The conversation quickly yielded a story that could be a book example of what not to do while falling for someone or a must read article titled 47 signs you should not overlook before and after a relationship in a world famous magazine. I am not claiming this story is either, but it struck a note that I frequently see women struggle with and I thought I’d share some insight that most men don’t. After all we, men, are programmed only to drink beer and scratch our bellies and make indiscreet noises, right?
So here is what followed after the initial message:
“I removed him from my Facebook friends but we have around 20 mutual friends both here and in New York, so he keeps resurfacing and I don't like how it makes me feel. He gets tagged in everything because of his performances”.
Long distance relationships are tough, especially without a solid foundation
So at this point I learned that he is a musician in New York, while I still have a lot of questions about the guy, the nature and level of their relationship. Although it is not much, I know that it is or it has been a long distance relationship and that he probably likes attention.. lots of it. Long distance relationships are very tough to maintain. I have seen it happen, but very rarely. So no matter how promising, exciting or special it might be unless you have a solid foundation, a long distance relationship is a big NO. So try to say no to him, to yourself next time when a long distance relationship is knocking on your door.
To get over him, you must stick to your plans
Then she continues:
“I’m gonna delete all of them so I can hide their updates. I just wish I didn't see or hear anything for a while.”
That’s a great idea. It is at least a sign that she could think logically, rather than emotionally at this point but does she have the resolve to do it? A plan, or an idea that is not put into action is as useless as if it hadn’t been thought about at all. At times like this, the less you can think of him, the less signs you have around that reminds you of him, the easier life would be. After all, you still have to go to work, and go to school, and endure the gloomy weather and pay the bills, and keep on dieting and do the laundry and put up with traffic and on goes the list, so there is no need to add an extra burden.
Misjudgment of signs, mismatched expectations, lack of strong foundation lead to failure
So before I can give her any good advice, I need to know more so I start asking away:
"How long have you guys dated?"
She goes on to explain:
"We were friends for 3 years but became lovers for a week when he was here and then wrote to each other in emails, chat, text for a couple of months. We were close friends here-his mom lives here- and acquaintances when he was in New York. I went to visit him a few times as friends and I stayed with him and the girl he was seeing and strangely I did not have feelings for him. I always thought that he was too into himself.
I knew he kinda liked me but I didn’t feel the same way until that one week in November. And before that week he came here a few times, as friends and nothing happened. But in the week that he was here, we connected deeply and it was insane. He told me he was breaking up with her, too. Then he went back to New York and we decided to cool it off after 2 months of writing."
Whether you were close friends or not before he left, distance and time change most everything. And if you were not close friends to begin with, than you have more to be concerned about. All she listed above to me were bells ringing that this was not a relationship but a fling and that he was a player to score at any price. Living in a different city, him being a musician and in New York of all the places, no strong background in the relationship, mismatched expectations, believing in what he says at its face value, misjudging lust or excitement as a sign of a relationship are all mistakes with steep prices.
Do things differently so you don’t find yourself thinking over things again and again
And she continues:
“I found out from a common acquaintance that he is a narcissist and a pathological liar. He has a narcissistic personality disorder so he is really charming and uses people. I can't believe I didn't see it at first. I wasted so much emotional energy on him that I’m really really mad.”
Whether what she says is true or not, one thing is obvious. She is really angry. At this point anger is almost as bad as him. Don’t let it consume you. Relax and don’t think about him. You are most likely angry at yourself more than with him, because you wasted so much time on him. And getting even more angry over him is nothing else but more waste of your time. Whatever he might be doing, whichever signs that remind you of him, drop it completely and do something drastic. Change your bus route, change your schedule or even take a break from your friends for a while until you are over him.
Stay away from idle thoughts which are sure to bring along memories of him, more so the anger. Read a book, take a challenge and finish 5 books in 10 days. Do that one thing you have been putting off for weeks, or maybe even years. Read magazines, online, offline, become a member in a website for cooking and contribute, or even better, learn and try some cooking at home. It is when you get angry that you lose your logical thinking and succumb to the bad emotions that drain you, keep you depressed and prevent you from taking the correct actions you should’ve taken all along.
Admit your part in this failure, instead of trying to prove your innocence
At this point, I was really shocked that even now she could still keep on texting him so I asked more rhetorically than anything:
“And you're still texting him?”
And she replied:“I’m just very pissed that I allowed myself to get close to someone like that. He is brilliant - that's why.”
Whether he was brilliant indeed or a simple Joe, by saying “He is brilliant” she was clearly excused. Although she wasted so much time on him, it was not her fault one bit, because he was brilliant and there is nothing she could have done not to fall for it. By putting the blame on someone else, whether on purpose or subconsciously you are not helping yourself at all.
You start getting over him by admitting to your own mistakes. You have to admit your fault in this; after all you were a part in it. I totally understand and so will anybody else that you were alone, it was almost Christmas, you were in need of a company, you felt a connection and you fell for it. There is nothing wrong with it; a lot of people find themselves in worse situations every day. Do yourself a favor and realize what you did and what you could have done differently. This will only help you brighten your day immediately and in your next relationship with a very handsome man.
- Un-friend him on Facebook, delete his number, etc.
- Don't let the anger consume you
- Do something you've been putting off
- Acknowledge and admit your faults
- Talk to your friends
Self-judgment is the hardest and you should get past it quickly. Obviously, you can choose to be upset at him and yourself for an eternity with no benefit but the sooner you cut your losses and move on, the better for yourself. If you need to, delete his number, shred your phone statement, change the password of your online phone account if you have to so you won’t login to dig for his number, delete your Facebook account, change your email address, burn his pictures, and do whatever else necessary without causing yourself further damage.
Seek help, talk to friends, and learn to get over him
I felt as if she was relieved of a heavy weight she was carrying around when she said “Thank you so much, monkey”. Of course she didn’t call me with my site nick here, but that part I will keep to myself. And I replied, “You’re welcome, your total is $120... I will send you the bill”.