Online Dating Demystified: A Woman’s Perspective

Online Dating Demystified: A Woman’s Perspective

#OnlineDating #WomansPerspective

It’s hard to believe that it has been nearly 5 years since I met my boyfriend through online dating (Plenty of Fish, to be exact). It was quite the adventure, to say the least, and I can now say I am one of a luck few who found long-term success through online dating. But it didn’t come easy.

Men assume women have it made when it comes to online dating and that we have the pick of the litter. Simple, right? No. The truth is online dating can be a nightmare for women.

For starters, we get bombarded with A LOT of messages (sometimes 100's a day), especially when first signing up to a dating site. Sorting through hundreds of messages can be overwhelming, and unfortunately, a lot of these messages remain unread or get deleted.

So you wonder, what kind of messages are filling up our message boxes?

“Hey” and Other One-line Openers

These types of messages will most likely get deleted. If you want a response, try getting a little more creative than just “hey”. We female folk like it when you actually take time to read our profiles and respond with messages that show us you have a genuine interest in us.

“Sexy”, “Babe” and Other Nicknames

You may think these nicknames are cute, but when they come from a complete stranger, they come across as creepy and degrading. These names are best saved for a relationship, not meeting women through online dating.

Perverted Requests For Sex

Dating sites are for people who want to date, not a F*ck site or some fantasy site to satisfy wild fetishes. If you are into that kind of thing, there are other sites that cater to that kind of thing (such as Adult Friend Finder). Just don’t expect to get too many replies from these kinds of messages on a dating site (especially when women blatantly state on their profiles that they are NOT looking for a casual hookup).

Messages Focused On Physical Appearance

Yes, women like when men make them feel beautiful, but compliments about physical appearance don't feel special to us when they come from a stranger who we have never met. We want to know that you see us more than just an object. Try focusing on her personality and interests at first and save the complements on appearance for actual dates.

Unsolicited Dick Pics

And I emphasize, UNSOLICITED! No Woman ever wants those kinds of messages, ever. Yet for some reason, guys keep on sending them. So guys, just stop. Please. Keep it in your pants where it belongs.

Persistent Messages

In a real life situation, you wouldn't ask a girl out 3 or 4 times after being rejected, would you? The same logic applies to online dating. Persistent messages are perceived as annoying and pushy to us. If a woman doesn't respond to your message, just assume that she is not interested and move on.

Aggressive and Mean Messages

As frustrated as men may get with online dating, lashing out against women is never the answer. Online dating is already scary enough for women without receiving mean and threatening messages from men (and believe me, we do get them).

The Catfish

No article about online dating would be complete without mentioning catfish. Women and men alike get messages from people pretending to be someone they are not. Women (and men) have a right to be skeptical. If it looks too good to be true, it probably isn't.

...And Everything In Between

During my online dating experience, I received some weird messages from guys. Everything from older married men looking for a threesome to foreigners with marriage proposals, believe it or not. While these kind of messages pretty entertaining, any man with common sense should know that these types of messages will repel women.

This is just a glimpse of the some of the types of messages women receive on a daily basis. Yes, there are a lot of nice guys out there who are gentlemen (a point I will make in my next myTake), but, for many women, unfortunately it only takes a few bad apples to spoil the whole online dating experience.

Although I have only addressed the "online" portion of online dating, actually meeting guys in person is a whole other scary aspect for women. In fact, it is one of the riskiest things we can do. We all know there are lots of crazies out there; it is only natural for us to want to take precautions.

I know that online dating is a completely different experience for men, and there will always be guys who still think women "have it easy". I am hoping that this myTake has provided guys who have been unlucky with online dating a better understanding of women's experiences.

What has been your experience with online dating? This is your chance to share.

Stay tuned for my upcoming myTake with online dating tips for men and women!


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What Guys Said 43

  • Your take is spot on! I am tweeting this take right now! Your 5 minutes is up! HA HA HA.. OMG so ridiculous.

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  • A few things about "hey, what's up":

    1. If 100s of girls messaged me saying that, I'd be overjoyed - I mean, I'd have my pick of the litter. I can at least pick ONE of those girls to talk back to. Ok, so that ONE girl is stupid, or whatever - well, now I have 99 girls to talk to, . Realistically though, it's not 100s of girls.
    2. Ok, so I'm a sapiophile: 'hey, what's up' just doesn't cut it for me. Well guess what? I can check HER profile and see what else she has to say about herself. If she still has NOTHING written and NOTHING interesting then
    4. Not everybody has something outstandingly brilliant in her profile that makes for excellent conversation material.
    5. In fact, some people have NOTHING in their profiles whatsoever. What the heck are you supposed to say to them.

    Some of the other stuff: that snapshot was of a guy trying to be interesting because guess what? A simple & respectful introduction like "Hey, what's up" doesn't cut it when it comes to online dating.

    As for the general compliments about physical attractiveness etc. ... well that is just another example of this phenomena. A guy does not know what to say in the face of,

    (a) very little interesting or outstanding material written in people's profiles
    (b) he can't just say "hey, how are you"
    (c) women tell men that "pickup lines don't work" (and yet they have a higher success rate than "hey, how are you"

    I'm agreed with you about all the perves - I would not like to deal with that either. But let's be honest, online dating is 1 x 1,000,000[to the power of 1,000,000] times harder for men than women.

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    • 4. Not everybody has something outstandingly brilliant in her profile that makes for excellent conversation material.
      5. In fact, some people have NOTHING in their profiles whatsoever. What the heck are you supposed to say to them.

      These two. These are what makes online dating harder. Either a girl who have nothing on her profile or just very vague profiles. It seems like 90% of the girls profiles are almost the same too. You'll see ones that list interests like outdoors, sports, country music, rap, exercising, reading, movies, etc. I mean if they at least got more specific then even if we don't like the same bands, movies, books, etc then at least they're putting effort into their profile.

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    • The funny thing about online dating is and boring people is I've even seen some girls say in their profile, message me if you are a good conversationalist, can hold a conversation, conversation is something I value, etc and then give one word replies and do nothing to further it.

      There have been dates where the person has been so boring that even I wanted to end it early, regardless of how attractive they were, because the conversation was so generic and boring. Those might be understatements and then some of them would give me weird looks as if it was my fault there'd be awkward silences.

    • @the_rake that's true as well.

      And I'll hear girls say just because a guy is nice, doesn't mean he's entitled to a girlfriend or sex. Fair enough, but just because a girl is pretty or has a vagina doesn't mean she's entitled to a boyfriend or sex either. They should do more than just sit there and look pretty. Funny thing is, some of these women, and some not all, complain about guys just liking them for their looks/body, and yet don't do shit.

  • As a guy, online dating was no good for me either. I only tried it for awhile some years back because the sites were free, but the quality of women were not good to me.

    Not trying to be rude or discount you or anything, but online dating isn't a very great experience for guys either. And getting few or no replies to your messages is the least of it. It's about the quality of women. Plus we're alerted to matches who are nothing like us. From what I notice, it seems to be that most of the women on those sites are looking for men with big pockets, star looks, hot careers, and men who are willing to tell women whatever good they want to hear about themselves to feel loved. Ultimately it seems like women on those sites don't have the guts to really go out and meet people or get social, so have delusions that they'll find better online.

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    • I agree that men don't have it easy either. It is a different struggle for both genders. I didn't go on online dating for any of the reasons you stated. I stated because I had a busy school/work life and was not meeting guys at University. So do not assume all women are bad.

      I will be making the point in my next myTake that online dating is only a tool to meet people, and ultimately, you get what you pay for. Of course free dating sites are going to have less quality people, because it's free. But for people who are serious about finding a relationship, there are more "high quality" sites that will weed out the bad ones, simply because you pay for the service.

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    • @meowcow It's even worse when you see women in their late 30s or older dress/look trashy in their pictures and have kids on top of it.

  • I think the big question still remains the same: why do men want to strange women like queens but often treat their girlfriends like s***

    If men can get out of this cycle and treat girls they're picking up like normal girls and not goddesses and if they can treat their girlfriends like the best girl in the world things would be a lot calmer for all parties involved.

    Hopefully your take helps convince guys to just be funny and cool instead of overly nice and boring

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  • Sooooo you do have it easier. A man's message will be between another 100 messages, so you gotta be lucky if she responds. But not just that, your message has to be pretty awesome in order for her to reply.
    Men barely get any message, so if a woman messages first, even with a "hey", 95% of the time she'll get a response.
    If you know you're easily gonna get a response if you message first, why don't you message first?

    You gotta go through bad apples, I know that cause we have to go through bad apples too. So yeah, women having very easy in online dating, you just gotta leave your ego aside and message first.

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    • Again, that is not the point of the article; who has it easier. I'm saying both men and women have different struggles with online dating. If both sexes have a better understanding of each others struggles, it makes it easier for everyone. I don't know why these things always turn into a battle of the sexes, lol.

    • Lol... women have it much easier in the dating game. It's not a power thing or battle of te sexes, it just is.

  • One thing you are wrong about is saying hi. Putting too much effort writing something nice to girl is pointless and leave frustration. A simple hi and hey should do more than enough to get the girl attention. If no response move on. In the end this guy no different from the rest

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  • Wow, that must be terrible knowing that you can get a date whenever you want. Quality of that date is irrelevant, you're never going to be alone unless you want to be.

    I don't mean to sound callous, but it's extremely difficult to be sympathetic when you've sent literally thousands of messages of the type that women claim they want, yet still get very few replies, and very few of them result in conversation, much less a date.

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  • I've never online dated.

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  • this isn't online date demystified. this is online dating for dummies. there's nothing in this article worth reading.

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    • It's called myTake not yourTake, so I really don't give a fuck what you think.

  • It is more easy for women

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  • I've never really found it difficult. Just come up with something funny about her profile pic that doesn't have to do with her body, or whatever else. And about 7 or 8 comments in, ask for a date. Simple as that. I think a lot of guys over think it.

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  • I can't believe how you women expect men to do everything perfect all the time. If guys online knew how to talk to women they wouldn't be dating online. It's typically for socially awkward people, so getting weird messages comes with the territory.
    Women send weird messages too sometimes.

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  • Online dating is a scam.

    I've tried it and I only got answers from divorced middle-aged ex-wives, ghetto hoodrats, and fat ones.

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    • I've known some people for whom it has worked out very well. About the same proportion as come home rich from Vegas.

  • Been there done that.

    I've seen a bunch of profiles asking "don't just say hey" regardless of how much you've really offered for me to comment on and you know what, I put a lot of effort in. I would look at them and read about them, already I'm forming the basis of an attachment to this person so I can say something genuine. I would usually give an intro line, use my name and theirs, a joke and/or comment and then a question to try and get them talking. Doing that for every fucking message is emotionally exhausting.

    On the rare occasion I've gotten messages, it's been something like "hi" and then they expect me to carry the conversation - and this is coming from girls who will ask for "the proper effort" in messages. I've also heard girls say, just like you've said, that they get loads of messages and can't respond to them all with something thought out or don't have time to or something like that. So apparently I have to put in a half hour coming up with something cool/funny to say and these same girls just... don't.

    So you get 100 messages a day but it's not like you'd rather be on the other side of the fence, basically it just make me think gee I'm so sorry people like you. Imagine those 100 guys sending 100 heartfelt messages to 100 different girls, it's ridiculous. It's not worth the stress and effort. I put in that effort, I tried to show I cared and now I struggle to muster that kind of caring.

    Even on largely empty profiles i would find something in the pics or whatever, anything, to comment on and try to engage them. But at this point if I were to see something I liked but they expect far more effort from me then I'm just going to give a 'hey, how are you' kind of thing and continue on my way. What else should I do?

    Nothing about this Take says you don't "have it made", it means you've got some trivial annoyances that pave easy street. Yes, you're allowed to complain about things that annoy you but is it really any comparison.

    You gave the example of the aggressive guy and while yes, lashing out isn't going to help, he's not lashing out because he thinks it's going to help. It's because he's *driven to that point* by the difficulty of the situation. Those kinds of messages should highlight how stressful/exhausting/frustrating it all is trying to deal with the situation as well as all that you're asking of them. They're not really justified in being mad a the girl specifically but they are totally justified in being mad in general: It sucks.

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  • im never going to do online dating. it seems like a total sausage fest.

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  • The multiple messaging portion doesn't really make sense after reading the "100's of messages a day, your message may never be seen" portion.

    If she thinks your cute, it doesn't matter what your message says if she sees it, and it is not excessively vulgar, you'll get a reply. "Hey" will do.

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  • I found my girlfriend on pop as well. We've shared our online dating experiences with each other and I also have plenty of friends (males and females) who use online dating. Also, I used online dating on and off for 3 years. Having said all that I'm 100% certain that women have it sooooo much easier, you seriously have no idea how hard it is to get a woman's attention on a dating site and even if you do, good luck keeping it for more than a couple days since they're bound to get messaged by a guy that looks like a model.

    I'm going to be frank and honest, I am more attractive than my girlfriend (her words not mine), I also have better prospects than her, overall my dating profile was much better than hers. Hers was a couple of sentences saying the generic while I had constantly been editing mine for years into a very well written paragraph (I found that I had the most success when I only wrote one paragraph since it was shorter and faster to read... I researched the shit out of this). My girlfriend has told me that my description was one of the best she's read. So I basically had a very well written about me, good pictures (I usually get rated around an 8 plus or minus 1), and good info that girls look for (pics with lots of friends having fun, exploring different countries, hoobies such as guitar, funny (at least I think so), saying I was in med school... basically all the things that girls look for). I put A LOT of effort into it and I would only get around 1 response per 20 messages and no they weren't just "hey", they were thought out messages, ones that girls always claim they like and ones that actually took time to think of. My girlfriend who had a dating profile for just one month and one she literally put up in 5min had more success on it than I did in my 3 years. I'm only using her as an example. Don't even get me started on my other female friends, it's ridiculous. You seriously have no clue how difficult online dating is for guys, unless you're a perfect 10. If you still think that women have it hard (which they don't, big woop you had to read through 100 different heys and you had to block some guys with one click... that must be sooooo hard).

    How about you do this: Get some pics of an average decent looking guy, a guy who isn't ugly but not really that attractive and type out a somewhat generic profile and see how hard it really is for guys, go ahead.

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  • why do women keep complaining about dick pics? you can't even send pictures on most dating sites. anyways if you take out the bad stuff like weirdos, angry texts, and a few others most of womens problems on the sites are non issues. the guy does not even know you for one why should he spend 5-10 minutes sending an interesting convo starter when there's a literal 9/10 chance you won't reply? the way i see it if she does reply to a simple hi how are you i at least know she's interested and not just on there to have friedly banter. yes only then would i put any effort in my messages but not before. id love to get bombarded with messages fro potential partners then all i would have to do is talk to the ones i like and ignore the ones i dont, but nah y'all are to lazy to shift through the shit you want the shit to shift its self clean itself then you'll touch it otherwise you'll just sit there... looking "cute" waiting.

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  • "In a real life situation, you wouldn't ask a girl out 3 or 4 times after being rejected, would you? "

    Let's see how you rejected him. Post the message.

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  • Women complain about messages like "Hey, what's up" and that men don't take the time to read their profiles? Seriously, most women make these mistakes with men as well. But for them it is ok.

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    • For the hundredth time, I am not complaining. I am simply giving my perspective and I am aware that men have some of these issues as well. Men obviously cannot take a bit of constructive criticism well.

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What Girls Said 20

  • I met my last relationship online and it sucked. I don't think online dating is for me. I think I'm one of the few people who will just have to have a random chance encounter with a man.

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  • Great "My Take" @MandyRuth, I Really Enjoyed this.
    I went on FB six years ago, and this is where my husband from Egypt had found me and I ended up flying over to meet him and his family. Months down the Line, I ended up going back, Where we ended up Tying the Knot at the Ministry of Justice and where I ended up Residing for awhile.
    I still have my Online Dating Profile on a Reputable Dating Site that I still use. I have Dated many from there, And in fact, I am Meeting a Man who is Moving to Denver, Colorado, From Brazil, In a few weeks, So I am planning on going out there over the summer.
    A person should Get Educated with anything Online. I have Done my Homework well, And never have had a Problem with Anything in Dealing with Any of my Dates nor Mates.
    However, Online or Off, it doesn't always mean it is going to end up to be a Fairy tale ending. My husband and I are always Breakingup and Makingup for i have not returned to be with him out There, And with other Personal Problems, The Chapter is Closed right now.
    It's Not for Everyone, But with having had many Relationships Before the Online Line, I found I really like this Best from the Rest.
    Good luck and Great work. xx

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  • I've personally never been on an online dating site, but I know tons of girls that have and oh boy do they have some horror stories!!

    The worst one I've heard was when my friend was actually talking to this guy, went on a date with him and everything, and he called her while she was sleeping wacking off!! Another one was incontinent, she was very sweet and understanding about that, props to her.

    LIke I said I've never been on a dating site, but as soon as any of my social media read single, I got bombarded by guys messaging me to date them. Like, stop telling me to give you a try, maybe I don't want to you controlling mf.

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  • I've been using online dating sites for a while now and I'm about to delete my profile because I just can't seem to find the quality of men I am looking for in terms of physique, age, career, and educational background. It even annoys me that a lot of these guys have the nerve to message me without using proper grammar/spelling. I wish I had the luck of meeting the type of guy I am looking for, in person.

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    • I hear you. I'm going to be doing another myTake on online dating tips for men and women, where I talk about how you get what you pay for (in terms of free dating sites) and how filters in some of the dating apps can really help weed out the bad ones.

  • This one guy messaged me and said my main pic was stupid and slutty. I was just making a silly face and wasn't showing anything off. Like why? Some can be pretty mean.

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  • I was on eHarmony for several months, and can honestly say that all of the men I came across as sexist, passive aggressive, and condescending. I can honestly say, I haven't touched a dating site since.

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  • 2 years last Monday, from OKCupid, and we started as friends with benefits, really as a "no label" relationship. All the perks of a commitment, but no label, or restrictions for the first two months.

    When I still had my old profile up, I'd hidden a sort of key-phrase in the "about me", and if I didn't see that word in the subject line of the first message, I usually didn't open it. You're right, we DO want to know that the guy has actually read the about me, and isn't just drawn in by how big the boobs are in the display pic.

    When it came to picking guys from shared interests, I maybe see that they also like Metallica, and then my message is something to affect of "Which Metallica song is your favorite? Mine is "Enter the Sandman", because I feel like reality is the dream". Or maybe they also love "Star Wars", and I ask, "Do you also agree that Han shot first?" I show them that I'm not some brainless drone trying to pretend I'l be fun and interesting just because I think they're "hot".

    I don't care about money and looks; I like a man with depth and personality. His abs and his bank account can't talk me up when I'm down, or have deep conversations about hows stars aren't just balls of gas burning billions of miles away, they're also just tiny specs against the great expanse of the unknown.

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  • I've finally given in and signed up to a dating site a few weeks ago, I thought it was going to be easy but damn, it's like looking for a needle in a haystack.

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  • This is why I try stay away from those things :/ So hard find a good guy today :O

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  • I totally agree especially on the point of "Aggressive and Mean Messages"!
    I got them a few times after saying sorry I think we don't match...
    I didn't say anything bad or mean.
    This is so rude and hurtful!!!

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    • Some people are so mean :(
      I had guys messaging me with ratings, like "you're a 5/10 at best" for no reason at all.
      Sadly enough, I think some people get enjoyment out of being mean to others.
      However, it helps to know that there are nice people out there :)

    • Rating someone without being asked is just rude and very impolite. Why do they even do that? I mean, if I don't like the person, I don't even bother saying something along these lines. Anyway, they just cut their own karma. And yeah, this behavior helps to ditch out the losers :P

  • Love this take. Can relate to most of them. The only ones I have yet to experience and I hope I dont have to , is the random dic pics. Like ew, why even bother doing that so someone can reply with " is that your pinky toe?" 'LOL!

    I do reply to the ones that say "hey, whats up?" BUT only if they are attractive and their profile ( self summary and what not ) is as well. Which rarely happens since the two never allign. That is, the person who sends the "hey, whats up?" start actually having a profile of substance, or being able to even hold a conversation. Mann sometimes I feel like a guy because when I get those type of starters by attractive guys. My mind wants to engage soley to make them my one night stand and erase them lol. ( im kinda messed up I know -_- ) .

    Like another commenter stated, I've also build up my list of rules and guideline as went along my online dating journey ( only been like a month now ) and I one thing I always do is never respond to older men messages. Whether their starter message is to simply send a "sincere" compliment my way. I dont engage because that just opens up a storm of irritation, for them to send persistant, unsavory messages. I also dont post full body pics and in doing so, I have been able to not experience the random dic pics, lesson all the weird pervertish messages I recieve ( almost non-existant! ), and passive aggressive horny ones as well. Since there's no body parts showing to get hard about muahaha! I only post a natural head-shot and let nature run its course and its been working out really well. :D
    Last thing Ill note is that the guys who actually take time to read my pro and send a starter with something that piques their interest has 99% of the time proven to give more stimulating conversation. I always respond to those whether Im feeling them or not to show that I appreciate them taking the time to send a thoughtful starter. Who doesn't admire intellect. Meep. :3

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  • So crazy O. o

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  • I have done my share of online dating... I could probably write a book on it. I made some guidelines or what you would call rules for myself. I made them as I went along. I finally got a great man. Actually we reconnected online after 30 years. We went to high school together... but I went through a lot of frogs before I found my prince.

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  • I can relate to most of this! ! I have met one decent guy on online dating and even though he was very nice and a gentlemen his pics where very misleading! Anyway, nice take!

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  • I agree except for saying "hey"
    That is a perfectly acceptable way to start a conversation in real life. I met my boyfriend on OKcupid and he started with "hey"

    Lets be honest, women are going to reject men they don't find attractive regardless of their opening line. Men have to message tons of women to get a reply, and thinking of something specific to say to all of them is time consuming. If I'm interested, I'll read the profile

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    • Were you a dude in a past-life because I think this is the first time I've seen a girl actually acknowledge the realities of online dating for guys.

    • There's nothing wrong with just saying "hey" but statistically speaking, people who reply with more than just "hey" get more responses.

    • Maybe it is just me. I actually feel bad for guys having to put so much effort in. I'm sure most women don't understand what its like to have to make the first move all the time

  • Online dating sounds easier than offline dating, in truth, it's actually tougher. Dishonesty, catfishes, players, perverts, weirdos... why even bother?

    in my opinion, people who have online dating profiles are not trustable because they could be chatting with a stranger anytime anywhere.

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    • That is very true, and why it is very scary and risky for women. There are a lot of creeps and weirdos, but there are nice guys. Again, online dating is just a tool to meet people. You still need to use your common sense and better judgement.

  • This hits the nail on the head. Online dating has it all: the good, the bad and the ugly.

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  • - one guy actually sent me something like this "hey Christie, how are you?" My name is not Christie. Obviously a fail.

    - some creep posted a pic of a hot guy and said he's from Australia. We talked, and I kinda liked how we connected. Felt too good to be true, right? So I asked for a Skype talk. He said he couldn't that day. OK, then send me a voice message. In his message, he said "hello, dear..." I thought, fuck this is an Indian guy. No other English speaker uses the word dear anymore. Plus, he has no Australian accent whatsoever. His accent sounded slightly west Asian too. I questioned him about that, he denied it profusely and said he's a white boy. Then the day came and we skyped. I was very surprised and disappointed to see an old, balding, fat middle eastern man on my screen. Trying to be nice and smile took away my entire energy. I quickly said I'm tired, and with disgust shut the video. Yuck. Don't want to see him any second longer. I confronted him about the lies, he still said it was him in the pics. I thought could it be him when he was younger? No. The nose and mouth are wayyyy different. Gah. Goosebumps. Ew.

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    • lol that is hilarious! Sorry you had to deal with that. Online dating comes with a lot of trust issues because its so easy to be dishonest.

    • That is so gross! Definitely another bad side of online dating.

  • this is completely accurate. lol.

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    • Oh no, it is accurate. If you are hot.

    • @Giacomanzo wait so you're agreeing or not? Lol

    • Meh, I'm saying that all what she said is a plus, not a mandatory religious thing to follow. I used to do and still do basically all this "How to score on Dating Apps" articles say just out of common sense, and guess what? Never had a single date in months.
      Those things are what keep the conversation alive, but to get the first response, especially if you are a man (women get much more attentions on Dating systems) is to be very much hotter than average. That's all.

  • YES! So many creeps out there. That's why I got off online dating after a months, that plus some really bad dates!

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