It’s been a long time coming, but here it is: just like my earlier myTake, Common Mistakes I Think Men Make When Asking Out/Dating Women, I’ve finally done a female version as per requested. I’m not going to lie, I was more hesitant to do this one because, in my experience, the ladies tend to be a little more sensitive on the subject. But, I’d be doing everybody a disservice if I didn’t keep my word, so I did it anyways.
Like all of my takes, please keep in mind that these are just my opinions, my advice is unlicenced, and obviously not every woman out there is like this and I am not suggesting that. So save the wasted characters by saying “Not all girls are like that!”
I know, but in my experience, A LOT of women make the same four mistakes I’m about to share with you today. So, without further adieu, here are the top four mistakes I think WOMEN make when asking out/dating MEN.
Not asking men out in the first place
If you want something, you have to go and get it and these days. Nothing in life will land in your lap, and if it does, it’s at the cost of someone else’s effort. It’s becoming less and less common with the electronic age for people to be quite as forward and upfront as they used to be; back in the day, it a male’s primary objective was typically to get a girlfriend, and it was expected of him to do all of the pursuing.
But then we ended up in 2016 and this isn’t a 40’s romance.
Of course there are still men who will ask you out, but have you ever noticed that they aren’t quite as quick to do so? That’s because now a days a lot of people won’t take the risk of getting rejected unless they’re positive they’re going to get a pay off. That’s right ladies; that very well means that a guy can like you and still NOT ask you out. Blame all of the unwritten rules of dating and the overall fear of “ruining the friendship” or “getting friendzoned” etc, but either way, if you really want a guy to go out with you, you’re better off actually making some effort.
Too often women rely on the old way of thinking: being subtle is best, and let him make the moves. Here’s the problem: men these days want confident women who know what they want. Sure, maybe there’s more traditional guys out there, but ever since the early 2000’s, confidence has been the sexiest thing since sex, and just like women hunger for a confident man, men want a confident woman who isn't hard to figure out. After all, he wants to date you, not solve the Divinci Code.
Think about it this way: men have a lot of unfair pressure to be the one to do the initiating, to do the courting, to pay for the date, and so on. Women of all people should understand unfair gender-based pressure, considering we got enough of it to last centuries to come. So, the next time you’re sitting there, staring at your crush and berating him in your head for not asking you out, hoist up your big girl panties and go labias to the walls and just tell the guy he’s cool and you want to go out with him. After all, you can’t exactly get mad at him for fearing rejection and not asking him out if you won’t ask him out for the same reason. #hypocrisy
Relying on “games” to advance the relationship
I’m not saying women are manipulative, I’m saying they’re grossly misinformed. I cannot tell you how many times I have heard the following come out of women’s mouths:
How long to I wait until I text him back? I don’t want to seem desperate but like, not uninterested, but like not too available.
So if I make him jealous, he’ll want me more, right?
I’m not just going to tell him I like him! Guys love it when a girl plays hard to get!
No … no … NO! Stop, stop it … Stacy! Rachel! Michelle! Don’t you dare do any of that mind-game bullshit. Stop it … STAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHP!!!
Whew, pardon me, needed to get that off of my chest. Back to being serious now, women rely too much on mind games without even realizing they’re playing mind games, believing that by being indirect, unavailable, and so on, that this somehow makes them more desirable. Really, it’s all a game of appearances: they’re so afraid of seeming a certain way that they try to be the bipolar opposite, thinking that this will nullify any chance of them seeming desperate, too available, so on and so forth. Really, all they are doing (in the case of men who are wise to the game) is saying: “I’m extremely unconfident, indecisive, and manipulative, I’m probably not the kind of girl you want to go out with because I’ll likely continue to use mind games to get my way if we ever get into a committed relationship!”
Of course, ladies, you may really not be unconfident, indecisive, or manipulative, but your actions suggest that you might be. Just like how a guy hiding his phone from you might suggest he could possibly be a cheater, relying on mind games may not do you any service in making you look good.
There are better ways of not seeming desperate and undesirable, and it’s as simple as self control. If a guy texts you or calls you, you’re not being “too eager” by answering right away, you’re being courteous and showing interest. Being too eager is responding to his one text or one call with an over excited string of texts or voicemails obsessing over your next opportunity to meet. That is too damn eager.
Also, to whoever made up the concept of making someone jealous to want you more, I’d like to have the opportunity to slap the crap out of you, because that is an unnecessarily cruel thing to do to someone. By doing this, you’re basically saying: “I’m easy” and “I don’t care about your feelings, I just want you to want me more for my own selfish self gratification regardless of if it bothers you. Prepare for an insecure relationship, wee!”
Do not do that shit. If you wouldn’t appreciate him doing that to you, you know damn well you shouldn’t do it to him. Be interested but respect his boundaries and you’ll have zero need for any of these tactics.
Beating herself up too quickly
Alright ladies, I’ve grilled you enough, now it’s time for me to get a little soft and sympathetic here: I get that we’re conditioned to be pretty insecure for a lot of reasons, and that you may be quit to doubt yourself as a result. I think a big mistake women make in dating guys is they think his bullshit, bad behavior (should he show it) is her fault.
It’s not your fault, he’s being a jerk.
I’m not dogging guys as a whole, but most guys can admit that, just like women, there are dickish, manipulative guys who use the very same tactics I accused women of using. These men don’t realize that they’re basically ruining women for the next guy when he pretends to like her only to use her for sex, or when he plays the hot-and-cold game, and so on. Like I said, it’s pretty normal for a lot of women to have issues with their self esteem, and too often I will see good women putting themselves down for the actions of an absolute asshole, and then they wonder why women think manipulation tactics work.
Maybe he ignores me because I was too interested…
Maybe he keeps blowing me off because I’m not pretty enough…
Maybe he won’t go out with me because I gave it up too early…
Maybe he’s an asshole to me because I’m not good enough. I must deserve it.
Honey stop that crap. You are not at fault for somebody treating you like shit unless you were the one treating them like shit first. If you did nothing but like this person and they treat you badly, it’s because there is something wrong with THEM. They are the issue, not you. Abusers and manipulators are the way they are because it’s effective, not because you caused them to be that way. Too many women will let their self esteem be ruined by some asshole, making her untrusting, unconfident, and potentially manipulative to the next guy she meets.
So ladies, the next time a guy treats you like crap, instead of blaming yourself, tell yourself this: anyone who treats you badly simply for liking them is not the kind of person to get hung up on. It’s one thing to cry over spilt milk, but there’s no reason to cry over spilling sour milk.
Stressing over sex
Yes, you heard me: the virgin is talking about women worrying too much about sex. Listen, I may have not had myself a piece yet, but I promise you I have scared guys off by getting too protective and anxious over the idea of having sex, and I feel a lot of women have the same issue and the vice versa.
Sex is slightly more emotional and sacred to a lot of us girls, especially considering our morals and worth are often taken into question if we’ve had what people consider “too many partners.” Somehow, by being sexually active, our worth is diminished and we’re seen as “too easy” or “slutty.” It’s contradictory of course, considering men’s sexual exploits are more celebrated, but that’s a different issue. My point is, is that all of what I have mentioned have conditioned a lot of women to stress themselves out about the right time to have sex.
Not all guys give as much of a shit about that stuff as some of the other arseholes out there ladies. Too often I think women get so wrapped up in: “Is it too early?” or “If I like him taking a pass at me, am I a slut?” or “He brought up sex. I’m not comfortable with this, if I tell him that, will he not like me anymore?”
Just take a breath, step back for a second, and collect yourself.
Sex doesn’t have to be a big deal. Most guys, as long as you’re honest with them about where you stand, will work with you as long as you’re willing to give their feelings a little consideration too. You don’t have to (pardon the language) “protect the pussy” with vicious ferocity to prove to him you’re not a slut. Just the same as you don’t have to give it up if you don’t feel ready. As I got older, I became honest about how I felt about sex, and I was AMAZED at how considerate and understanding most guys were. Sure, there were a few jerks who had their egos hurt by the idea of me not hopping into bed with them, but you know what? Bullet dodged! Any guy who is worth being with will work with you on the whole sexy subject, again, as long as you’re willing to actually work with him too.
Alright ladies and gents, that is all I have for this take. I hope some of you found it insightful or at least entertaining to read because I really enjoyed making it a lot. I look forward to seeing what you all have to say in the threads below and I will see you all in the next one. Also, if you noticed I took out the double spacing between my paragraphs, so if you don't mind, let me know if you find this easier to read or more difficult.
As always, have a great week!