This take is the culmination of three arduous minutes of me staring off into space while eating my lunch outside, taking a break from all the work that I was supposed to do but instead didn't because I wanted to spin around in a rolley-chair and wander around on the top of my office building.
Both genders often spew crap to a member of the other gender that they're not particularly interested in, but don't know how to say it without sounding like a bitch/jerk and without feeling a crushing sense of guilt afterwards. So to avoid this awkwardness, they lie to try to lesson the blow but by doing so leave the other person confused. Soooo, here I am to demystify some of these obfuscating and equivocal phrases into plain English that every person can understand.
1) I wish I could find a guy/girl just like you.
Translation: I wish I could find a guy/girl with your good qualities but none of your bad qualities, which, I'm sorry to say, far outweigh your good qualities to the point where I'm not attracted to you, whatsoever.
2) It's not you, it's me.
Translation: It's both, really. See, it's me in the sense that I'm not attracted to you. And it's you in the sense that you're just not attractive. You've got some repulsive qualities about you that I just can't deal with.
3) I'm just not looking for a relationship right now.
Translation: I'm totally looking for a relationship with the right person, aaaaand that just ain't you. Not even close.
4) You'll find someone, don't worry.
Translation: You're gonna have to settle for far less than what you think you deserve, orrrr wait forever and hope you get lucky. Either way, you're in for a bumpy fuckin ride.
5) We can always be friends.
Translation: This is my consolation prize to you. I don't really want to be your friend because it's gonna be awkward as fuuuuuck but I can't be a total dick/bitch here. You're gonna be secretly wanting to get with me and hangout while I'm gonna be secretly not interested in you and gonna make you a small priority compared to my actual friends. I'm hoping you just decline so we can both avoid this clusterfuck of a situation we have.
So there you go; five commonly used phrases we hear thrown around like a drunk slut at a frat party spelled out in no uncertain terms.
Disclaimer: This was partly, like 20% satirical, okay maybe 30%....35%, we'll say 60% satirical and 40% cold, raw, dirty, stinky, down in the gutter, beaten with a bamboo stick truth. If I've in the slightest way offended anyone's delicate feelings, then that's cool; these things happen.
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