The Wingman

My girlfriend asked me what a "Wingman" was. I explained that a wingman was an Air Force term for a fighter pilot who flew just behind, and to the side of, another fighter pilot. Together the two pilots formed a team, so that the pilot in front could concentrate on shooting down enemy planes while the second pilot scanned the skies for enemies coming in from behind or from either side. My girlfriend said, "No, silly, I'm talking about two guys in a bar who are trying to pick up girls."

At the risk of revealing deeply held male secrets, I decided to open up and explain to her the concept and practice of the wingman. Honestly, I was hoping my candor would be rewarded with sex. It was Sunday afternoon, and we were just hanging out at my house. Afternoon sex was a rarity, but not beyond the realm of possibility if I played my cards right.

When a guy goes to a bar on Saturday night, the ultimate goal is to meet a fantastic girl who will be a great lover and companion forever. This almost certainly will not happen. The next acceptable outcome is to meet a hot one-night stand. This may not happen, either. Next on the list is any non-contagious, breathing female who is desperate and ready to go to bed with any similarly qualified male. There is some chance this may happen. The most likely possibility is that the guy will hang out with his guy friends, maybe talk to a couple of girls, and go home alone.

The absolute worst outcome, though, is that a guy will hang out by himself all night and look like a complete loser when the bar closes because he obviously came to score and failed. The wingman provides several essential services.

Companionship is Important

No one wants to go to a bar and hang out alone. If there are no available women and the night is a washout, the two guys can pretend that it's really okay. There's nothing wrong with a guy going to a bar with his buddies, having a few beers, and watching the game. The most important thing is that a guy must never, ever appear to be looking for a hookup. Only losers advertise. The guys who score are the ones who act as though they couldn't care less.

The Goal is to Score

Every guy knows that girls never, ever travel alone. If a girl is alone at a bar, beware. She is either a skank or she has a really vicious boyfriend who will come after you and beat your ass for touching his girl. Guys know that quality girls always travel in pairs. Guys also know that girls will never leave their girlfriend alone. The friend must be provided for.

Once available girls have been identified and a conversation initiated, the main challenge facing every guy and his wingman is The Separation of the Girls. The goal is to find a girl willing to be separated from her friend and then go home with the guy she has just met, or perhaps already knew but tonight he now seems attractive and available.

This means that the wingman will be left behind, which is entirely understood from the beginning. The wingman must have his own transportation home. Car, subway, cab, horse - it doesn't matter.

Here's the Scenario

Gogus olculeri
Two guys enter a bar. They spot two girls. The first task is to decide which guy will go after which girl. This is a crucial decision. The approach and pairing process must be effortless and seemingly inevitable. If one guy is short and stocky, and one girl is likewise short and stocky, the decision is easy. Unless your wingman happens to be Danny DeVito. In that case, Danny chooses whatever girl he wants. In rare instances, a perfect match will be made and all four will go home to someone's apartment and have sex all night and the next morning figure out where the cars are parked. This rarely happens (and I reassured my girlfriend that it never, ever happened to me). It is far more likely that one girl, hopefully your girl, will be interested in going home with you.

But she will never leave her girlfriend behind. The girlfriend must be taken care of. The girlfriend, because her cooperation is vital, must be treated with the highest respect and courtesy. Like a queen. If the girlfriend complains, or refuses to give her consent, the deal is in jeopardy.

Traits of the Wingman

A guy's wingman must be personable, handsome but not too handsome, trustworthy, and willing to entertain the number two choice while you pursue girl number one. A tall order, but a noble and time-honored tradition.

My girlfriend listened with great interest to my story. She then announced that my cynical machinations were appalling, and that she hoped I had never engaged in such predatory behavior. I protested that I was simply passing along stories that I had heard on the Jerry Springer show. We did not have sex that afternoon. Sometimes guys gamble and win, and sometimes we lose.



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What Girls Said 4

  • lol.. I would have given it to you for being honest

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  • "Car, subway, cab, horse - it doesn't matter." HAHA! Golden.

    I completely agree with everything you said and have been a witness and participant. We know what you're up to though and we let you think you're clever with your wingmen and strategies. I've always wondered how/when guys decide who gets what girl though.

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  • Don' t be fooled women do the same thing. There are times when all a woman wants when she goes to the bar is a hot one nighter. When we do this, your "wingman" is a hinderance if our girlfriend isn't into it.

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  • OMG I've been the girl that "The Wingman" had to be with so many times. And I thought those guys actually like me! It makes sense now, you pigs :)

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What Guys Said 12

  • First GaG take I have read and wow. It was absolutely brilliant

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    • The irony here is that you talk about what it takes to be the perfect wingman and It's soo well written that I'll rather have you as a wingman rather than whoever a perfect wingman is.

  • "She then announced that my cynical machinations were appalling, and that she hoped I had never engaged in such predatory behavior." That's like hoping your girlfriend never ever wore makeup, padded bras and dyed hair.

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  • Ohh man. I was not expecting this haha. I loved the dashes of comedy thrown into this psuedo-scientific article. and it was all factual too! bravo sir. bravo.

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  • I couldn't have explained it clearer or more succinctly. You are a Gentleman and a schollar.

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  • Dude, not only did you let your girl know, it's all over the net now >:(

    We need a new codename.

    Keep up the humor!

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  • A wing man? why? there's enough to go around. >3

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  • Crap, guess we didn't think about how the other girl would feel. But maybe there were three girls and only one wingman and you weren't the other girl.

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  • Funny - but of course the guys aren't always only looking for a one night hook-up (even Maverick had his eyes on one particular girl). Girls travel in packs and the wingman cuts down on the disadvantage.

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  • P.S. Here's a secret to tipping generously (while enjoying yourself and not breaking the bank): FUCKING DRINK LESS! Drink half as much as you normally would, and deploy the other half as tips. Don't skimp - that was your drinking money anyway. Giving 100% tips will get you noticed anywhere. (If you ask for plain water (free), tip $2 or $3.) Also you'll be soberer to think and talk, and your liver will thank you down the line. And the bartenders will adore you.

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  • A well written article. The reality is, no "order of battle", no matter how well laid out, survives the first shot fired. Girls throw so many wrenches into the gearworks, and the ones that don't, aren't interesting. Often girls come in flocks of 3 or more, so the two-vs-two rarely plays out. At a bar, you're better off becoming a generously tipping regular, and getting a female bartender to introduce you. Then you can come there by yourself, enjoy, chitchat & not give a shit what people think.

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  • I'll also add that when I'm the wingman if the second girl isn't getting into it I change tactics to acting like an obnoxious jerk to make my friend look better...and I can do it while still separating them

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  • There is the odd occurrence where the hot girl that you're trying to go for goes for your wingman instead, leaving you high and dry.

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