A Different Approach To Dating, If We Can Take It

Allow me to compare and contrast two widely understood approaches to dating:

1) Short-term hookup

2) Long-term relationship

There are others, but I think these are the most popular.

A Different Approach, If We Can Take It

From a man's perspective, it makes more sense to go for (1). This isn't just because we're all superficial cavemen who have a physical itch we want to scratch, although that is sometimes the case for everyone, regardless of gender.

It is because for cisgen men, dating requires a lot of work and expense. It takes planning, and while women might say they have to do hair and make-up and clothes, guess what? We have to do variations on all of those "look nice and classy" things too.

A short-term hookup means that for all of our efforts, there is an immediate or near-term reward. I don't know about all of you, but I like immediate gratification.

To be honest, though, I have to admit I am unhappy always going for (1), because as we all know, it ultimately leaves one feeling empty and abandoned. It makes us question our worth. That said, I am also tired of dumping time, energy and money into (2) only to get dumped after the third or fourth date. I couldn't be more burned out of dating using either approach.

Even when (2) is going well, all of that evaluation/being evaluated is exhausting. It's not fun, and it never feels natural, especially if you start out in a mental state of leaving (1) open as a possibility.

I don't imagine the pursuit of (2) is working well for a lot of the ladies out there, either, but I encourage their comments on this Take.

So let's start brainstorming a new way, right? Because is anyone getting married and starting families anymore? I am sure many are, but at the same rate as 1946?

I will start with my suggestion, but welcome others.

How about this? If it's a (2), let's both plan and both pay.

You know, like we're friends. Like we're starting out as friends. Like we always say that's what we're going to do, except we still expect the man to plan and pay. Like you do when you're hanging out with friends of the same cisgender.

Working together to plan and pay teaches us about one another - what our values are, what we're willing to put up with, what we enjoy, what we don't, and how much we're willing to invest in a given activity — without having to commit to hours of possible agony.

Also, planning an event with someone who is awesome is fun. If they're not awesome, it's not fun, which is one more reason this approach save everyone the requisite time, expense and heartbreak.

Now I get that for many, this approach is not a good option. Some men still want to dominate, and women want to be submissive. Men will want to behave like princes and women might want to be treated like princesses. Many will prefer the old heteronormative traditional relationship -- and that's great! Whatever works best for you is the thing you should do. This is just another option, and we shouldn't necessarily assume it's terrible … unless it is?

If a woman won't do this and wants to be a princess, I sure as hell want to know before we agree to go out.

Let's consider whether this approach, which (I hope) is compatible with a more egalitarian, pro-feminist agenda, will at least not be considered outrageous if and when it is proposed in real life.

I realize I am proposing something radical and some might not trust it. If a guy just wants to be cheap and lazy, and doesn't want to use this to get to know you better, you'll know. You'll know! You will have gotten to know him well enough -- and this approach will have done its work.

Anyway, this isn't so much a myTake as an extended question. I am more curious about what kinds of comments it will get. So please, do take your turn now.


1|1
3|6

Join the discussion

0/2500

Submit

What Girls Said 3

  • Hey, @brain5000! We really liked your myTake and we've shared it on our Facebook page :D

    Are you ready for a different mindset?

    Posted by Girls Ask Guys on Saturday, February 27, 2016

    0|1
    0|0
  • rev never done things any other way than two friend working together. i notice guys who insist against it are winy and try to be controlling.

    not having sex without deep trust. (rape is not such an issue fro cis men but they do make it an issue for women.)

    i don't want him paying for me while eps waiting for sex bc I'm not a prostitute.

    i don't want him planning things for me bc I'm not a child.

    i do agree empty sex sucks

    constant interview / evaluation is shitty.

    if its boring to plan something with someone then you don't like them. (or you're too narcissistic to begin a relationship with anyone but yourself. :)

    1|1
    0|0
    • Women rape men at the same rate men rape women. Men are significant;y less likely to report being raped and are more likely to change their memory form being raped to not having been raped, a trend not seen in women.

    • @Jager66 Don't forget all of those school boys that everyone seems to turn a blind eye on too. Hundreds every week. There is a partial list here http://www.wnd.com/2014/08/39783/

  • i do agree with some of the points you made, like random hook ups aren't satisfying, and who really knows how long a long term relationship will really last and it can get confusing, and i was excited to see where this take was going, but all you really said was that both guys and girls should pay for things. ok. most couples already do that. like when i go on dates, i dont expect the guy to always pay. im impressed if he takes me out to a nice expensive restaurant and pays for everything, but i dont expect him to always pay.

    0|2
    0|0
    • That's an accurate assessment

    • Show All
    • you said that couples should always pay separately.

    • I didn't say _always_, but you're right that I was vague enough that it could be read that way by a reasonable person.

      There's never an "always." Would I make my wife pay for any part of a dinner at a nice restaurant on her birthday, for example? Never!

      I was really thinking of "in the beginning." Once you are a confirmed romantic couple, it doesn't really matter - he pays sometimes, she pays sometimes, you take turns - all of the things you suggested would happen then.

      Is that better?

What Guys Said 6

  • This take was completely spoiled by the phrase 'cisgen men', what a load of bs. Men are men, to hell with these stupid terms. What a shame that you had to copy those stupid feminism terms.

    0|0
    0|0
  • Wow! Sounds like a dream come true!

    0|0
    0|0
  • The only way we can revert society from its use of "cisgender" back to just "man" is through arranged marriages.

    Twenty-somethings are dumb, they believe in astrology and get passed around like cum depositories with purple hair, let their parents make decisions for them. Lord knows most are still under mommy's roof anyways.

    0|0
    0|0
  • The positive points in this are being drowned in the bullshit that is terms like Cisgender and Pro-Feminist agenda... /Puke

    0|1
    0|0
  • I almost dated a girl once. It didn't work out because I said there's no sex in dating. She ran away.

    0|0
    0|0
  • Stopped reading this the second you wrote "cisgender".

    0|1
    0|0
    • I thought the same thing. The fuck is "cisgen"? Just say men, goddammit! xD

    • @AleDeEurope Yeah I might be way too steeped in liberalism to be credible here. If I said "men" I would be thinking "what about gay men? This probably doesn't apply to them."

    • Gay men are men too. Besides cis was just put forward as a mockery term to make trans seem better. Has nothing to do with gays or straights really.

      And there is nothing liberal about forcing people into pointless insulting folders, Mr.

Loading...