Hello! I fully admit that this whole thing is based mostly on my opinions and observations and I don't really have any detailed evidence but I think that it's an interesting topic and would like to hear other opinions about it.
I know that everyone hates hearing about or 'being in' the so-called friendzone. I have, however, noticed an interesting trend that may or may not be unique to this generation or era. I notice that a lot of people, both girls and guys, obsess over someone, sometimes for years at a time and it's a bit sad. I'm pursuing a university degree that typically attracts shy, introverted guys and girls who rarely, if ever, ask others out or really take command of their love-life. I would know because all of the friends I have at school are scared to death of making their interest clear or going after what they want in a relationship.
For some reason, I am the exact opposite. I have never found it particularly difficult to express interest in a girl. I get a rejected a lot, but whatever... I like my approach better because I ask a girl out, a few have said yes and the others may politely say no and still want to be friends, which is totally fine. I was actually able to have really good friendships with the girls that 'rejected' me and I'm not really bitter about it at all.
However, this is what frustrates me a little bit. I have obsessed over a girl at one point in my life and it was not fun. It makes you ignore other people, sometimes girls that actually have interest in you and could actually be a good fit for you. It's consuming and dangerous. Unfortunately I meet a lot of girls and guys that have been stuck in this cycle for years. I was lucky because the girl I was obsessing over left the country and I never saw any trace of her again. However, I know some girls and guys that have obsessed over the same guy or girl in their social circle for years, sometimes since they started college. This frustrates me because sometimes when I meet a girl I like and have a lot in common with, I get a seemingly impartial/negative reaction and then find out later that she 'has feelings' for some guy that she's known for years and sees every day (most, however, would agree that he isn't objectively that amazing at all).
Doesn't anyone else think that it's a bit dangerous to become so emotionally invested in someone like this and then totally ignoring or brushing off any other interest that comes your way? I feel like it's making everyone really wary of rejection and people are even more likely to avoid expressing interest or making their intentions clear. Instead, they spend a lot of time in the hazy world of quasi-friendship where someone inevitably gets hurt.
In my mind, 'dating' should be this:
1. I see someone I like and gauge her immediate reaction to me
2. I express some interest in the form of a 'date' without too much pressure
3. We go out and if we get along well, we meet again without really thinking too much about whether we are 'in love' or 'made for each other' just enjoying the moment and seeing if we are compatible
4. If things keep progressing, the relationship becomes more committed
End of story.
Most girls (and guys for that matter) especially at my college which is very academic, see a date as an expression of extremely deep love and don't really lead healthy dating lives. I'm not sure if this is common at other campuses but it is very common at mine. I've even heard some horror stories about a guy obsessing over a girl for 5 years to the point where the girl actually started a relationship with him for fear of "ruining the friendship" (this is a true story).
I know this is a bit of a controversial statement, but I feel like most people today (especially in my generation) are just too afraid of rejection or hurting their ego in any way. In a way I can't blame them because, especially in college, the culture is not conducive to healthy relationships, but it is unfortunate because I feel like people are really missing out on good opportunities and ultimately wasting much of their early 20's spinning their wheels in heartbreaking obsessions and toxic relationships. I am wondering if this is common elsewhere or if anyone else has observed this.
Thanks for reading :)
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It is not an issue with your generation, it is an issue of individuals who are not experienced with sexual relationships. These individuals can often be found together at certain high performing, but quiet universities.
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