I Want You to Want ME

I don’t know what it feels like to be loved. That may sound strange, and hard to believe, but the context I am using it in makes perfect sense to me.

I have had people tell me they love me, and I have people show me they love me; what I haven’t had is someone ever try to profess their love to me, I haven’t had somebody try to prove their love to me the way I have always done for the person that I loved.

People can tell you that you don’t have to prove to anybody that you love them, but in truth this isn’t entirely true. Love is something that requires expression in order to be received, and when you take the expression out of love … there’s no way of truthfully knowing whether or not it’s real. Without proof, how do you know whether or not it only consists of nothing but empty words and promises? Love requires a lot more than simply saying: “I love you too.”

I say this because I am a lover – the kind of girl who will give all of me to that one special person, using every day as another chance to make them feel just how much I love and care about them. I give them 100%, and should I not be able to, I make sure they know that this won’t be for long. But … I’ve never had the same thing. I’ve never had somebody write me a poem or a love letter, I’ve never had anybody admit to me that they loved me and wanted to be with me. No one has bought me flowers for the sake of brightening my day, and no one has ever called just to hear my voice. The many men who approached me in the past never uttered those sacred words to me, and the men in the present haven’t either. It makes me wonder sometimes why it is that I must always chase after the man I want to be with, and why he isn’t at least looking over his shoulder to see if I’m keeping up.

Maybe I’m just desperate for affection; maybe I’m just being selfish. All I know is that every time I feel like I may have found the one, my admiration either isn’t enough or it simply isn’t returned. I have to make the relationship happen and I have to make it work. I alone have to make sure that he feels special, wanted, important, worthy – I don’t get the same in thing in return. All of the compliments and admiration I get refer only to my dedication in making him feel amazing, and feel wanted.

I want to know what that feels like.

I hate to say this as an egalitarian, but I sometimes hate feeling like the “man” in the relationship. I’m not saying however that it’s up to the man to make the woman feel special and it’s solely his job to pursue her, that isn’t it at all. But I am often left feeling like I am the protector, the provider, the pursuer, the one that has to be emotionally strong to the point of numbing my own feelings to make sure my lover feels safe and loved. I don’t believe it’s his job alone, but at the very least I would love for him to be equal with me: protect me when I’m scared, provide for me when I can’t, pursue me for once instead of waiting for me to do it all! I will happily protect, provide, and pursue a man with all of my will so why is it so damn hard for him to do the same thing? Why can’t he at least give me half of the effort I put forth for him?

I would like to feel as though I can be vulnerable, but I have hardened myself for so long in order to protect myself that I no longer know how. No one has ever protected me or made me feel safe, and no one has ever made me feel completely worthy or un-judged. I’ve never felt safe enough with a person to show them that is behind the learned survival behavior. There is another part of me that they have never seen. Behind the strong, bubbly girl there is a delicate lover that just wants to sink into your form and give you every last bit of trust and adoration that she has. So few people know who I am completely; they only know what I’ve let them see.

I hope one day that these feelings will either fade and I will come to accept my circumstances or that someone can prove me wrong, because right now, as I quietly yearn after a man, I feel it happening all over again. The lover desperate for love chasing a man to give her all she has, while he is more than happy to accept it, he isn’t willing to give it back.


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What Guys Said 12

  • "I hope one day that these feelings will either fade and I will come to accept my circumstances or that someone can prove me wrong,"

    I'm in literally the same boat as you are. Dunno how it is to be loved by someone other than family. Either I remain this way for the rest of my life or luck smiles upon me and I meet someone. At the moment it doesn't look like that will happen any time soon :(

    At any rate, good luck in your endeavors, OP.

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  • You sound like my girlfriend when you said that u do everything to make him happy my girlfriend love me a lot and I love her a lot I yea but there are men out there that feel the way u do like me but I already have girlfriend

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  • I get you. Especially when you said this: "no one has ever made me feel completely worthy or un-judged."

    No one has ever made me feel wanted, worthy and un-judged either. In fact, I've only ever been made to feel judged as worthless and forgettable, since no one has ever been willing to take a chance on me and be my girlfriend. I've only ever been rejected or overlooked, even by girls that I could talk to and had things in common with and now there's no one left. I don't know what more I could be doing. I have guesses but I can't be sure. On the one hand I want to do something about it to stop this, but on the other hand, I do nothing because I don't know that doing anything will make any difference.

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  • TO some extent, maybe you've just never experienced someone wildly in love with you.

    To some extent, I think you've 'provided and pursued' men who were won over by you, as opposed to allowing men who were wild about you to pursue you (or perhaps most healthily, to screen out only men who are wild about you, and THEN give them your all).

    To some extent, you're giving what you want, and hoping for the same, but the way you express true love and want may not be what your partners want, and they may be doing exactly the same back.

    "I will happily protect, provide and pursue a man' - to be honest, this is more what many women want then vice versa. So you're not being the perfect girlfriend, you're being the perfect boyfriend, and getting mediocre boyfriends back.

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  • Wow, there is someone almost the same as me.
    I actually said those exact words to my therapist several times in the past.
    I have never felt love. I was with my ex wife 25 years. I loved her with all my heart. but I never felt love from her. I am logical so I can go through the checklist and say "well it makes sense that so and so probably loves me.." but I don't feel it inside.
    I have also said, to 2 different therapists that I would LOVE to have a woman chase me the way I am expected to chase them. it is bullshit that men have to do all the leg work in a relationship. I would love for someone to have a crush on me like I do for her. That has never happened. even with my ex wife. I would love for her to ask me out... etc...
    but I also realized that will never happen. If I wait for a woman to do this, I will end up alone for sure.

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  • ... I neeeeeeeeed you to need me
    I'd looooooove you to love me
    I'm beeeeeegging you to beg me (I can't believe no-one has done this yet)

    Besides that, a very well written take- loads of people feel the same way. Good job :)

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  • just like you never now what you have till its gone you never know what you want till you have what you thought you wanted I don't know

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  • Don't worry, you'll find love. Keep positive and live life as you want to live it. Someone will come along, just don't be blinded by worldy bullshit.

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  • I know how you feel. No girl has ever loved me. I would like to know what it feels like to feel love that does not come from my parents. Its sad, really..

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  • I also consider myself an egalitarian, but I don't believe this should extend into every relationship. Your personal relationships should be about what kind of partner is most compatible with you, and not about treating each other exactly the same. Often it is our partners differences that make the such a good fit for us.

    Your wanting to feel like a woman isn't unreasonable, but currently it is treated as being sexist. Mostly because it was taught that a man wanting to be treated like a man was sexist, so it became hypocritical for a woman to want the same from a man. We just need to back up from the "everything is sexist" ideology, and learn how to make our partners feel appreciated as men and women. That balance might vary from partner to partner, and if they can't learn how to treat us, then we have to be prepared to replace them.

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  • I hear this sought of thing from many females these days. At work my co-workers lament about not having a man in their lives who loves them and so on. What's going on. Actually as a guy i don't really want to pursue women anymore, not that i don't like women its just that i don't have an interest in having a partner.

    I am independent and strong person and feel comfortable without a women in my life.

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  • I love you!

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    • But seriously I am just like you with all that. When I love someone I love them 110%. I don't even look at anyone, not even celebrities. I know how you feel too. It's hard to love someone so completely and have them not be the same in return. It sucks. It sucks bad and I am sorry for it.

    • I can't agree more with u

    • There's not a lot of people who would agree with us though :(

What Girls Said 7

  • Whenever you feel people are taking you for granted, leave. Literally nothing else will work. And don't look back. Some will care, others won't. And even those who care will eventually go back to not caring if you decide to take them back. They're lazy and get too comfortable knowing they can rely on you. These people won't change. So if you feel used and as if you are the only one putting in any effort, seriously, leave. Staying won't make them change and it certainly won't make you feel better.

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  • I definitely relate to this, I spend all my time trying to show all my love and I have never felt that in return with the same strength. At this point it feels I just treat him the way I wish he'd treat me. I feel bad about it but I want a deeper kind of expression of love. Or at least I'd like to feel completely accepted and cherished, where we could have conversations without me feeling like Im being judged.

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  • I FEELMECACTLY THYE SAME. I dont even try to get boyfriend , because I expect it be that way you described... I can't bare there thought of feeling that way with someone, so i don't try. at least you she the courage to try.:)

    i dont think waning affection is needy but people are made top feel that way and if someone is distant it makes you want ore, bc you're not getting any support. so i just doubt try... Even when guys are interested i ignore it. In think the feeling you haves more than just how your relationships ache been. I think peopler are afraid of wanting love bc people are trained to look down on it. In a way thats good... its not 'you' and you'll likely meet a guy who actually has the courage to lover, because you do.

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    • " I FEEL EXACTLY THE SAME"

    • i think how you are is good , more people should take responsibility for their part in a relationship.. and you'll meet someone worth it. dont change. :)

  • Beautifully said girl 👍🏻
    Feeling the same... wish I knew the answer. I'm kind, pretty and fun - but my Prince Charming shows up, but always disappoints...

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  • You're not alone on this, welcome to what the majority of men feel like. Constantly being forced to take on the role of "protector" without being able to express their own emotions. Thank god I don't have to experience any of that.

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    • @Constantly being forced to take on the role of "protector"

      plenty of Women feel this way. roles are superficial... and dwindling. they dont address the actual human, their experience psychology or tendency. .

  • This comment - "The many men who approached me in the past never uttered those sacred words to me, and the men in the present haven’t either. It makes me wonder sometimes why it is that I must always chase after the man I want to be with, and why he isn’t at least looking over his shoulder to see if I’m keeping up." Made me feel very sad for you. Don't take that the wrong way. I just mean that I am really sorry that you feel that way.

    There will come a day when you meet the person that will change all that.

    In the meantime, you should try to date from a different "pool" of guys. Go for someone entirely different than your usual type. It could be that the type of guys you are going after aren't the kind that you should be going after.

    I also think that you should have this conversation with every guy that you meet and see what his feelings are on the topic. It's a good way to vet out the bad ones.

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  • maybe you should just wait and focus more on other things in your life. It's not easy to find that kind of person, but when you do, he will make the same amount of effort as you and you won't have to force or ask for it.

    You just haven't met the right kind of man yet and that is not your fault.

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