How to Handle Rejection

Rejection: the one thing that yearning singles fear most. The dreaded prospect of having their affections completely turned down by the person they want to be with. A single “I don’t see you that way” can be a quick swan dive into a pool of shattered self esteem, leaving many paralyzed by fear and unable to move on.

Let me tell you something: you don’t have to feel this way.

How to Handle REJECTION

Rejection sucks, believe it or not I’m very familiar with rejection. Contrary to popular belief, being moderately attractive doesn’t instantly secure you a spot at the side of the person you’re interested in. For me, the last two years have been an ongoing trend of: “The guys that like me, I don’t like. But the guys I do like don’t like me.” It’s definitely frustrating, but it has taught me a lot about myself and about dating in general, knowledge that has restored my self esteem and actually made me more confident. Believe it or not, rejection has actually helped me by humbling me, by showing me where I can improve, and even by teaching me that, sometimes, being rejected has nothing to with me, but the person I’m pursuing.

Too many people treat rejection like a failure and something to get bitter over, but it doesn’t need to be that way; rejection can be a helpful learning tool by highlighting where your weaknesses are and by making you a stronger person.

It challenges you to use your perspective and even question your own standards and strengths, which you can redevelop to create more success for the future. It also helps weed out the kind of people that are actually wrong for you. But, so few people actually do this; rather they become scared, bitter, hopeless and jaded, some even give up on the prospect of ever finding somebody because they have been rejected so many times.

Once again, you don’t have to feel that way.

You see, courtship is a lot like riding a bike; you may fall down and scrape your knee (rejection) but that doesn’t mean you should stop learning how to ride (relationships). It’ll hurt, it’ll suck, you may even feel stupid for it – but what you’ve gained is far more than the pain of the cuts and bruises.

You learn to access your weaknesses by reflection and learn how to improve. You also learn how to actually HANDLE rejection, an underutilized skill that can actually build up your confidence and thus increase your potential for success in the future. Rather than allowing it to destroy you and your confidence, you can use it to make yourself stronger as a person. All it takes is a little perspective.

First and foremost, there are some things you need to understand about being rejected: the most important thing that I think people overlook or assume is that the person who rejected them is somehow in the wrong. Or, in laymen’s terms: is a heart-breaking asshole. It’s too easy to sit there and blame the other person for the rejection, chocking it up to being their own self-centered nature, stupidity, ridiculous standards and so on. The problem with this is that the “rejectee” is not only waving their responsibility, but they’re also turning it into a much more negative experience than it needs to be by demonizing the person in the situation.

In actuality, they’re only hurting themselves more by making a simple lack of chemistry an issue of intelligence and morals.

The only time you’re allowed to actually call someone an asshole for rejecting you is if they are actually an asshole about it, then have at er’.

On the flipside of this, another mistake people make is actually taking the situation too personally; they make it about their worth or lack of materials, experience, and so on, basically beating their self esteem into the ground for their so-called failure. The problem with this is that it instills a negative mentality towards dating, which adds to the common fear of asking somebody out because of the possibility of rejection. In truth, rejection CAN actually be about the other person just as much as the person being rejected. They may have their own issues, they may actually have silly standards, they may have gotten cold feet – whatever the reason is, and it’s something to consider, but remember not to demonize them or ignore your own involvement. It’s just good to keep in mind that the fault isn’t always just on your shoulders; it takes two to make a relationship work after all.

The last thing that people need to understand is that a single rejection is not indicative to how your entire dating experience is going to be going forward. It may be easy to fall into the mentality of: I really loved this person … I thought they were the one. If they don’t want me … nobody else will – I don’t even know if I want anyone else! I suck at this. I don’t see why I bother....

Don’t do that to yourself. Don’t fall into that mindset. They weren’t the only person in the world who was suitable for you, and you’re not suddenly cursed to forever fail in the dating world. It may take practice, but you can have a future with somebody out who was just as good or even better than the person you were pinning for. You just have to learn how to deal with rejection, and subsequently: rejection phobia.

I know what you’re thinking: Well RJ, this is all well and good, but what steps can I take to actually handling a rejection situation? You’ve done a ton of talking but I want this shit step by step!

Your wish is my command.

Step #1 – Be calm, be cool, be respectful

Like I mentioned before, at no point should you be lashing out at this person, even if you felt lead on or used. The reason I say this is because being the better person not only helps prevent you from becoming that bitter guy/gal, but it also shows the person what a mature, sincere person they’re missing out on. Seriously, twice I have been rejected and then asked out again by the same people based on how I handled their rejection. Not only that, but being able to smile and thank that person for their honesty exudes confidence: they don’t have control over your emotions, you aren’t losing out on the best thing ever – you’re awesome, mature, and can handle when someone says no. That’s a pretty sexy thing.

Step #2 – Let it out, but get over it, trout

f you were really emotionally invested in this person, no one can blame you for needing to cry it out. It’s completely healthy to allow yourself to wallow in a bit of self pity for a while, but it becomes unhealthy when you become CONSUMED by it. This is why I give myself a deadline: I’ll give myself a day to cry it out and anywhere from a few days to a week to let myself wallow. Typically, all I need is a little TLC, a pity party, a pizza, a stiff drink, and some time to think about things before I’ll start to feel better. After I reach that deadline however, I force myself to begin picking up the pieces and begin moving on with my life. At this point, you need to start putting the situation out of your mind and focusing on other things, even if the hurt is still fresh. So, cram as much ice cream in your face as possible in that time frame and get ready for step #3.

Step #3 – Letting go, moving on, fading out

This is the time where you need to decide whether or not this person is going to stay in your life and in what capacity; if you know you can’t be friends without there being romantic feelings or pain, then you have to fade out – which I’ll get to. But if you feel that you’ll still be able to remain friends in some respect, then you are at liberty to do that, but you need to remove all romanticism from that relationship. That means deleting old texts and messages, removing them from your social media (if you choose not to be friends) and refusing to obsess over them. Don’t stalk their social media, don’t reread old conversations, don’t give in to the temptation of guilt tripping them – just take a step back from their lives, allow yourself to heal, and go from there.

If you realize you can’t be friends, then it may be most effective for you to simply fade out, which entails lowering contact gradually before you all but slip away from their every day lives and go full no contact. If they question you about it, be honest and tell them that you can't be friends with them because of your feelings, and that it's in your best interest to simply move on. They may not understand, but you know what? They'll have to get over it.

Step #4 – Getting back to it

After you’ve had an adequate amount of time to “grieve” and sort things through, it’s time to move-on.com. That doesn’t mean you need to jump into hunting another person, but it does mean you need to work on becoming open to the idea of being with somebody else/pursuing someone else. Perhaps begin going out again, or maybe even getting to know that cutie from your one class who you always overlooked, but always seemed nice. Once you get past the idea that you LOST something, the easier it’ll be to WIN in the future.


I know this was another long one but I wanted to cover all of the possible bases for this take – no half-assing on this Friday for me! I hope you all found this insightful and you enjoyed because I enjoyed making it. TGIF and have yourselves a great day!


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What Guys Said 20

  • I enjoyed that take - Well done

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  • Rejection is an opportunity for one to improve him or herself, as you suggest. If one finds those "improvements" make one love him/herself more but others love them less, and the rejection becomes chronic, there is always Fatalism...

    www.girlsaskguys.com/.../a24125-fatalism-the-fatalist

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  • Although you used some terms which I think are counterproductive to getting people to listen to your perspective (I don't recommend "wallowing" or "pity party")...

    (standing ovation) Bravo! Bravo! ( Tossing a rose on the stage ) Bravo! Bravo!

    Very wise. Very wise indeed. To this I might add that if one has faced years of nothing but rejection, then perhaps it would be worth considering that you must take certain steps to increase your attractiveness (which is more possible than many chronically rejected people believe).

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  • what if you'll always be rejected for what you are what then hope

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    • Well, perhaps then you could consider making an attempt to make yourself more attractive. Ask yourself what are you doing in life to make it appealing to women (or men if that's how you swing). Could you make yourself more physically attractive?

  • Hey people if the game is crap. Walk away!! Won't be the be all or end all either

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  • In school only the plain janes, or girls who were downright unattractive went for me, despite me being very social and well liked by everyone I still faced rejection by every girl I was attracted too. I had hope for after school though, but when I graduated my father passed, and mom kinda lost it, me being the only basically made me fend for myself while going through that stress gave my body shock trauma, and I lost my scalp hair, so now over a year after shaving it bald (permanent by the way) I still haven't even been kissed at 20, I do have high standards and I'd truly bite the biller before lowering them, in the same token, I only want something legit with an attractive girl and not a fling. I'm still very social, wherever I go people genuinely like my presence and I'm funny and outgoing, I go to college an intelligent and even skydive, so I have ambitions and a plan, still every attractive girl I have feelings for turns me down, it's been nearly ten legitimate rejections, many many more if you count small encounters (asking for a number after class or a party etc) and no one ever even close said yes once.

    How does one handle that? Like I said I won't settle and shouldn't have to just because I lost hair, I'd truly rather be alone than settle and rather die than be alone.

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    • i was rejected 20 times before i got a girlfriend i always laughed when i got rejected because i said to myself there is so many other girls out there. you just have to keep on trying no point being depressed over girls they are worst things in life

    • I'm not giving up, however counting numbers etc parties etc, it's probably well over 40 times, and I've been told ugly to my face quite a bit as well, despite actually pulling off a shaved head very well, sorry man but without hair so young I doubt any attractive girl would consider it, and I'm sure as hell not waiting until 30 to dare

  • What do you do when all you've ever known is rejection?

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  • Nice myTake. Thank you. The girl I love left me two weeks ago without giving me a reason. I tried communicating with her, but I guess she doesn't want me anymore. I've realized I don't really have enough energy to go for someone else anymore. I used up a lot of my energy to make this girl happy. But your myTake has helped me move on. Infinite possibilities lie before me. Perhaps, one day, I will have the energy to find someone else.

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  • I find it the longer you wait to ask a girl out the worse you feel after rejection.

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  • If my family wasn't sleeping next to me (we're in a hotel room), I would honestly have shed a few tears.

    Beautifully written. Really.

    I have just moved on from a year-long crush on my best girl friend. She has been so nice and understanding to me in the time we've known each other.

    The pain I went through helped me grow as a person and all the more hopeful.

    There's this new girl she encouraged me to ask out. And I'm gonna do it.

    It's been an emotional year for me. Especially now that it's coming to an end.

    I'm so ready for something new. I'm ready for my first kiss. I'm ready to share something beautiful with someone special. I want to make them feel safe and loved just as much as I want to be. A real teenage dream, I know. But that's just part of my dorky charm I know someone will click with.

    Thanks for writing this. It's gonna help someone who's really hurting.

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  • I've been told im an attractive guy but I've always been single and not by choice. Here i am 24 years old still single and bitter

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    • Are you bipolar or is that just part of your username?

      Virtually everyone I know has been called ugly, including some attractive people.

    • No just a comical username

  • who cares if you get rejected. you just thank the person for being honest and you tell them i will have to break contact so i can move on but if you are able not to care then keep contact but don't expect anything. if people can move on from grieving over a death then this is way easier to move on

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  • This is the biggest bunch of BULLSHIT I've ever seen posted here. Girl rejects a guy, he says have a nice life and ignores her. It's that simple. All sorts of philosophical drek ! Come on ! Be friends with her? Surely you jest.

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    • I said IF you choose to be friends, it isn't mandatory. It's a shame to see how negative you are. So you're officially blocked from this conversation. I sincerely feel bad for you.

    • If you are going to post such, you need to let people have their say, don't take it personally, why block? You are making this a your highest only... That's not what this forum is about!! Remember you may of hit a raw nerve with anyone on here... You've posted.. Let the readers make their opinions count.. Just relax girl.. Some things are good that you have mentioned... Everyone's deals with rejection differently

    • There is a difference between constructive criticism and then blatantly insulting someone. I don't invite that kind of negativity to my posts.

  • This is good but what happens when you get obsessed

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    • I advise if you become obsessed you seek therapy and cut that person from your life completely

    • Show All
    • Because obsessive behavior is unhealthy, they'll be able to help you understand it and get it under control. Most average people benefit from seeing a therapist; I certainly did.

    • It's possible to stop being obsessive without therapy

  • Girls know nothing about this because it doesn't happen to them.

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  • Awesome take and I really like your point about learning to handle rejection well. I've never been directly rejected. I've only had female friends strongly signal the friendship aspect before I even suggest dating. The people I've interested in usually signal quite quickly that friendship is all they want from me. While I'm not bitter or really consciously thinking about rejection it is the main thing holding me back. I now tend to assume girls o my want friendship and it's hard to break that mindframe. Having never truly asked ssomeone out the fear of the unknown is the real problem and this my take really she'd some light in that.

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  • Good stuff GraveyTrain. I think it's as simple as you can be perfect as possible yet not everyone will think so.

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  • On number 2, the guy has this creepy ass facial expression that caused me to scroll down like NOPE!!! That GIF was a commercial for a place called Baby's Ice Cream. Audiences that watched it complained that the broadcast was disturbing.

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  • I only ever asked someone out once. It was like 6 years ago. I wish they had just said no. They did the whole saying yes and then just ignoring me thing and I was a dumb teenager that took forever to get the hint and I got humiliated in the process. I've just never been able to get the courage to do it ever again. It's just not something that's within me to do. I'll go skydiving. I'll stand up to a mugger or rapist. I'll jump on train tracks to help someone if they fell in on the subway but asking someone out is just something I'll never summon the courage to do.

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    • That's the issue with high school girls though: they lack maturity and have an underdeveloped sense of empathy, so you shouldn't allow that experience to completely ruin you. She just wasn't right for you.

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    • I know how it feels. I think I should do a myTske about it.

    • @SIGguy if you do, message me the link. I'd read it.

  • Wow, this myTake seem to be tailor-made for me. I used to have a morbid fear of rejection all these years (maybe I still do), and I have asked just one woman out in my life and she rejected me (although she tricked me into confessing, just to let me down and get an ego boost).

    I don't even bother approaching any-more, because I have a really low self esteem, and a rejection can be catastrophic. And especially, rejection from the opposite gender seems like the worst form of personal insult and humiliation, because it means I am not 'good enough' for that person.

    It has actually reached an extent where I regard men who are able to get girlfriends are some sort of 'heroes' with special abilities, and am stuck with the notion that getting a woman to say 'yes' to an offer of a date or relationship is a tougher task than climbing Mount Everest.

    I will try to follow the advices you mention here, and see if it works for me. :)

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What Girls Said 4

  • I enjoyed reading this! Thank you!

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  • I like to think about my future relationship which helps or just talking to other people. The worse part of rejection is when people try to embaress you on purpose, that has happend to me three times. Staying on the person who rejected you and trying to figure out your flaws will just make things worse.

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    • And good take I think a lot of people need to see this

    • Wouldn't the guy intentionally trying to embarrass you kind of make his rejection something of a relief? After all, he clearly exposed that he's a dick.

  • I always say 2 piece biscuits and a bucket mother fuck it. to myself when someone rejects me.. it makes me see that they arnt worth my time nor air. Plus that saying always makes me laugh

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  • I have been rejected so many times by guys ever since high school, and it's amazing how when I see some people get rejected once in their life they act like it's the end of the world.

    I did not read all of your mytake, just the first half not the steps but I personally would meet guys talk to them for months and I would always be the girl who wanted a relationship but the guy never wanted a relationship with me, this did not always happen but it happened a lot and it's even worse when you pour your heart out to the person.

    There was this guy who I cussed out and I blocked his number because I had apologized to him after he told me he's not interested in me, but after I apologized he told me he is not interested and when I explained to him that I no longer like him like that I felt he was being self centered and rude because I honestly did not have to apologize.

    I only did it out of courtesy because he works at the neighborhood drugstore by my house thar I use to always go to

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    • I wonder If I should of ignored his text but I have a history of dealing with verbally abusive guys and I just saw some red flags that triggered me to lash out

    • It's nice to see that there is another female who went through something similar (I've been rejected for like, 6 times and that had mostly to do with the guy not feeling anything towards me or my apperance/race). I feel like when it comes to girls people expect for us to rarely get rejected unless they are down right hideous, when I tell some people that I get rejected they make it seem like I did something wrong or that there's something wrong with me because it's so 'abnormal' for a women to face multiple rejections. I think you should've cut that guy off it seems like he wasn't worth it.

    • @SakuraChii yea and I have not gone into that drug store in a long time

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