I know, one of THESE takes again. Let me preface this by saying I don't mind spending some money on a girl for a first date. I'm not one to even go to a restaurant for a first date and I do prefer doing an activity where we don't have to worry about money. But I do understand the feelings that some guys have on this topic and I think SOME guys don't understand why it really upsets them and thus can't verbalize it properly to girls. So this take is for both women AND men.
As someone who is a male I can really only say this from a guys point of reference. Going on a first date is nerve-wracking. Hell, even before that when you build up the ball sack to even try and initiate a first date with a girl is beyond torturous. And so, anxiety is already very high for a first date which is a shame since it's hard to have fun when you feel all this pressure. And so to pay a bunch of money at the end of all this anxiety filled date is just the cherry on top of a PTSD inducing experience. But that isn't what some guys are most afraid of.
It's feeling unappreciated.
I hear a plethora of reasons for why girls want guys to pay on a first date. For many of them I do get it. And I try not to blame women (I'm human and do occasionally have brief weak periods of bitter hatred towards them) for these things because a lot of it is parental and societal upbringing.
But a few excuses I hear from girls on why a guy should pay tends to stand out to me the most and I feel offended by. The two I see often which are very similar are
The guy is showing he is willing to be committed by paying on the date.
I want to know my time is being appreciated
Both of these, while they may seem innocent from the girls perspective, are incredibly insulting and humiliating from the man's perspective. Respect/appreciation and commitment are all two way streets, yet here they are being treated like it only has to go one way: The man giving these courtesies to the woman. This says that a woman's time is worth more than the man's. Already from date one the girl is saying she is above the man whether she consciously acknowledges it or not.
This says that the man is worth less than her and he is below her. Girls say they just aren't sure if a guy is serious about her but we as guys face that exact same dilemma as well and it's no less bad for us. We have zero clue if a girl is actually serious about us, either. Yet while men are expected to give girls some assurances that we as men are serious, they for whatever reason do not have to assure the man that she is serious.
I personally feel the most insulted about how girls say they are giving up their time for a man and that's why he should pay. Am I not giving up my time as well? Or is my time worth nothing more than mud in a woman's eyes?
Ladies, if a man saw your time as being worth nothing more than garbage would you really want to spend time with him? Because the reverse of this is happening when girls say a guy needs to pay to show he appreciates her time. Our time is worth so little that not only is it free but we even have to pay a girl for sharing our time with her.
Honestly, I don't think most guys enjoy paying on the first date. Yes, quite a few do enjoy it but I think most guys do it out of obligation or genuine fear of being rejected. So when you are thinking about how thoughtful they are, in their minds they could actually be building up resentment towards you and the first date hasn't even ended yet. So girls, you may think most guys don't have a problem with it since most guys do pay. But a lot of the guys paying are not doing it because they want to. They are doing it because they feel like they HAVE to. Which I'm sure isn't a pleasant thought since that kills the romance. But honestly it is true for a lot of guys out there. The guys you know who are super gentlemanly very well could be among them. Guys will never admit it because it will make them look bad in a girls eyes.
Anyways, I know this is not all girls or even close to it (God I hope not) and I know I'm going to have a hard, maybe next to impossible, time by not being automatically excited about paying on the first date, but I just don't want to start a relationship already having subconscious hatred for the girl for making me do something that I perceive as unfair. (Yes there are things that society expects women to do for men in a relationship but I will never ask a girl to do something for me that I wouldn't do for them). People say if I don't pay on the first date I shouldn't expect to get a second date (which again shows that I'm apparently beneath the woman for simply being a male) but I like to think of it as if they expected me to pay then they don't get the pleasure of having me for a second date even if they wanted one.
Again I don't have a problem paying for smaller dates where there is no check since you pay at a counter before going in or just buying ice cream which is like nothing. But if I get a smell of entitlement from a girl that I should pay or they're annoyed I didn't take them somewhere fancier I'm extremely turned off. I want them to be dating me not my wallet.
Maybe I'm feminine but I just want them to appreciate me as much as I would appreciate them. It's literally the only thing I ask for. But for the majority of people I guess that's asking too much.
Again, I love women and am not just trying to bed them without using money. My goal isn't even sex; I want an emotional connection first and foremost. I want a friend, someone who I can talk to. Someone I can be vulnerable around and someone I can be there for when they are feeling vulnerable. That's why I can't date a girl who expects me to throw money for them on a first date. I'd never be able to be open with my feelings around such a person because I don't feel respected by them. And for those of you that like old fashioned dating that's totally cool. I am okay with you wanting to do dating differently from me. All I ask is you be kind and return that gesture and not force old fashioned dating on me.