Is "Ghosting" the New Dating Nightmare?

[AshleyBenedith]

We were talking for four months every single freaking day; from our interests to how our day went, to our hobbies, favorite colors, beliefs about life, and the Simpsons. We had so many things in common it was scary, and by the end of the first month we had already given ourselves cute little nicknames. It was a tradition that since we lived far away, I would see him every Saturday and sometimes in the middle of the week. We would cuddle in front of his friends, they all knew who I was, "she's mine" he would say, and he even invited me to a family dinner once. I met his parents, dog, and little sister. Everything was perfect and I was so extremely happy how day by day we were growing closer.

But that's just what I thought. Things suddenly began to spiral down third month in. Daily texts turned into weekly, instant replies turned into hourly delayed ones, phone calls ceased to exist, and our every Saturday tradition stopped. At first I thought that I was just being paranoid, that this was just a phase. But things only got worse. Fourth month in and he was now only texting me during weekends after midnight. Our longest conversations consisted of him asking me "where are you" at 2 am or "I miss you" when we he barely even tried to see me. I knew right then that he was losing interest and that I should move on.

It has been two weeks and this time, we haven't talked at all. This "ghosting" phenomenon has happened to me twice now, only to hurt me much more than before. Being ghosted twice, I now find myself asking: What did I do wrong? Why did they suddenly disappear? Am I a bad kisser? Am I ugly? Maybe if I did this or that... In short, it really, really hurts. It hurts so much and it affects my ego in such a way that I now feel like crap and insecure. The once confident and nice me has turned into a cold closed-off person. I would rather a guy be honest with me - "I am not interested anymore because (the reason)" - than leave me all of a sudden with no hints and out of the blue.

I stare at my phone feeling empty because he would be talking to me by now wishing me goodnight. I have nightmares and every time I see a picture of him on social media smiling with friends or laughing. I ask myself, "was I that easy to forget?" This "ghosting" should really stop. Guys, please never do this. Always always be strong and confront the girl because it would mean a lot to her even though it might hurt her at first. And girls, never feel worthless if you have been ghosted. Its not our fault men who ghost us are just afraid of confrontation and are weak.

Someone disappearing on you does not reflect your worth. It reflects their fear and insecurity.

[Brokenheartedx]

Id rather be ghosted on than the misery of the dumper making my life hell from moving on to happiness.. creeping about duping me. I've now ghosted on him for the 2 years of hell he has put me through. I've changed number, I avoid online sites he's on even deleted my social media and made new ones up with acronym of my name to never be found..

I suggest u do the same. That way you aren't waiting for him to text. Once someone dumps you I wish people would follow that advice.. disappear to never be found. you'll feel better for it trust me.. he may try contact u again but it will be floating about dead air. He ghosts on you, you ghost on him. Never look back.

[SuitAndTie]

People, guys and girl, who ghost need to grow some balls. Adults should be able to deal with things in a mature manner. If you're no longer feeling the relationship (or whatever you have going on) tell the person instead of disappearing. Going AWOL is a pussy's way out.

[aWes0MeNeSs]

EXACTLY. I couldn't have said it better.

[BlueCoyote]

This is nothing new. It already happened to me back when I was a teenager, 10-12 years ago and before social media was a big thing. It's possible that modern technology intensifies bad manners but I can assure you that people with bad manners have always existed.
I even experienced an ultra-humiliating form of ghosting where I once tried to talk to my then-girlfriend during lunch break in school and instead of talking to me, she crept under a cafeteria table where she was "protected" by her female friends and that was it. I was really confused because I thought our relationship was going very well and we had spent a nice time together the day before. So I said: "Please come up. What are you doing under the table? What's wrong? Let's chat a bit." She just looked at me but didn't say anything. So I told her friends to do something. Her best friend just replied in a cold-hearted way: "She's a free person. What am I to do? Pull her from underneath the table? Obviously she doesn't want to deal with you anymore." I was completely dumbfounded. And I was humiliated because there were lots of students sitting nearby, giving me weird stares for getting "worked up". So I left. And that was it. She never replied to my text messages and emails and when I saw her in school, she went hiding under tables or behind teachers or friends. It was absolutely ridiculous. First I was extremely heart-broken about it but eventually the sadness turned into annoyance. I felt like I shouldn't let myself be played with like that. You shouldn't either. A few months later, I found a new girlfriend who was very different and treated me in a very sweet way. This was 10 years ago.

[aWes0MeNeSs]

She sounds like a weak person if she seriously had her friends do the dirty work for her. But at least it all worked out in the end!

[BlueCoyote]

@aWes0MeNeSs Yes, I'm sure she was. So my bottomline here is: if this ever happens to you (guys and girls), don't let yourself be pulled down. I know it's absolutely horrible because I experienced it myself. But I know there are nice girls out there. I found more than one so far in my life. And if there are nice girls, I'm almost certain there must be nice guys too.

[aWes0MeNeSs]

Yes, you're right!

[Anonymous]

I am honestly amazed that any user on this site, still doesn't understand this.

He was smothered.

Look, a guys natural state, is not to be in a relationship. This isn't about extrovert or introvert. It's about a guy needing time to be on his own.

Typically, a guy gets this, instinctively. But sometimes, from time to time, when a guy gets in to a relationship, either the girl doesn't let him have any alone time or enough alone time, or he thinks there's something wrong with his hidden desire to want time alone outside of the relationship. He doesn't understand that he needs that time, to recharge as it were.

For a guy, we need time out of the relationship. Think of it as recharging the battery that gets run down when we are IN the relationship.

John Gray, who wrote many relationship help books including the award winning Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, writes about this using the analogy of the Dragon and Cave. You can find the details online or anywhere on this site if you search for it.

The point is, it's true. We can wish it weren't, we can claim it isn't.. but over and over and over, experience shows it is true.

The problem wasn't with you. It was with him. He never recharged, and eventually the only thing he could do (he couldn't help himself) was leave the relationship entirely.

[AshleyBenedith]

Thank you this helped me well

[SaiyenBloodd]

Ghosting is a super coward way of a guy to handle things.

Its happening to me right now.

It makes me wonder how can a person ghost so easily- just disappear like nothing happened... wouldn't pulling away be natural?

then it hit me, the guy must have a lot of experience ghosting other girls, and probably didn't even mean anything he ever said.
.

[aWes0MeNeSs]

I think they're weak minded people who are afraid of confrontation and facing their problems, so they choose to run away from them instead. They will eventually have to come to the realization that you can't run and hide from all of your problems.

[Djaaaaaay]

Opinion owner. What about women who also do this... just was wondering why they weren't mentioned also

[SaiyenBloodd]

@Djaaaaaay opinion owner? are you referring to me?

[Djaaaaaay]

Looking for a fight? No... I wasn't , I thought maybe you would of mentioned that not only men , but women who do it too. Both do it

[Djaaaaaay]

Opinion owner. Yes I'm referring to you and I read it wrong , sorry. When I looked back at it , I realized you weren't sure about who is the opinion owner.

[AshleyBenedith]

@Djaaaaaay i did not say women don't do this as well. But I'm talking about guys here cause a guy ghosted me not a girl. Never said girls dont

[Djaaaaaay]

Asker... I'm not talking to you... just the opinion owner.

[NedfromtheNed]

These people, men and women (well, boys and girls), are a product of the digital age.
They are obsessed with themselves and struggle to put other peoples feeling before their own.
They struggle to do the painful but just thing.
They struggle to put themselves in other peoples shoes.
They struggle to realize that the people they interact with are living a life just a vivid and creating opinions and having emotions - being completely and irrevocably human with all of the aspects of life - just as like themselves.

This social media has made us everything but social. We spend hours chatting, but we never make eye contact.

That is why we find it so easy to just leave; we do not see others as humans anymore.

[Razzle-Dazzle]

Good Take. I can see it's written from the heart. These are the takes I enjoy the most. ❤

I felt a lump in my throat reading it , because it's very sad. I'm sure many people will relate to it, because ghosting happens far too often now. To both male and females

I agree, people like that are just weak. It's a reflection on who they are as a person . It's an extremely cruel thing to do to anyone

[AshleyBenedith]

It is true that I wrote it out of my sadness opening up here. Never knew people would like it so much so thank you<3

[Razzle-Dazzle]

You're welcome ❤

[Miss_Behave]

I'm so sorry you had to go through this. I know it hurts; I've been through this before. in my opinion, ghosting someone is a very cowardly and immature thing to do. I can't even begin to tell you how much I hate it when people do this!

For me, I always rather hear/know the cold hard truth (no matter how much it hurts) than to just have them suddenly disappear on me because then I'd be left hanging in the dark wondering what's going on, what I did or said wrong, etc. No closure. It's unfair and very disrespectful, to say the least.

Anyway, thank you for writing this take. I could feel how much this affected and hurt you from reading what you wrote :( I hope you're able to move past this and move on soon.
/hugs

[AshleyBenedith]

Thank you!! Means a lot :)

[Anonymous]

Men stop ghosting once the vast majority (over 70%) of you girls stop doing it in addition to flaking, constant and lots of lying, giving out fake numbers, lying about your relationship status/sexual orientation and just straight being a shitty human being.

[aWes0MeNeSs]

I think everyone should grow a pair and have the guts to say "Sorry, but I'm not interested" or "Sorry, but I don't think this is working out", rather than being passive aggressive or trying to run away from and avoid the issues.

[cheapshotbob]

im in a ghost relationship right now but i have not decided if should break it off since she has 2 kids and some other things i would rather not bring up. but she has been hurt on a lot f levels and trust is not on her top 10 list. im sure will respond eventually but with her situation i think space is all she needs. you can say im dumb or whatever it is you kids call it now.

but i think when they dont respond its just them not wanting to be hurt like she was but thats part of the whole trust thing and stuff i can't really talk about. and i might know much about relationships since things chance and so do the times but i know enough too know when someone needs the space to do what it is they want to accept things.

[Anonymous]

I've been ghosted many times. I think it's a very usual thing with the modern world and online dating. People have so many options that if they like someone else more, they'll leave the other person hanging without any explanation or closure so they don't hurt their feelings. It's just the silent way of saying I'm not into you anymore.

That being said, my issues with being ghosted is that you don't know what went wrong and what not to do in the future so you don't make the same mistake with someone else. It isn't always obvious.

[WolffyLove]

Had that happen to me twice. If things aren't working out or there's no time, I would rather the guy tell me rather than disappear and reappear like nothing happen. End it and move on, don't leave me waiting to hear from you only to be ghosted again. It's the norm unfortunately.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for posting this, it's so accurate. I went through this a couple months ago, this past July. It still hurts, honestly. I've thought about the guy a lot and part of me still misses him but I also have a lot of resentment and anger towards him for how he erased me without any explanation. We were seeing each other for 7 months. Same thing as you described above; met the family, friends, spent every weekend together, etc. The part I related to the most was when you described the impact on confidence and ego. That one got me. I felt so insecure and worthless afterwards. Like I was just another girl with no significance whatsoever. Easily tossed, erased, forgotten, replaced. This was my first experience being ghosted and it hurt like hell.

[AshleyBenedith]

Im so sorry that you're going through my pain. It leaves a scar on you and worse thing is you still think about them and get angry at yourself for so. 7 months is not easy at all

[Anonymous]

That's crazy. I went through the same thing a few months ago. The exact thing you described. And he did it twice. Once I stayed away because of his behavior he pulled me in again and then that's when he just completely ghosted me. That's when hell broke loose! I told him off because he's never witness when someone falls onto my dark side and made him tell me the truth!. Now I show him he doesn't exist to me. Not worth my time or my emotions. especially to feel like crap. I guess you have to let sadness take over until you feel you are over it and then. All you can think lesson learned. I'm worth it damn! > : ).
People just gotta stop ghosting! It ain't cool.

[Cosytoasty]

I dont want to turntgis into us vs them but if it comforts you, girls use this method too. I'd wager to say more often due to fear of an overreaction from the guy.

No, nobody likes ghosting you're spot on with that.

[Anonymous]

"This "ghosting" should really stop. Guys, please never do this. Always always be strong and confront the girl... Its not our fault men who ghost us are just afraid of confrontation and are weak."

Umm, female friends have ghosted me many times. I can't even remember a time when one of them said, "I think we should end things because [reasons]. It's for the best." It was girls who taught me that ghosting is the customary way to end a friendship when you don't like someone anymore. If they do it so much, they should know what it means. As long as girls do this, I won't feel guilty for doing the same. I never get an explanation so why should they?

[aWes0MeNeSs]

Little girls might ghost, but a mature, grown woman won't. I can tell you that I actually did the hard but right thing to do in both of my relationships. I simply told them both, "Look, I don't think this is working out. We both have completely different things we want in life and are going in separate directions, and I think it's best if we go our separate ways." Not once did I just leave them hanging, nor would I do it just because someone did it to me. Two wrongs don't make a right, and doing something you don't want done to you to other people just because other people have done it to you in the past is not an adult thing to do at all.

[Opinion Owner]

@aWes0MeNeSs Ok, well, you're the exception then. Do what you think is right.

It's not a case of doing something to others that I don't want done to myself. I wouldn't want someone to break up with me, period. But it inevitably happens and, to me, there's no significant difference between doing it via a longwinded explanation or by simply ghosting. Either way, it's a breakup. Either way, the result is the same and you have no say in it. If I'm to be fired and sent home, getting a report card full of F's on top of everything won't make me feel better. Besides, if you have any intuition at all, you can usually sense why they let you go. So I don't see why ghosting is supposedly much worse than sitting someone down and blindsiding them in person. Both are pretty terrible but I guess ghosting is worse for some people.

[aWes0MeNeSs]

There's a difference between something that may need to happen (i. e. breaking up) and something that is unnecessary and not even close to an appropriate way to handle something (i. e. ghosting). There is a signification difference, and the difference is that not only are you handing things in a mature and adult way other than a childish way, but you are also letting the other person know for sure that it's all over rather than having to be confused until it becomes obvious that you're gone for good. Ghosting is just cowardly and honestly reflects a weak and childish mindset. If you run away from an issue to avoid confrontation, you most likely handle other things in the same manner, which will hurt you in the long run. There are certain things that you can't run from or avoid; you have to bite the bullet and confront and face them.

[aWes0MeNeSs]

I also don't understand how you find being upfront and telling the other person that things aren't working out isn't much better than running off without an explanation and leaving the other person hanging. At least the person being upfront has the balls to face the issue and deal with it appropriately rather than running away from it like a pussy. This is the problem with most relationships- nobody wants to communicate and everyone's too scared to have to confront each other if needed. As far as "blindsiding" goes- I know I gave both of my boyfriends more than enough opportunities to try to help save our relationships, but neither of them must have wanted to badly enough. I was always very upfront and clear about everything. By the time I broke up with them, it shouldn't have been a shock, as I had made it clear many times before that if certain behaviors persisted that it wouldn't work out. That's hardly blindsiding anybody.

[Opinion Owner]

@aWes0MeNeSs I think it's just different communication styles. You know how when people are angry, some will rant, rave and curse, while others will simmer in silence. Or if they want to be left alone, some will yell, "Everyone back the hell off! I've had a horrible day!" while others will only fold their arms, frown, and clam up, and people will still get the message. Is one style really immature compared to the other? Or are they just different?

Ghosting is like a non-verbal breakup through actions, not words. If someone ghosts me, I think: "Ok... message received. I know what this means." It doesn't throw me into confusion or a desperate search for explanation and closure. I recall the comedian Aziz Ansari polling his audience at one of his shows, asking whether they preferred to be ghosted or told it's over. A few said they actually prefer the ghosting. He was incredulous: why would anyone prefer THAT? But it goes to show people are all different.

[Opinion Owner]

@aWes0MeNeSs That being said, if I knew your story and how hurtful being ghosted was for you, I wouldn't do it. I would find some other way. When I've ghosted friends in the past, I honestly didn't think it was that hurtful. It seemed LESS hurtful than sitting them down and explaining why I'd love to never see them again. If someone did that to me, I'd get up and leave in the middle of it. But you've shown me how hurtful ghosting can be for many people and I'll think twice in the future.

[aWes0MeNeSs]

I personally think that it shows that you have enough respect for that person not to leave them hanging to just sit down and tell them. Good to hear, I'm glad you realized that! :)

[enis_Penvy]

Girls have done this just as much or more than guys have. You should steer this warning towards them as well - not that it will matter, "ghosting" will continue til the end of time

[aWes0MeNeSs]

True, people of both genders are very guilty of it. It's just weak minded people who are afraid of confrontation and want to run away from their problems rather than face them.

[Unit1]

Ghosting people out is for cowards, I know, I have been ghosted. I would never ghost to people I care about.

You didn't do anything wrong. He simply doesn't deserve you and you deserve someone better.

Sorry it happened to you.

But what am I saying, I'm a ghost myself. People almost never notice me.
steame.ru/.../ghosts.jpg

[enis_Penvy]

I noticed your avatar does that count?

[Unit1]

@enis_Penvy
Haha, yes, I just made it my avatar ^.^

But still, do not confuse these:
> I'm a ghost in the society
> I do NOT ghost on people - except when cutting out toxic people.

[Puppylove94]

I think that's a result of casual dating. I personally don't do that- if I don't like someone I'll tell them instead of just not replying.

People have so many options these days with all of the dating apps. I've found myself doing this quite frequently too. I'll match with a guy on bumble and really enjoy talking to him- he'll ask to hang out a week from now but by that time comes, I'm already talking to someone else. Lol

these apps are a problem for relationships

[BubbleBoy69]

Wait what " I personally don't do that- if I don't like someone I'll tell them instead of just not replying. "

but then

"I've found myself doing this quite frequently too. I'll match with a guy on bumble and really enjoy talking to him- he'll ask to hang out a week from now but by that time comes, I'm already talking to someone else. Lol "

[Puppylove94]

@BubbleBoy69 I don't do it if I meet them in person... I just do it on apps.

[Legaldrugdealer18]

Had this happen to me and it's the worst 😕 mostly because there is no closure. But I ended up calling him out on it and saying idc why you stopped talking, but if you don't have the balls to at least let me know we're done then I feel sorry for you because you're certainly no man!

[miamigirl1970]

I had this happen after four years of every day... it hurt so badly, I questioned everything about who I was, to what I could have done different. However as time has passed and I have finally moved forward, I think I see it that men are wonderful creatures, but when it comes to the emotional, or dealing with an emotional issue, it is just as easy to escape dealing with it. I don't question who I am anymore, I question more about how to open up communications in general.

[Maik567]

"Someone disappearing on you does not reflect your worth. It reflects their fear and insecurity."

That can be true in some cases, but sometimes it's definitely reflects on your own actions. I've ghosted girls who have been insanely jealous or just seemed crazy for other reasons.