I was just in a hellish situation. This guy had feelings for me but I didn't. He was a great friend so I didn't want to cut him off, but he took no message. Even when I said "I just don't have feelings" and "I'm not ready for a relationship right now" he insisted on waiting and committing himself one sided which is really stupid just an fyi. For anyone in this situation, I have advice.
For the one who has feelings:
1. Ask once. This guy was asking me every other day if I had feelings, if he was playing his cards right, etc and the answer every day was no. It never changed. Asking the same thing every day is just annoying and unnecessary. By all means, expressing your feelings toward them is important but asking every day if they have feelings back yet, is not.
2. No guilt trips. They can't help feelings. Don't make them feel horrible just because they don't want to date you. "But I'll treat you good" yes, but you want someone to connect with. They might treat you good but if you don't have feelings, it's not fair to force someone into dating you. And if you truly care about someone then you wouldn't want them to feel bad for simply not wanting to date you.
3. If need be, cut them off. You can't expect them to have feelings. They can't expect you to stay around when you have feelings for them and are thus hurt by being their friend. If you need to, cut them off. Get some space. Move on.
4. Excessive flirting and effort won't change minds. Honestly it can be quite the turn off. I want someone I can have a decent conversation with, but every conversation basically revolved around his feelings for me and how beautiful/cute I was. He'd offer to buy me things all the time. And whenever we would have a decent conversation it always trailed off to something along the lines of "wow that was a great conversation this is why I like you so much" blah blah blah. The compliments just got borderline creepy too, getting to be about how it's hard for him to stop himself from grabbing me and kissing me. And in the end, did it change my mind? No. It actually pushed me away and turned me off.
5. Love yourself! Step back. You just decreased yourself to a state of desperation over a girl or boy. No, you don't "need" them. You need to be independent and loving towards yourself first. This is a fact. He was so dependent on me that it really turned me off, especially when I'm independent and he was stuck on the false notion that we needed each other. He told me I "needed someone to show me true compassion", when really I needed to move on from my ex and get my shit together. And in the end, his pushing and insisting on a relationship scared me and just prolonged the time that I was stuck on my ex.
For the one with no feelings:
1. NEVER GIVE IN! A relationship based off pity is extremely... pitiful. here's how it will go: you give in, date them, they smother you with affection and give you no space, you feel trapped and smothered, you decide to address this and they get extremely upset and make you feel guilty for telling them so, they depend on you for nearly everything and leave you feeling stressed and trapped, the feelings consume you, you snap, they get hurt and you're the bad guy somehow.
2. Don't be afraid to hurt feelings. I'm not saying be a bitch. Remember how hard it is to admit feelings! But don't do what I did. I said "well I'm not ready for a relationship right now" and "I don't have feelings but that doesn't mean something can't happen in the future" (which is true, but will be twisted). He twisted this to "I'm not ready for a relationship but maybe when I'm ready" he figures okay, I'll help her move on and then I'll win her feelings after. You need to make sure words can't be twisted - tell them there is no chance. If you don't, they'll stick around and keep trying. The thing is that they think they have the power to change your mind. You need to let them know that they don't.
3. Don't let them talk down to you. I ended up snapping. It got to the point where I was pissed. I was nothing but nice to this guy who was obsessing over me and making me feel trapped. I have anxiety and he was stressing me out to the point where I had to have emergency therapy sessions, and feeling trapped is also a trigger so bottom line is, I felt shitty. But I was still always nice and tried giving him a chance. Then in the end, after letting him down more nicely than anybody else would, he bitches at me and is basically coming at me for stupidly turning down someone who has feelings for me and talking about how only one girl has ever returned the effort to him. YOU did nothing wrong with. Again, I can't stress enough that you can't help how you feel. If they try making you feel bad, stick up for yourself.
4. Cut them off, if need be. Depending on how severe the situation is, YOU might even be scarred. I am. I let someone make me feel shitty and terrible for such a long time, until realizing that this could all have been prevented and controlled. It's time to accept that the friendship likely isn't real if they're able to make you feel so horrible for simply not liking them (if the situation was severe) however, if they don't make you feel bad then friendship can still be an option. Just use discretion.
5. Take the lesson. Now you know that you can't control feelings, and it can help reduce negative feelings toward yourself or even others for lack of feelings. Now you know how to prevent sticky situations. Love yourself, and never let anyone belittle you for how you feel.
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