Step-By-Step Guide Guaranteed to Get Guys Laid (Not So Seriously)

Prepare to be knocked on your arse by how incredibly amazing and dumbfounding this myTake will be. Doesn't it tell you a lot about what I have to do on Saturday night when I choose to write an essay instead of play video games?

The Sooper Dooper Step-By-Step Guide that will One Hundo get you them girls right over there

1. Pick a fine and dandy opening

Everyone knows that all women are gifted upon birth with the "Eternal Book on Recognizing Which Men Are Alpha Enough for You." Yes, it's a long title, but it was necessary for the evolution of the human race. But guess what, guys? I have gotten my hands on that very book and I'm going to tell you some hot and spicy openings to a conversation that are sure to win you the day:

1. *whisper into her ear* "I don't have AIDS"

2. "Well, where I come from, no means yes."

3. "Are you a parking ticket cuz u have fine written all over you baby."

4. "Are your parents autistic cuz they made one special girl!"

5. "Do you want good sex tonight?" "Nope." "Good, come with me!"

And if you say any of these things to a girl she will automatically want your babies.

2. Corner Her

In some rare cases, these incredible opening lines will not be enough for the insatiable woman you are hunting- I mean asking out to hear. So, in case she tries to make her escape, you have to have a plan in order to make her stay. Since I would never dare recommend brute force, I would say one of these three things:

1. "Wait I have candy"

2. "Don't make me call 911"

3. "I know where you live."

And if you exercise any of these statements you should be good to go!

3. Grand Finale

After you've almost assuredly gotten in her pants, you're going to have to make your big finish happen. I would usually go for the helicopter escape, but since you're probably operating on a limited budget, I would suggest having an alpha AF Honda Civic at the ready for the Great Escape.

You might question some of this stuff's legitimacy, but fear not. I have a PhD in woman science from the University of google. And if you are not attracted to the women folk, I can indeed write a separate guide for women folk on how to get your man. Or woman. Except you just read this. So yeah. Women and gay men will indeed agree in the comments, this foolproof plan is your one-way ticket into winning over the girl of your dreams!


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What Girls Said 9

What Guys Said 19

  • 2mo

    This is funny. :P

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    • 2mo

      I know not what you mean. Getting laid is serious business, sir :P

  • 2mo

    This, sir, this is up to the standards of GAG MyTakes, certainly. That was fucking hilarious. xD "Wait; I have candy."

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    • 2mo

      And with these self-proven strategies you will win the girl of your dreams guaranteed!

  • 2mo

    Yep, it works 100% :P

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  • 2mo

    And now we need a serious guide to get us virgin boys laid at last :P

    Well, this is something funny.

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  • 2mo

    Lol seems legit. Dood have u tested it urself?

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  • 2mo

    Made me smile - Good take

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    • 2mo

      The point isn't to smile, it's to get all the bitches! Leggoo!!!

      Thank u

  • 2mo

    I'll never forget "Does this rag smell like chloroform?"

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    • 2mo

      And keep staring, always lock your eyes on her, regardless of what she does. Be Mona Lisa. She'll see your obvious level of committment noticing you follow her around the room undressing her with your eyes. Go with the deer in a headlight look, mouth agaped is always a plus, little bit of drooling wouldn't hurt either. If you want it to escalate, rub yourself while watching her, surely this signals your attraction to her, more conspicuous the better. Try lapping your drink with your tongue to demonstrate your tongue-skillery. Show off your economic prowess and dine on the spoils of your own successful mining operation setup in one and/or both nostrils, she'll appreciate how saavy you are. Actually, the more unhygenic, the better, nothing says filthy animal in sack like a guy scratching his own bare a** in public. Forget winking, double it up and use both eyes, repeatedly, asynchronously, be creative and mix it up, double her pleasure.

    • 2mo

      100% the Maxemeister brand male bat pheremones will indeed win you the love of your life

  • 2mo
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    • 2mo

      Nope that one was written by a scrub! Confirmed by moi!

    • 2mo

      nope. written by an ultimate love guru master. confirmed by my majesty.

    • 2mo

      Nope mine's written by a guru future GAG presidential candidate

  • 2mo

    Entertaining :D

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  • 2mo
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    • 2mo

      Confirmed by the doofydood, confirmed by Jeb Bush, confirmed by myself, I've got all the confirms m8

    • Show All
    • 2mo

      I remember hearing things about it from fellow memers. Sounded really rough if you ask me. Let me tell you, a man must be wise when investing his shekels these days. All you need is for a meme to go on facebook and bam, you've wasted your investment.

  • 2mo

    Thanks man. Got me pussy. Could confirm.

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  • 2mo

    A sense of humor is good. Your opening lines suck. The rest is irrelevant.
    You've way over-simplified the process. ;)

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  • 2mo

    Well said, cornering really helps, the more you corner them the less they feel they need to run off. If they try you can just correct them with duct tape. It works wonders.

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  • 2mo

    You forgot '' This rag smells like chloroform.. .. wanna smell?''

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    • 2mo

      Lol I've used that one too many times to seem original

      "Baby I think I'm DNA helicase cuz I'm gonna unzip your genes"
      "You're like my pinky toe cuz I'm gonna bang you on every piece of furniture in this house"
      "Let's test our combined displaced water volume on my water bed"
      "Roses are red, violets are blue, I have a gun, get in the van"

  • 2mo

    we have different views on things but comedy
    lol love this kid

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  • 2mo

    67.media.tumblr.com/.../...c1fYyo1r04g55o1_400.gif

    media.giphy.com/media/Nf2PbfpGWSeKQ/giphy.gif

    Well done. This was absolutely hilarious when I first read all those pickup lines. And then it had me totally cracking up in the Grand Finale. Even if Guys or myself didn't get laid going by what you had wrote in this take, it is still worth reading some REAL FUCKING GOOD LAUGHS!!! LOL

    This take just reminded me of the type of content I usually find and read in a MADtv magazine for some reason.

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  • 2mo

    drive a Mercedes-Benz SLS AMG and u can get laid easily 😂😂😉

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  • 2mo

    I like what Howard said! I'm gonna use that line with girls lol

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  • 2mo

    "I don't have AIDS" 😂😂😂

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