So recently, I've encountered a whole lot of people who seem to be under the impression that their inability to find a person to date is completely the fault of some sort of massive conspiracy- never due to their own shortcomings or bad luck. Mostly I see this sort of issue among men, though it does occur with women or others as well. And mostly, this issue takes the form of complaining about things like "Why do girls not want to date me if I'm hot and nice and (various other positive attributes)" or "Why do guys always settle for ugly girls/why can't I get a date" or even "why does (askers gender) have to try so much harder than (opposite binary gender) in dating". In the end, this sort of thinking basically boils down to a flawed worldview, which I will hopefully explain here.
People Aren't Things
Essentially, the flaw in this particular worldview is a matter of seeing people as commodities or things rather than human beings. People essentially think that if their positive and negative attributes can be somehow totaled up and then traded for the attributes of other by way of dating them. Essentially, "If I am this hot, this confident, this smart, then I deserve to have a person who is equal or lesser in their attributes." Issue is, people aren't that simple, so there's a couple problems with that assumption.
Problem A: People are Complex
First off, there's the issue of adding up the attributes themselves. People are incredibly complex, and there's a whole lot more to us than just a couple major categories like looks and confidence and intelligaence. Not only are there many more categories than that, but the categories themselves can be subdivided into smaller features. In the end, you wind up with almost infinitely many tiny features that might "add or subtract value". And not only are there too many features to reasonably consider, but every individual person values those features differently. There might be broad trends as to what we as humans find attractive, but everyone finds certain things slightly more or less attractive than other people, and places more or less value on those certain things. So basically, if you try to measure your overall "worth" against the "worth" of other people, you're already bound for failure.
Problem B: People Have Free Will
This one seems like it oughta be pretty easy to understand, and yet it seems like so many people don't get this. You can't decide if you "deserve" a person in the first place, because its them who get to decide if they want to be with you. No matter how amazing you may be or what you might have done, no one owes you a romantic or sexual relationship. This particular problem actually manifests especially in terms of people being angry at members of a particular sex for not dating them, which can often be straight up dangerous, as in the several instances where women have been murdered for refusing to go out with particular men. You can't control other people, and other people don't owe you anything, so thinking that you somehow "deserve" to date a person who is so and so hot or so and so smart is utterly ridiculous.
So that's the primary issue I believe to be at hand here, but there are a couple other issues I think play a part as well. Those being:
Other People Might Not Be the Problem
The other major problematic view I see people taking in relation to this is in regards to personal responsibility. Basically, people like to blame anyone but themselves for their inabliltiy to find a date. They say things like "why do I have to put in so much effort for so little gain, this is unfair". Well, if you feel the deal you're getting is unfair, why are you settling for it in the first place? A relationship is a two way street. It's not as if people get to decide that you are now in a relationship with them, and that you have to put in more effort than they do because they say so. Unless there is something very wrong with your relationship, you have to agree to it, and you have the right to call it off if you don't want to be in it any longer. So if you don't want to put in so much effort, don't. Just don't be surprised when you lose potential relationships because of it. After all, as stated above, no one owes you anything.
You're only Seeing Your Side of the Story
This is an issue I see a lot, actually, in many different areas. People feel as though they are doing the majority of the work, regardless of whether they actually are. The main cause of this is that their part of the work is the main part they see, and what they do see of the work everyone else is doing often looks easier than it actually is. It's like that old fable where the farmer thinks his wife has it easy sitting around in the house all day while he plows the field, so he asks her to switch jobs for a day. He of course winds up completely in over his head because he has no idea how many different chores need to be done every day and has no idea how to do them. Basically, you may think you've got a bad deal, but remember that the grass always looks greener on the other side of the fence. So it's probably not nearly as unfair as you've convinced yourself it is.
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