Listen, I’m not a dating expert, I’m not a guru or a love scientist but I can tell you one thing: I am in fact a girl. Being a girl who is moderately attractive means that I have been asked out multiple times by multiple men and have been on many dates, which gives me enough experience to say there are definitely some guys out there who make some clueless mistakes. After a long discussion with a group of my lady friends, I compiled a list that contains things to avoid doing when asking out a woman/when you’re on a date.
DISCLAIMER: Try not to take this so personally, because I know there’s going to be sour haters who complain that I’m just an ungrateful woman, that I don’t know anything, etc, etc. This is all in good fun and they are just suggestions, you absolutely don’t have to take my unlicensed advice (obviously) and can do things however you want. But, if you want some things to consider for your future dating endeavors, please continue on and enjoy the take.
Asking to “hang out” instead of go on a date
I’m sure many people are wise to this by now, but if you ask someone to hang out, that’s not quite the same as asking them on a date, especially if you have been friends with this person prior to making any romantic interest known. By asking someone to hang out, you might think you’re being smart by making the encounter casual and easy to retract if things go wrong, but you also put yourself in a position where you might not be seen as anything more than a buddy. I mean, you hang out with your friends; you go on dates with people you’re interested in.
So instead of worrying if she’ll find it weird or if it ruin your friendship, gut up and ask the girl out on a DATE. If you’re worried about losing her as a friend, be really cool about it and assure her that you have no expectations and won’t blame her if she decides she isn’t okay with it. I’ve had to do this with guys before and you know what? We stayed friends. It is possible to be friends with someone you had romantic feelings for, if you choose to. I don’t blame anybody who chooses not to, though. It isn’t the same for everyone.
Saying “I’d like to take you to/buy you dinner” when you really want to go Dutch
Wanting to go Dutch on a date is totally reasonable. Sure there may be some women who have an issue with that and you can foot the whole bill if you really want to, but if you’re a more modern guy then you need to make sure that this information is clear to the woman you’re going out with.
Not all women expect you to pay for a date, but a lot are under the impression that if you invite them that you’re offering to pay for everything. A good way to avoid any confusion is to avoid saying this like: “I want to take you to dinner” or “I want to buy you dinner.” When you say things like that, you put the woman in an awkward position of expecting to be paid for when really that wasn’t your intention; you can’t just assume she’s all evil and like she expects to be paid for unrightfully if you word it like that was your intention to begin with.
I always offer to go Dutch, but not all women are the same and may misconstrue you offering to specifically buy them dinner or take them out to dinner as you offering to take them out for a free meal. If you don’t have any intention of doing that, ask if she’d like to go to dinner, or if she’d like to split on dinner. At least then she will either be unsure enough to bring her wallet or she’ll know what to expect. If you have even more guts, just flat out ask her if she doesn’t mind going Dutch. Most women won’t mind.
Bringing sex up TOO EARLY
You being sexually attracted to a woman is normal. No woman out there will deny that, and if she does, well, she clearly lives under a rock so forget her. But having said that, a lot of things are normal: farting, clipping your toenails, hocking up a dirty loogie that has been caught in the back of your throat all day – you get my point. Those things are natural, normal things, but in the wrong place and time, they can be repulsive. The same goes for getting sexual with a woman.
First dates and during the “getting to know each other” period is typically not a good place to bring that stuff up. Sure, she may have amazing tits and you may wonder what colour her butthole is, or maybe you want to know if she’d be into foot stuff or if she’d be willing to dress up as that nanny you had when you were 13, but that doesn’t mean it’s appropriate to ask her yet. If you barely know the girl, those kinds of questions are off limits. The only time they aren’t is in a hookup situation with a girl who you are pretty sure is looking for the exact same thing you are or if she initiates the sex talk first.
Acting like she’s doing you a favor
Being happy and grateful that a girl agreed to go out with you is great, but like I have said in the past: quit acting like this girl is saving you from eternal loneliness by agreeing to go on ONE DATE WITH YOU. That screams desperation and a lack of self worth. She agreed to go out with you clearly because she saw potential in the idea that you two could be compatible, or at the very least she is open minded and willing to see where things go. That means that you were too weird or repulsive enough for her to instantly reject you, which is a victory, stop acting like she is a total saint and like she’s doing you the biggest favor. You are valuable, you could be a great boyfriend, you’re cool as fudge, get rid of this mentality that women live on a pedestal far above you.
So none of this:
“Thank you so much! I’m so happy you said yes! I was worried you’d say no!”
“Thanks again for coming out with me, it means so, so much to me!”
“I can’t believe you said yes, I’m so happy you gave me a chance!”
Sure, thanking someone for coming out and having a good time at the end of the night is totally normal, but you don’t need to thank her over and over again from start to finish. If she accepts your proposal, you can answer with a simple: “Alright, that’s awesome. I’m looking forward to it.” You don’t have to answer with: “Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!”
Come on man, stop that. You're worth going out with, just believe in yourself. Damn.
Making the entire date about her
There’s definitely some women out there who will hate me for this but the date isn’t just about making sure the girl is happy. You matter too, and therefore the date should be equally about her getting to know who you are as it is about you getting to know her. While it is expected that you court her – especially if you asked her out – that doesn’t mean she is the only thing that matters. The conversation shouldn’t be all about “20 Questions w/ Stacy” or “An in depth interview w/ Jennifer.” Don’t be afraid to direct the topic back to you and your interests every once in a while; I mean, if the focus of the date is on nothing but her, how is she going to know whether or not you’re even a suitable companion to begin with? All you did was talk about her.
By all means, show some romantic gestures, be genuinely interested in her and what she has to say, but don’t be afraid to bring the conversation to your side as well. You’re just as interesting and as important as she is.
Honestly, no fancy way to end this one, just thank you as always for reading and I hope you got something out of this take. You guys enjoy the rest of your week and I look forward to your comments.