I'm 18 years old and single, and have been for 18 years. Whether it be my choice, someone else's or the universe. Overtime, I've begun to wonder why this is. Is it me? Was it them? What could I have done? What can I do?
Reasons I'm Single:
I'm not ideal for the area I live in
I know that there are plenty of people where I'm from that will find me attractive but I am a minority where I live. In high school, I was 1 of maybe 5 non-mixed African Americans at my school, most of were females and related to me. It didn't mean I was ugly or something was wrong with me, it just means I wasn't the preference of most around me. That's okay. I'm also not sporty, which was another big thing guys in my area looked for. There were a few guys over the years but not many. There are a few black guys in my area but a lot of them like white girls, nothing is wrong with that, I like white guys quite a bit, since those are the types of guys I see the most, so it's totally fair. However, I have no type at all.
Resting Bitch Face
Super common, it runs in my family. I constantly look displeased with my setting. I've tried to come off friendly but it's hard to remember to look like I'm having a great time, and usually I am, it just never makes it onto my face. This makes me seem very intimidating. I'm actually rather outgoing (I'll get to that later). Guys, or really anybody, don't really want to talk to a girl who looks like she's going to be a raging bitch. Oh well, I guess I won't have harsh smile lines in the future.
I've been told that B-O-L-D, Bold is what I wanna be. I'm pretty outgoing, well, actually and introverted extrovert, or an extroverted introvert? Hmm? Anyway, if you get me going, I'm loud, I mean, loud. I have an abrasive personality that most take a little time to warm up to. You love me or hate me. I'm a required taste. A side from this, I talk a lot, and FAST, better keep up, cause I can't slow down. I'm a lot to take in. I also come with lots of interesting party tricks, strange stories, and constant jokes.
I guess it comes with the face. I never go out of my way to hurt someone's feelings, but I'm quite honest about how I'm feeling. I'll be the first to admit, that I'm rather moody. I wasn't always this way but I used to be a huge pushover, one day something just snapped, or clicked. Ever since, if you're doing something that's upsetting me, I'll let you know, which tends to be threatening to most. I tell you I'm upset, not to start shit, but so we can work it out. It's this way with friends, family or romantic interests. It doesn't matter, stable relationships need conversation, even if it involves some tough love. I need someone who won't get too butthurt if I get a little snappy, and someone who isn't afraid to just tell me to get off my high horse.
I've been single since I came out the womb. Naturally, I'm very independent. So when someone gets to close, I try to make a run for it. I'm scared of losing my independence. I can't be tied down, man. If a guy expresses interest in me first and I get uneasy, I'll just start being boring, childish, I know, but it gets me out of trouble fast.
I Fall Hard
Once I find a guy that I like, I'm fall so hard and I can't get up. I will turn guys down because I'm so determined to get the guy I'm hung up on. It usually doesn't matter, cause there aren't that many guys in my life anyway. But if there is someone on my mind, I really struggle to focus on another. I'm in this bind right now, and I don't have the courage to ask him out.
Fear of Rejection
No one likes being told no. It happens to all of us. I've been rejected before. It's not even that that bothers me the most, it doesn't feel good, but the part that hurts is the embarrassment. I can handle someone not feeling the same way, I can't handle thinking people feel bad for me, or laughing at me. That sucks. What if they tell all their friends some loser asked them out? I don't like being vulnerable so I also don't want them to avoid me cause they told me no. I'm a big girl, you don't have to like me back. People lose friends all the time cause they express their feelings, it just seems easier to watch from a far, eventually I'll get over them, right?
I like interesting guys. I wouldn't call myself picky. But I'm the artistic type. Some people call that hipster but I just like when people like what I do, which happens to be "hipsterish". I like "indie" music that I won't have to hear on the radio until I want to pull my hair out, and not to be cool, but cause that honest to God what I listen to. I'm also a visual artist, so it's nice to have someone who isn't going to constantly put down my artistic talents and ask why constantly.
Ya like what you like. Now before I'm called shallow, let me explain.
Race doesn't play a factor, see I've never had a boyfriend so I don't think that really matters.
Weight, I've always been pretty thin, but I do cardio and I try to eat healthy. I don't mind a guy with a little extra weight, I like fit guys, that's just a plus, as long as he keeps it under control, I'll eat what I want, he can eat what he wants, but if it gets out of control, we are gonna have to work on it. But yes, the teddy bear type is fine.
Height, again, tall guys are a plus. But I really don't mind a guy whose like 5'7" and up. I'm about 5'5" so I'm not sure I want to date a guy shorter than me.
Facial features, I can find beauty in most, I think my love for painting portraits makes this possible. There are so many faces out there, each one different, and I really love that. This doesn't guarantee I'll think you're hot. But I love full lips, and a strong nose. I won't lie a nice jawline is a plus, I give in, I'm a sucker for them. EVERYONE LOVES MALE MODELS, OKAY!
Personality really does mean more to me though. It really does. I can't stand the douchey type. they do have an appeal, the whole "whatever, i don't care" is hot, for about 5 minutes and then I actually want to know that you have a soul under there, preferably a funny one. If you can make me laugh, major brownie points.
I also have learned that I love your classic, primal man. I have found just about every type attractive but I really love just a macho man. I hate to admit it. But overall, the way you carry yourself matters the most.
I could go on. I know who I am, I've learned a lot about myself. Sometimes it's other people, sometimes it's me. I know someone will come along and we will understand each other. I am grateful for the fact that I've been single for so long, rather than see it as a weakness. I've learned to love myself. I know that if I'm not happy single, I won't be happy in a relationship. People can't fill voids for you. I'm strong. One day I will be able to ask the guy I like out. I will find guys who think I'm cute, who like that I'm loud, love my skin, who can except that I will have my moments, not all my art will make sense, and I will most certainly look pissed off a lot of times (I swear, I'm fine). I don't think I'm ugly anymore, in fact I know I'm not. I may not be everyone's preference but that doesn't mean anything is wrong with me. If I like who I am that's all that matters.