Deconstructing The "Nice Guy" Once and For All

The Nice guy Finishes Last stereotype is rampant on GAG and always has been. Most girls on this site look at most guys on this site like desperate, rejected and bitter losers. It's not a kind assessment but it's the one most commonly held. Yet, I don't think either gender on here truly understands the makeup, the DNA of a Nice Guy and why he is actually repulsive to women whether or not they try their best to stomach him or choose to simply reject him for a different kind of male.

Nice Guys Want To Be Great In Women's Eyes

This is often the hardest to break mentality of a guy who's too nice. Like a narcissist who'd rather die than believe they aren't that great and special, a nice guy will almost never think it's not a great thing, it's not one of the best things to be seen highly in women's eyes. We all know this is what sets him backward, but the interesting this is why he continues to want it even though he knows wanting it makes him a loser.

We tried doing what the girls wanted and where did it get us?"

"Nowhere..."

Guys who are too nice don't just have an ineffective mating strategy, they also lack a sense of self. In other words, it's not just that doing whatever a girl wants doesn't work, it's that these guys don't know any other way of being. This is the first lesson in understanding why a guy can continue to at worst be friendzoned over and over by different girls and at best be in relationships where all they get is yelled at and given little to no sex.

The second thing to understand is...

Nice Guys Don't Typically Have a Strong Sense of Masculinity

This is why it's not enough to tell a guy who's too nice to simply be more confident. More confident in what? He'll ask himself silently. These guys usually hate or don't have the best relationship with their fathers for a multitude of reasons. They also don't have a lot of core male best friends. They don't feel truly themselves in a group of other men like a man should. So, when a girl threatens no sex or has a crappy attitude, his instinct is to do or say whatever he thinks she wants in order to make the situation better since he has no strong alternative like a group of best guy friends.

In addition to this, a lot of guys don't have a strong love of being male. They don't want to be very much different from girls. They don't want to those macho guys that have the cheerleader type girlfriends. Those guys seem cold, stupid, and unfeeling to them. They've gotten in touch in their feminine side, which is great, but they have neglected their masculine side.

Another reason men voluntarily disconnect from their masculinity (in my opinion as all takes are)

Young Women Are Intimidated By Too Much Masculinity

A third reason i think for why guys find themselves being so nice that they end up pushing girls away is more of a theory than something i believe as a fact. Nontheless, I'll share it and let you chew on it in your mind.

If you've ever had a class on media marketing or studied it to any degree, it's not uncommon to hear about how young preteen girls are too intimidated by a shirtless hunk with a lot of body hair. Thus, the Disney Prince look is usually a sweet, boyish face with no body hair or even facial hair. Think Justin Bieber early Jonas Brothers early Zac Effron etc.

As such, I believe that during formative years where men are learning "to be sexy" for lack of a better term, they interpret based on what girls of a similar age are responding too. They think they need to look like a Disney Prince too. That the tight leather jacket and tight denim jeans and shiny hair and boyish look is what makes girl want to drop their wet panties.

The reality though is that once a woman comes to full sexual discovery, she usually prefers that manly man with the body hair. Obvious this changes a lot based on personal preference but the point is what she liked as a preteen is not what she likes as a woman. Therefore the things a lot of men are trying in hopes that it makes them sexy don't work. Women are no longer afraid if you're that strong, brooding male who looks like he would punch someone if they messed with him.

As such, it's okay to go back to the aggressive and decisive and even a little bit selfish man you were and gave up when you decided were scary and off putting to women. GAG is a good representation for this. Look at the comments by teenage girls of 14-16 and compare them with women 21 and up and see for yourself what i mean.

In any case, these reasons could be at play if you find yourself asking girls if you're too nice...


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What Girls Said 4

  • 2d

    nice*

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  • 1mo

    Nice guys only will act nice if you are hot. If ur a nice average girl good luck

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    • 1mo

      lol lies.

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    • 1mo

      Guess what, males are visual creatures. If you are fat, your pretty much gonna be on men's invisible radar and no amount of fat acceptance/social programming will change the fundamental nature of male biology. It's not as if women aren't just as superficial as men truth be told. Like when a woman ask a man what DO YOU for Work? (Assessing for resources/$$$/provider capability)

    • 1mo

      And if you ARE hot, they're only nice so they can get laid, not because they're genuinely nice.

  • 1mo

    Just... No. None of it.

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  • 1mo

    poorly said poorly done

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What Guys Said 17

  • 1mo

    Pav Lov if u are interested I actually did a similar take regarding why nice guys are demonize by women and yet we have no problem in society with nice girls.

    www.girlsaskguys.com/.../a28827-nice-guy-nice-girl-fully-analyzed

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  • 1mo

    Attention! (Everyone Reading This)

    Any guy who has problems in dating and blames on the fact that he's "nice", isn't a nice guy to begin with. Genuine nice guys, who have dating issues, NEVER blame it on the fact that they're nice. If he's considered attractive and isn't too picky, then he shouldn't have any issues. Please don't confuse the two.

    Having ANY type of personality doesn't obligate a girl to be attracted to you and doesn't mean that every girl will find you attractive.

    Genuine nice guys aren't pretending to be nice because they think it will help them land a girl. They are nice because it's who they truly are on the inside and would never change it for anyone in the world. Not all of them are too feminine by the way. Hyper masculinity is not a good thing.

    "Nice Guys Want To Be Great In Women's Eyes." "Most girls on this site look at most guys on this site like desperate rejected and bitter losers. It's not a kind assessment but it's the one most commonly held." What you were describing was a guy who tries to be nice and then becomes a bitter asshole after realizing that it doesn't work.

    I will keep saying these things to remind people about the truth. However, you did a good job deconstructing the stereotypical "nice guy". I like how you put it in parentheses.

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  • 1mo

    Lol sorry I can't agree with what you've said, I mean I'm a nice guy and I don't fall into any of the things you've said and I have no issues getting women *shrugs* neither do a lot of the nice guys I know. Or maybe we're just different from the sad saps on here.

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    • 1mo

      are you a nice guy or a "nice guy" ?

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    • 1mo

      you have an above average appreciation for people which comes out through your thoughts actions and behavior or are you nice because you think its the best way to get what you want (girlfriend hookup etc)

    • 1mo

      It would be the first option.

      you have an above average appreciation for people which comes out through your thoughts actions and behavior

  • 1mo

    You present an interesting argument.
    I think that one of the reasons why I could almost not get a date during my teens and 20s was that I was the old-fashioned gentleman who my mother had taught me to be.
    That may have worked during the 1940s, when my mother was courting, but during the 1970s and 1980s it was the opposite of what girls wanted. They wanted edgy bad boys (who usually treated the girls like crap), oily nightclub players, or some version of Mr Harley MacBadBoy and Iva Necktattoo.
    At the age of 30, I had my Rhett Butler moment ("Frankly, my dear, I do not give a damn"). I walked away from women, but in a perverse twist of fate it was not long before women came sniffing around.
    Women began to make their interest plain in ways that would have been unthinkable a few years earlier. That is happening still and as the women grow older they become bolder (or more desperate). A few have cut straight to the chase and propositioned me for sex.
    From my end, I am no longer interested.
    Something changed inside my head during those years of lonely nights. I have not touched a woman for 15 years and I am not interested in doing so.
    Each woman brings with her the risk of false rape or sexual harassment complaints; and a 50 per cent (the current divorce rate) probability that she will arse rape me in the Family Court, which will hand to her my house, my investment portfolio and goodness knows what else.
    Some of the women who have come sniffing around have been some of the same individuals who Friend Zoned me years ago, because I was 'too nice', or not 'fun' enough. Their words.
    It seems that the less interest I show and the less responsive I am, the harder that they try.
    My view is that they can go back to the bad boys who made them tingle in their panties when they were 20. They can probably find the bad boys in welfare housing. They deserve each other.

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  • 1mo

    As someone who was the stereotypical nice guy for years (mainly during my teens), this is somewhat accurate, but it fails sometimes.

    "They don't feel truly themselves in a group of other men like a man should."
    Im not the same guy as before. And I still dont feel like myself, because I have the constant thought that people are judging me. Women sometimes can be just friends, and that's fine (to an extent), but men will always treat you as lesser if you are less experienced than them. Even if they are to be your friends, or at least respect you, you gotta have a comparable experience with women, otherwise you're mocked and exposed to ridicule. You want me to feel like myself in this environment?

    " They think they need to look like a Disney Prince too."
    I never did. In fact, I hate the whole 'Disney Prince' thing. I always wanted to be muscular and have a beard.

    The rest seems fine.

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  • 1mo

    I like your takes, you've usually got an interesting perspective on the things you do my takes about.

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  • 1mo

    Very well put and very well thought out. But unfortunately the majority of women have an extremely severe hatred for the "nice guy." It all stems from a lot of ignorance coming from every direction in my opinion. But yea I highly doubt women will be commenting on here with rational understanding. It's probably going to be a lot of hate. I really think you would have to go so much further in depth into the "nice guy" mind to get them to understand.

    I have thought about writing about this topic in the past, but I had never heard of GAG before lol. Maybe if I'm feeling frisky I'll write my own from my perspective. I really like how you put it, but unfortunately I don't know if people will be able to see it like you do. It's a bit abstract and complex, I mean it is all about psychology after all and many people are too emotionally attached to the whole "nice guy" thing to think about it from an outside perspective.

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  • 1mo

    Boys are shaped into men by their social construct. Many boys grow up without a strong male role model as their mothers divorce their dads for being "jerks.. lying assholes etc." The nice guys try not to be their dads and thus hope to avoid their fate. Being raised almost exclusively by women, taught by women and watching & listening to male-bashing media their whole lives it's no wonder why there are so many "nice guys" out there. They've gotten the message that a strong man isn't needed or wanted... so their only avenue is being passive aggressive just like their mommie taught them.

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  • 1mo

    "Young Women Are Intimidated By Too Much Masculinity"

    Makes sense since the boys their age aren't manly looking themselves.
    14-yr boys are not as manly looking as 24-yr man.

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  • 1mo

    If you haven't read it, I may as well go ahead and reference "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Robert Glover. It's a self help book but in the first few chapters he pretty well covers it with a lot of social history and probably more time put in than you had to put in.

    You aren't far off from where he goes with it. But his research basically led him to a place where a l lack of healthy attitudes towards masculinity in ourselves and in our culture leads to the fractured takes which are the "nice guy" and the "bad boy." In other words, the guys who our culture rewards as being "masculine" are just playing a part and are just as lost and scared on the inside as we imagine the "nice guy" being. But it's the "nice guy" who is seen as weak. And each are seen as personalities rather than reactions to an environment so neither is given the push they need towards a more balanced understanding of true masculinity.

    Anyways, it's a pretty good book and I'm sure if anyone is inclined to find it in its entirety online we all know how to.

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  • 1mo

    Very good myTake, but the problem is - we don't get to choose our personality. If some of us are nice guy, there is nothing we can do to change that... it's like a genetic trait observable in character.

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    • 1mo

      If you're a kind person, that's awesome and don't change that! But the stereotypical "nice guy" is usually shy, insecure, awkward, and doesn't have much personality other than "nice." And that can all be worked on. Confidence can be gained. Social skills can be learned. So yes, you can change that. It just takes practice and dedication.

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    • 1mo

      It depends. In my case, I gained confidence when I happened to make a group of friends who were all less secure than I was.. so I quickly got used to initiating stuff and making decisions for the group. But I wouldn't go around telling people to do the same for the same result.

      I guess, just practice being a leader/initiator and in time, it will naturally to you.

    • 1mo

      @snowangle I was always a leader in my group of friends when I was a kid, but I'm too shy when it comes to relationships, that's why I'm still single/virgin.

  • 1mo

    I've been trying to be nice to everyone my whole life and it has gotten it nowhere... I don't think that it's the reasons of why things happened the way they did but being nice did not help me het through it... I wish I bashed everyone so at least I knew why people didn't like me...

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  • 1mo

    I think a lot of times, being nice is irrelevant. Going by that logic, any time a guy gets a date, sex, or a relationship is inherently an asshole/bad boy.

    And if you get screwed over by a girl whether she uses you, leads you on, cheats, etc, it's like if you complain about it then you're a whiny, entitled, nice guy which is pure BS. It's like how about just not having our feelings messed with, is that too much to ask?

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  • 1mo

    its about sin
    men and women are both attracted to sin

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  • 1mo

    Nice guys are losers.. Hah! 😎

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  • 1mo

    Absolute nonsense. Like many here, the writer is living in a Millennial bubble. Fortunately for me, Military service burst mine. Nice Guys are the underpinnings of Western culture. There are not a lot of slots for Alpha Males like Patton... and Trump, and we need them to lead us. But it is the Vice Presidents and XO's in the military that turn The Boss's visions into reality. Women who hold out for and expect Alphas will more often than not become food for them. We do not make the women swoon but we raise successful kids and effect good balance sheets.

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    • 1mo

      i feel like this isn't a disagreement but rather you feel like i'm vilifying the nice guy.

      I agree with you about it being a very millennial minded take. As much as i disagree with so much of millennial groupthink, i can't help but also come from that perspective since i'm raised under the same circumstances.

      I think, however, that we can become kings relative to ourselves. No, many of us men can't literally lead other men or women in the world but we can lead ourselves and we can stop ourselves from being led on an internal level by others. Doing what your boss says is working toward a common goal. You've entrusted his view to be the presiding view. Letting your boss call you a wuss because he's your boss is a violation of your manhood of your own internal ability to lead yourself. I know it's subtle.

  • 1mo

    So when you piss off a girl or she gets mad at you because she's in a bad mood and just feels like bitching, the best thing to do is to argue back instead of rectifying the situation?

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    • 1mo

      no, probably the best thing to do is tell her you don't feel like arguing and walk away without turning back.

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