I admit it, I have trust issues, I've built walls around myself so I won't get hurt again. I've been betrayed before and it was one of the hardest things I had to face when I was a teenager.
My Former Best Friend:
During summer school when I was in ninth grade, my best friend found another friend. I was okay with that, I had other friends too, it was no big deal. Except when it was. Apperantly, she told that girl all of my secrets and then called me with that girl to dump me. Like, hey, I found a new friend, so can we not be friends anymore? Jokes on her, after that she tried to be my friend again, but I was done. She broke my trust, she she's dead to me.
Ever since that time, I can't seem to open up to my "friends", I call them that, but I don't really talk to them all that much. Even though it's been years and i've gotten over what happened with my former best friend, I still can't forget the memory of her betrayal. I don't think I could take something like this again, so I unconsciously protect myself by being distant.
My First Love:
Six months after that, my first love broke my heart, he shattered it into a million pieces. At that time I was still reeling from the shock of my best friend dumping me, and just like that he decided that he didn't love me anymore, while I was completely in love with him. He meant everything to me, I dreamed of marrying him someday and having kids, etc... and he shared that dream, but I don't know... something changed.
Since then, I've had a couple of boyfriends, but I couldn't truly commit to them. I haven't loved them, none of them. I guess my feelings just disappeared when he broke my heart. It just took me four years to even feel anything for other guys, that's how broken I was. Though, honestly everything was just a blur after he broke my heart.
After that, I didn't want to see anyone, I didn't want to talk to anyone, I didn't want to go anywhere, I didn't even want to live. I was so depressed, I tried to kill myself countless of times. I wanted to die so badly. I lost my other friends because I isolated myself, I dropped out of school and instead started home schooling. I just wanted to be alone.
I was done, my four years of high school just went by in a blur. I gave up at that time, I felt like I was worthless, that nobody loved me. That I should die, I ended up being hospitalized for overdosing and that gave me a reality check. I spent one week in the psyche ward and all I wanted to do was get out of there. And just like everything, my depressed passed, though it took me a very long time to get through it.
Life After Depression:
It wasn't easy, after all, I missed four years of high school and I didn't have friends anymore, but I moved on. I started going to college and I met new people, though I still can't fully trust them, i'm happy with them. And that's all that really matters to me, in time I will fully heal from what happened and make great new friends, I will be be able to trust people again. At the moment, i'm learning to trust again, i'm opening up again little by little.
Good friends are hard to find, but i'm not giving up just yet.
Finally, after seven years, i've met a guy and i'm falling for him. It's crazy and i'm scared as hell, but after such a long time, i'm having these amazing feelings for someone again. And I might get heartbroken again, but it's okay, because I want to be in love again and to be happy like I used to be. And you know what? After everything that happened, i'm glad that i'm getting another opportunity at love.
I'm not letting my trust issues get the best of me, I'm finally free!