So it started out with one guy, and damn did I really care about him. We were together everyday. His best friend's girlfriend became my best friend, we were oddly comfortable around each other and we weren't dating. But then, some bullshit happened and he started ignoring everyone and acting like a jerk. We got in a bad argument and he pushed me away.
His best friend, well his best friend broke up with his girlfriend and we started hanging out. Despite my best efforts not to fall for him, I did. We've been together now for almost 6 months. He's been in jail for two now. Oh lord, once your not there to defend yourself, boy do people spill your secrets. I found out he had been cheating on me. Not with just any girl tho, you see this chick I have history with. Let's just say I've never had a conversation with her, but she has been torturing me since 7th grade in 2007. I switched schools, we graduated, she always still found a way to hurt me. Then she sleeps with the only man I fell in love with.
Well, little to say I was heartbroken, hurt, I completely fell apart. Ruined things I worked months on achieving. I slept for days, didn't eat, or shower, I didn't get out of bed. I was in physical pain from a broken heart.
The guy I told you about first, well he found out. Apperently he did still care about me. He came over, even tho I haven't seen him in months, and he dragged me out if bed and threw me in the shower. He put me back together, he made me happy finally, and made the pain go away. I hated my boyfriend, oh how I wanted to hurt him. I couldn't stand the thought of what he did to me when I did everything for him. I never did anything to hurt him, always took care of him and he took care of me. He begged me to stay with him when I found he cheated, he pleaded and had epic apologies. So I stayed with him.
Well this first guy, he made me forget about my boyfriend cheating for a little while. We were together everyday. But we started falling for each other again. He poured his heart out to me, told me why he left in the first place. I understood. It made sense. I forgave him.
We slept together, even though I was still with my boyfriend who was/is in jail. We hooked up a few times. And I started falling for him pretty hard. But...something changed after we slept together. I wasn't mad at my boyfriend anymore. I was willing to give him a second chance, when I went to visit him after I slept with someone else, I actually started missing him again. I realized how much I love him and how I can see myself marrying him, I've never been able to say that before.
But even though I realized how much I love my boyfriend, despite him cheating, I'm falling in love with my best friend. I want to be with both of them, it would break my heart to lose either of them, and I don't think I could handle losing both.
I never told him about my feelings for my boyfriend, how they came back. I just told him things are complicated with him. And he understood. He still would tell me how he missed me after not even a full day and he would be waiting in my driveway for me to wakeup so we could go have a good day.
The passed two months with him have been awesome. He made me feel special and loved. But just last week, out of nowhere, he left my house and never came back. He's been ignoring me, barely hearing from him and he is kind if a jerk at times. I miss him like crazy, I don't like being alone. And even though I hang out with friends, I still feel so lonely without him or my boyfriend. I feel like a huge part of me, of my life is missing.
I can't stand the thought of him leaving me for good. What if he's hurt, if I hurt him by not leaving my boyfriend yet. What if I did something to piss him off or annoy him? I feel terrible, even tho I know I probably did nothing, I still dread the thought if hurting him. And then there is my boyfriend, the person I can see myself having children with. And if he were to find out, it would kill him inside, even tho he did it to me, I know it would still hurt him.
By doing this, I hurt two men that I am in love with, the only two people in this world who have my back. I didn't do it on purpose, I was trying to be selfless, but ended up being selfish. I don't know what I would do if I lost both of them, I don't think I could make it in this world alone.
So the question to ask yourself, if you are cheated on, is it worth cheating on them too? Even though it may have saved your relationship, what if you fall for the other person too? And they fall for you? Is it worth hurting not only yourself, but two other people who think the world of you? I don't think it is. I regret what I did. I wish I had a chance to go back and change all of it. But I still don't know who I would choose. I wish someone or something would tell me who is the right one for me. I know one of them I'm meant to be with, I'm pretty sure I know which one but I don't think I can hurt the other, especially when I still want him and need him in my life.