They don't have feelings - Move On!

They don't have feelings - MOVE ON!

I was just in a hellish situation. This guy had feelings for me but I didn't. He was a great friend so I didn't want to cut him off, but he took no message. Even when I said "I just don't have feelings" and "I'm not ready for a relationship right now" he insisted on waiting and committing himself one sided which is really stupid just an fyi. For anyone in this situation, I have advice.

For the one who has feelings:

1. Ask once. This guy was asking me every other day if I had feelings, if he was playing his cards right, etc and the answer every day was no. It never changed. Asking the same thing every day is just annoying and unnecessary. By all means, expressing your feelings toward them is important but asking every day if they have feelings back yet, is not.

2. No guilt trips. They can't help feelings. Don't make them feel horrible just because they don't want to date you. "But I'll treat you good" yes, but you want someone to connect with. They might treat you good but if you don't have feelings, it's not fair to force someone into dating you. And if you truly care about someone then you wouldn't want them to feel bad for simply not wanting to date you.

3. If need be, cut them off. You can't expect them to have feelings. They can't expect you to stay around when you have feelings for them and are thus hurt by being their friend. If you need to, cut them off. Get some space. Move on.

4. Excessive flirting and effort won't change minds. Honestly it can be quite the turn off. I want someone I can have a decent conversation with, but every conversation basically revolved around his feelings for me and how beautiful/cute I was. He'd offer to buy me things all the time. And whenever we would have a decent conversation it always trailed off to something along the lines of "wow that was a great conversation this is why I like you so much" blah blah blah. The compliments just got borderline creepy too, getting to be about how it's hard for him to stop himself from grabbing me and kissing me. And in the end, did it change my mind? No. It actually pushed me away and turned me off.

5. Love yourself! Step back. You just decreased yourself to a state of desperation over a girl or boy. No, you don't "need" them. You need to be independent and loving towards yourself first. This is a fact. He was so dependent on me that it really turned me off, especially when I'm independent and he was stuck on the false notion that we needed each other. He told me I "needed someone to show me true compassion", when really I needed to move on from my ex and get my shit together. And in the end, his pushing and insisting on a relationship scared me and just prolonged the time that I was stuck on my ex.

For the one with no feelings:

1. NEVER GIVE IN! A relationship based off pity is extremely... pitiful. here's how it will go: you give in, date them, they smother you with affection and give you no space, you feel trapped and smothered, you decide to address this and they get extremely upset and make you feel guilty for telling them so, they depend on you for nearly everything and leave you feeling stressed and trapped, the feelings consume you, you snap, they get hurt and you're the bad guy somehow.

2. Don't be afraid to hurt feelings. I'm not saying be a bitch. Remember how hard it is to admit feelings! But don't do what I did. I said "well I'm not ready for a relationship right now" and "I don't have feelings but that doesn't mean something can't happen in the future" (which is true, but will be twisted). He twisted this to "I'm not ready for a relationship but maybe when I'm ready" he figures okay, I'll help her move on and then I'll win her feelings after. You need to make sure words can't be twisted - tell them there is no chance. If you don't, they'll stick around and keep trying. The thing is that they think they have the power to change your mind. You need to let them know that they don't.

3. Don't let them talk down to you. I ended up snapping. It got to the point where I was pissed. I was nothing but nice to this guy who was obsessing over me and making me feel trapped. I have anxiety and he was stressing me out to the point where I had to have emergency therapy sessions, and feeling trapped is also a trigger so bottom line is, I felt shitty. But I was still always nice and tried giving him a chance. Then in the end, after letting him down more nicely than anybody else would, he bitches at me and is basically coming at me for stupidly turning down someone who has feelings for me and talking about how only one girl has ever returned the effort to him. YOU did nothing wrong with. Again, I can't stress enough that you can't help how you feel. If they try making you feel bad, stick up for yourself.

4. Cut them off, if need be. Depending on how severe the situation is, YOU might even be scarred. I am. I let someone make me feel shitty and terrible for such a long time, until realizing that this could all have been prevented and controlled. It's time to accept that the friendship likely isn't real if they're able to make you feel so horrible for simply not liking them (if the situation was severe) however, if they don't make you feel bad then friendship can still be an option. Just use discretion.

5. Take the lesson. Now you know that you can't control feelings, and it can help reduce negative feelings toward yourself or even others for lack of feelings. Now you know how to prevent sticky situations. Love yourself, and never let anyone belittle you for how you feel.


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What Guys Said 10

  • He thinks your shallow. And care about the outer layer

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    • I know every girl isn't going to like me. But atlest give him a chance

    • I did, actually. Many. It would never work. First off, I'm going through a lot of problems right now. He is too, so honestly it could just spiral out of control. Second, I don't feel a connect with him. Third, I just don't like him. Simple as that. Nobody should be forced to be with someone they don't have feelings for.

  • This is the kind of princess mentality that has guys walking around afraid to ask women out. We've all been taught to be so careful not to offend girls' delicate sensibilities that we just assume that we're bothering any girl who hasn't given us a month's worth of smoke signals. Too many girls act like guys should have the good sense to pre-reject ourselves so they don't have to do it. Nope, not our job.

    Guys should ask out whom they want. Girls should go out with whom they want. If someone--guy or girl--is harassing you incessantly, call the cops and get a restraining order. End of story.

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    • IT GOES BOTH WAYS. Holy fuck. And yes ask out who you want - but if they reject you, for the love of God, leave them the hell alone my god harassing them and begging them to date you isn't gonna change their mind

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    • I never said in what I wrote "just go by hints and if they don't seem interested don't ask them out", I never even said there was anything wrong with asking them out. All I'm basically trying to say is that it's a little ridiculous to sit there and keep trying when the other person obviously is not interested. I'm not saying anything bad about asking people out, I mean if this said girl you have in your mind is freaking out and offended by being asked out once obviously she has the problem. All I'm trying to say is that harassing someone to no end isn't going to change their mind.

    • I do understand what you're saying, but I'm trying to let you know how hearing these kinds of things affects the mindset of guys.

      Most guys are already trepidatious about asking girls out. We tend to overthink things, so that girl can give us every conceivable signal and we'll still refrain out of fear of rejection. Much of this mindset comes from hearing girls tell stories about how some "creeper" asked her out at work, or some jerk tried to talk to her at the gym, or how some lame guy ran a line to her at a bar. The message we take away from all this is that girls don't really want us to approach them. We come to believe that girls only want the perfect guy to approach them, and since we aren't perfect, we should just go ahead and disqualify ourselves to save the embarrassment of being the butt of one of these "creeper" stories girls tell to their friends.

      That's why I think that these kinds of articles do more damage than good. Us guys over-analzye enough as it is.

  • Oh noes! A persistant admirer. (Who was just following along with all the stupid brainwashing that our feminized culture taught him.)

    "It was hell, I tell you! Hell" Lady, give me a fucking break. Iraq is hell. You were in an uncomfortable situation. Why didn't you just "man up" and "deal with it" sooner rather than letting it become all this drama?

    Is it because you secretly like being worshiped? (In the sense that you like the idea of being a goddess and having POWER, not that you enjoy the affections of said person worshiping you. Now that I think about it, this is the perfect metaphor for the God of the Old Testament. Power obsessed and narcisistic, and ultimately indifferent to the actual well being of his creation. Heh. I should be a philosopher.)

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    • Jesus fucking Christ lol. Sounds like you're one of these persistent creepy guys yourself. It doesn't matter how many pronouns I use to indicate it goes BOTH WAYS, I knew all these guys would get butthurt. Ah well haha. No I don't like being "worshipped". That's part of why I didn't even want him in the first place. I'm definitely not power obsessed, you sound ridiculous. I don't think you get how many times I told this guy I don't want him and he wouldn't leave me alone. So I definitely manned up. It wasn't until I flipped out he got the damn message.

    • Don't try to creep shame me ho, it won't work. I actually agree with most of what you said.

      I'm glad you manned up.

  • (standing ovation)
    Bravo! Bravo!

    Seriously, very well written, very well thought out! You display a wisdom at 17 which is sadly lacking in people many years older than you.

    Under "For the ones with no feelings...," I might have pointed out that number 4, cutting them off, is often the COMPASSIONATE thing to do, even if the other party doesn't see it.

    As for "For the ones with feelings," Number 1 is generally true, but I wouldn't begrudge someone for asking me out a second time. My brother's wife turned him down the first time. Where would he be if he never asked her again?

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  • What type of guy would torment themselves with a chick who has no feelings for them

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    • I agree Ulyss!

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    • Hmm lemme think. 80% of them?

    • @been_waiting If those stats are true then when the time comes for those guys to realize what happens when you give your all for one girl they shall not have our pity

  • I 'fessed up to somebody, but unfortunately they didn't return the feelings.

    We're actually still friends though, and I've moved on. YES, it IS possible to be just friends!

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    • I've fessed up to a few people before. One broke off the friendship, which was the right thing to do.

      Another I just told her I would like to try dating her. I wasn't expecting a long-term relationship, I just liked her a lot and found her attractive. But I also knew she was a little unstable. We still talk on occasion.

      Then I had a friend who I most found attractive but never saw long-term potential in. We're friends and we are comfortable talking to each other often.

      The difference in all 3 of these was my desire for a long term relationship with that person. I was more easily ready to let go of my feelings when I knew the relationship would just be short term.

  • Like romance, friendships can never be one sided. The minute a guy propositions a woman for romance, any and all probabilities of them ever remaining friends is zero. It's exploitative and downright abusive to say 'I don't want to lose you as a friend'... The bloke can never look at you in the same way.
    Rejection is harsh. At the very least, allow the guy to quietly fade away with whatever is left of their dignity. The only humane thing to do is cut them off. Unrequited amorous affection is like a zombie virus. Once it digs into it's hapless host, that person is dead to the person who is it's object. A big part of 'moving on' as you put it, is acceptance. Stringing a jilted lover along is akin to keeping the zombie as your personal pet.

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  • Excellent advice. Sadly I was that guy who obsessed over a girl and she ended up annoyed. Learned my lesson.

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    • Glad you learned your lesson, I hope he does too. In the end its best not to chase any human being. They're just people, there's 7 billion more in the world.

  • So what could he have done?

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    • Well, he could have listened the first time when I told him I didn't like him. But instead he told me he was "committing himself to me" even though I told him I wamted no commitment he told me he was waiting for me, he wouldn't take no for an answer. He showered me with compliments, told people at his school that we were talking, and got jealous when I hung out with guy friends and made a fuss. Also he would invite himself to hang out with me and my friends and constantly come to me every night with his problems, same literally every night "I dont get why all my exes hurt me I'm a nice guy I treat girls great" and about his drinking problems, while he knew I recently attempted suicide and was in the hospital and had enough going on - and his bitching killed my vibe.

      Sorry to lay a life story on you, but the point is what he did was extreme and pushed me away. Nobody should do that.

  • Yeah I usually ask her out once, if she doesn't respond positively I'll just stop talking to her.

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What Girls Said 6

  • For those with NO feelings, I think they should keep in mind that people are responsible for their own hearts. It is not up to the person to give in or play sweet because they are afraid of breaking the other person's heart. It's as if they are just so full of themselves that if they do this, the poor weak other person will crumble. WRONG. You're not that special. Besides, the other person will react how they feel is right to the situation in order to express in a way to heal from the rejection. So let them. The longer someone waffles along trying not to hurt someone, the worse it actually is as long as they think there's a chance. Plus, the longer you let the charade go on for, the more you are wasting time yourself. You're not letting that person have their time back to find someone who might really care for them, and you in turn are not getting on with things freeing yourself from that person to in turn, find someone better for you. Broken hearts mend, and the poor broken-hearted will get over you in a way that they know how. It's a bit condescending for people to assume that if they don't react a certain way then the rejected will fall apart helplessly.

    I know because I've been there and had many guys waste my time thinking I was frail when really I thought they were just moving very slowly and asked me for time. In the end, all my time was wasted and I could have been moving on to a guy that treasured spending time with me. Lose/lose situation for all involved.

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  • Right -so don't waste time on people who don't have feelings on you, is what you are saying?

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  • Thank you for this.
    I don't know if its Just me but pretty much every guy who's ever liked me has been super clingy and done all of the "don'ts" in your list. I guess its a guy thing. *waits to be attacked by offended guys*

    When I like someone who doesn't like me back I just accept it and move on. I'll be sad internally but i'm not going to guilt trip anyone or try to "convince" them to like me.

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  • i love this. i remember just two ago when i was a sophomore in high school some guy who i saw as a friend nothing more asked me out and when i said no, his friends tried to pressure me into dating him because "he was so nice". i didn't realize it then but i don't owe him shit for his kindness and i am glad i rejected him.

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  • Wow! I'm so glad I came upon this. I had two male friends, one now removed from life, behave this way towards me. I loved hanging out with them, but had NO physical attraction to them whatsoever. They, on the other hand, did. The guy I just cut off I knew for years through mutual friends, but just recently we started to hang out. He started to get aggressive and even wanted me to lie to guys when we were out saying we're married so I wouldn't get hit on. It was ridiculous. The other male friend is still around, but I've had to have words with him several times about how I don't share the same feelings for him. He's slowly starting to get it, but I can tell, it's a challenge for him. Lol. Thank you for posting this awesome article!

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  • omggg i always gave in!!! and felt exactly the same way how this person has explained it!!!

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