Why You're Still Single... And Why It Doesn't Matter

We've all encountered somebody or been that somebody who is seeking a relationship. Perhaps this is somebody who is out every night trying to meet the right person for them. Perhaps this is the person who is trying to overcome a setback of heartbreak by dating other people to "move on". Either way, we’re all familiar with this character, and certainly we’ve all been them at one point or another, perhaps even no.Why You're Still Single... And Why It Doesn't Matterw.

Let’s begin by clarifying that wanting a relationship or to date does NOT make you desperate or pathetic. You are a human, humans need connection and love to survive. It does NOT suggest you are a loser. It does NOT reflect your character or your value as a person. All it does is reflect perhaps a few bad habits you’ve adopted (don’t worry we’ll talk about those here), or the lack of time and focus for dating in your life. As we think about why you are single, I’d like you to honestly answer to yourself one question: Do I really want to be with somebody? If the answer is yes and you’re still going to bed alone, or with strangers, then let’s talk about it. Here’s why this might be happening:


1. You’re flashing a "Do Not Disturb" sign.

You know yourself well and you may know deep down how lovely and caring you, and that you are seeking somebody to love. But your exterior may not be sending those same messages to the outside world. People are not mind readers unfortunately. Looking at you is not going to result in someone seeing your heart and the true goodness within you. They only see what is physically there and happening. They only hear what you SAY, not what you think.

So stop and think that perhaps you are that person who is always busy? Maybe you’re working a full time job that steps into 50 hours a week territory, maybe you’re chatting up everyone in social settings and making so many plans that any newcomer is just overwhelmed by how poppin’ your social life is…surely there can’t be any room there for a stranger like me can it? Or maybe you are on the opposite end of the spectrum, you are anti social and hate talking to people so you go out and about and do your thing, follow your comfortable routine, talk to who you know and leave it at that. Sounds comfortable… but it won’t get you that cutie you desire. Why? Well, because people who look anti social or too busy are often the people we don’t like to approach. We assume that you either are not interested in us, or you have someone and thus you aren’t even glancing in our direction cause your focus is to get it done and go home to your lover. Either way… we can’t read your mind and if you see busy, moody, withdrawn, too serious… we WILL assume you are either taken or too busy and not interested, and then it’s BYE FELICIA to you.

2. You're not actually approaching anyone

Now you may have directed all your energy into trying to draw a lover into your life that you fail to see that you haven’t actually physically DONE anything to get them. While playing hard to get may make things fun for a bit, or it may make you feel interesting and desirable… the truth is “ain’t nobody got time for that” anymore. Unless you have developed some Matilda like powers of the mind, you will probably not be able to draw a lover in simply by wanting one. You need to mingle. But the key is to MINGLE with all sorts of people and not just that one hot babe you want right now. Sure, maybe that is your soul mate, but if you are solely focused on her/him, you will waste so much time and opportunities to get to know people and make connections. It’s important to approach people as well in order to PRACTICE your skills. The more approaches or conversations you go through, the better you get and the more at ease you are. Thus you will be able to talk to any hottie.

Now don’t worry, I understand your precious little soul… You’re probably thinking, well I’m a catch why aren’t they approaching me if they’re really wanting me. Well, probably the same reason you’re not approaching them. See how it goes? We are all nervous, we all worry it’ll go wrong but even if it does.. why do you care that this stranger has said no? They don’t know you and how awesome you are, they’re ignorant and clearly not good enough for you. So just go at it, if you’re “rejected” simply steer the course and find someone else who will see how cute and special you are. Your looks or personality are just excuses you use to talk yourself out of approaching people. Instead of thinking about it, just do it.. do it before you can make an excuse as to why you can’t do it. Like taking a leap with a blindfold on, you don’t know where you’ll land but you do it anyway and enjoy the thrill. Assumptions are all around. You have to put yourself out there in order to get anywhere.

3. You're DESPERATE

This is a term that a lot of people throw around as if it’s the Ebola of the dating world. How could I possibly go after him/her oh my goodness I don’t want to scare them off ahhhh!!!..... And so forth. You need to STOP and breathe. What desperation in the dating world really equates to is putting all your eggs in one basket. Sure the basket may be cute, but that’s a lot of eggs it has to carry. You know? You may overwhelm this basket with how much weight it has to carry.

Metaphors and analogies aside, when you are so focused on getting a girlfriend or boyfriend you may not realize how you come across. You come across as someone who doesn’t value or respect themselves, someone who is not acting as if THEY are the true catch and not their object of affection. Do YOU think that’s attractive? Would YOU want to date someone who asked you daily if they were pretty and if the answer was not a resounding carefully worded yes, their day and life would be ruined and it would be all your fault? (Okay, maybe that’s dramatic but you know the feeling). As much as we love ourselves deep down, when somebody seems to have laser vision focus on us, it overwhelms us. We start to feel responsible for this person’s happiness and mood…we start to feel like we are constantly being watched (creepy).. we start to feel suffocated, and really that’s where it all goes wrong. Give us time to miss you, and we will. You are someone we should miss, you’re pretty cool, you know?

You need to stop seeking validation from others. Not getting a date for the upcoming weekend does not mean you aren’t desirable, it just means the person you should’ve been on a date with was on the other side of town this week. Don’t sweat it. There’s no TIMELINE, you are NOT running out of TIME. You are simply discovering the possibilities of who to date. So don’t call them before they’re out the door after they’ve given you their number. Don’t harass them with 5 texts in a row confirming your date. Let it unfold naturally. Unless you have a terrible illness and are dying within the week, there should be no RUSH in dating. You need to be PICKY because YOU are WORTH IT as well. Why would you give so much importance to some other bastard when you are a pretty damn hot one yourself? They need to work a little for you too, it’s a push and pull, not a tug of war to painfully land on your bottom at the end. Approach dating like a baking experiment, throw in some ingredients and see what comes out. Do NOT treat it like you have to cook a 12 course meal for the president in an hour. Chill, man.

4. You want to date a serial killer

Hey, we don’t judge or discriminate here! Your type is your type eh….But really, one of the main reasons people are single is because well… they don’t leave their house. Do you expect your lover to show up at your door and say ‘hey here I am let’s get it on!’? Because unless you are seeking a robber, murderer or other sort of criminal..chances of meeting your lover at YOUR HOUSE, are a little slim…

Sure I get it, you are shy or tired or live in a small town. But these are all LAME excuses you are giving yourself because you’re too lazy to actually seek a lover. If you don’t want to date and would rather stay in your house then go ahead. But if you DO want to date, then you gotta spruce up your little sexy self and go out and mingle! Please refer to point numero dos (2) for a special section on mingling. Now I’m not saying go out and party it up every night, but something as simple as going to the grocery store already increases your chances significantly of meeting a cute person. Simply by BEING THERE. Show up, we’re waiting for you. (Not in a creepy way or anything, we’re just soul mates okay).

5. You don't actually know what you want

Maybe you are doing everything I’ve talked about. Maybe you are social and lovely and go on a ton of dates. Yet you’re reading this you single ol’ chap…

Perhaps the problem then is not that you’re not meeting people… it’s that you’re not meeting the RIGHT people. For instance let’s say that I am single, and I love pizza and Mozart classics on any given night. Yet I’m going to the gym to meet guys, and hang out at bars on the weekend. So I end up dating body builders who only eat kale salad for lunch with a piece of boiled chicken, and listen to rap music 24/7. Do you think I’d sustain a relationship for long with these various lifestyle differences? Possibly… but it’s slim chances. See, you have to date people you click with not simply people who are hot or people are dare I say it…there. (You’re not that desperate, you can wait until you find someone suitable to you).

In the other instance, let’s say you are dating a ton but you aren’t really meeting boyfriend or girlfriend material. You need to ask yourself, why are you going out with these people? In general, unless you are dating strangers and within one minute getting their number… you would be establishing common ground with people prior to your date. Thus, you go on dates with people you have SOMETHING in common with, and then build on that connection. In order to really find the common ground though, you need to know what you like and who you are, yourself. Try and think of 5 things about your personality you enjoy. Now keeping those in mind, think about what other kind of personality would be suited to you. Then again try this for your interests, what kind of person would you need to complement you so you are not SACRIFICING yourself or your hobbies for a relationship. When you figure out what you are and what you like, it gets easier to sift through the dating pool and thus actually meet a keeper.

Now there is a million more things I could say about dating and why you are still single. But chances are at the root of it is one of the five aforementioned situations. OR, the simplest and yet hardest answer of all… it’s just not the RIGHT TIME. Yes, timing is everything in dating. Maybe you are not in a place where you are ready, though you feel you are, to be with somebody. It’s easy to confuse wanting to be loved/love somebody with being READY to do that. Think of all the hard stuff dating entails, is this something you are ready for or would you need to bend over backwards for this?

The bottom line is, you are single not because of who you are… it’s simply a few bad habits you picked up along the way. Don’t let for one second being “alone” affect your perception of yourself. You will not be single for life, guarantee you that, even if you look like a troll (which none of you do), there is somebody who will want to get frisky with you. Your personality is your selling point. Cultivate it. Develop an identity that you have all on your own, and then carve out a hole for some cutie to join you in that life. Dating should be fun, not a race or a competition to the finish line. There’s no need to rush. You can be single at 65 and single at 15… it’s all about your individual timing and your desire to truly be open to the possibilities. GO GET EM… or don’t, it’s really up to you.


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What Guys Said 15

  • I have aspergers syndrome. Even just the simple approach of asking a question sends me into anxiety ticks. I've even had anxiety episodes from just reaching out for hugs. How can I even ask a woman out if I can't even say hi?

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  • haha this is a very good read. As someone who travels a lot and lacks the time I felt like reading myself with these points.

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  • Regarding number 5, I can totally relate. I've dated a lot of people from dating sites and it's been frustrating because I attract them initially but none of them have led to anything serious and the one time I did think I was getting into a relationship, I ended up being used as a rebound and this was with someone I had a ton in common with.

    It's like I multi date and find certain ones that I do have a lot in common with, but they flake after 1-4 dates. I'm not desperate for a relationship but it is ultimately what I want. I try to take things slow and play it by ear but it still hasn't worked out to my advantage. It's like I don't know if I'm coming on too strong or not coming on strong enough. I know my appearance isn't the issue but it's like I don't know if I have some personality flaw or I said something that weirds or creeps them out. Without blaming women entirely, I take responsibility for my actions but I wanna change my approach but I don't know what to change. I'm not gonna pretend to be something I'm not to impress women.

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  • i am single, mainly because i have never been in love. is this normal? i have never felt anything for anyone and i see everyone around me getting girl/boyfriends i get frustrated :S

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  • I'm single because i'm little bit shy, when i'm around girls i say stupid things, when i go out i just go to some quiet places, i really hate places when they'r a lot of people, and where i live there are too much gold diggers, a lot of girls says i'm a real gentlemen, and theb i get friend-zoned.

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  • I guess for me it's because i'am shy and don't really go out that much. From the girls i'am with they all call me very nice and a gentlemen. I really want to start looking for a girl but i don't really fit the "club scene" and i'am not sure what girl do cause in my city all the girls just hit up the clubs.

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  • 2 and 3 obviously apply to guys more than girls, number 3 frustrates me the most, it feels like a damn annoying paradox, like damned if you do and damned if you don't, it's that fragile, delicate, fine line between being assertive, going after what you want, pursuing, and at the same time, not being needy or desperate.

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  • This is a lovely thread. Well written!!

    I agree. I would also add that you might be inexperienced and waiting to meet someone you connect with. Also you may not actually be in an environment where there are girls you either find attractive or like their personality. Sometimes, some uni courses just don't have nice people on them (guys or girls) full stop and it takes time to meet people.

    Good take. Could you help me on mine pls? I am confused about this girl - I am single: www.girlsaskguys.com/.../q1370383-is-this-flirty-female-friend-into-me-am-i-into-her-why-do-i

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  • 1 and 2 are my greatest problems :(((

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  • Very, very good take. Well written and you raise some very good point. Well done!

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  • no need to hurry. just waiting the true girl

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  • I wanna be the guy from the picture.

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  • "wanting a relationship or to date does NOT make you desperate or pathetic. You are a human, humans need connection and love to survive. It does NOT suggest you are a loser. It does NOT reflect your character or your value as a person."

    "You know yourself well and you may know deep down how lovely and caring you, and that you are seeking somebody to love. But your exterior may not be sending those same messages to the outside world. People are not mind readers unfortunately."

    "You're not actually approaching anyone"

    "Your looks or personality are just excuses you use to talk yourself out of approaching people."

    "main reasons people are single is because well… they don’t leave their house."

    "Sure I get it, you are shy or tired or live in a small town. But these are all LAME excuses"

    ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Best Lines I have ever read on GAG^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

    3.bp.blogspot.com/.../the-rock-clapping.gif

    One more good thing is that, it's not just about being single, it's also about being alone

    i1.kym-cdn.com/.../...__by_projectendo-d2z3pbc.jpg

    If not the best then it is certainly the second best myTake I have read so far!!
    Thank you, upood. ^_^

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  • Magnificent take. One of the best I've read!! Unless your making an effort to change your relationship status from single to taken, you really shouldn't worry or feel any strong emotion.

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  • What about just being unlucky, i find myself flirting and trying to chat up various girls who all seem to share at least one interest of mine (not being a player just talking to people when i can) and i can't even get to a first date stage, they either pull the "i'm not interested in you" card or the "oh i'm with someone now; when they weren't before" card

    or my personal favourite "I already have a bf"

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    • Keep trying, some girls have a type and maybe you just don't fit into it, it doesn't matter what you say while flirting it isn't your problem/fault, it's just the girl wants something different, try a change of scenery or a different 'type" of girl yourself and see how it goes. Some people are not all they appear to be on the outside! Also your location may the an issue, where do you meet them? If it's bars, then girls are a little less open to really "dating" lets say, bars are more for a fun time not marriage kinda thing... try maybe frequent a gym, or a coffee shop or something and meet people.

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    • Aw man that sucks. Maybe wait a bit then until you can either move or new people come lol. you're young so you have time and options, you just gotta look around a bit. try maybe online dating? is there tinder in your area? lol

    • tried online dating, doesn't get me anyway, been on it since i was 18 and only go 1 date out of it

What Girls Said 11

  • Ok well I am in a community college and I have trouble making friends or meeting people because I go sr8 home and to school. I don't know would it be werid if I randomly started talking to a person. I want make firends and once I do that maybe go on a date. I find myself at home all the time and sometimes I really don't want to be home but I don't have any where to be. I mean what should I do to be more social. I need to do this for my health sake.

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    • So, what should I do to put myself out there in the world where I can interact with people?

    • Talk to the people in your class? You have a reason... homework, exam etc. try to form a study group or talk about a test or something and make friends through that?

      Go to a coffee shop or gym near/at your college, it's bound to be full of people. once you become a regular somewhere you start talking to people and they start talking to you. Put yourself out there haha

    • Awe thank and this take felt like you were talk right at me. Thsnks

  • because all American guys are losers. and all the rest of the world is following them.

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  • Brilliant. Witty. Encouraging.

    Love it.

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  • I totally want a serial killer. so dreamy no. That's weird. It does feel nice to have a man but you need a break for a little bit... or awhile i don't know what your like >.>

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  • Umm number 6 you choose to be lol

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  • Best take I have ever read. A few of those fit me. Then there's some that were not mentioned, oh well. I've never had a boyfriend but I already figured out not to rush myself. I see too many people just date for the sake of saying they're in a relationship and not for love. Then they wonder why there's so much drama in their lives.

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  • this take seems to be describing you more then anyone out there who happens to be single. non of this fits in with anyone whos single and it feels more like this is why you are single. i know im single cause i dont trust people. not cause of these non logic reasons. smh

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  • my resion why I'm single is because I'm not fit to handle a reletionship all because I'm specilneeds and a reletionship would be hard for me that's why I'm single but I also like being single because I get to do my own thing

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  • I have all of the above problems besides the 'desperate thing'. I wish I could change it but nah..:)

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  • I wish I hadn't wasted as much time as I did trying to meet Mr. Right. It's so much better focusing on your life, and accomplishing things for yourself. That way you've built yourself up and you don't need anyone else for your happy ending.

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  • I've been rejected a lot for my looks. A couple guys I work with set me up on a blind date with a guy who hasn't had a girlfriend. He's shy like me. He just turned 36 a few months ago. They thought since I'm 28 and I've never had a relationship we would be a good match. I agreed and so did he. So we went on this blind date recently. Just like all the men before him, he didn't want me because I'm ugly. I asked my coworkers later what happened because we seemed to get along. They wouldn't tell me at first. I told them I needed to know if it was my personality or my looks. Personality can be worked on. They confirmed that it was my looks. This happens to me ALL the time. Also I definitely don't have high standards. Only one man I've actually been attracted to the rest I wasn't but they were in my league.

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    • Awe that F up!

    • I meet a pretty ugly bootom of the barrel girl and she's had a LOT of sex and is married with two kids and she keeps cheating on her husband... wrap your head around that. Maybe hit the gym and get a killer body like she did (anyone can do this) remeber "don't cry over boys, do squats and make them cry over rejecting that ass" <

    • @kidanis I am thin. I work out everyday and I eat healthy. It's not my body that is the problem. The problem is my face is extremely masculine, and most guys are turned off by that. One guy even said he'd feel gay kissing a woman like me because my face looks so manly. I do what I can to make it more feminine but unfortunately I inherited all of my fathers masculine features. If you take a photo of him at my age and my photo we look basically alike except my eyes and I have long hair.

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