High Maintenance? Get off your High Horse! Or "The HM Disorder"

[Anonymous]

Let me start by saying right off the bat that I am a high maintenance girl and I'm damn proud of it!

Before you roll your eyes and exit your browser, hear me out. I originally joined this site because surprise surprise, I was having boy issues. I had high hopes of finding answers because this site allows you to hear what guys and girls are really thinking.

No filters.

No rules.

Just plain, brutal honesty.

I did get some great insight and learned an important lesson along the way: guys apparently think I'm not approachable because I seem "a little too high maintenance", "too much work" or "too attractive". Um, yeahhhhhh, ok. While my ego would love to believe that the latter is true (cue inelegant snort), I was more interested in the former statement declaring that I was high maintenance. I decided to take the bull by the horns and find out exactly what guys mean by this and what this label really suggests as a whole. Here's what I found out:

1) Guys don't really know what it means either

Most guys differ on their opinion of what they consider high maintenance. Some users I've seen on here describe high maintenance girls as being too needy, acting insecure, or just showing that they're plain crazy. Urban dictionary defines it as "Requiring a lot of attention. When describing a person, high-maintenance usually means that the individual is emotionally needy or prone to over-dramatizing a situation to gain attention."

When asking the guys in my family, I received an even broader analysis. Words like "drama queen" and "unstable" were thrown out. Needless to say, there was no positive feedback and everyone had a different answer.

2) It Really Is a Type of Stereotyping

Many (not all though) women who are classified as high maintenance have no idea. A girl could be classified into this spectrum simply by the clothes she wears, not smiling, acting shy, or by her overall looks and perceived demeanor. In fact, most girls who are labeled as high maintenance are introverts who hide what they're feeling. This in turn could lead to awkward encounters where the girl is wrongly perceived as a snob because she listens more than she talks, or has the dreaded RBF, otherwise known as Resting Bitch Face. Oh, the horror! What guys and girls alike need to understand is that this labeling, especially without getting to know the person, harms more than it helps. Stop trying to put us in a box! JUST STOP!!!

3) Being Called High Maintenance Is a Compliment Whether you Admit it or Not

I'm not about to stand on a soapbox or get beind a pulpit and preach about this, but despite the fact that there are girls out there that may justly be called high maintenance in a negative light due to severe emotional or mental issues, or who just have no social or dating etiquette, the majority of girls who are categorized as HM are just HC: high class.

We have standards. We don't dress like sluts, we march to the beat of our own drum. We may not be a party animal, or an extrovert, or easy to read We're our own person.....we are individuals! We don't settle for just ordinary, we hold out for the best. I may get a lot of flack for this, but in my limited experience, guys are afraid of girls who fit the above criteria. They may move on to a girl that they view as easier, and not neccessarily in a sexual sense; they may move on to a girl that they think is more their speed and someone they can match in levels of intelligence, attractiveness, and disposition.

To summarize, I believe that high maintenance is part of a terminology that undermines and devalues women. Guys use it as a common excuse today to not approach a girl because they fear rejection or just aren't up to the challenge. It's not even a gender issue, because women are often guilty of the same on a different scale. Everyone's different, but we all want the same thing: to be treated the way we wanted to be treated. Judging someone superficially is not the way to do it.

High maintenance is just another way of saying high quality." -Pacey Witter

I'm shy and often can't speak in front of guys I like, I dress to impress, I only care what certain people think of me, I can be insecure, and I do like attention,as long as I'm not always the center of it.

But I'm also attractive, intelligent, funny, easygoing, and someday, I'm going to meet a guy who has the same standards I do.

So, yeah. I'm high maintenance. I'm a challenge, a diamond in the rough, if you will.

But I just might be worth more in the long run that what you consider "low maintenance".

[Anonymous]

You suggest three different ideas about high maintenance and convince yourself that each idea is flawed. So I guess you have solved he problem and you are no longer having "boy issues." Congratulations.

1. Guys do know what they mean when they say "high maintenance." Every high maintenance girl is not alike and every guy had different experiences, so of course their descriptions vary. But there is much commonality in their descriptions.

Girls differ in what they consider to be a "handsome" guy. Does that mean that handsome guys don't exist?

2. Labeling. That is the mantra that people invoke when they don't want to deal with the opinions of others. Forming opinions and making judgments about others is something that all of us do every day. It is our way of organizing the world and making decisions about how we interact with others. "Should I talk to this girl who I saw online? No, she has pictures of herself standing in front of the Eiffel Tower and the Pyramids. She'd probably expect me to take her on trips every year and I don't have the money for that. I'll just look at some others and I'll have a better chance of success." Sometimes the judgment may be wrong but it is probably right often enough to justify its use.

3. Being called high maintenance is a compliment? Do you really believe that because, if you do, you are the only person on this site who believes that. And, if its a compliment, why did you wrote a myTake complaining about the practice?

No sale!

[RachelBrigs]

My brother is dating what I believe to be a "high maintenance girl. "

She works at a beauty store, and spends all her money on makeup, hair stuff, and clothes. Literally all of it. So my brother pays rent and buys groceries. You will never find her without a full face of makeup. She has her hair dyed a different shade every season. She demands that all her "needs" are met all the time.. by other people. Other people buy her food, and it can't be real honest to god food, it has to be whatever fast food she's craving. People cater to her; if she wants water you get up and get it. If she wants something she will get it because she will make life unpleasant until she is appeased.

That's high maintenance. She can't go out and do outdoorsy stuff bc she (aka my brother) just paid for her manicure. She won't go outside in bad weather because her hair will look bad.

That's not cute. It isn't called being high class, its called being vain, materialistic, selfish, and self-important

[iammsass]

Vain, materialistic and selfish are different words on their own. My friends have called me high maintainance. Just coz I love to dress well and I don't have a lot of clothes but I just like to dress well I think it is a very important aspect coz that's the first thing some one new judges you on. I do not wear make up whatsoever. Wearing good clothes makes me feel good and if I'm a vain, materialistic, selfish and self important person for liking to dress to impress then that's stupidity (no offence). You can't describe every high maintanence person like that. You probably have something that makes u happy and feel good about yourself so don't call out other people coz of something that makes them feel good and confident.

[RachelBrigs]

@iammsass liking to dress well doesn't make you high maintenance.

[ThisDudeHere]

You should smack some sense into your brother and make him dump her.

[RachelBrigs]

@ThisDudeHere he's a big boy, if he wants to be with her that's his choice

[ThisDudeHere]

He's your family and he's digging himself a hole you yourself could fall into one day. It's your duty to help out.

[RachelBrigs]

@ThisDudeHere he's 22 and this is his 4th relationship and they've all been high maintenance. Clearly its something he can tolerate. If he wants to break up with her he can. He's a big boy like I said.
A lot of guys value the put together, pretty look over being treated well etc. His values just seem to be in the wrong place

[ThisDudeHere]

Well no offense to you but he's an idiot.

[RachelBrigs]

@ThisDudeHere when it comes to girls, yeah.

[Toastkilla]

I was going to comment but your description of a High maintenance woman is spot on that I couldn't say it any better. Hopefully the @asker reads it.

[Mesonfielde]

Wow, your brother must be either very sexist to believe that is normal "for women", or he must be very desperate. No offense or anything, but I really don't understand why someone would do that to themselves.

[RachelBrigs]

@Mesonfielde because some guys are super into the always put together look. I guess you could say he's shallow. I'm not 100% sure why he pursues these girls though.
But he's an attractive, outgoing guy who gets a lot of attention, he isn't desperate.

[ShayanMortazavi1]

You should kick her ass. I hate people like that.

[Anonymous]

If you want to claim what men consider a flaw as a compliment then go ahead. You can view yourself however the hell you like it's your mind your freedom. But that's also a two way street. OUR mind OUR FREEDOM. We can look down on you for being materialistic if we want and no amount of whining will change that. You don't sound like a diamond in the rough (EVERYONE thinks they're the diamond in the rough) You're just a piece of soot in the rough.

You have boy problems and instead of doing introspection to see if there was the slightest problem with you you're just going "it's their fault" so yeah good luck with your boy problems or not I really don't care either way.

[TimeSplitters123]

Well damn said

[peachblossomluck]

I've had some high maintenance guys before. They would whine and question everything. The insecurity and need for attention was too much. They wouldn't appreciate things and just sap whatever love I had for them out of me with their behaviors. Go ahead and be classy. That's awesome. When I think high maintenance I recall these whiny exes.

[ArtDent]

Yes. Men can be high maintenence too.

[peachblossomluck]

@ArtDent Miss me with those guys:0

[ArtDent]

what do you mean?

[HikerDude]

You sound high maintenance.

[aficionado]

To me, a 'high maintenance girl' is someone for who I may have to put in truckloads of efforts to try and gain her affection, and she might still not 'feel that way' about me. And it's also difficult to keep such women interested, because if they spot someone more appealing, they're like to jump. Having standards is NOT the same as being high maintenance.

This is my personal views on this, which obviously doe snot coincide with yours. But yeah, nice myTake, Provides a fresh perspective about high maintenance girls! :)

[JSmuve]

High maintenance, to me, has always been a girl who values expensive material possessions and expects me to buy them for her, or would expect the guy to take out a ridiculous mortgage on a house they can't afford so she can keep up with the kardashians. High maintenance is also about a bitchy, demanding, and manipulative personality when these expectations of raping my bank account aren't met.

So no, high maintenance isn't high class and is not a sought after characteristic in a woman by any guy.

I'll agree though that a lot of guys label woman as high maintenance without getting to know them, but we all make judgments of people without getting to know them.

[elew4too]

So the unanimous opinions of your peers and your family are all wrong? I envy your pride.

With your logic, if it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it's clearly a chicken

[KawaiiPie67]

I swear to god that my mom thought that tuna was really made out of chicken, because on the can, it says that the tuna's the 'chicken of the sea'. our family had a big argument about it with her. But she googled and found out it was fish after all LOL

[HikerDude]

The problem with high-maintenance women is *not* that I don't think they're worth it, it's that they don't think *I'm* worth it. Being high maintenance is a form of deep self-involvement, in that you focus on your own needs, standards, and desires to the exclusion of caring for others.

As men, we crave caring from our partners. We don't get tenderness or sweetness from anyone else in this world, so we especially need that in our romantic relationships. High-maintenance women have to time to worry over their man's needs or wants. To be blunt, they really don't care about their men's needs at all. In her mind, he should be tending to her, because she's the prize and the one who deserves attention and care.

Hot as a woman may be, life is too short to be a janitor to your significant other.

[Anonymous]

Dating someone is supposed to be something that makes your life better, not a challenge that may deliver some payoff. Everyone has some neediness that a good partner will try to help them with, but if it's mainly challenge with not much benefit, it's a bad relationship, period.

[Mesonfielde]

High maintenance means she's extremely demanding, and exhibits bitchy behavior.

So no, it's not a compliment if I say that at all.

[ThisDudeHere]

This^

[skykidx1]

This

[zombiebabe]

this^

[KawaiiPie67]

guys think it's sexy.

[Mesonfielde]

@KawaiiPie67 Sexy? It's actually irritating - being a drama queen, always demanding that things go your way through increasing speech volume.

[KawaiiPie67]

but not hot in bed?

[Mesonfielde]

@KawaiiPie67 What on earth would be hot about it?

[KawaiiPie67]

her attitude!

[Mesonfielde]

@KawaiiPie67 If anything that's an instant turn-off, like, forever.

[KawaiiPie67]

if u think so.

[CoolSky01]

@KawaiiPie67 lol why would a whinny girl be hot? she's demanding, always needs emotional support and needs materialestic things , yeah the dude is right it is not a compliment if you are ever classified as high maintenance say good bye to the boys cause you ain't getting any

[KawaiiPie67]

@CoolSky01 I've seen chicks like that with tons of bfs, over the years.

[CoolSky01]

@KawaiiPie67 yeah ton of bfs who want sex not marriage and if they do get married its to someone very rich who couldn't give a shit because he has a side chick or they get a divorce , no sane man would marry a high maintenance girl, the exception is a very wealthy man who doesn't care about what she wants , other than that no way , I've seen girls so hot they'd make you go gay but they are high maintenance and demanding, it was an immediate turn off i just didn't feel like even talking to them and i can honstly say that iam not alone , if you think you're worth that much that's good but no man does , and its not a compliment

[AleDeEurope]

High maintenance girl = a girl who thinks she's God's gift.
Keep telling yourself it's positive, if that makes YOU happy, go ahead, it's your life, but please, don't come crying when guys pass over you because they don't wanna deal with a self-absorbed woman.

[James19]

Totally Agree...

[SilenRose]

Difference between the sexes according to users from my experience on GAG:

A guy who wants the best in life= ambitious

A girl who wants the best in life= high maintenance, gold digger, and slut

Once everyone realizes we all want different things in life we'll probably be able to avoid future questions on the subject.

[Explore2016]

Sorry but "a guy who wants the best in life =ambitious" that is because he goes out and gets what he wants himself. A girl who wants the best in life is called high maintenance, gold digger and slut when she relies on and expects a guy to give it to her on a sliver platter where as if she does it on her own steam she too is called ambitious.

[Mesonfielde]

@Explore2016 *clap clap clap*

Indeed, nobody minds that you want the best in life IF that doesn't mean you're relying and leeching on someone else's achievements to get it.

[Explore2016]

@Mesonfielde sarcasm?

[Mesonfielde]

@Explore2016 No, I actually meant that. If you leech others, you won't get people's respect. That's exactly what you said, and I agreed with it. :P

[Dragonstarterplus]

@Explore2016

Well said, wish I could upvote that

[JSmuve]

@Explore2016 I was gonna share the exact sentiment!

[0112358]

I don't think 'wants the best in life' equates to 'slut'.

It may equate to high maintenace or gold digger. There are sort of two possibilities:
- there are some girls who want the best material things in life, but just expect to get them. There are guys like this too, but nobody is handing them the things, so they get on with going after them. So do most girls. But if a girl is young, beautiful and wants nice things, she can probably get them from people who want to use her vagina.
- we do also have the girls who are out there doing great things. And it's true, unfortunately, that guys may -worry- these girls are high maintenance. I think the source of this is that while men who are successful are often happy to date or marry women who aren't as financially/status wise as successful as them, women -more often- seem to want to date or marry guys who are 'equal' to them... or higher. Men claim that's all women want, women claim men are too insecure otherwise.

But...

[0112358]

it can create that 'successful/ambitious women = demanding woman' idea.

[SilenRose]

@Explore2016 You only proved the double standard and stereotypes on women by not addressing men are capable of this as well.

[SilenRose]

@0112358 I think people are missing the point that what I wrote is based on comments from other GAG users. I remember two male users saying a girl who wants a guy to have his own car is a "sloot" (slut).

-Young and handsome men can get things handed to them as well if they give the person what they want. Especially in the LGBT community.
-What I got from that is you are screwed either way.

[Explore2016]

But generally and historically dont do this lets be honest with ourselves honey.

[0112358]

Agree on the young men. If you're young and willing to take a D you can get paid, male or female. Everything is fair ;)

Anyway i wasn't trying to disagree with you exactly, or say it's right. I think there's an idea that highly successful women are only interested in highly successful men that's less assumed with successful men (though we expect they are only interested in highly -attractive- women).

I'm not sure I understand the 'screwed either way' comment. I think you might mean, if you're a successful woman men will back off, whether it's because they don't like it, or they think you won't like it. If thats what you meant, it does make a difference, because if it's just concern about what you like, you can overcome that by making the move first.

I've posted before about couples i know that work well where she's the conventionally successful one, it can work.

[dartmaul15]

@SilenRose it's all down to who pays and does the hard work. An ambitious person is one willing to do the hard work for the best in life; someone EARNING it. A "high maintenance" person is someone wanting his or her partner to GIVE it to him/her; someone DEMANDING it.

That is the difference between a gold digger and an ambitious person.

[jacquesvol]

A girl who wants the best in life and studies to be a doctor or a lawyer gets all my respect.
A girl who wants the best in life because daddy told her that she's entitled to it is high maintenance.

[jacquesvol]

@SilenRose

[SilenRose]

@jacquesvol Not according to the GAG users I've seen post on here. Just like I originally stated.

[jacquesvol]

@Mesonfielde Where did they get the habit to buy expensive clothes, according to you?
in my opinion it's possibly a reaction against poverty during youth (but then they'd have worked themselves up through studies) or it was just like that all their life, shopping with mom for clothes on 5th Av or in Paris, with dads platinum credit cards.
The guilded people and those copying them)

[Mesonfielde]

@jacquesvol I was poor, I rather avoid buying expensive clothing and stuff that doesn't really provide the value it costs, but I do admit I have since purchased a more expensive mouse, and a higher quality headphones (audio Technica ATH-M50x, although m40x is better for casual users)... But I buy that with my own money. I am not demanding towards others, and expect them to buy high tier things FOR me. If I want something, I will buy it myself! And that is the difference to being high maintenance, especially with regards to being demanding in terms of social interactions. I don't expect people to bend backwards at my whims, yet that is what high maintenance people do. I think it is learned behavior, although it is odd that it works well enough for them not to want to change.

[TimeSplitters123]

Grow up an get over it, and it is nice to see men putting women in their place, I've seen the male answers.

[SilenRose]

@TimeSplitters123 Grow up and get over it? Men putting women in their place? Hmm, looks like we have a winner here. Have fun with life.

[Mishae]

You say a lot of things and have the anonymous to hide behind it. Hi maintenance is not a compliment. You have given HM the definition that you want.. I am not I maintenance but I have every quality you have except, I'm not conceited, I'm down to earth, I pay for my dates was split them, I don't dress up to go to the supermarket, I understand the Darwinian evolution of men, sex and accept it and I don't run around saying I'm high maintenance and love it. And your description of yourself including, "easy-going" is laughable. Your writing displays the exact opposite. Flavor and tone of your writing is that of someone who is wearing to tight a skirt walking in high heels along Fifth Avenue in Manhattan on a windy day with a hat that constantly keeps being blown off. Out of the alley comes Regis Philbin who proudly declares you the 500th woman to pass this way and you are eligible for a free day of Spa treatment if you can just name the color of the lipstick you're wearing.

[myTake Owner]

Of all the opinions I've gotten on this, yours is the one that made me laugh out loud. Congrats. It's true I posted this anonymously. It's also true that you can judge me by my 'flavor and tone of writing'. That's fine. But here's something else that's true: you don't know me, but you obviously think you do. I'm entitled to my opinion just like you are. Something in this piece obviously resonated with you, otherwise you wouldn't bother to comment just to attack me. This is just one person's opinion and I know it's flawed, but it's MY opinion, not yours. So newsflash, sweetie! I'd be a lot more insulted if you could actually spell correctly.

[Mishae]

I use voice recognition software that is inconsistent with its spelling. You bet I don't know you and I don't want to. You confabulate, you skew every aspect of hi maintenance in order for you to look innocent and what guys would call, "a cunt." What resonated in this piece that got me quite upset is your lying. Lying to the reader and lying to yourself. You choose to believe whatever aspect of hi maintenance makes you look good. Go ahead go for it. Whatever you want to have guys think of you hi maintenance, a Bitch, conceited what ever. Your opinions whoever you are make you appear to be a very not nice person.

[Mysterio421]

Ah, the Pre Madonna type. Of course like I tell guys, this is why there is no benefit to marriage. Take take take. Take half or more of everything. I thought being in a relationship was give and take. A Mercedes Benz needs "high maintenance" and it's expensive. It can be from the late 1900's up to today. Doesn't necessarily mean it's high quality if it has a lot of miles on the odometer.

[Explore2016]

Anyone is generally only call high maintenance when they expect too much from a potential partner and give so little in return.

[HikerDude]

That's the exact essence of the situation.

[Anonymous]

High maintenance to me means emotionally taxing and someone who drama always seems to follows. Guys can be high maintenence too but that goes against the way we're supposed to be; not showing of emotion. Its definitely not a good thing. Just as a guy being considered a douchebag isn't.

[Mesonfielde]

""the way we're supposed to be; not showing of emotion.""

I'm speaking from experience; that is a terribly detrimental view with numerous negative consequences. Emotional suppression does not mean emotional maturity.

[Opinion Owner]

@Mesonfielde its the way society wants us to be.

[Dragonstarterplus]

Sounds like you're gonna be lot of work... Eh, on to the next girl

[samit11]

high-maintainance, challenge, standards.. etc are terms that make dating disgusting to me. Can't it be simpler than that?

[Anonymous]

High maintenance people are seriously mentally unstable they just want money they think like sluts but act classy lmao that's only difference

[Anonymous]

High maintenance disorder? isn't that another name for a woman.

[ArtDent]

Keep telling yourself that

[WeComatose]

meh (diller)