No one ever wants to feel like the last person on Earth to do something.
I reached a point in my life, where it seemed as if every one had surpassed me by far.
I further dwelled on the aspect that, I took longer to advance at kissing than the average person.
It seemed as if, most people younger than myself already had their first kiss.
There they were in public speaking to each other about the intimacy they further engaged in.
I found myself unable to relate to the passion those encounters seem to have. Hearing those discussions and being incapable of partaking in them, did not help my feelings subside.
I was extremely behind in the intimacy field, and those discussions only worked as a reinforcement to my already keen realization.
I met this wonderful guy named George, he was extremely tall and goodlooking. He was nineteen years old at the time and took care of his wheelchair bound Mother. The fact that he seemed so caring and nurturing is what made me gravitate towards him. We were fairly new at dating each other. The attraction was there. How could I not feel it? The way he looked at me would say a million words. As he leaned in to kiss me, I could feel myself pulling away. "I know you're not a virgin. Why don't you want to kiss me?" This was true. I was not a virgin, in fact every part of me wanted to forget my very first sexual encounter. It was a moment in my life, that I often tried to place in the back of my memory. It was a day of humiliation and hurt that I couldn't bare to bring to light, especially at a time like this.
Shortly after, I found myself no longer keeping contact with George. He kept pressing the issue about me not kissing him. He eagerly tried to advance to a point I was not yet ready for. The way he operated, didn't allow me the room or space to feel comfortable opening up to him about what I've gone through. Instead, it made me more ashamed that this is my life and the repercussions of it.
The feelings that I felt due to my experience with him, further engulfed me. I was timid, I was scared, I ran away and never looked back.
I met many guys after George, all of them reacting the very same way. In return, I did so as well.
This had now become a pattern for me. I was now at a point in my life, where I no longer wanted to even give love a chance.
If these men respected my decision to wait, perhaps, I would have felt comfortable enough to express myself to them. Is this what every potential relationship would be like for me? It sure felt like it due to my many experiences.
I could feel the doors closing in on me. Everything around me was growing so dim, until I could see a bright smile shining through. This "bright smile" turned out to be from a man I had previously met, his name was Joel. We knew each other for a significant amount of time, before he let it be known he wanted to pursue something beyond what we already had established. "Okay, maybe I'll give this love thing one more shot", I voiced to myself.
After hanging out one day, me and Joel were ready to part ways. He stared into my eyes and smiled.
"This is it" I voiced to myself. He leaned forward to plant a kiss on my lips. I sweetly blushed and pushed away. "I'm not ready to" I said. He kept his smile, and told me it was okay. "Wow, was that really his response?" This "issue" that seemed to follow me through every relationship, didn't seem like a big deal to him at all. At that moment, he showed himself to be a man that respected the boundaries laid out in front him. This gave me a whole new respect for him. He didn't pressure me or make me feel less of a woman. He still liked me the same way, and thought no more or less of me. This was a feeling that made my like for him blossom even more.
It wasn't long before that moment came once again, where he leaned in to kiss me. I told myself, I've been running my entire life and will no longer do so anymore. "I feel safe with this man" I told myself. I allowed him to kiss me and I kissed back. We talked for hours that night. I shared things about myself to him, that I thought I'd take to my grave. To my amazement, he reached inside of his heart and also shared things about his past. This further bought us together.
From that night forward, I took a piece of knowledge with me that will stay in my soul forever. No matter, what you're going through in life, no matter what fear you have that is holding you back, true love is non-discriminatory and understanding. If someone cannot respect who you are as a whole, there is no way they can even bring a small fragment of something meaningful in a relationship. They will question your every ulterior motive, with arms whaling in the air. Love cannot be formulated when there's tension and animosity existing.
Both people must have a good understanding of eachother before those feelings even begin to exist.
If your past experiences tell you love is hopeless. You must understand your "truth" is only temporary. If you begin to shut the door on what you feel you haven't found, there's no way anyone will ever get in. Eventually, that temporary truth will become your permanent reality. Is that how you want to live? Although, many of us haven't found love yet trust me it exists in many other forms. What passion do you have in life? What are your interests? Looking to those things for the time-being, is what will be your strength to carry you through until you get to where you want to be.
Sometimes the love in other forms is all we need to carry on.