The Stress, Confusion, and Anxiety Of Dating Someone That Acts Hot and Cold

Dating should be fun and exciting for the most part, but when someone acts hot and cold CONSISTENTLY, it seems like you're better off without them to avoid the headache and anxiety. It can also mess you up mentally, depending on how much you like the person, with how to deal with people you date in the future.

A few months ago, I met a girl off a dating site who was very cute and had so many things in common with me from music/movie taste, political views, outlooks on life, etc. Not that I thought she was perfect; she still had her flaws and certain things would annoy me but it was refreshing to meet someone like her considering how many women I've dated who I had nothing in common with at all or we just didn't click with our conversations.

Here's the catch: she just got out of a 5 year relationship a few weeks before seeing me and didn't reveal that until after we had our first date. We had an amazing first date and it was just unreal because our conversations were endless and it lasted way longer than I expected. Plus we made out to my favorite bands that she put on, and I felt like I could talk to her about anything. She also consistently acted hot and cold. We'd text each other and she'd send Snapchats and like/comment my Instagram posts but when I'd ask her out, which was only once a week, she'd say she was busy, maybe only to say she couldn't with no plans of rescheduling.

This happened for 3 weeks until she asked me out for our 2nd date. It was an absolute mindfuck. I was cautious since she just got out of a 5 year relationship. I took it very slow because I liked her and wanted to give it a shot since we had so much in common but it was a roller-coaster of uncertainty and when it ended, it ended horribly. The dates themselves were amazing, but contact in between was very inconsistent due to her behavior. It was just an absolute mindfuck because we made out to some of my favorite bands, she brought up how much we had in common and would randomly text me about stuff going on in my town that she's never been to. This made me think she had some interest.

Here are 5 things I've learned from dating someone that acts hot and cold.

1. It leads to a lot of over-analyzing.

When you talk to someone and you seem to hit it off and they seem really into you, but then the next day or two, they seem to want nothing to do with you, it can really mess with you. Sure, people get busy with work, school, and other things from time to time but if they do this constantly, it makes you wonder whether they're really interested or not or if what you said turned them off and caused them to lose interest, even if it was nothing weird or regarding dating them/relationships status/sex, etc.

There's been times where I'd ask a question about a fest she was at or something regarding an interest that she'd bring up, then she'd read the message but not respond. This is also very mentally unhealthy.

2. You feel like you're walking on eggshells with them and it could end any minute.

This kinda builds off number 1, but you feel like if a person acts constantly wishy-washy or ignores you out of the blue even over simple shit, you feel like you gotta scrutinize every word you say/text and contact them as little as possible, or one tiny thing they don't like could end it all. This is also very stressful because no one's perfect and you feel like you fucked everything up over the smallest thing and then they make you feel like you're the bad person, needy, or desperate once it ends.

I don't have any patience for this. I'd rather be with someone who enjoys me for who I am and doesn't make me jump through obstacles or play these stupid games, where I gotta wait hours/days/weeks to text them back; otherwise I'm "too needy/available". I mean you don't have to blow up someone's phone and be in contact with them 24/7 but if you enjoy being with each other, why play games?

3. It can create neediness and a need for constant reassurance.

This is another result of dating someone who acts hot and cold. You feel constantly unsure of where you stand if they act this way all the time that whenever they send you a text, snapchat, or call you after ignoring you for awhile, you think, "okay, they're still interested." Having said that, I never got on her case about it because I didn't wanna push her away and seem bothered because that would have ended it sooner. I'd usually talk it over with my friends for their advice before contacting her because I never wanted to be in the position of cornering her or getting on her case for acting this way.

4. They're most likely playing you.

Chances are if a person is acting this way, they are most likely multi-dating and putting you on the back burner. Now there's nothing wrong with multi-dating until exclusivity is brought up with someone. But when you act hot and cold with someone, it just gives them false hope and messes with their head. I found out the hard way she was playing me because the last date I had with her, she invited me to her place and everything was going great until the end. We watched movies together, made out for a while and she even told me what made me attract her initially, bought me drinks and food at the bar while flirting with me and getting touchy-feely.

But then when we went back to her place and had sex, she asked me to go into her room and when I got up to take my shirt off, there was an empty condom wrapper just laying in the bed from another guy. I didn't say anything because we weren't together but she knew I saw it and said that's trash and gasped. Then after I left her place, I didn't hear from her for a few days, texted her and got no response. We were supposed to go to a fest the next weekend that she asked me to go to and when I tried calling her to let her know I didn't care about the condom wrapper, instead of picking up, she texted me saying she wasn't interested and blocked me from social media like I'm the one who screwed up. I felt so used and betrayed considering she invited me over the last time. To add insult to injury she victimized herself.

5. When dealing with other women/men, who don't act this way, you feel like you have to play games of being distant and taking forever to respond or else you'll ruin your chances with them.

After it ended with this girl, I looked for other women and it caused me to rethink my whole entire approach to dating and who I was, as if there was something really wrong with me that caused things to end the way they did. It caused me to question my actions, take forever to respond to some and give short responses because I was worried they'd think I'm needy if I sent a long text, respond too soon, etc. Dealing with this woman, especially since she had a lot in common with me, left a lasting effect and made me think there was a lot wrong with me. It made me unsure of if I was doing too little or too much.

Overall, dating someone like this can really mess you up. No matter how much in common you have with someone or how much you like them, never ignore red flags like these. It just seems like dating someone who constantly acts like this, is more of a headache and heartache, that you're better off not dating anyone and all then dealing with this shit. I don't have patience for mind games. I've also learned that dating someone on the rebound could put you in their shoes. Despite having dates and sex with a few women after her, I still wasn't over her.

It really bummed me out over this too because while I know there's plenty of women out there, I never had so much in common with someone until I met her and even when I told friends about my experiences with her, they'd say that's your dream girl, or she's a keeper.


1|0
1|2

Join the discussion

0/2500

Submit

What Girls Said 1

What Guys Said 2

  • 1mo

    Don't waste your time with this. Frankly, I would've been gone in the first week because it's just painfully obvious when a girl isn't THAT into you. Going hot and cold just means you're a Plan B at best; either that or she's freakin' bipolar, or something.

    I mean, wasn't the condom a clue? :P

    0|0
    0|0
    • 1mo

      Well yeah, but that was date 3 when I found the condom. Not on date 1.

    • 1mo

      And I'm not wasting my time with this, it's over. It ended a few months ago. It's just a learning lesson from dating someone who acts hot and cold. And she wasn't always like that. We had talked for 3 weeks and even the week leading up to our first date, she'd send a lot of snapchats, text me about bands I liked having shows coming up months later. It was confusing. I think her just getting out of a 5 year relationship had a big part to do with it.

      Even in the week before I found the condom wrapper, she was hitting me up a lot, asked me to go to a concert, and would randomly text me stuff going on in the town I live in, which she's never been to. Absolute mindfuck.

  • 1mo

    Yeah I was in a relationship like that - It is so tough and emotionally draining

    0|0
    0|0
    • 1mo

      Yeah it is. You feel like it causes you to be needy. How long did it last?

    • Show All
    • 1mo

      Safe - I think she saw me more as a big brother than a boufriend

    • 1mo

      Gotcha. Yeah those never end good. I hate to use the term but those are the closest to being "friend zoned" when they see you that way.

Loading...