Should I Enter The Complicated World Of Dating Sites/Apps?

Introduction: So I am approaching my late 40s, I work from home and don't socialise as much as I used to, therefore the opportunities to meet someone new seem quite limited. I am very quiet, I don't think I am shy, I just keep to myself. I think I come across well online so maybe dating sites or apps may suit me. One part of me is thinking I should give them a real go but the other part of me is not so sure.

Should I Enter The Complicated World Of Dating Sites/Apps?

Disclaimer: My experiences and perceptions are personal, I am sure there are plenty of people who find dating sites/apps very helpful and enjoy success on them.

Background: Upon reflection all my girlfriends have come from already knowing them through school or work, either that or meeting them through a friend meaning I had never approached a girl romantically without "knowing" her first. If asked how I wooed the girl, I would be unable to answer in fact anytime I thought about it and actively chased a girl romantically things would go pear shaped so it was definitely a case of ...

I have a dabbled with dating sites/apps before but with no great committment never going beyond talking to women.

(1) Taking Stock

As I said in the introduction I am 47 years old, quite happy to be on my own but not so enamoured of the times I feel a bit lonely. My last relationship which was a disaster ending 5 years ago then fate intervened and for a few years dating was the last thing on my mind. Things are now returning to normal so I have being single for 5 years maybe now is the time to get back out there.

What has changed since the last time I was looking for romance. As I said in the introduction I work from home now and do not seem to socialise as much as before therefore the opportunities to meet someone seem to be fewer.

What I alluded to in the introduction is that when I gave any online forum a good go or in online messaging I always seemed to come across well so could I translate that talent to a dating site or app?

(2) Initial Analysis

From my previous experiences with dating sites maybe a premium site seems best bet, the free sites seem to be full of fake accounts, catfish and scammers which often means the genuine people will seem to be quite wary.

Now I begin to see the flaws in my plan I have always had "wingmen" whether it was the environment (school or work) that brought me and girl together or a friend who introduced us. I am now on my own and have to think about it which has never led to success before (Gulp!)

Ok, we won't panic, we will continue on our path of logic to see where it brings us.

(3) First Steps - The Easy Bit

Right then I have agreed to join a dating site or app, I make the decision to be as open, candid and honest as I am in real life hoping that any potential dates would give me the same courtesy. I fill out the physical description and give photos. I do the personality quizzes ( JUST DO THEM, DON'T OVERTHINK THEM) - Even the easy bit has me breaking out in a cold sweat.

(4) The Nightmare Bit

Yes, the "About Me" bit and everyone says "Oh I can never think of what to say in this bit", what they mean is they haven't a clue for sure who they are and even if they did how could they fit it in a 2,000 character box without frightening people off. So how do I fill in this box, I will recount 4 incidents to show you why I am so confused

(a) I was working in an office and had the following conversation with my two best friends in there.

Woman :- "Dave is the most open person I know"

Man:- "No, he is not, he is the most private person I know "

They were both close friends and know me quite well

(b) When asked what I liked about myself on a GaG question, I said

" It is definitely my personality, a 100% - If you caught me off guard away from reflective surfaces, it would take me a second to remember what I look like - I literally do not give appearance a thought apart from am I clean check, have I clothes on check, are they comfortable/appropriate for weather check, okay leave the house but my personality I don't even break it down I am Dave. My friends don't even try to explain anymore when something about me comes up they will more often than not say "It's just Dave" and the rest of my friends will understand what they mean. I do, say and act in a certain way. When people get to know me they will know what to expect".

(c) When asked on Gag to describe your personality in one word, I said

" Double-Edged because a lot of the attributes people like about me other people find off putting".

(d) When asked to give some random facts about myself on GaG, I said

" I voted B - You think a person who spends so much time inside his head would know himself but truth is you probably know more about me than I do. The thing that always strikes me about myself is the contradictions.
(1) I am fearless but sometimes feel afraid
(2) I am uber confident but at times can feel the insecurity gnawing at me
(3) I try to be as kind as possible but am a vicious bastard to myself
(4) I try to be totally self aware but at the same time am the most gullible/naïve person in the world
(5) I am a force of nature yet very quiet possibly even shy
(6) I wear my heart on my sleeve but am surrounded by 30ft walls
(7) I love being alone but hate being lonely
(8) Haha I can't answer a fun question to save my life".

So how I do I work all that out into a clear 2,000 character description?

(5) Even After All That - I Still Have Problems

At last I have joined the site only to realise I have the personality that seems like " I am very quiet maybe a bit shy, I have zero social skills, I couldn't flirt or small talk my way out of a wet paper bag. I think a crowded room is a circle of hell but once you get to know me I am fine, you just have to break down all the barriers" just what a potential date on a site or app wants to hear leaving me somewhat perplexed.

(6) In Conclusion

See what happens when I think about it - I am now even more wary than when I started Take - Go figure.

I am sorry, this was more of a rant than a take, anyway thanks for reading.

Take Care,

Dave (KDA20)


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What Girls Said 8

  • I vowed to never make a dating app. Nope! But tell me how it goes. I am always changing constantly!

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  • Have you found anyone attractive for you in gag? 😇

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    • The age profile is wrong - Vast majority of users are 20 years younger than me - It wouldn't be fair for me to view site romantically - I think more of it being a social site for me.

    • I wouldn't be surprised there would be some underaged girls in here having a crush on you for being 'older' and 'mature'.

    • I am happy as I am just using the site as a social site - Less complicated

  • haha i would say just try it and give it a go, first with those free ones and then maybe even premium ones xD

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  • Go for it, just remember to have a great supermodel pic for your profile picture.

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  • I Have done dating sites before, its pretty cool. but you still have to do the work for the relationship to continue of off the site when you find someone you like.

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  • I also have social skill issues, which is why I forbid myself from entering the dating scene. Consider yourself lucky to have friends and wingmen; I just have myself. Use what you have, and improve yourself.

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    • If you suffer from social phobia like me, then what you can do is just copy from a person you really admire in terms of social interaction. Some people have great people skills, and you should definitely imitate that. There is one guy in my class who has very good, admirable, and professional social skills. I have examined his talking habits. He pays attention, behaves non-judgmentally, shows empathy. When it comes to social skills, it's not about what or how you feel, but how you behave. If you express the right set of behaviors and tone of voice, along with the right words, and if you are generally being observant of your surroundings, then I think it may improve your social skills. I am still working on mine.

    • Upvote because I can relate. I don't have any wingmen either. Just myself.

  • I think you should definitely give it a try. Many couples meet online and have a successful love life, it's a real new phenomena of meeting your love partner online in today's era.

    You have nothing to lose, you'll either find someone or you will be more shifted into only meeting someone in real life. You can't know unless you try!
    I have seen you on this website before and I definitely think you have a great personality, I think many women will be interested by you by online chatting alone.

    Also I think you don't need to only restrict yourself with those dating sites. If you are active on those several forums you're on, and you get close with another user and you appreciate each other then that could work too!

    Good luck :D

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  • I think you should. And also join some clubs and start getting involved in things you like to meet more people. Even if you're meeting other guys, they'll still probably know other women who you might meet over time.

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    • Thanks for reading - Good advice

    • And if all else fails, just move anywhere else out of Ireland. Your accent will get you everything haha.

    • Thank you

What Guys Said 14

  • kda do u have a netflix subscription? so that you can netflix n chill?
    baha

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  • At last I have joined the site only to realise I have the personality that seems like " I am very quiet maybe a bit shy, I have zero social skills, I couldn't flirt or small talk my way out of a wet paper bag. I think a crowded room is a circle of hell but once you get to know me I am fine, you just have to break down all the barriers"

    This definitely sounds like me, I have tried so many dating websites/apps and nearly none of them worked for me however the only thing once I got from was a job. I would say online dating is a completely waste of time.

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  • No, dating apps/sites are a worthless, extremely frustrating and ego-crushing experience. Sincerely, even trying to pick up women in the street is less shitty.

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  • Sounds like you want to but you're a bit wary of the unknown.
    I say go for it. You can't be sure what will happen or who you might meet until you try. You need face uncertainty and not let it hold you back.
    What do you really have to lose?

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  • It's a good way to kill time, but nothing more. Girls get messaged by tons of guys, so a lot of times you can only message back and forth a few times before you get lost in her pile of other messages.

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  • Online dating is really great and sometimes the only real option. I am also 47. I work from home. I was married 25 years and made my family my world. So I only have 1 best friend, no others. And he has his own family with young kids so he is busy.
    I have always hated clubs. I am not religious. So I have no other option to meet anyone. my sister married someone she found on POF. So i know it works
    I have used POF and Tinder with excellent results. I am currently with someone i have only dreamt about before now. I am falling in love fast. The whole "about me" is a crapshoot. If anyone puts "ask me" or "fill in later" I figure they are hiding things and never approach them. If you put too much, they think you over share. I put basic info and keep it short. Maybe 1 or 2 paragraphs.
    If I get a message from someone with just "hi" or "hi there", I delete it. They must be doing that all day long. If you can't say at least 1 or 2 sentences, then I am not high on your list anyway.
    It is a learning process. If you can learn to not take any of it personally, take something from each encounter and apply it (good or bad) to your approach, it works itself out.

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  • I would definitely go for it. What do you have to lose? Even though I'm not a social guy, I was able to find 2 girlfriends last year while using online dating for a month (Okcupid to be exact). Here are my suggestions:

    1. Have 3-5 pictures of yourself without selfies. Have 1 be a professional pic, 1 with your pet, 1 with you outside hiking or walking, and 1-2 pictures of you right now.
    2. Answer the questions that the dating site gives you. Answer roughly 50-100 questions to the best ability.
    3. Make your profile more authentic and personalize to your standards. Don't copy and paste from other dating sites.
    4. This may be the hard part, but you will have to message girls first (I learned that lesson very quickly while using OkCupid). Message them on Sunday because Sunday is a lazy day for the majority of people.
    5. Expect to take at least 2-5 years of practical online dating in order to find success.

    Good luck :) I know you can do this!

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  • DON'T MAKE A RELATIONSHIP ITS NOT WORTH IT, THE FIND SOME FRIENDS AND FUCK THEM TRUST ME

    www.youtube.com/watch

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  • Mr Dave Try to make more friends and know more people , you will not lose anything.

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  • May as well have a crack

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  • Dating online is kind of an art, but I can share some tips of my long experience on it.

    - Diverse images and videos are the most important part of it. It removes layers of abstraction, and the person can be absolutely certain about who you are.

    - Write a long summary of yourself, but don't study it too deep. They only want to know how you sound, so what you write should sound as you when you read it aloud.

    - Let the chasing to the women. They are floated with messages they never read, so they will search for who they like themselves. So just wait for someone to contact you, and meanwhile meet people in real life.

    - The people that are the most appealing are usually the ones that last the less in these sites, as they find couple fast. So even if you don't see women that you like, that doesn't mean someone interesting isn't going to enter the site and contact you eventually.

    - Expect it to take a while. It takes a while even for the most appealing men.

    - The best dating site is Plenty Of Fish, but having profile in various sites is a very good idea.

    - Payment sites usually use fake accounts to convince you of loosing your pocket. There are sites that even use real people for scamming you.

    - Copying the best is faster than reinventing them.

    - Instead of hiding your flaws, use them to appear more real. Then improve them!

    - 80% of your sexual appealing is your health, but you only will find enough motivation for staying healthy if you do for your own well being.

    - Everyone wants to be around happy people, and it's proven by science that being happy is doing what makes you happy.

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  • Well I think you are overanalysing things and getting too much into your own head. Writing a whole mytake on the subject proves that. You need to let go a bit and get out of your comfort zone. Personally I think dating websites are not that successful since that's statistically proven, but for many other reasons as well. You would be far better off meeting people face-to-face as this is the best way to connect with someone. This may be difficult and seen as a big challenge, but it will greatly improve your social skills and people get a real sense of who you really are rather than just text on a screen. People often interpret text to suit their view of your personality and once you meet in real life you seem like a completely different person. This just wastes time trying to get to know someone online and then after all that effort to realise they were not what you thought they were.

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    • Good advice - Will have a look at it from that point of view

  • No, rants are angry and often boring. This was neither.

    My problem with dating websites is that men vastly outnumber women (something that many dating sites go to great lengths to cover up ). This is why I found OKCupid to be refreshing and fascinating since they published their data. They also conducted many experiments that they published. I very much recommend Christian Rudder's book Dataclysm. A FASCINATING read that I couldn't put down.

    Any rate, you strike me as a thoughtful man, in the sense that you think clearly and ponder what you say and in the sense you are mindful of others' feelings. I wish you the best of luck. Keep us informed.

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  • "Should I Enter The Complicated World Of Dating Sites/Apps?"

    I only have one friend who has an online dating success story. So many of my friends tried it and came up empty-handed. He's a brilliant and good-looking guy, mid-40s, and a member of Mensa (where I met him). His work is as a technical writer, covering a wide range of subjects. He only had one problem: he had *zero* interest or skill in small talk.

    Even with the things I'd talk to him about from physics to mathematics to history and so forth, he had such advanced knowledge that half of what he was talking about went over my head. A social settings, I usually had to keep him company since he just couldn't talk to people so well. So he wasn't exactly the type who could even get past the point of saying "hi" to a woman, unless she was willing to talk about string theory or something of this sort.

    Yet, online, he found a most beautiful woman, early 30s, and now they're married. She's an archaeologist and historian, probably not exactly the type of person either to talk about things like shopping. And I couldn't imagine a more perfect match. That's the only success story, and it was two eccentric people who probably could not have found people like each other any other way.

    Most of my friends came up empty-handed with online dating, only to eventually get married but to people they met in person. So I generally suggest to do it the old-fashioned way.

    "[...] I work from home and don't socialise as much as I used to [...]"

    I do the same. My recommendation is to fix this problem. It's really tempting to just stick around in our house when the office is there. Life passes us by. Especially when single, I think you have to follow up, make a friend or two, and go to their social events -- network, meet those friends of friends of friends of friends. It doesn't take but a few connections to branch out like crazy.

    That said, if you do try the online dating thing:

    "I am very quiet maybe a bit shy, I have zero social skills, I couldn't flirt or small talk my way out of a wet paper bag."

    ... that might be a little too honest. I imagine it's like a job resume. You can't be putting things in there like, "Can be very self-motivated except sometimes I get really lazy."

    So perhaps one of the first qualities you could put is something like "honest, open communicator" -- I imagine the second follows the first, things of this sort. And those are already two really amazing qualities.

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