Is he afraid of his feelings for me or is he regretting what happened with us?

OK, so I have a guy I've been friends with for years...over five. He is one of my best friends. We have helped each other through breakups and hookups with other people...always platonic. I'm almost 7 years old than him though...I'm 36 and he just turned 30. I always kinda thought he had a bit of a crush on me but never took it seriously because I have two young sons from when I was married and he's never been married/no kids...I just didn't think we wld be a good match...plus I'm older. The last few months though, even when I felt I was pushing him away, I could tell how close we were getting and I couldn't hold back my feelings for him anymore. He kissed me for first time and it led to spending the night. He's dated women with kids before, so I thought as long as I was OK with it, he probably wasn't going to freak out. Well I was wrong. After sleeping together, he kind of freaked. He keeps saying he is afraid of hurting me if we don't work out and losing our friendship and how can we work out being in so different places. I was shocked. And upset. We went back and forth on it, but it hasn't been resolved. This all just happened last night. Today, he was fine...he called to say hi when he woke up and we hung out with some mutual friends...he was fine with me and even a bit affectionate. All our friends thinks he's crazy about me. They have said as much and said he's scared just give him time. He's intimidated by our differences but likes me. We were alone for a bit before we left the restaurant and he had opportunity to kiss me but didn't. He was a bit affectionate but that's it. And I feel I have heard from him less today than I usually do. What is going on? Is this doomed from the start? I'm so confused and frustrated and kind of sad too. I thought once I was on board he was gonna be happy with that, not all of a sudden freak out!!!


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Most Helpful Girl

  • "He keeps saying he is afraid of hurting me if we don't work out and losing our friendship and how can we work out being in so different places." - i'd say leave him alone. he's basically letting you know that, in his head, he already decided this is not going to work, that he can't see a future together. i've been in a similar situation in the past, with a guy who was only 2 years younger than me, and it didn't end very well at all. we even kept seeing each other for a couple of months after we 'made out' the first time, and also in my case he told me he wasn't 'sure' about all that, that he was 'afraid' to ruin things.. well, he grew colder and colder in time, he didn't want anyone else to know about 'us', to the point i finally had to break it up.

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    • :( you are probably right.

    • the one problem is everyone is telling me to stick it out...those who know him say he's scared but really into me. so it's hard.

    • what 'everyone' is saying is irrelevant, in the end it's you and him who've got to deal with it. worst thing could happen would be losing your entire circle of friends because something between you two 'goes horribly wrong' - like it happened to me. ok maybe in my case they weren't 'true friends' either, but really when it's you being in pain because he 'doesn't know what he wants', we're similar again. just leave him alone until he either mans up or you find someone else. good luck :)

What Guys Said 2

  • Chill out.
    You have been involved before and must know about the power of honesty and communication. It seems you have known him long enough to talk.

    So do it.

    You sound like you are wishing for a situation rather than living it. Don’t bog your soul with ideal plans and expectations. Your children’s wellbeing comes first.., after all your had them…so stop…… count to ten (or a hundred or whatever) and go with the flow.
    Most importantly…. if you worry about your feelings go with only what you are comfortable with. For example, are you at peace with holding hands? What about an innocent smooch?

    How high are you willing to climb? The answer is how high you are willing to fall.

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    • i hear ya. i will try! just so confused. i never feel this way so i'm scared. thanks for your input :)

  • Both. He realizes that he just involved himself with a woman with children, and he's not sure what that means.

    Here's to you, Mrs. Robinson!

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    • lol! and ugh too lol...I like him a lot...probably no future in it though, right? I should forget it happened?

    • It sounds like the ball is in his court now. Let him decide what he wants to do. Don't give him an ultimatum or anything, just wait it out.

    • ok, thanks for the helpful feedback! :)

What Girls Said 1

  • You both need some time apart. Take a year or so and date other people! Just let him go and let him be free to do his own thing for now... If it is meant to be it will be.

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    • kind of hard because we hang out with the same people, but yeah, i'm going to take a step back for now i think

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