially, scarcity causes one to over-glorify the prospect of meeting someone that is interested in them. Again, I myself am currently in this position, so I'll describe how it feels. Because I have received practically no interest from girls at all in my life thus far and am completely inexperienced, the idea of a girl showing interest in me seems magical. Thus, I am going to be very sensitive and overly emotionally vulnerable the instant a girl shows any amount of interest, at this moment. This is what I mean by emotional weakness. Scarcity causes one to be overly sensitive and emotionally vulnerable to any potential attention from the opposite sex, because you don't have any "tolerance" to it. You're not used to it and it's fresh and new, so it gets you going more than it should. This is a problem because a) it contributes to other issues such as neediness, clinginess, desperation, and the settling mentality and b) you're setting youreslf up for a much worse heartbreak this way, and this will be further discussed in insecurity and fear of getting hurt which are other problems that will become intensified as a result of this. So really, all of these issues seem to have some sort of overlap.

Insecurity and Fear of Getting Hurt: This goes hand in hand with over-glorification and emotional weakness because along with that, your mentality will be, "It will be years before anyone else like this comes along!" and again, lead to the other problems described above. Naturally, you're going to start blaming it on whatever specific insecurities you have. The idea of someone breaking up with you is going to seem much more horrific because again, you'll cry, "Will someone else ever like me?" and start fearing the prospect of being forever alone, and naturally so. The idea of someone dumping you is going to seem much more devastating if you don't have the "emotional insurance" of being able to think that you'll find someone else, if you're in a position of scarcity. Therefore, you're naturally going to be a lot more afraid of "getting hurt" not only because of the normal emotional pain that will ensue from losing a loved one, but also the fear that you won't be able to find someone else, or that it will be very difficult and take many years to do so. It also may make you more insecure in your relationship and cause you to obsess over the outcome of it. As a side-note, it would be unfair to trivialize this as "insecurity" because in this case, it's actually a present reality, that if you're in a position of scarcity, you don't have the ability to date and/or find someone else. So in this case, your insecurity is at least momentarily telling the truth.

This is something else I want clarify before the closing of this myTake. I am not trivializing scarcity as a "mindset", but treating it as an actual present reality. It's not just an emotional condition. You're right to say that at the moment, you're not receiving any interest from the opposite sex and therefore lack dating and hookup prospects. And it's something you're going to want to change, perhaps with the aid of therapy or counseling (like myself), again not directly, but by addressing the sub-problems causing the scarcity itself. By addressing the plight of scarcity, you will be in a much better emotional state to date and mitigate all of issues discussed above. The purpose of this myTake was to explore the various ways scarcity can be a fundamental setback in dating in attempt to better understand the problems and feelings of people in this position.


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What Girls Said 2

  • You should also take into account the fact that, when the amount of men and women is equal, women will still be more scarce. Why? Because of Bateman's Principle.

    en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bateman%27s_principle

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  • Is this essay about the emotional scarcity of women?

    I got lost in what you were aiming to write about.

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    • Why scarcity is a fundamental setback in dating, for both genders. Refer to the definition of "scarcity" in the context of this myTake at thebeginning.

    • I don't believe the world is over

    • I am not talking about the dating scene holistically, but for anyone who is personally in a position of scarcity.

What Guys Said 11

  • Another scarcity problem is female obesity... pretty much all men, whether they be athletes or whales, want slim women. Yet, with such a high percent of women being obese, many men are showering attention on the fit, slim women.

    Likewise, in the USA and Europe, not enough men know they need to copy of a page out of the book of James Bond, Raylan Givens, and the Wolverine. They need to be brash, bold, and unafraid. So, tons of women are dropping their panties for the few men who have game.

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  • PUA bullshit? haha.

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  • You are not making a lot of sense.

    Learn economics. It's the study about allocation of resources because of scarcity. Resources can be anything from money to memories, lives, futures, deaths, emotions, desires, happiness... etc. If it can be given from one person to another then it is a resource.

    The deeper you dive into economics, more you will notice it strongly resembles a study about decisions. Should you take this job? Should you go to college? Should you buy a car? Should you get married? Should you go on this online dating site? Should you even try to talk to this nerdy guy? Economists can give you a whole new perspective. Just be ready to see the brutal truth and numbers.

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  • I got bored and couldn't finish the first paragraph... I'm no dating god myself, but maybe stuff like this is the problem? tell a joke you bastard... be entertaining, not a complete slob, have money, and luck. that's all there is to it.

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  • Learn how to write.

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  • I feel like this only applies if you aren't looking for an unusual sort of person, or if you completely throw your preferences away and are fine with dating whoever, as long as they are a member of the sex you desire. But if you are looking for a special kind of person with a certain combination of traits that you want in a partner, then there may not be that many options. I could always lower my standards I guess, but then I would be in a relationship with someone that I don't enjoy as much and I know I'm not as happy as I could have been, had I known how to play my cards right with the few women that really had what I was looking for. I wouldn't be happy with that at all.

    There are some kinds of people out there which really are very, very scarce. That's been my experience, anyway.

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    • I don't mean to be rude and I appreciate you trying to help. Maybe a lot of people really will gain a lot from this article. But I just don't think this approach works for everyone.

    • No, you're not being rude at all. You presented your opinion in a very tactful way.

  • Scarcity is a delusion. the very value of sex itself is based on a delusion. i mean think about this; if you were to take every pornographic video that exists, and watch it all back to front, it would take as long the entire history of the human race to watch. and by then that amount would have grown exponentially. but demand for it never falters, never ceases, and is completely recession proof to the point where even with that much porn and even with the majority of it being free, it continues to be one of the most profitable industries on the planet, completely negating all conventional rules of supply and demand. Why? Tits? Ass? Every single person on the planet has an ass, save for maybe a few veterans who may have had their ass fragged off with an IED, and they're literally full of shit. Literally, poop comes out of it. Every single woman (and even some men with hormonal disorders) has tits, save for a few cancer survivors who had a double mastectomy. So where the fuck is all of this demand coming from? Pussy? a wet hole with a bunch of flaps that looks like pastrami stuffed inside a raw chicken and spits acid?

    If there isn't an artificially maintained delusion of scarcity then you tell me where all that demand is coming from

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  • Scarcity thinking is a real barrier to success, it's even more of a problem in terms of once you're in a relationship, if you feel like you have to make it work no matter how badly things go.

    It's difficult to not fall into scarcity thinking when you don't have options.

    That's partly a personal situation.

    It's also a demographic one, based on age, and how age and dating work, and also in terms of location. We might say in general, if you're a 17-22 year old male, demographics of the dating market work quite heavily against you (which can unfortunately create a scarcity mindset that still damages you after you pass those ages). On the other hand, if you're enrolled in a liberal arts college in a small town, there's a massive demographic play in your favor.

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    • I agree. This is why even if you don't have options and are in a position of scarcity, it's a good idea to understand how this mindset can be a fundamental setback because even that can help somewhat alleviate the negative effects, even if you are in a position of scarcity.

  • The last point about getting hurt is why i stopped trying. Getting cheated on too may times sucked all the hope out of me, and it has me scared straight to death of trying to jump back into the world of dating, so much to where it's affected my mental state (more than what it is).

    I don't want to sit on the sidelines forever, but i'm sick of getting hurt all the time.

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  • I disagree. For my rebuttal read http://www.girlsaskguys.com/live-feed

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  • You've made some good points here. The best relationships happen when both people have a mindset of abundance, not scarcity.

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