We've all encountered somebody or been that somebody who is seeking a relationship. Perhaps this is somebody who is out every night trying to meet the right person for them. Perhaps this is the person who is trying to overcome a setback of heartbreak by dating other people to "move on". Either way, we’re all familiar with this character, and certainly we’ve all been them at one point or another, perhaps even no.w.
Let’s begin by clarifying that wanting a relationship or to date does NOT make you desperate or pathetic. You are a human, humans need connection and love to survive. It does NOT suggest you are a loser. It does NOT reflect your character or your value as a person. All it does is reflect perhaps a few bad habits you’ve adopted (don’t worry we’ll talk about those here), or the lack of time and focus for dating in your life. As we think about why you are single, I’d like you to honestly answer to yourself one question: Do I really want to be with somebody? If the answer is yes and you’re still going to bed alone, or with strangers, then let’s talk about it. Here’s why this might be happening:
1. You’re flashing a "Do Not Disturb" sign.
You know yourself well and you may know deep down how lovely and caring you, and that you are seeking somebody to love. But your exterior may not be sending those same messages to the outside world. People are not mind readers unfortunately. Looking at you is not going to result in someone seeing your heart and the true goodness within you. They only see what is physically there and happening. They only hear what you SAY, not what you think.
So stop and think that perhaps you are that person who is always busy? Maybe you’re working a full time job that steps into 50 hours a week territory, maybe you’re chatting up everyone in social settings and making so many plans that any newcomer is just overwhelmed by how poppin’ your social life is…surely there can’t be any room there for a stranger like me can it? Or maybe you are on the opposite end of the spectrum, you are anti social and hate talking to people so you go out and about and do your thing, follow your comfortable routine, talk to who you know and leave it at that. Sounds comfortable… but it won’t get you that cutie you desire. Why? Well, because people who look anti social or too busy are often the people we don’t like to approach. We assume that you either are not interested in us, or you have someone and thus you aren’t even glancing in our direction cause your focus is to get it done and go home to your lover. Either way… we can’t read your mind and if you see busy, moody, withdrawn, too serious… we WILL assume you are either taken or too busy and not interested, and then it’s BYE FELICIA to you.
2. You're not actually approaching anyone
Now you may have directed all your energy into trying to draw a lover into your life that you fail to see that you haven’t actually physically DONE anything to get them. While playing hard to get may make things fun for a bit, or it may make you feel interesting and desirable… the truth is “ain’t nobody got time for that” anymore. Unless you have developed some Matilda like powers of the mind, you will probably not be able to draw a lover in simply by wanting one. You need to mingle. But the key is to MINGLE with all sorts of people and not just that one hot babe you want right now. Sure, maybe that is your soul mate, but if you are solely focused on her/him, you will waste so much time and opportunities to get to know people and make connections. It’s important to approach people as well in order to PRACTICE your skills. The more approaches or conversations you go through, the better you get and the more at ease you are. Thus you will be able to talk to any hottie.
Now don’t worry, I understand your precious little soul… You’re probably thinking, well I’m a catch why aren’t they approaching me if they’re really wanting me. Well, probably the same reason you’re not approaching them. See how it goes? We are all nervous, we all worry it’ll go wrong but even if it does.. why do you care that this stranger has said no? They don’t know you and how awesome you are, they’re ignorant and clearly not good enough for you. So just go at it, if you’re “rejected” simply steer the course and find someone else who will see how cute and special you are. Your looks or personality are just excuses you use to talk yourself out of approaching people. Instead of thinking about it, just do it.. do it before you can make an excuse as to why you can’t do it. Like taking a leap with a blindfold on, you don’t know where you’ll land but you do it anyway and enjoy the thrill. Assumptions are all around. You have to put yourself out there in order to get anywhere.
3. You're DESPERATE
This is a term that a lot of people throw around as if it’s the Ebola of the dating world. How could I possibly go after him/her oh my goodness I don’t want to scare them off ahhhh!!!..... And so forth. You need to STOP and breathe. What desperation in the dating world really equates to is putting all your eggs in one basket. Sure the basket may be cute, but that’s a lot of eggs it has to carry. You know? You may overwhelm this basket with how much weight it has to carry.
Metaphors and analogies aside, when you are so focused on getting a girlfriend or boyfriend you may not realize how you come across. You come across as someone who doesn’t value or respect themselves, someone who is not acting as if THEY are the true catch and not their object of affection. Do YOU think that’s attractive? Would YOU want to date someone who asked you daily if they were pretty and if the answer was not a resounding carefully worded yes, their day and life would be ruined and it would be all your fault? (Okay, maybe that’s dramatic but you know the feeling). As much as we love ourselves deep down, when somebody seems to have laser vision focus on us, it overwhelms us. We start to feel responsible for this person’s happiness and mood…we start to feel like we are constantly being watched (creepy).. we start to feel suffocated, and really that’s where it all goes wrong. Give us time to miss you, and we will. You are someone we should miss, you’re pretty cool, you know?
You need to stop seeking validation from others. Not getting a date for the upcoming weekend does not mean you aren’t desirable, it just means the person you should’ve been on a date with was on the other side of town this week. Don’t sweat it. There’s no TIMELINE, you are NOT running out of TIME. You are simply discovering the possibilities of who to date. So don’t call them before they’re out the door after they’ve given you their number. Don’t harass them with 5 texts in a row confirming your date. Let it unfold naturally. Unless you have a terrible illness and are dying within the week, there should be no RUSH in dating. You need to be PICKY because YOU are WORTH IT as well. Why would you give so much importance to some other bastard when you are a pretty damn hot one yourself? They need to work a little for you too, it’s a push and pull, not a tug of war to painfully land on your bottom at the end. Approach dating like a baking experiment, throw in some ingredients and see what comes out. Do NOT treat it like you have to cook a 12 course meal for the president in an hour. Chill, man.
4. You want to date a serial killer
Hey, we don’t judge or discriminate here! Your type is your type eh….But really, one of the main reasons people are single is because well… they don’t leave their house. Do you expect your lover to show up at your door and say ‘hey here I am let’s get it on!’? Because unless you are seeking a robber, murderer or other sort of criminal..chances of meeting your lover at YOUR HOUSE, are a little slim…
Sure I get it, you are shy or tired or live in a small town. But these are all LAME excuses you are giving yourself because you’re too lazy to actually seek a lover. If you don’t want to date and would rather stay in your house then go ahead. But if you DO want to date, then you gotta spruce up your little sexy self and go out and mingle! Please refer to point numero dos (2) for a special section on mingling. Now I’m not saying go out and party it up every night, but something as simple as going to the grocery store already increases your chances significantly of meeting a cute person. Simply by BEING THERE. Show up, we’re waiting for you. (Not in a creepy way or anything, we’re just soul mates okay).
5. You don't actually know what you want
Maybe you are doing everything I’ve talked about. Maybe you are social and lovely and go on a ton of dates. Yet you’re reading this you single ol’ chap…
Perhaps the problem then is not that you’re not meeting people… it’s that you’re not meeting the RIGHT people. For instance let’s say that I am single, and I love pizza and Mozart classics on any given night. Yet I’m going to the gym to meet guys, and hang out at bars on the weekend. So I end up dating body builders who only eat kale salad for lunch with a piece of boiled chicken, and listen to rap music 24/7. Do you think I’d sustain a relationship for long with these various lifestyle differences? Possibly… but it’s slim chances. See, you have to date people you click with not simply people who are hot or people are dare I say it…there. (You’re not that desperate, you can wait until you find someone suitable to you).
In the other instance, let’s say you are dating a ton but you aren’t really meeting boyfriend or girlfriend material. You need to ask yourself, why are you going out with these people? In general, unless you are dating strangers and within one minute getting their number… you would be establishing common ground with people prior to your date. Thus, you go on dates with people you have SOMETHING in common with, and then build on that connection. In order to really find the common ground though, you need to know what you like and who you are, yourself. Try and think of 5 things about your personality you enjoy. Now keeping those in mind, think about what other kind of personality would be suited to you. Then again try this for your interests, what kind of person would you need to complement you so you are not SACRIFICING yourself or your hobbies for a relationship. When you figure out what you are and what you like, it gets easier to sift through the dating pool and thus actually meet a keeper.
Now there is a million more things I could say about dating and why you are still single. But chances are at the root of it is one of the five aforementioned situations. OR, the simplest and yet hardest answer of all… it’s just not the RIGHT TIME. Yes, timing is everything in dating. Maybe you are not in a place where you are ready, though you feel you are, to be with somebody. It’s easy to confuse wanting to be loved/love somebody with being READY to do that. Think of all the hard stuff dating entails, is this something you are ready for or would you need to bend over backwards for this?
The bottom line is, you are single not because of who you are… it’s simply a few bad habits you picked up along the way. Don’t let for one second being “alone” affect your perception of yourself. You will not be single for life, guarantee you that, even if you look like a troll (which none of you do), there is somebody who will want to get frisky with you. Your personality is your selling point. Cultivate it. Develop an identity that you have all on your own, and then carve out a hole for some cutie to join you in that life. Dating should be fun, not a race or a competition to the finish line. There’s no need to rush. You can be single at 65 and single at 15… it’s all about your individual timing and your desire to truly be open to the possibilities. GO GET EM… or don’t, it’s really up to you.