Guys Losing Interest After Sex: Ladies, Wanna Know Why?

[lightbulb27]

Assuming that he was even considering a relationship...

The thrill of "the chase" and the fantasy of it is really good, like seeing the dessert tray before dinner!

Yum!

Anticipation of intimacy is the great buildup of tension and sex is the release of it. Trouble is, once you've had it, what is exposed is all the other relationship stuff and possibly that the sex was just ok. Realize you are competing against his dreams, fantasies, other girls, etc.. Relationship questions surface such as distance, her situation, difficult x husband and kids, stresses, financial, can this really work, etc.. I'm not talking about physical imperfection so much, but everything gets rolled up into... what do I do next? Do I keep this relationship or wait for another?

The problem is... his needs are now satisfied... the sex drive, a major thing that propelled him towards the female... is done (for the moment), so he's dealing with all the other stuff. And he may look at the whole thing in sum total and determine... I'm not sure, I just don't know, maybe, kinda?... Guys think about things and then stop thinking about it and move onto something else, especially if they can't reach a conclusion easily. Girls can't stop thinking about things like this and it spins round and round in their minds.

If it isn't a definite yes, then the answer is often a maybe or a no, which means it's gonna fall apart because the pursuit, effort, texting, etc.. drops off? This is where the girl, if she is interested, and they usually are because girls often are more bonded during sex, starts to freak and ask questions...why isn't he texting me (communicating)? Its been 6 hours and no word?

By releasing the tension on something that is the major bait for the guy, you are risking losing his interest if a relationship isn't established first because the release exposes other relevant questions which may kill the relationship... or dull it.

Realize there are other more important things valuable about you that draw him in and these being in place will help to keep him engaged in the relationship. Some examples are, he likes you as a person, you're fun, likes to be with you, you are helpful, just wonderful to be with, he sees woman in you, great with kids, can see a future with you, low stress, common interests, can learn from you or contribute to your life, you play together, emotionally healthy..he can handle you, you respect him, etc...

Before the sex, he can't really see the other stuff so well because the desire for you is so high...he's blinded. So you are supposed to take it slow, get to know each other, build romance, and discover those compatibility/incompatibility things and decide if this is gonna work... before mating bonding! If so, then it opens up the door for intimacy... because there is already a good chance you are moving towards LTR and sex is a compatibility issue (values system may determine when this is appropriate).

There's risks to mating before marriage as well as for waiting until marriage and you accept them as an adult in your relationship and figure out what is right for you.

[Stacyzee]

This is exactly why I never call or text after hooking up. I leave it to the guy. The fact that I'm not clingy afterwards is why I've never been given the cold shoulder.
I hold all the power by acting as if i equally dont care if thats the role he chooses by never contacting me.
How can he feel as if he played me, when I never let anything be known, for all he knows I could have played his ass and thoroughly thought about his characteristics after the chase.
I may want a man, but I damn sure don't need one and will not act desperate for his attention after some good D.

[lightbulb27]

right on! That sounds like a good approach!

[lilac_flowers]

Clever girl.

[SovereignessofVamps]

Really clever xD

[MargaritaPeach]

Works every time.

[Jager66]

meh.. no thanks. I prefer forming bonds with people who can be emotionally honest and vulnerable. There are plenty of people out there for whom this doesn't seem to be a priority, so you'll probably have lots of success getting those types with this strategy.

Also, the only time a guy will feel like he played you is if his goal was to fuck you and he got to do that. It has nothing to do with who texted who first or what ever...

[Stacyzee]

If you allow yourself to be vulnerable to each and every person that walks in your life , your heart will be trampled on. I open myself up eventually. No one pours their soul out immediately.
I like to be on the safe side of the fence , I know a great majority of men are like what the writer described.

[Jager66]

"If you allow yourself to be vulnerable to each and every person that walks in your life , your heart will be trampled on."

Nope, that's what boundaries are for.

"No one pours their soul out immediately."

That's not what I advocate people do, please at least try to not be totally ridiculous.

"I like to be on the safe side of the fence"

Safe =/= dishonest, power games.

"I know a great majority of men are like what the writer described."

Subjective experience and/or baseless generalization.

[Stacyzee]

You can debunk what I said , but fact is fact some men are jerks and will hit it and run.
To steer clear from pain or hurt I'll leave it up to the guy to contact me after sex , if he's worth it in due time I will make myself vulnerable

[Jager66]

Yeah some men are certainly as you describe.

I'm getting the impression that you don't like it when men behave like this, men who would play you or treat you like you don't matter, lead you on and hurt or disregard you?

If that's true then why play the games that will "catch" you that kind of guy,? Even if almost every guy is like that why would you want to settle for someone like that? Why would you have sex with someone you can't even be honest about wanting to explore the possibility of a relationship with?

I'm not judging, I just don't understand why you would do the very things that will catch you the kind of guy you don't want?

[Stacyzee]

The answer is pretty simple, I have physical needs. In a sense, I am making myself vulnerable because I am giving my body to them and trusting that if they have a unclean health status they will be upfront. However, just because my physical needs are chosen to be satisfied I don't want to get played for a fool. So during this very critical time, the guy is in test mode. When he shows he's not a slime ball by continuing to treat me as a lady after sex and contact me, only then will I open up and relax (be my complete self without dictating or thoroughly thinking about each and every move that is made)?

[Stacyzee]

I meant a period not a question mark at the end

[Poppykate]

@Jager66 this is excellent advice!. It involves getting to know a person first.

[DianeDuffus]

Well I must admit to you that I have heard through the grapevine some negative things about you and stupid me forms opinions without getting to know the person. With that said you presented one of the greatest best cakes I've ever seen here. People may judge you to be cold but that is incorrect. I do exactly suggest. It protects me psychologically and emotionally. Instead of being used I am using the guy. Sorry everybody I like sex. Shame on me I have screaming orgasms. I do not need to chase the guy is this another one coming. My father said guys are like buses, you do not run after one because there's always another one coming. If the guy wants to attempt an emotional relationship with me, he will call and I will appreciate his telephone call (not the weird texting crap). And that may be the start of a relationship. But my feelings aren't hurt my self-esteem is not damaged and my vagina is happy. You okay girl!

[DianeDuffus]

That was directed at Stacy Zeee. Sorry for the confusion but then again I'm confused

[Jager66]

If you're just after sex then why do you have to do this? I don't understand..

Like for me when all I want is sex there is no need to emotionally "protect" my self because my emotions are not involved, there is no risk of being hurt, it's for physical needs, as you put it, not emotional ones. It's like I wouldn't put walls up when getting my hair done so I also wouldn't put walls up when just getting sexual needs met. If I was considering a relationship then I would actually care a little about being rejected and would act accordingly.

Are you saying that you just feel very emotionally vulnerable every time you have sex and that you need some kind of defense to protect you from being hurt while that emotionally vulnerable?

[lilac_flowers]

@Jager66 Why are you men so purposely delusional? No woman wants just sex. Even if she does, after sex she doesn't... in 99% of the cases.
I suppose you have to lie to yourself women can detach like you can, so you wouldn't feel guilty taking her to your bed without commitment...

She doesn't call because her heart is so easily stripped bare after sleeping with you. No matter how emotionally uninvested, she WILL care if she prolongs this and it is vital that she remains in control of the situation.

[lightbulb27]

@lilac_flowers Because we are all naturally selfish people (male and female). It takes work to see things from the others viewpoint and respect them, communicate with them, and put our own needs aside.
There are many differences in how we are wired emotionally and what happens chemically (I suspect) so if we walk around with "I want my needs met", others can get hurt. It goes both ways though... see this site, men get hurt when women shoot them down or don't commit, or cheat, etc.. Men do bond, but not the same it appears or in the same way.

[lilac_flowers]

Oh by all means, men who emotionally invest do get hurt just like women. I don't ignore, or dispute it at all.

But I was annoyed by him saying: "If you're just after sex then why do you have to do this? I don't understand..".

Even if men do get hurt in other situations, in this one (FWB), it is always the woman getting hurt... To ask this question is to play dumb and shift all the blame on women for not being like men.

And people who shift all the blame on the person "being used", are usually users.

And just like I would hate a chick using some guy she friend zoned to be her lapdog and then playing dumb and blaming HIM ALONE for getting hurt...
I will hate the guy bedding lots of women and then playing dumb, blaming them alone for not being like men, like they are supposed to be.

I don't discriminate in cunt bashing. Cunts are everywhere. :O

[Jager66]

@lilac_flowers "Why are you men so purposely delusional?" Chill, perhaps take notice that I am asking a lot of questions and have stated that I don't understand.

I still don't get why have casual sex if it leaves you that vulnerable? It seems to me these games to protect your self are just illusions and you would probably end up hurt anyway?

I'm also not saying men detach for casual sex, though some may do that. I know I can be very present, even feel genuine intimacy, but still not be emotionally hurt when there is nothing but the sex.

I'm really liking this conversation because I'm gaining more perspective on the issue, please don't misinterpret me as being callus or what have you.

@lightbulb27 I agree.

[lilac_flowers]

@jager66 alright. If you say you were really speaking from a perspective of asking women why they would go and get hurt, instead of facing themselves, (and not shifting blame) then I get it, I misunderstood.

[Anonymous]

any guy who wants to use a woman for sex im sorry is an asshole, women are very delicate and sensitive and what he's doing is preventing a nice decent bloke from having a long lasting relationship what that woman all cause he wanted some action? where does that leave the woman if she's fallen for him a complete mess! guys think about these girls you're playing to get into bed! and the guys that have to stand back in the friend zone to pick up the pieces! if you want some sex find a hooker! stop playing on innocent nice women, who are more marriage material then 1 night stand

[lightbulb27]

I hear ya. There are plenty of those. But there are other guys who get pulled in (it goes both directions), nature takes over, but the result is the same.
Realize it is all clouded even more by the women playing the games as well. People done have labels, so hard to tell who is who. Its a mess out there... honesty is best policy.

[BubbleBoy69]

You really want to be that cuck that has to deal with the mess afterwards?

[Azara]

No. No way. I don't have interest in sex quickly however I don't want a guy who doesn't have the frame of mind if reason to decide to get to know me further because he wants to not just bc we have or have not had sex. I really could care less if a guy lost interest after sex because that shows the kind of person he is. He's indecisive flimsy wushu washy no resume who heeded it. He can go wonder if he wants Mary Jane Phyllis Alexandria beautrice whomever. I don't want him.

Life's too short to try to out smart someone who can't even use his own brain properly - like the guy in your example- pass.

Also they're no truth behind women soon things and men move on. Depends on what kind of person you're dealing with and how Koch the matter at hand matters to said person. Most research in knives spinning things endlessly until you figure it out. Same with investigations writing books practicing law... Anything that requires brain power is going to have a lot of spin. If you work hard that is. So again if the guy can't be bothered to stay in place long enough to figure it out it just means he doesn't care. Things that can't be answered ate the things you don't question, the two go together. So the paradigm if women questioning and Men moving on when things can't be answered falls a bit short of a full human being.

For me I take about a year to get to a point in conditavke having sex. Not bc on trying to manipulate him or bc I want to make sure he's attached bit bc sex is personal and dangerous and I have to trust a guy for the sex itself not for the afterwards. But if I did want sex right away if gave sex right away and if that makes him lose interest then he just wasn't interested to begin with. And that's OK. I accept. Not everyone has to want a relationship. No reason to look for problems where none exist.

I think a lot of people don't get that. Wen things go wrong they can't just accept two people wanted different things. It's a control freak who has to blame everything in what they did wrong instead of just accepting they didn't want the same thing.

I think your approach is too obsessive and not accepting of life. People meet sometimes it lasts sometimes it doesn't and when it doesn't move on.

This is also why I don't think anyone should ever wait for someone to approach or call. Pointless questions happen when a person has no control. If they took initiative made a move they'd have an answer.

Nothing that can't be solved by communicating. :-)

[lightbulb27]

your smart for 24, and possibly more mature than most, wish we could talk it out, but I get the gist. You stated what I was saying, take time and get to know... dont' rush physical, build other areas.

Communicating is key, I agree.

[Azara]

Thank you.

Just to be clear I 100% think using sexy to guarantee a relationship is as foolish as withholding it to guarantee a relationship. I don't really disagree with anything you said. I think people use sex on unhealthy ways on both sides to manipulate others. Fast sex is ok if that's what you really want and waiting is fine if you really need to wait. The manipulation us time consuming and usually futile bc people manipulate based on their i. e. Inclinations not on others.

It'd be great if people took themselves and each other seriously and were honest.. I' M so curious to see what the world would look like under those circumstances. Though I guess in the short run its too tempting to cater to cowardice and power hunger.

I think separate from the personal opinion details, the overall message makes perfect sense. If you want a person to know you and make clear decisions based on that then get to know them... Unfortunately people act against their self interest. Constantly.

[lightbulb27]

you are wise for your age. Totally agree about the before and after marriage comment.

Honesty would make a huge improvement in male/female relationship. I do think there is a challenge, as noted below by another guy, people are inexperienced, confused, and emotionally off all too much, and they don't know... I find women don't know what honest is... as they don't know what they think or feel, true for guys as well.

That's why I think counseling for couples should be mandatory:) I want to see that happen.

[kat_gran]

Hmmm... I am not sure and I don't know what to say about this MyTake, because, true, while I agree on some points such as you SHOULD get to know someone FIRST before committing to a relationship... WHY MUST I USE SEX TO GET A RELATIONSHIP? I am sorry but that is just ridiculous and it shows how dumb you really are as a person (men).

And the more foolish you are, the easier you get trapped in this cycle... I am sorry but I am not trying NOR do I ever want to fool someone to be with me... I want you to see the REAL DEAL, THE REAL ME - who I am good AND BAD... and that includes sex because that is part of ANY HEALTHY relationship!

A man who starts to lose interest after sex is really then a stupid person and this is because:
1) If you have sex with a woman, you ALREADY know how she is in bed, (more or less), because even after the first or second time maybe things didn't go smooth and can go better, so unless you had let's say AT LEAST 5xs sexual experiences with a woman, YOU can't FULLY TELL whether she is good in bed! Some women are the same throughout, some are very different, so unless you have 5x sexual experience with a woman, you cannot judge if it is good sex/bad sex or whether she really and truly is good in bed or things can still change/spice up! Maybe she wasn't so comfortable first few times. So 5xs you need.

2) IF you have sex with a woman, you ALREADY got rid of all those 'head blocks' and 'cloud judgment' that you get before you've had sex (all that fantasizing that IS NEVER real)... Therefore, you are actually MORE ACUTELY AWARE and BETTER ABLE to judge a woman for HER CHARACTER and who she is as a person... making you better able to assess whether she is a even a good compatible match for you & WHETHER YOU EVEN LIKE HER AS A PERSON!
How many people do not get into a relationship ONLY TO THEN find out who they really are dating after all? After the veil comes down you get to see who she really is, the claws come out, the neediness, the bitchiness, the silent treatments, the control issues, the feistiness, the whole other side and then you end up thinking... WTF and WHO the effff did I just get involved with and who is this persona and WHERE is the person I was dating? And why is the sex soo bad? (IF you opt to have sex for AFTER marriage or whatever)...
So I am sorry, but NOT having sex early on is just DUMB because you get into a relationship blindly. She is seducing you and IS using SEX to get that.

[kat_gran]

AND you are being SOOO foolish AND STUPID to fall for it.
If you have sex with a woman from early on, you can then say: HEY, here is a woman WHO IS SEXUALLY ACTIVE (!) meaning SHE IS OPEN TO HAVING SEX... Unlike women who are NOT being open to having sex with you AND if she is NOT having sex with you now... Honey, I GUARANTEEE YOUUUU she will NOTTTT be having MUCH SEX WITH YOU AFTERWARDS either! That just means she isn't open or as interested in having sex with YOU or WITH ANYONE for that matter - otherwise SHE WOULD BE DOING IT. Therefore, let go of your fantasies of wanting to have sex with the woman 1-2xs a day because all you will be getting is 1-2x a month or maybe EVERY 2 months... AKA, your sex dreams are being crushed AFTER you committed - for BEING A FOOL.

4) So you end up settling because you invested soooo much time and energy only to find out that you both are really and truly NOT compatible but were too busy having fantasies and dreams in your head about what

[kat_gran]

the situation would be like - which reality is nothing like you expected. It's like buying a box with a cake without knowing what cake is inside OR WHETHER there is EVEN A CAKE INSIDE... WHO DOES THAT? (Ok, if you are religious and don't want to have sex then you end up with someone the same and both of you have no knowledge of what you're doing so Hopefully you can learn together and grow but if that's not the case... uhh sorry but you're in for a BAD surprise)

Having that said, unless you REALLY and I mean REALLY LOVE THAT WOMAN and have known her forever and who she really is as a person and want to wait to have sex, cool... But if you're a person who wants sex and wants your partner to be equally open to having sex, losing interest after you had sex is like: *Tap on the forehead* Here is a woman who is the same as you and IS OPEN and willing to get to know you BUT you want to start the race ONCE again just to have sex again... lol when you could just be having it with her

[kat_gran]

or another woman and actually see whether that woman is suitable for you and your lifestyle... Rather than letting sex be the guide to make you commit to then find out that this is nothing of what you wanted and you were being led on with false pretenses...

I never noticed or realized this before when I was younger, but now I know.. if a man does not want to get to know me AFTER we had sex, then he is just a dumb man... Because if I am having sex with you, it means I am a sexual being JUST as you are and I am not fooling nor using sex to get you to commit to me.. but for us to connect or have fun or have sexual pleasure. Soo if you want to go and start at the race again just for a chase, go ahead... you probably aren't worth my time anyway and ALL you are truly after is sex in which either case you'll never end up satisfied with anyone! Because you'll be too busy 4EVER chasing!
I want someone to be as sexually interested & personally interested in me AS I am in them
Jump IN or OUT

[kat_gran]

Having that said, here is the rule of "FUCK YES or FUCK NO".

There are people who are or would be Literally READY and wanting to jump f*ck your bonesss and say HECK YES TO YOU... And if you aren't willing to say FUCK YEA to me then sorry, but I will not be saying Fuck yea to you either...

Those are the BEST SEX and RELATIONSHIPS... When BOTH partners are willing to "FUCK YES" with each other.. And if you're not with me... then you're NOT the one compatible or suitable for me... in which either way, good you got out of my way! ;-)

https://markmanson.net/fuck-yes

[lightbulb27]

You made some good points.. this is where I wish we had a "voice" forum to discuss these issues, as writing endlessly is harder than talking.

I wrote a lot of reasons of why you should have sex before married. In many cases, I agree with you (and I'm a Christian and get the message... and Bible that says don't do that... and I know why). But your point is valid that it is a major area of compatibility and I've seen marriages suffer and divorce because of it.

As to "when" to have sex, I'm not clear on your answer. Let me reverse this... do you tihnk the relationship should be founded upon, or start based upon sex? I'm talking here about at least one person, primairly the female going into this wanting a LTR. Are you saying start with sex because there is so much hidden behind that curtain that you need to open the kimono and see whats going on? If you are saying that, then mytake is telling you why that is a bad idea. I'd like to believe it will work, as a guy...

[lightbulb27]

but I see a lot of evidence on this form from girls where they give (and we all know you girls want that intimacy as well), and then get hurt. It happens where guys get hurt as well, but I'm simply saying I see a lot of texts from girls getting hurt going too fast. This is a general answer as to what is going on in the guys head and why it helps to take a measured pace. If you saw an awsome chocolate cake on the counter, you wouldn't jam it inyour mouth or your friends. You'd take a slice of it, and share it over time... better that way... right?

[kat_gran]

Exactly my point, you TRY OUT the cake first before buying it. You don't buy the cake and then hope that it tastes good without having any samples first. Don't mind me, some people will blindly buy the cake and may end up happy with it and others will be disappointed that it was not what they were expecting.
I am not saying that you should build a relationship based off on sex... I am saying SEX, just like ANY OTHER QUALITY - such as Are you a respectful and good human being or are you a nice person? Or are you fun? Should have equal level and playing field as the other factors being taken into consideration to have a relationship. No relationship survives off of sex alone, just as any relationship is not created or based of one thing only. A Mixture of several things allow you to decide whether to pursue further or not. Sex is one of them!
And men who 'once they had sex' decide not to pursue a woman or further things further because 'he had it' is stupid and shows how dumb a man

[kat_gran]

how dumb a man really is. Because you are letting your urge for sex be the decider of whether you enter a relationship with a woman or not. You are willing to date her, court her and do alllll these other things just to get in her pants AND WHEN you do- you don’t want anything anymore?
What does that say about YOU as a person?
As to “when” a person or 2 people should have sex is UP to them…. It is like kissing. WHO says when should you kiss? Once upon a time, everyone thought: “ohhhh, if you want to keep a guy, you shouldn’t kiss him on the first date”… Now, it’s “ohhhh, if you have sex with a guy on a first date, you won’t keep him”… I am sorry but that is suchhhh nonsense and if you want to kiss a person that you want to kiss – YOU SHOULD kiss that person (if that person is equally enthusiastic about kissing you!)
You kiss a person because you feel attracted and equally comfortable to share a kiss or have sex with them… You have it when you feel “ready” or “ok” to do it with that

[kat_gran]

to do it with that person. Some people experience it on date 1- an extreme good connection with someone, some do it on date 10, some never! Soo WHO is to say that you SHOULD or you SHOULDN’T sleep with someone or kiss them because then they won’t be interested in you?
Are you REALLY not interested in a woman BECAUSE she has slept with you? Or is it because you were NEVER REALLY interested in getting to know her (therefore you were ONLY CHASING THE SEX) or because she got TOOO clingy and annoying and constantly messaging you not giving you space and time to breath? I HIGHLY doubt that it was because you two had sex. There were a whole lot of other reasons WHY you aren’t interested in her … Either SHE changed or YOU were only after the sex! (But were not honest with yourself AND WITH HER about your intentions). In either way, IF you were and had to wait for a long time to have sex with her, now you got so committed that you ‘feel guilty’ just ditching it off.. And those who don’t are

[kat_gran]

And those who don’t are then the asses who only use women… But these women “held off” and “waited to have sex” YET he still isn’t and WASN’T interested in you…. So what then? So I am sorry but I totally disagree with the losing interest after sex.. Sometimes, I really believe some men are so dumb that they don’t even realize WHY they do the things that they do… They are simple minded and don’t care to think – and when they do, it’s because they really care about something – or someone.
A man who is truly interested in getting to know who you are as a person will NOT just ditch you after sex… He LIKES YOU. He likes who you are... He thinks you are a great person. Sex will not change that – it will either only strengthen that bond or show you that HE WAS NOT as interested as he came off to be – he only wanted sex – NOT you. And some people – some men- are abusers of that and WILL USE WOMEN to get what they want … They prey on the weak, emotionally unstable women who can’t

[kat_gran]

who can’t say no (OR who are looking to fill in a void) to GET the sex and then when they are done chasing the sex – will dump you off… but that is just like any other person who is an abuser and selfish and Opportunistic and USES YOU TO GET what they want! And it is not only for sex, YOU SEE IT IN THE WORKPLACE, AT SCHOOL, IN LIFE – so it can be just like any other situation that’s applicable to everyday life! Those who know better will see through their intentions and WILL KNOW NOT TO HAVE SEX WITH THAT MAN or associate with him BECAUSE HE IS A C*NT (excuse my language). SO IT IS NOTTTT because of the sex – IT IS BECAUSE OF THE PERSON!! (and I am almost certain that all those women who are on GAG about they give it too fast just gave it to the WRONG person.)

[kat_gran]

A man who genuinely likes you will continue to like you – and if that is not the case – then that man does not genuinely like you. Sex is the ‘awakener’ that shows you the true intentions of people… especially for THOSE who cannot see them beforehand.
And I am NOT saying yes: you should start with sex... but maybe if people weren’t sooo sexually deprived, they could and would then actually just be more normal and healthy towards each other and see sex for what it is – a pleasurable act, like getting a massage.
To be honest, I believe that sex has been WAYYY too idealized that we think it or believe it to be the ultimate goal, rather than an act that we all do – like kissing… We put the meaning behind it and when we do that, we ‘idolize’ the act rather than see it for what it is… A pleasurable moment that releases stress. So it’s not the act itself but the meaning and thoughts and feelings we have or PUT behind that act.

[kat_gran]

Just like giving a flower to someone is a symbol of … “whatever you choose for that to mean”… but all you are doing is giving a flower – maybe you want to get rid of the flower, maybe you don’t like flowers, maybe you thought about that person… Everyone sees it differently and when that other person does not see it the same way WHY you gave him/her a flower, they make their own interpretation based on their own feelings and understanding of ‘giving flowers’.
For some people, sex is just that – sex, for others, it is intimacy, for others, it is fun, for others it is pleasure seeking. And when you have 2 people who connect to do an act but have different meanings behind that act – you get misunderstandings and different meanings of the act and then end up hurt… but it is NOT the act that was the problem … It is that those 2 people had different definitions of what they were doing and then one ended up hurt because it was not what they signed up for. So what is the problem here?

[kat_gran]

NOT COMMUNICATING what it is you wanted/looked for.
There is nothing wrong with eating the whole cake if you want to, but make sure that if you do, others know that as well… and then THEY MAKE A CHOICE whether to participate or not or allow you to… Don’t lie or fool others or bring them in under false pretenses. People USE sex as a tactic to get what they want and some use other tools to get SEX since that is what they want. Sex is NOT the problem… The problem is 2 incompatible people who are NOT seeing eye to eye on what they want from sex.
And if you have sex on the first date and it is great and you both have a great time, you meet again and if it goes wrong you don’t… But sometimes 1-2 dates or sex acts are not enough to really see where to go further – just as 1-2 dates are not enough to get to know someone. EVERYTHING takes time to know – people, sex, relationships… Why treat sex any differently?

[kat_gran]

There is no best way to eat the cake. You find someone who wants exactly what you want and then together you either the cake in one round or spread it out over time.
Conclusion: FIND SOMEONE WHO IS COMPATIBLE TO WHAT YOU WANT- and THAT INCLUDES BEING SEXUALLY COMPATIBLE… The sooner you realize this, the better things will go.

[redeyemindtricks]

Ahahah nope

"He just wanted to hit it and quit it" Uh, no, that's not how normal people work, when things are actually GOOD.

Lol

If a boy does this, then, at least one of the following is happening:

1)
THE SEX SUCKED

Self-explanatory.

Girls don't want to admit that this could be a thing... but... this could be a thing.

2)
SOMETHING ABOUT THE GIRL TRIGGERED A WEIRD HANG-UP

Who the hell knows.
Totally random here... mb she sounds just like his psycho ex when she cums.
Mb he just can't stand how her pussy smells.
Mb it's just something about the way he and she move together (some people are just bad dance partners for each other, too -- nothing against them individually).
Again, who the hell knows.
If it's this one, HE might not even know. Might be totally subconscious.
... And if it's something like "yr pussy smells bad", well, good luck getting him to tell her that. This is one situation where men AREN'T assholes, however much it might actually be beneficial for them to actually BE assholes in this particular instance.

... or, by far the most common:
3)
HE GOT A "CLINGY" VIBE

Really, if nothing else seemed wrong, this is probably it.
Again, who the fuck knows why or how -- again, HE might not even know. Mb the girl was too kissy. Mb too many calls/texts, mb too many words of whatever kind.
Mb too much eye contact (this is a big thing with some boys I know).
Mb she wrapped her legs all the way around him when he was about to cum, and THAT freaked him the fuck out (yep, this is a thing).

But, I swears to ya, "he just hits it and quits it" is pretty much a mythical beast. If the sex really was bed-breakin'-awesome -- AND the guy really thought it was relaxed in the commitment department -- who the hell you kidding? OF COURSE he'd come back for more!
Let's get real here y'all.

[Darkone1]

No, he is actually right mam. I think you should notice your B. f after the sex and you will find him pondering about other girls.

[lightbulb27]

It depends on the guy, so maybe. But this behavior is happening to guys and I see the girls out here posting over and over... why he won't contact me, reply, etc.. This is an explanation, not the only one.
Now if a guy concludes that was incredible sex, she is really hot an wants more and doesn't have other options, sure he'll be back. but doesn't mean he'll be back for long or that he wants LTR. So the girl, who is thinking... YES... he's back, he must desire me and want me (I so want a LTR), she's gonna get hurt down the road if the other things aren't being worked on.
It all comes down to communication... expectations... being clear of intent?

[redeyemindtricks]

I mean, if she goes LTR-mode too fast, that's kinda what I'm getting at with point #3 though

[ManOnFire]

@redeymindtricks Now THIS I can agree with you on.

[SovereignessofVamps]

Yep, completely agree with this.

[Rocket_Queen]

Lolololol... oh how I have missed your hilarious but true responses

[vishna]

I've never had a guy dump me because he didn't think it (the relationship) was worth it, even in my current relationship (when sex happened after only a month or two of actual *talking*) but I think this is REALLY dependent on the man.

My boyfriend wanted me and we talked for hours for weeks, really getting to know each other, and spilling out our guts, before we finally had sex. That will be 2 years in August. Still, even though we had known each other for a while, about a month of talking is pretty short.

And I had a friend who had sex on the first date/physical meet-up and they dated for about a year until she ended the relationship. In that case as well, he was VERY into her before they had sex.

I think each guy is an individual and they are complicated, so, it's hard to guess what each man will do exactly. However, I think it's possible to make really good guesses.

Also, I think MOST guys who hit it and dump it, were planning on doing that in the first place. And in those cases, women just have to be smart and not fall for any smoothing talking pretty boy.

I think the guy in your example has every right to leave, but it would seem like he does these things all the time. "I don't know if I want to be in a relationship with her. But ooh sex, yes, please. No, it's not going to work out... bye."

[lightbulb27]

I guess the underlying question is... does working on other aspects of relationship.. help build a better foundation to last longer or reduce the amount of pain. I'm theorizing it does. Would you agree based upon what you know (at age 21)? Or do you think, it doesn't help and sex is essential in the mix, based upon his/her desires? it may be very individual, but I suspect it is quite general to most people.

[vishna]

I think getting to know someone is always a better option than sex on the first encounter. However, I think it can work more times than we think, however, a woman has to be smart enough to not put out for the right guy. And in my experience, it's really not that hard to discern between the sincerly/seriously interested guys and the ones who are on the fence.
My final thoughts, people should be smart regarding their hearts. Don't make yourself an easy target to get heart broken.

[krash2002]

My wife fell into the habit of letting exactly what you said happen. Before me, she would sleep with guys within the first few weeks, and then they left shortly after.

When I met her, she was a little more distant, but still was able to engage into deep, meaningful, and transparent conversations about herself. Even though she had been hurt many times in the past. She made me wait for about 2 of going on dates before we had sex. This gave me time to get to know her, enjoy her, and to truly understand what she was all about. After that, we started a LTR, became serious, got engaged, moved in together, and have now been happily married for a little over 3 years.

All it takes is for someone to not allow their confidence to become the over or under used emotional barrier that we sometime's set aside or build up. Confidence can be your best friend or your worse enemy, but no matter how much we try to remove it from our daily lives. Confidence will always be that voice on your shoulder whispering in your ear. Try to build it up into a healthy manner and you'll experience a better part of this life.

[lightbulb27]

YES! I think you are describing "self esteem". I'm surprised your wife was able to get past so many without being too emotionally shut down. Glad to hear of a success story and it sounds like you really love her as a person.

As well, there was sex early on and it worked out, so that is good news! you meant wait 2 dates or 2 years?

[krash2002]

Sorry, I see my typo there. My apologies. I meant to say 2 months.

[krash2002]

Yes, Self Esteem would be the perfect depiction for what I was describing.
It took a while for her to get over her past. She's a beautiful, intelligent, and elegant woman that I admire and have done so since we first started dating. However, it took almost a good full year for her to finally realize that she's actually truly worth what she is and to allow herself to believe it. And you're absolutely right about me loving her as a person. That right there is what I think needed to happen in order for her to get out of her vortex of perpetual self doubt. Sadly, I've seen this happen to an incredible amount of women, and it's sadly due to selfish manner so many live in. Also, it's perhaps a parent thing as well. Parents need to prepare their kids for the worst, and best scenarios of dating. Let them know what to not do, and what to do. I cannot tell you how many girls I met in college thought me buying them dinner would mean they had to put out. Anywho, excuse my rant. Liked your Mytake

[Sara413]

There are three types of guys:

1. Those who judge women for sleeping with them too early.
2. Those who get angry because women tease them too long.
3. Those who respect women as people, respect their choices, and determine their attraction to them based on who they are as a person.

Only the third type is worth our time and effort. I've had guys lose interest after I slept with him "too soon". I've had guys lose interest because I didn't sleep with him right away. My boyfriend was interested in me for who I am as a person and, whaddya know, literally nothing changed when we had sex on date number 5.

[SovereignessofVamps]

Agree <3

[whitarkness]

@SovereignessofVamps And only girls who slept with the first two types of guys will eventually get the third type and can't get there without been slept by guys who do not actually love them.

[SovereignessofVamps]

@whitarkness So? All my bfs slept with shitty girls too. We just swap funny stories about that stuff.

[Sara413]

@SovereignessofVamps haha right?

[lightbulb27]

@SovereignessofVamps great perspective!. that speaks to maturity and real interest (love for) you.
I wonder though if damage is done perception on 3 if the girl has too many partners... e. g. have guys evolved enough in the new libration of women where they are very active with different guys... I believe in the past, guys would frown on a LTR if the girl was a lot of guys. It can be a turnoff. As girls are getting more active, at younger ages, I wonder if guys are evolving their perspective. I not know yet...

[Sara413]

Type number 3 don't ask about our past because they don't give a fuck.

[lightbulb27]

That's actually one of the greatest concepts and I embrace it. I don't judge the girl by it, but it may be relavent to if I can handle her... where she is at. I learned my lesson with my last girlfriend... I explore where she is at, not necessarily what she's been through. e. g. gotta believe I can handle her cause she comes with baggage... Ditto in reverse...

[whitarkness]

Thats right but I just wondering why girls do not find type 3 in the first place instead they wonder about type 1 and 2 and get hurt.

[Sara413]

@whitarkness because guys don't have a flashing neon sign on their foreheads telling us which type they are...

[SovereignessofVamps]

@whitarkness because guys are all different. Lots of passive guys can have the most issues, and have pent up anger... it's not just the loud party guys who act mean.

[MargaritaPeach]

You're a smart woman.

[whitarkness]

I guess guys who do not seek gratifications are the type 3 guys who no matter what you do with them, won't feel boring with. Type 12 will just want to get everything out from you as soon as possible and counting the relationship on the benefits that you can provide them. It is not about a man whether he is proactive or passive but proactivity might prove that he is just playing with you

[whitarkness]

@SovereignessofVamps Agree but those are passive people with issues only = =

[missnic825]

What you say makes perfect sense, that he will then look at what else you have to offer once the sexual urge has been sated. I think you're right that you want to make sure he's had a chance to see other appealing things about you and what you could bring to his life before engaging in sex. I've heard guys sometimes also lose interest in a woman after sex based on how she acts afterward, like that some women start acting really insecure after (because they are more invested / bonded after sex like you said), and depending on what all she does with her insecurity, she can sometimes ironically repel a guy because of her insecurities / fear of him leaving.

[lightbulb27]

Yes, it sturs the emotional "pot" quite a bit. I believe the guy actually gets a dose of "estrogen" and loses "testosterone", so in effect... he becomes weaker for a while... e. g. more vulnerable himself. I need to study upon that...

[missnic825]

You're right, I've read that myself. The man's instinct is to go be alone for a while to replenish his testosterone levels.

[Anonymous]

I always thought it was the guy realizing "Holy shit, I don't even know this chick and now she wants stuff from me!" that freaked guys out. Which is legit. Sex doesn't mean the two of you know each other... But hanging out minus sex doesn't either, if the pair aren't seeing each other realistically.

I don't think sex with people you don't know is a good way to get a relationship - but if he's only spending time hoping to one day get sex while zoning out the reality of her personality (or vice versa) ... the relationship is screwed no matter how long they wait.

You even see this in marriage - while the couple is feeling "in love" the ignore fundamental incompatibilities thinking it'll all magically work out. That chemical high wears off and they actually don't like the real person they were so infatuated with before.

[Opinion Owner]

The takeaway, to me, is to ditch the fairy tale and be real. How much do the two of you really work if nothing ever changes in your situations or even gets worse. Don't dream big dreams about "what if..." or "this could..."

[lightbulb27]

Not clear on the first comment what that meant.

A very mature comment, well said and true... zoning out and if he's just buying time for sex.
like your thoughts, follow me as I need to follow you.

[lightbulb27]

sorry if that broke your heart? don't want to stop dreams, but slow them down for sure. In this environment, its a mess.

[Opinion Owner]

I don't think I understand what you mean?

[lightbulb27]

I thought you may have taking it hard as in I give up on something. Don't "over read" into what I wrote. You can dream big dreams, I'm just saying manage things a bit for better results. I haven't touched on love in this mytake so much and how he may be totally "into" and feel love from the first moment, not just sex.

[Dim_121]

Great my take. I have seen that happen with several of my college friends. There is a big reason why you should wait until your married before having sex. This also applies to women who wear skimpy clothing.- yea I have seen most of your chest, legs, belly... You don't really have any mystery for me physically owell bye. Now you take a modest woman who knows how to dress in order to show off her figure underneath her clothing and you have a great mystery on your hands. or a good meal with just a hint of the awesome dessert afterwards.

[lightbulb27]

Great point! I agree, modest is actually MORE attractive much of the time.

[Dim_121]

: o) Yay someone agreed and I did not get trolled from my answer.

[lightbulb27]

clarification, I agree with most of it. the part of wait til married, I think is based upon relationship. In general I think that's a good concept, but adults need to make decision what is best. I've seen relationships fail because of inability to get to sex. not that sex was the issue itslelf (it can be), it was that there were other problems that blocked the sex, and then there is no relationship worth having... just stress... no outlet. So its a key thing, needs to work well. there may be other ways to ensure compatibility, but I don't know them.
TY.

[Dim_121]

Still it is fairly unusual for people to agree with even some of my oldfasioned/backwards thinking opinoins.

[Shorty1991]

I believe women can be the same. I prefer to get to know a guy better and see if we are compatible first before I jump into bed with him. If I really like him and he's shit in bed, I don't care. We can practice. If he isn't on the same wavelength as me and we don't get on well. . . I won't let it get as far a sex. I've had friends with benefits offers from male aquintances. I refused them. Also a previous friend wanted me to be his rebound girl. . . I turned that down too. If that's the mind set they are in from the start you can normally tell, (some of them use sexuall innuendos and claim it was a joke but its what they want). if not by what they say, by their actions. The most intimate I have been is kissing and cuddling.

[lightbulb27]

You are probably wise to shoot those down, as they are immature. They need to accept you where you are. I was going to say... you may be able to deny the offer, but counter it and develop the boy into a man... but that's a project. Good you have boundaries!

[Shorty1991]

Yeah I know I made the right decisions at the time, if I had went along with it all, I would have ended up broken hearted and just felt so used. Thank got im sensible when required. Hahaha! Damn right that would be a project on it's own. Sometimes, no matter what you do to tame them. A leopard will never change its spots.

[lightbulb27]

I think you're gonna be just fine. My guess, you had a good parents, at least dad. yes?

[Shorty1991]

Yes, I get my common sense from mum. My dad I don't get on well with anymore, he's changed.

[90Someone09]

I am 25 years old and have never been intimate with anyone.. ever. I have been in a few relationships, but there was one in particular where all he wanted was to get intimate and it didn't last long. Or at least it seemed that way, because the minute I said no and I'm not doing this now... he kept his distance and figured we should just stay as friends. I'm engaged now, and we are waiting till we get married. We have been with each other for four years right now. Sure there are times when I felt like I wanted to break things up because of different reasons, but to be honest I don't feel bored. Nor does he. I can feel that we both have that deep need of being around each other. I'm not saying it was easy, because I do love him and it's crossed my mind every single night. Right now, I'm happy I waited because it proves our love is not just a physical attraction, but way way deeper. You make a great point!

[lightbulb27]

Great job! 4 years is a long time to wait. I did that myself. Thank you for sharing.
Marriage plans?

[90Someone09]

Yes! This July :)

[lightbulb27]

Awsome! Congratulations on doing this so well! Wish you both the best!

[90Someone09]

Thanks! I'm excited but also stressed out, but I am so happy with how things worked out

[Bandit74]

Realistically I know most girls have blown and or had sex with guys by the third date or sooner. At least on on or two occasions. So Im really not into the "chase" especially when I know other guys got to skip right to the finish line. I would rather be one of the guys they are excited to sleep with over the guy they want to take things slow with.

I only like the idea of the cgase if I am getting a girl who is genuinely hard to get, someone who has a low partner count and made them wait just as long. Those girls are rare tho, rarely are they 100% consistent. So I would definitely prefer a girl who is just upfront and shows she is excited to have sex with me. I dont want a girl who was so excited to sleep with her previous partner that she was ripping their clothes off after just meeting them but then take 2 months to show any sexual desire towards me. It just kills my motivation to chase.

I would rather stay single.

[lightbulb27]

You make sense in what you are saying. But from a girls viewpoint, lets say she wants a LTR with you. How does she do it, whats her bait, how does she play you to win you for 40yrs and 3 kids? Sounds not possible, but offering up sex on date 3 isn't gonna work right?

As I hear you I hear what you are saying as... if she is high value, she's saved herself and values herself, then YOU value her more. You still want her and will go after her, but that is a chase... and maybe she can catch you if she plays her cards right?

[Bandit74]

Well if after having having sex with her I realize she has positive attribute of her personality that would be difficult to find in an equally attractive girl then that could be the bait that keeps me interested. Also if the sex is really good.

I guess that is kinda what I am saying. I do value it more if I feel like the girl has a lower partner count and that I am one of a select few who got to have sex with her. That would motivate me to chase. However if I think she's had casual sex before then my motivation to chase is greatly diminished and I prefer she acts the same way with me.

[lightbulb27]

Wish there was a way to promote your last comment. yes, sounds like she creates her own feeding frenzy to me if she's too available. This is why when I see girls say... I'm just doing hookups now, but later I want a relationship... I think they are creating problems for themselves... to some degree. if they are off the charts attractive, then not as much an issue.

[Bandit74]

Well they only create problems if guys know they had hookups. Like if a guy knows a girl has put out by the third date for a bunch of guys it is unlikely her will stick around and wait over a month. However if he has no idea or doesn't see her as that type of girl then she is in the clear.

"if they are off the charts attractive, then not as much an issue.

True, many guys are willing to overlook things in really attractive girls that they wouldn't overlook in average looking girls.

[BubbleBoy69]

You can't differentiate the good girls from the sluts. Sluts when they want relationships always put on the mask of a good girl and become prudes for the guy they want. So many guys think their current girlfriend with them is a "good girl" who doesn't sleep around, and not realizing this girl was doing drugs, getting fucked by guys at clubs 3 years back.

[lightbulb27]

@BubbleBoy69 I think one can tell the difference, they can't mask their emotions that well... look for emotional balance in public and private. But I would largely accept that girls are sexual creatures (they want intimacy and to be desired), and they will as weve seen, play it all wrong to get that, and get hurt. How to do it better is a topic for another discussion.

[BubbleBoy69]

Do I mytake about emotional imbalance of sluts. i want to see it.

[ManOnFire]

Often times a guy HAS gotten more interested after he had sex with the girl. I agree with some of these points, but I think a lot of other guys wouldn't be able to identify with it either. Fuck 'em and chuck 'em guys definitely do exist, but I think those are stereotypes more often, that we can think are the norm especially when we hear from the women who are very vocal about how they got dumped after a lay.

And honestly? In these times a lot of people will fuck and chuck, even women. They just try to keep pretending they're all about standards and quality relationships, when many women themselves will ditch a guy after the sex because they either got what they wanted or thought they wanted better.

[SovereignessofVamps]

I have a Q: if a girl gets hurt by a bad guy who dumps her after sex... why should she see that as a mistake? Why should she want to be in a relationship with a manipulative dude or one who doesn't care about her anyway? I was just talking about this on a Q of mine.

I do think if she's looking for a relationship, she should speak to the guy at least a little b4 sex to found out his interests or even if they would be a good match... But I definitely think that sex can come before most of the things you wrote about and people will have a relationship just fine.

[lightbulb27]

Well, the perception is the issue right? If she thought was LTR, but he bails, then that is rejection. That hurts anyone. If she got out of it what she wanted or gained value of some kind, then there was an exchange of value, and all fine in Oz? I think the big issue is that sex and love creates bonding, in most cases. I'm still not clear on how some people are doing this without bonding. But there are chemicals released from your brain. And when you lose that person, it hurts. Especially bad when they just drop out of your life. The only way out of that is to take it as learning about yourself. If you get value out of it, then it was a fair exchange. If a baby or disease or abuse showed up, you got bigger challenges.

I'd like to see evidence that sex can come before the other stuff, on a consistent basis. I see too many hurting people on this site. I think it is resulting in a lot more damage than you think. But it gets back to what I note which is expectations/communication.

[SovereignessofVamps]

But what does expectation and communication have to do with sex? If they're good or even great, then sex is just icing on the cake. If those things aren't there, i don't see why she wouldn't suffer no matter what.

[lightbulb27]

If the sex is great, then you don't hear from him for a week, are you all good? I doubt it, its gonna hurt. communication in advance to set expectations of what is going on seems essential... e. g. I'm intending a LTR, want to get to know you better, or this is just a one night thing. Can still get hurt if rejected or doesn't pan out. I'm not sure we are communicating effectively in this exchange...

[SovereignessofVamps]

It's just that I wouldn't assume he was exclusive with me unless we both said so. Lots of people date multiple people at the same time these days.

[SovereignessofVamps]

And I won't lie lol that includes me.

[Bysshe]

If a girl wants to have sex with a guy and she also wants a relationship with him, if they have sex and then he leaves she at least knows he wasn't interested in a relationship - having sex sooner hastens finding that out. And as she'd wanted sex she at least got something out of it.

So if a girl wants sex with a guy I don't see why she shouldn't go for it.

[lightbulb27]

at 21 you date, I 'm assuming that means sex with, multiple guys?

[SovereignessofVamps]

@Bysshe That's exactly what I meant.

Yeah I've been sexual with multiple guys at the sametime. Which is common for guys and girls to do

[Bysshe]

I thought it was, just agreeing with you.

[SovereignessofVamps]

@Bysshe lol the second part was for the my take writer. I forgot to mention.

[Bysshe]

(Oh I realised that, just saying that to clarify why I'd said what I did before...)

[lightbulb27]

really? Would you mind doing a poll on this topic...
where do you live that this is normal. I'm not saying it is abnormal, I mean people date around and always have. but I'm reading it like it is nothing.
My question to you... is there love between you and these other people? or is it just sex?

[SovereignessofVamps]

Well yeah I usually like them a lot anyway. But with the guys I like most I ask to be exclusive or sometimes he does first. If we click then we click.

[redeyemindtricks]

"I'd like to see evidence that sex can come before the other stuff, on a consistent basis. I see too many hurting people on this site. I think it is resulting in a lot more damage than you think."

Nah. You are just seeing "nonresponse bias".

Thought experiment: You own a company that makes a product. 99.9 percent of consumers are happy with the product.
You have a hotline for "questions/comments".
What will the hotline get more -- compliments, or complaints?
... even though 999/1000 buyers are totally OK with the product.

You get me.

There are plenty of people like me out there, dude. I've NEVER "waited", because I am relentless, impatient, and, frankly, pretty demanding sexually... and I got needs.
Some people think about fucking if enough dates go well... for me, I'd think about dating if fucking went well enough. Many lovers, many loves, and, now, the most impossibly fulfilling marriage imaginable.

You just don't hear from girls like me, because we have nothing to bitch about.

[lightbulb27]

@redeyemindtricks good point.. marketing bias? I can see that in maturity, but at such a young age. I've been there myself, things go fast at a mature age, 3 dates or less. But I'm a guy and we don't bond as well, we certainly can and we get hurt, but the girls I've known hurt more.. depending upon their emotional state.

But it just sounds like a revolving wheel, with no love emotion at a young age. Seems extreme.

I just wonder what is driving these behaviors, if they are permanent and growing? Why are some girls controlled, others all in. Are the ones all in gonna get really hurt? The ones that don't get hurt... how are they doing it?

The head of this question was "if a girl gets hurt by a bad guy, why is that a mistake". It is because it hurt and it could have been worse... baby shows up.. then you are bound to him. It just all seems to me, the wounds of childhood (imperfect love, training) are steering the female... into dangerous waters.

[SovereignessofVamps]

There's abortion and adoption options. And if anyone our age had a kid, they couldn't support it anyway, so the ending would be the same whether it was a bad or good guy. But if u fuck with a condom + bc the chance is so astronomically low...

[lightbulb27]

fair enough, there are solutions.

I'll be very curious to see how all this plays out emotionally in your life and lives of others. that is... when you do want to settle in with a guy and have kids, if it works. Can you emotionally attach to the guy and the baby, or does it create issues. I ask because my experience with all too many females is they have problems and they are difficult to solve. thats my concern that this isn't just fun and games until you change your mind... see where I'm comign from? I could be wrong, I may not totally understand women, but I have concerns the "bug will hit the windshield" down the road. That's my concern for all you young girls... Guys historically get away with it (to some degree), girls not so sure... they seem to suffer and regret (some).

[lightbulb27]

Have you read the book "The Truth", by Neil Strauss. Might be a good read for you to open your eyes into the depths of the problems that can underly the behavior.

[SovereignessofVamps]

I don't think sex or too much of it changes women. If she's self centered, then I'm sure she was like that before, and the sexual activity could've just made it more exaggerated.

[lightbulb27]

Totally disagree. Read that book as one reference point. Like I think I said here, lift a weight with your arm, and your arm gets bigger, sex and that grows. My question is... what are you doing to grow love... in similar proportion to the sex?
I'm not saying sex is bad, it isn't bad, but sex without love I question the damage done over long period of time and recovery required.

[SovereignessofVamps]

Depends on your pov then. I don't agree with people having drunk hookups, I'm just skeptical it damages them a lot. Because if sex w/o love hurts people... what about oral sex then? why would that just apply to vaginal sex?

[SovereignessofVamps]

Or any sexual activity I mean. Why only is one version harmful, but not like kissing or something too?

[redeyemindtricks]

Dude, you should be equally concerned that "all those young girls" -- if they DON'T do a certain amount of sexual exploration -- might happen upon key moments of self-discovery *far* too late in life.

Like, they might discover at *my* old age -- with a marriage and family hanging in the balance -- that they're actually completely sexually incompatible with their life partner, and that they face an unsavory choice between breaking up their families vs. slowly dying inside a little every day.
If they fuck around enough to discover who they are sexually, that's much less likely. Will they be more sexually demanding of a marriage partner? Hell yeah they will -- and that's how EVERYONE wins. Stepping it up, and all that.

Really, there's a continuum of "sociosexuality", as the psych people call it. Some people -- both boys and girls alike -- really CAN'T have sex without love... and THOSE are the people who are best off waiting. (The danger of too-late self-discovery is less acute with

[redeyemindtricks]

these people, because their sexual identity is so completely subsumed into an emotional relationship.)
On the other hand, lots of people -- again, both women and men -- have higher "sociosexuality". In other words, (horrors!) we can actually fuck for fun, fulfillment, and... just for the fuck of it, as it were.
For us, it's CRUCIALLY important to explore. It IS. In the same way that we also have to explore, say, career options -- how many people are a perfect fit for their first job/career? ahahahh

Also, I think you are WAY dead wrong about the idea that more boys are emotionally capable of fucking around than girls.
I mean, that's just... not true.
That's an artifact of how society -- and groups of other boys -- condition boys. They make it so that it's not OK for a boy to admit that he can't really do the casual sex thing... and so you end up with boys who DO lose big pieces of themselves, emotionally.

There are absolutely as many of them as there are girls.

Absolutely as many.

[lightbulb27]

Different levels of chemical release in the brain. Sex is sex... it is two people mating with chemicals going off. It is as intimate as you can get between two people.
Like I said, read that book:) It is really that the person was broken in childhood, or I should say... misdirected? And then if they begin pursuing their identity via sex they can become an addict and it takes them way off track of possibly what they really want. The book is the story of a loser, who trained to be the top player in the country, only to find out he wanted a relationship with a woman... but couldn't.. he was screwed up from his mother and had to go through a lot of healing to have a successful LTR with his now wife.

Its all subjective... as adults, we have to find our way.

[lightbulb27]

@redeyemindtricks this is a case where it is hard to get anywhere without face time and talk. I kinda thought I'd get some energy out of you when I wrote that. This is a complex domain, I don't know everything, but I'm trying to understand.

[redeyemindtricks]

I mean... I like how people actually buy the story that Neil Strauss was a "loser" or social outcast (the story he peddled to sell The Game).

Lol... I mean, just lol, that idea is ludicrous on its face. At the beginning of that story, Strauss was already **an entertainment journalist for Rolling Stone**. Obviously not the kind of job one would ever get if one were a social pariah, let's just say that. Lmao.

Dude, I don't know why you are so wedded to this old-fashioned idea -- as if the world were one-size-fits-all. People vary on this metric, just as much as they vary on every other psychological metric.

And at this point you're just starting to sound ridiculous, because I was always sexually forward and promiscuous and I have absolutely zero trouble with my wedding vows -- in fact, we're gotten well past the point where we've made commitment/marriage/monogamy into an idea that's just irresistibly hot.

And...
"Broken"? Uh, fuck you very much, sir. Let's at least be serious, here.

[lightbulb27]

@redeyemindtricks I could totally relate to what he was saying where he started in that book so I believed it. Just because he got to be a writer doesn't mean he was successful with women, or at the level he got to.

I realize not one size fits all... I'm sure there is a spectrum of people and needs... some with higher sex drive, some with higher love drive, some with not so much. Its all really just chemicals I think. I'm trying to understand, that's why I ask the questions and dig.

Maybe some people can, maybe there is more of it than I know and I just haven't seen it in real life. Like I said, I'd be interested to know how all this turns out in peoples lives. It sounds like it worked out fine for you in that you could explore your sexuality and it caused no issues in finding and maintaining your marriage... Good... write a book! there's always a "bell curve"... is that the center of it (norm) or the outskirts? I know not.

[lightbulb27]

Broken - yes, I'd say through the book The Truth, Neil Strauss would say he was "broken" by his mother. She controlled him and treated him like a husband and abused him. That was the major source of why he had troubles bonding with his wife. If it happened there, it MAY be the cause for other people. That's why I suggested she read that book, see if there is any parellels. May not be, I don't know her and it is her life.

[SovereignessofVamps]

@myTake Owner That was my question to u! Why would intercourse release certain chemicals but not other sex acts or even affection? Especially since people wear condoms or use bc when they do it. It's not like all the hormones, or the skin to skin contact is ideal.

[lightbulb27]

I can only answer it logically in that sex is the most intimate thing you can do. To me, sex is synonymous with the sperm going into the egg to fertilize it. It is "intimate", there is connection, moisture, heat, activation, chemicals are released, exchange of fluids. There are a variety of chemicals released in sex from the brain and exchange of fluids. I do not know though which ones are released in kissing, vs touching, vs sex, vs BJ, vs sex with condom. I wish I did! I want to learn this and if I figure it out I'll post on it. That may clue me (us) into why some people bond (and thus risk getting hurt) and others don't.

It makes sense to me, although I can't prove it yet, that seeing you gives certain chemical, holding hand or hugging is some variety/amount, kissing at different levels others, and sex is another. I mean, don't you feel different things at different stages? I'm not sexually satisfied kissing... so there is more to sex, but can't say for sure yet how exactly it work

[SovereignessofVamps]

But how can there be a fluid exchange with a condom? I've read the whole oxytocin thing is a myth because men actually have higher levels than thought. Like almost equal to women's levels but men don't bond through sex. I think people get addicted because of the intimacy male or female.

[lightbulb27]

With a condom there isn't a fluid exchange via intercourse, as far as I know... only via kissing, oral sex, etc.. I guess that is still fluid exchange, but not sure if it is the right fluids to generate whatever chemicals. I know men can bond, I thought women bonded more via Oxytocin... e. g. they get a dose of this with the baby to bond to it. But I honestly do not know... what I thought I knew, appears not to be universal.

I'm going to follow you because I don't understand you and I'd like to better understand your perspective. You have the potential to change way I see things and thus how I treat people. I am "more conservative" in my viewpoint, but I believe in freedom and that you are an adult and have right to life your life. I am trying to understand...

Let me ask you and redeyemindtricks a question if I may. In your relationships, do you have and feel an "emotional" connection to your partner (s)? I know she is married and monogomous, but it appears you are not at this time.

[lightbulb27]

I get the feeling you are asking these questions because you don't understand yourself and you want to, is that right? Or were you asking questions originally because I challenged you and it really isn't relevant?

Can I ask where you live (part of country)?

[SovereignessofVamps]

Yeah, I feel a connection! And I think it's cool you're openminded. I accepted ur follow. I asked because u challenged me mostly. It was also a new idea about not regretting bad boys. A guy asked why should you regret sex with them... and I think he was right. So I asked for both reasons.

[lightbulb27]

I'll stop the thread soon but keep coming up with questions..
So if, he said... hey "Suzie (you), I'm gonna move on to the next girl. were over." would you be hurt inside - pain? Or would you be like..."we'll I got some great stuff out of it, I learned a few things, it felt good, I'm good!" Later dude... more fishes in the sea?

[SovereignessofVamps]

It depends. If he was a ONS I wouldn't care. If we were dating of course it would hurt. but that would be for anyone, not just girls...

[the_rake]

There's also the virgin guys, and even more guys that are just generally inexperienced. It's natural that these guys don't want to commit to a relationship, why? Because all these years they've had to invest their time and energy into the 'hunt' and got nothing while these girls are screwing away the most high status alphas. So at this stage, yeah they want to 'fuck and chuck'. Why? Obviously it's because they feel inadequate and want more experience.

[lightbulb27]

That can happen. I also wonder though if they catch one... they are like... I'm done, keep this one?

[the_rake]

@lightbulb27

for some guys, that is quite possibly the case - especially the 'save it for marriage' / voluntary celibate crowd. but for the guys that are just sexually frustrated, I don't think they are likely to have the same moral reservations about getting the experience they have been exempt from. they might even be a little bit misogynistic - not full on Roger Elliot rage mode - but it's understandable that these guys will feel perplexed, frustrated and maybe even a little angry. so why would they see any woman that's already slept with 10 guys she thought were more deserving than him as marriage material? especially not if they are going to feel inadequate at a later stage in the relationship.

[lightbulb27]

yep, would take a lot of understanding... ugh!

[pr3ttybr0wn]

this is why its smart for women to wait. because you never know how the guy will react until he gets what he wants. its like buying a used car off a lot without taking it to the mechanic and HOPING the car runs well. maybe it will, maybe it won't but you should take it to the mechanic first and be smart and put the odds in your favor. just like you should wait and see the guys true colors and get to know him before having sex. but hoes gone be hoes and some of y'all won't listen

[kelvinmed]

I wanna fuck as much as the next person but holding out has it's merit of showing you have emotional strength and don't get swayed by feelings easily. I want to get to know someone and get enticed by their personality. Yeah I'm a guy that goes for personality. Do I want to have sex with a hottie? Hell yes but I'm shy quiet guy I don't force myself to be something I'm not to sleep around with women. On the other hand, some men are pitiful.

[lightbulb27]

I agree, I want to know the personality first and I was shy for a long time. ty!

[kelvinmed]

No problem and then again I don't hold it against people who sleep around early. To each their own plus I don't care enough to let it bother me

[Anonymous]

Well, I was with my ex almost 3 years, we split up 4 years ago I was badly mistreated abused and used to his desires, let me tell ya I loved that man but it just was never enough.
I then got used again by someone else, then by that persons friend also used me.
I'm now waiting to see a shrink as I have very low confidence i don't like being anywhere near people, i isolate myself mostly on my own, I hate myself and see myself more as a toy then a woman that can be loved.
so yeah not all women just want sex or a one night stand some of us want real love but never find it.

[Whizzy83]

Did you ever tell your ex's why they treated you so unfair?

[Opinion Owner]

@Whizzy83 yep and they deny it and won't accept what they've done, especially the one who abused me he lives on his lies, be careful guys there's some right bastards out there.

[Whizzy83]

Well i guessing you're that type who like the bad boy's. You may not notice or see it but i know women like that who are into drama.

[Opinion Owner]

@Whizzy83 HAHA you just made me laugh none of my exes were bad boys XD quite opposite still assholes, infact the guy i was abused by looked like butter wouldn't melt tbh, never judge a book by a cover

[SovereignessofVamps]

Yeah, that are guys that look sweet but can be evil. Just like girls. Bad boys are usually... like big toddlers almost. but those passive aggressive people, when U R in private with them are way worse.

[Opinion Owner]

@SovereignessofVamps Listen to this woman, she knows what she's talking about! :)

[SovereignessofVamps]

xD TY! Those passive people usually have a lot of pent up rage, too. So they can be really dangerous.

[Whizzy83]

Well then next time a guy mistreats you just kick him in the balls and run like hell... when the family ask about him you can tell them that "we broke up" ...'' why what happen'' ... i kick him in the ball. Then you can all laugh about and get you hi five's.

[lightbulb27]

I'd so like to see that solved and prevented and you mentioned a key word that should be expressed more... love... the real thing we want and need. Sorry for your pain, counseling is better than "shrink". Don't do drugs to mask the problems, work through the emotions and pain. You got into a relationship where you gave yourself and he hurt you. That lead to more of the same. You may even have childhood issues... yes? Will take time, but heal those.
When you heal, then you'll see people in a new way and you'll be able to go towards them, not hide away from them. That is ability to love again.

[Opinion Owner]

@Whizzy83 im hoping it doesn't happen again I've youtubed a lot of stuff googled things asked people with the same experiences and already had CBT so im crossing my fingers im wiser then i was years ago xx

[Opinion Owner]

thankyou :)

[slimstiffy]

Have mixed feelings about this article.
In many ways, i have to agree. but it happens with me before sex. When they start showing me interest back, is when it happens. Usually i quit it with many girls after 2 weeks. Thats always before any sex has occured. Somehow, when the interest has been returned, my irrational attraction brain gets turned off and i look at the other personality traits. More often than not, its not a match. When i actually really like a girl, is when i like her personality. And not her looks/body

[lightbulb27]

Interesting take. when I read the first part of what you wrote, I was thinking there is soemthing else going on... if they start to get interested then you run, I'd think you have some kind of a wound that says "what's wrong with them liking me"? That would be present if you had a lack of self confidence/esteem. But the second part indicates that if you really like them then you are attracted, so maybe not. Unles... those girls you really like are historically "bad" for you... then I'd say you are living out of some childhood wound that is misdirecting you and filtering out the good ones and directing you to the unhealthy ones.

[slimstiffy]

Heh.. Nah im just filtering out the ones that i couldnt see as a long term partner. Im more into meaningful relationships than just casual hookups or short term flings, so.. Yeah.
Im looking for the good ones that show mom and wife-material qualities. Maybe i just have high standards because i find my mom and my parents' relationship pretty much near perfect.
I wasn't always like this though.. In school i used to fall head over heels over a girl who looks attractive and not regard her personality at all. But they were complete bitches, and i was kind of a pushover for them as well so part of the blame is on me.. However i didn't really get hurt or anything. No one cheated on me or dumped me in a traumatizing manner.. well one girl did go around saying i cheated on her when i actually didn't after i broke up with her... Anyway , There were some actually nice girls who were friendly with me then, i wish i knew better then. I might have had a nice relationship with them instead

[lightbulb27]

you and I think alike, thanks for chiming in! Very wise I think... slow, but less painful!

[slimstiffy]

Your welcome.
And good mytake by the way, i forgot to mention earlier.

[somebodysaycheese]

I agree... BUT I do have to say literally most of the males i have ever meet in my life will say this is a lie. They have no desire to hunt, it wastes time. They only want one thing and figure out if the girl is worth more attention. Now, I guess they coul dbe immature even if they are old guys.. But hey good take.

[Oram52]

Now we do like the thrill of chase. :p
But just because now he's become doesn't mean he'll drop everything and run. He obviously wants a relationship, sex is very important in relationship, but relationship is not just sex.

[lightbulb27]

sure, they are young and looking for sex only. they get it and keep coming back or move on. But doubt they ever intended a LTR in that mix, they didn't value you as a person, only as an object. I'm referring to the girl wants a LTR, she thinks she has a guy for LTR, but relationship is blown out...

[Oram52]

No we want exactly that LTR if intent was there to begin with, sex wouln't change that. If that was the case it'll be happening all over, and majority of relationships wouldn't even start.

[SovereignessofVamps]

@Oram52 This is exactly what guys have told me too.