Am I not allowed to hang out with my guy friends anymore?

Ever since I can remember I've always got along with boys over girls; although I'm generally agreeable and I get along with both genders just fine, girls don't really seek friendship with me, while boys have always been perfectly fine with just hanging out or coming over to my house and sitting in my living room playing video games together.

Me and my boyfriend have known each other for 3 years now; he's also my first boyfriend and we've gotten over every relationship hurdle thus far, except for this one -- all of my friends are guys, and because of this I never hang out with anyone anymore.

It's not like he tells me that I CAN'T hang out with them, but I can tell deep down he doesn't want me to. I'm a considerate person (not just of him, but of all people I associate myself with) and I don't want to make him feel like he's less important to me or that I might cheat on him, but it's rather difficult not being around anyone socially.

To give some more details I'm in college and he's going into the military and starting basic training soon. He works 6 days out of the week while I work 3-4 and I live 2 cities away from him but we're both military brats and we're used to distance. I'm rather introverted, but I still need to socialize occasionally, and lately the only way I can fill up on that is by going to dinner with my mom and her coworkers, and mentally translating their conversations into English is draining. I'm really at a loss as to what to do to get my fill of personal interaction without hurting my boyfriend's feelings.


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Most Helpful Girl

  • This is something that you really need to discuss with your boyfriend. Explain your feelings about this situation to him the same way you've done so here on GAG. Honestly, simply, calmly, and rationally. He should be able to understand where you're coming from. A good compromise would be if you hang out with your guy friends in groups (as opposed to being isolated with only one or two of them).

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    • It's definitely a reoccurring topic between the two of us; he's only been in one serious relationship before me and she cheated on him multiple times, so I understand that he has trust issues. However after the first half year of us dating he seemed to have moved on from those issues, so he really doesn't have an argument against me hanging out with my guy friends, but I just want to avoid hurting him if I can.

      That's what I've tried, but I'd say that that makes him worry even more. Since my family prefers that I only have one or two friends over at my house I can't have a group of friends at my house, so we end up going out and seeing movies, eating out, etc. He feels more comfortable knowing that I'm at my home with my veteran dad peering out of his office door to make sure that nothing is going on, hehe.
      I appreciate the feedback, and I'll definitely try talking to him again about this when I see him next week. :)

    • Thanks for MH :)
      I understand your boyfriend's concerns (especially due to his previous relationship). And I can also relate to you because I also have many guy friends whom I associate with regularly. The two of you will likely work out the situation, you both sound like reasonable people, and if your boyfriend is as considerate of you as you are of him, then it will hopefully be easy to come to a nice compromise/middle ground.

What Guys Said 5

  • Open communication is vital in a relationship, if you can't trust your partner to accept something about you then the relationship is strained. Basically, if he has an issue with you being with your friends (regardless of their gender), whether he shows it or not, this is a problem and you need to consider that going forward.

    By the way, are you an Xbox girl by chance?

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    • Well I would hope that he wouldn't be so antsy if I were out with female friends, but I suppose I'll never know. And that is true; if it's been 3 years and he STILL feels uncomfortable with something like this which is just the reality of who I get along with, then how will he handle it going further down the road?

      And if by Xbox girl you mean that I play the Xbox then no -- I've always been more of a PlayStation person.

    • Long-standing resentment like that would eventually cripple the relationship.

      And too bad :/

  • Talk to him and make it known that you will not cheat on him and that you trust him and he should trust you put any worries he has to bed.

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    • Agreed. I don't think it should be so difficult to get through to him, but in the end I know what he says doesn't match up to how he really feels. I think in the end it's not me that he doesn't trust, since he's fine with me texting my guy friends or chatting with them over video chats, he just doesn't want me to physically be near them. He's never asked or tried to look through my phone or belongings, but he just always acts a little...off? whenever I talk to him about going out with my friends.
      And it usually results in a conversation where he tells me that some of my guy friends are interested in me and I'm just not aware of it. :/

    • I guess it comes down to being afraid that they will steal you away and that he does not trust them.

  • I understand how you feel, and I understand how your boyfriend feels.

    Can you make more female friends?

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    • I'm definitely trying; I do have a few female friends, but they've all left the state and I hardly see them unless I make the trip out to visit them.
      Not to mention that I don't have much in common with girls my age, which has always been an area I struggled in. :(

  • Hmmm i see why...no one wouldn't wanna lose such a cutie :3

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    • Heh, well I could only hope that he's having this issue for such a reason; I'd rather him be trying to keep me at all costs than trying to frustrate me enough to make me leave him. ^^;

    • Lol yeah..he cares about u too much in fallen to the hands of others.
      Sweet talk him out of it and maybe he will trust u more. Having only guy friends can pose a prob and trusts in one another as well so he can automatically assume dat u gotta be liking one of those guys. Might wanna start maken sum gurlfriends so the gender will balance out

  • i think he'd just feel more comfortable if he was there with you while you hang out with them

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    • Thank-you for your response!
      I thought of this, too, and I've asked him (and once made him) hang out with my friends -- the problem being that the types of friends I have are people of similar personality traits to me, and although he accepts all my quirks he definitely doesn't accept the quirks of my friends. :/

    • so you have to choose between him and them now. your friends will always be there but guys will come and go..just sayin'

What Girls Said 4

  • Keep in mind always and definitely let him know that you're not his ex and he can't compare you to her because you're not that person. This may not seem like much now but this could be the start of a controlling/ jealous relationship. If he's going away he needs to learn to have faith and trust in you besides you haven't done anything from what you've said that could make him think you'll cheat like his ex. Just because you have a certain type of gender friends doesn't mean you need to make adjustments on your lifestyle for him, you're not his wife. Don't feel obligated or give it a second thought to stop hanging around your friends, their a part of your life and if he can't accept or is still uncomfortable with that after 3 years then ditch him even though it may not be easy for you. You can't always give everyone else what they want and your bf shouldn't feel less of himself if you decide to keep your friends. Also you mustn't feel less either. It's your life so give yourself a break, plus your in college it's all about exploring. I can tell you from first hand experience that I let myself down trying to make my boyfriend happy. I felt exactly how you do, I stopped hanging with my guy peeps because he didn't like it either. I ended up pregnant and found that what I sacrificed in my life for him I regretted later. Friends, school, independence as an individual. I was strong and now I'm a mother trying to work on my bf's attitudes and issues and communication. Things had fallen out of place in the beginning and it started with my friends. Communicate with him, ask him why he feels this way and if it's the same answer he's been giving you then just stay focused on school because trust me, if he's gone this far with you and this old and cannot compromise then he will more than likely not change. It may get worse.

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  • He is being insecure and controlling. You can not step on yourself in the hopes of keeping him. You'll end up miserable. Don't do it. If he can't deal with it is his problem not yours. find a man who is secure

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    • Agreed.

    • That's how I felt about it at first; how I feel about it is that we're just dating, so I shouldn't feel like I have to limit myself and who I call my friends for him (or even give up friends). But since I've always been considerate for others and I know that his last relationship was filled with hurt feelings I don't want to hurt him even more.
      I'll probably try to compare him and how he goes out with groups of his coworkers (both guys and girls) to my situation. Maybe that'll help him see that he shouldn't be concerned or controlling over the issue. Thank-you for your reply. :)

  • I'm in a similar situation. All my friends are men except 2 and I'm friebds with all of my boyfriends friends who are guys. He trusts me and knows I wouldn't be friends with people he'd have to worry about. I have even hung out in our bed with one of his bros to watch game of thrones. It's fine to keep your friends and he'll be glad that you have friends. My man is military too.

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    • How nice! I do wish some times that we could have that level of understanding, I feel like if he were never cheated on before then maybe he wouldn't have these issues. But one thing I've noticed about him is that he never wants me to hang out with his friends, and when I ask he says it's because he doesn't trust him. So reading your reply makes me question why he would associate himself with people he doesn't trust. :/

    • Hmm that's pretty interesting. Well for me, I've had some really messed up relationships in the past and for a little while had taken it out on him. One time he told me how he prefers brunettes over blondes and I'm blonde so I was suspicious of all his brunette friends for a little while. As I got to know them better, realized they were great people, things were fine. I also always figured if you can't trust who you are with than why be with them.
      As for him not trusting his friends, I would ask him about it. Maybe they had said something on the vulgar side about you that he didn't appreciate or they were involved in the cheating with his last girlfriend. It's best to ask politely to get to the root causes of things than to wonder and assume wrong.

  • He's obviously having some trust issues. Just make it clear as to how you feel about your friends. I also have close guy friends, some are almost my brothers, we're just a giant family.
    Try telling your boyfriend what your relationships with your friends are like, hopefully after three years dating he'll understand. If he doesn't see sense, then you'll have to probably choose.

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    • I've already had to choose a few times, but I've always chosen to keep my friends, and despite the initial heartache my boyfriend would end up accepting my decision.
      And thank-you for your reply -- I think through comparison (of his female friends to him and my guy friends to me) maybe that will help him understand my relationship with my friends a little better. :)

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