On "nice guys" and players.

Plenty of guys (particularly on this website) claim to be nice guys and that being nice is why they are unsuccessful in dating. They also notice that players are successful with girls and often don't treat them well.

Correlation Isn't Causation.

"Players" Are attractive to girls, either physically or in some other way - if they weren't they wouldn't have any luck with girls. Being attractive enables a guy to be a player, and he doesn't need to be nice or good to do that. It's not that girls particularly want a selfish bastard, it's just that attractive guys attract girls despite that, because they are appealing for other reasons. There's more to a person than being nice...

Basically being attractive is necessary for a guy to a player or a successful bad boy type (that get's with lots of girls), and being so attractive they don't need to worry about pleasing the girls they pursue, or being nice or kind - except perhaps on meeting or occasions when it may be needed to score.

Less attractive men can't get away with being pricks if they expect to have any luck with girls. You may be nice, that isn't why girls don't like you. If you decide to act like asshole that won't make you more attractive, it will just make you unpleasant.

So my advice to guys who think they're unsuccessful because they're "too nice", try thinking about whether there might be another reason girls don't fancy you. You might be able to do something about it. Becoming a misogynist won't help.


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What Girls Said 6

  • Why do people keep having this discussion, a lot of nice guys get nice girlfriends and get married whereas players keep changing women. There is truth in your statemwnt that maybe the problem with guys who are unsuccesful at dating isn't that they're nice but something else. And there aren't just two types of guys, the nice guys and players you keep refering to

    • All I'm meaning is that being nice isn't the problem.

    • Yeah I agree with you on that :)

  • The only reasons many girls go for bad guys is because they usually appear as being the NICE guy! Guys conveniently forget that many players lie, deceit and play kinds of mind games. ALL The guys who have ever broken my heart were dudes who came into my life being the good, nice, kind hearted person... but only after weeks did their true side show and I realize it was fake and just a act... so really... you kind of forget how many girls go into a situation thinking it's a good guy only to end up being played and lied to.

    • Exactly, the bad boys/players are good at coming across as appealing and attractive (not just physically), it's like women go after them go after them wanting to be mistreated.

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    • @circlebill

      I know it might seem difficult to grasp but sometimes guys may come across as being this nice guy on the surface when deep down he might have other motives. It's not just guys. You get plenty of girls who also have hidden agendas. Ever heard of fake people? Now this is no different than any other kind of fake person out there. Plenty of guys have a lot of experience with girls who lead them on too and might play games with them. I see it daily on this website. The last guy I fell for ended up going back to his ex and she was what you'd call the equivalent of the "bad guy". She was the bad girl who always played games with him. Yet he ended it with me only to go back to her. The girl who broke his heart over and over again. So if there's someone who knows what it's like to deal with blows and rejection.. you're looking at that girl.

    • I consider myself a "nice" girl but I know that there's a lot more to it than that. You can't just be nice and expect everyone to fall at your feet. Reality is it takes sooo much more than that to create a lasting bond with someone. Chemistry and compatibility is vital and no amount of niceness can make up for a misaligned connection with someone. I've had to learn that the hard way many times. Lots of nice girls and guys do manage to find partners too. I know lots of "nice" guys who are in happy relationships.

  • You couldn't be more accurate. I feel bad because guys say "wow I'm so nice and you won't even give me a chance come on." Apparently they aren't so nice. People are supposed to be nice for the sake of being nice, not for something in return. If I am not attracted to you, why start a relationship? I can't start a relationship on such shaky ground. If a guy is overly rude, I will force myself to get over him.
    I need someone who I am attracted to, who means well (doesn't have to be FLAWLESS however) and wants to start a relationship with me.

  • I agree with you completely, i think some guys on here are just getting distressed about being categorized.. from a girls point of view you have 100% hit the nail on the head.

    Players just tend to happen to also be the guys that either have great personalities and know how to charm girls and are generally attractive (but don't always have to be if they are charming enough). Players ooze confidence which is very attractive as well, as it makes him appear really interested in you.

    You can get nice guys/non players that are attractive too but if they are quiet or shy, then they become less attractive, and can often appear as not being interested in you, which usually tends to be the reason they're dont get a lot of girls.

    Guys that are ugly/not great looking can still be players if they are funny or charming, basically if they can play their cards right.

    I guess a lot of "nice guys" happen to be quite dull and boring which is why their not successful. Nice alone isn't good enough alone, you need to also be fun and exciting. If they were cool, sociable, and fun then I would never turn one down. I 100% bet however that if this were the case, they would eventually turn into being a player... because, why wouldn't you?

    I think it is normal/healthy for guys to have a period of time in their lives where they can just 'have fun'. it can even end up making them better lovers as eventually they work out what it is exactly that they want.

  • This was the greatest thing ever!

  • No way a guy wrote this. You thoroughly understand why girls reject "nice" guys.

    "Less attractive men can't get away with being pricks if they expect to have any luck with girls. You may be nice, that isn't why girls don't like you. If you decide to act like asshole that won't make you more attractive, it will just make you unpleasant"
    - I cannot say it any better than this.

    I also agree that attractive guys can be players because they're attractive. They get a lot of chicks based on looks. An unattractive guy has to bring something else to the table.

    • "No way a guy wrote this. You thoroughly understand why girls reject "nice" guys." I guess I could take that as a compliment... Anyway, I assure you I am.

      Good to see someone agrees with me, it's a shame more girls haven't commented, it'd be good to have their perspective/opinion on this.

What Guys Said 17

  • True...0. but many girls have the 'daddy image' tucked away somewhere in their brains and daddy wasn't always a nice guy.

    When falling in love they'll tend to think about that daddy image.

  • Guys need to get this idea that girls like nice guys out of their head.

  • I don't quite agree with your statement:

    "You may be nice, that isn't why girls don't like you."

    If a man shows a lot of kindness to a woman, It can cause MAJOR problems! Many women almost automatically take kindness for weakness! Just like that, the man becomes UNATTRACTIVE in a woman's eyes! After all, any sign of weakness is automatically UNATTRACTIVE! The woman might like the very kind man as a friend, but it stops there. You can be tall, athletic and movie star handsome! Being too nice makes you NOT a man in a silly woman's eyes! A lot of kindness destroys the whole "swag" confidence and dominance thing! This is the only flaw I see in the take!

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    • cont. In other words, girls DO go for assholes even if it's not their concious, reasoned choice!

    • I agree completely with your last statement! "[girls DO go for assholes even if it's not their concious, reasoned choice!". It's female hormone fogged "thinking" at work!

  • Im going to put this as plainly and as simply and... probably "nicely" as i can.
    You're an Idiot.
    Dude, you have NO idea about the concept of Nice guys and Players. Sooo many guys will tell you that you are wrong. Just goes to show that you haven't been a player before. If you have, or think you have then you'll understand when I tell you that it all depends on fishing. If you don't understand that analogy, please refrain from Takes like this. You can't speak from a "nice guy" perspective about "players"... doesn't work that way. it takes one to know one.

    • Best you can do? Might want to work on that...

      "Dude, you have NO idea about the concept of Nice guys and Players."

      So a nice guys ins't a guy who thinks he gets rejected because he's too nice? A player's not a succesful womaniser? What are they then?

      I never claimed (or implied) that I have been or am a player - that you didn't pick up my derision for them shows just how great your comprehension skills are.

      Did I ever imply players have a 100% success rate? Or say anything inconsistent with their strategy being to approach every girl they're willing to jump. Being attractive/appealing to the girls (in some sense, not just physically) is what allows players to be players. Some guys could fish without ever get anywhere near enough bites to be a player.

      I'm speaking objectively, this isn't meant to be a "nice guy" perspective. What bull shit anyway. Only players can grasp the concepts, hey? I think we know what you're grasping.

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    • didn't have to explain it to him... @MarkyyG123 ... :(

    • Haha sorry Buddy, but you never know mate, you never know

  • This is completely backwards.

    "Players" are socially gregarious. It overshadows their attractiveness.

    "Nice Guys" are socially inept. It exemplifies their attractiveness.

    The more attractive you are the less socially apt you can be.

    • ""Players" Are attractive to girls, either physically or in some other way"

      That includes being charismatic/charming and so on. I wasn't talking about only physical attractiveness, and I made that explicitly clear.

      ""Nice Guys" are socially inept. It exemplifies their attractiveness."

      Exemplifies? What are you trying to say? Being socially inept makes someone less attractive. (As I said, attraction isn't just physical.)

      What is completely backwards? What I could understand of the rest of your comment is consistent with what I wrote.

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    • The fact that you do not understand does not equate a lack of explanation. I cannot compensate for your failures.

    • The assemblage of statements is not equivalent to an explanation. What you have said doesn't make sense, you seem unable to make it make sense.

      A side note: You might want to look up 'exemplifies' before you try to use it again. This discussion exemplifies that you don't know what it means.

  • First of all, girls will NEVER tell you the truth regarding this matter. They don't want to seem insensitive.

    Nice guys finish last (and really never in my book) because they have to wait until they're 40-55 when all the divorced women out there give up chasing "the grass is greener on the other side" idea.

    I have a good amount of friends, 9 out of 10 are assholes. 9 out of ten have girlfriends. Take a guess why the 10th one doesn't have one.

    "being nice is why they are unsuccessful in dating." -

    This is only part of a complex problem these guys are having. One aspect.

    "players are successful with girls and often don't treat them well." -

    This has a definite ring of truth to it.

    "Basically being attractive is necessary for a guy to a player or a successful bad boy type" -

    Eeeernt (buzzer), wrong. Any average guy who takes care of himself can be a player. You don't have to be good looking.

    "Less attractive men can't get away with being pricks if they expect to have any luck with girls. " -

    Wrong again. SOOOoooooo wrong.

    "try thinking about whether there might be another reason girls don't fancy you." -

    Best thing you wrote. Very true.

  • My take on this subject is better. Unlike this take's author I do not simply regurgitate what I read on Jezebel, I actually reject this stereotype completely because it is so vague it can apply to ANY man. It has become nothing but an excuse for trolls to attack men who they paint as "acceptable targets" with this label. This also stereotypes all women as being shallow, reaffirming some men's misogynistic beliefs, and causes the men who don't hate women to be constantly accused of misogyny by the women who have bought into this "nice guy" stereotype, which only widens the divide between genders.

    • I've never read Jezebel. So not useful?

  • The thing about "Nice guys" is if you identify yourself as a "Nice guy" you probably aren't a particularly attractive guy not just in looks but you have nothing to offer you're not popular or an athlete which is important in highschool or you don't have a good job which is important later in life so girls have no interest in you because you're a loser. That's why nice guys finish last...

  • I think... know this is somewhat bullshit. Yes if you are very obese or very ugly then its unattractive. But I see mediocre men with some hot girls and I also see some overweight men with hot women too. My one mate just landed himself thee hottie of the group and he is pretty overweight. Then my "dating guru" has bedded over a 100 women and is always meeting new ones. He was never a jock or popular guy. He loves cars and going to the races and has a bit of a tummy. He is proof that skill and confidence play more than looks. I on the other hand suffer from BDD so I do gym all the time and am getting many compliments lately (I don't know what to even do with it) but I get no women. There are cobwebs in my undies lol

    • I don't say it was only physical attraction that distinguishes them, they might be more attractive in other ways to.

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    • @Jewluminazi what does that mean? Im not saying I live by any "rules", "opinions" "takes" etc on here. I make my OWN rules & I learn from my own mistakes but what he wrote I so happen to agree with it. As a girl my opinion holds lots of weight. Dont u think I've turn down guys who think being nice is all it takes for a girl to like them?

    • Lol... gender war? I'm hiding under the tables as we speak, using my torch for SOS signals in the dark. Man, it's not stuff I made up, I see it, objectively, everyday. I am king of the friendship zone and have had a terrible love life and what gets me is that I see pretty girls with guys uglier than me (and also financially worse too). So I know the looks thing especially is a write off. Again only if you seriously ugly or obese then it may count. I feel sorry for nice guys that fit the bill of Nice Guy Syndrome. They... me... actually have a personality disorder due to poor childhoods or over-caring parents.

  • Interesting read.

  • To a certain extent this is true. I think a lot of guys have been raised to be too nice, and actually act more like doormats. So the guy's attitude does need to change, but not like he thinks.

    It doesn't help when girls talk shit about there boyfriends, and give the impression that she is dating an asshole, just because her boyfriend isn't some weakling that always let's her have her way. I think these two things are really confusing a lot of guys that are basically taught that not being a doormat is the same as being an asshole.

    I personally like the bad boy, nice guy, good man comparison. It helps to show that a man can be strong, and not be a bad boy that mistreats women.

  • Good points here.

    I can guarantee you a fat, ugly guy won't start magically getting girls just cause he decides to adopt a "bad boy attitude."

    Time to face the music fellas. Looks DO matter to guys. Learn to deal with it. Cause I can guarantee you, looks DO matter to us guys as well. We chase ass and tits all the time.

    And I can promise you, some guys are willing to put up with a LOT of shitty attitude and bullshit, so long as the girl is hot. It's the same thing for a player and women.

    • Time to face the music fellas. Looks DO matter to girls.*

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    • @ManuelMarquez

      Yup. That is correct.

    • I think guy's these days are more open minded in terms of finding a girl based on looks meaning if the girl is at least okay looking more less so the guys are willing to date them but with girls they have the advantage of picking so they may have different standards

  • Ok well I get your point very good one in most cases. On the other hand you do have good guys who are attractive that just want a good long term relationship with a beautiful woman but she's too busy with the jacka**** for mentioned. or you get in a serious relationship with one that then decides well I wanna be with Joe down the road who can't hold a job is uglier than dirt is an alcoholic who talks down to women? Can you explain that to me?

    • Maybe he's got a 10" dick?

  • The whole rejecting guys cause their nice is bull because in reality they are just rejecting them cause most of them aren't hot.

    • Pretty much. Check out my take on this subject. Unlike this asshat I don't just perpetuate stereotypes, I try to destroy them...

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    • @Jewluminazi "The whole rejecting guys cause their nice is bull because in reality they are just rejecting them cause most of them aren't hot." This more or less summarises what I wrote, how can you agree with him and then go on to claim I somehow I have widely different view?

    • If you replace 'hot' with 'appealing' (so that it's not limited to physical attraction - there are others aspects) then what he said is more or less a summary of what I'm saying.

  • The "nice guys" are just guys who put the p*ssy on a pedestal. Girls want guys who are nice to everyone.

  • Players display confidence. Thats what girls look for in a guy

  • That's the same thing which I think.