This is so disheartening... Should I just give up dating? :(?

I am in my mid-thirties. I used to weigh close to 300 lbs due to an undiagnosed health issue that is now treated and I have lost more than 150 lbs. I've always been told I have a pretty face. With my clothes on, I look really good... off, it's a horror show. If you're unfamiliar with the term excess skin, google it at our own peril! I'm covered in stretch marks and loose excess skin (arms, torso, legs) :( I now get asked out a lot and I'm constantly turning down men I would love to get to know better... A female friend accused me of "false advertising" but it's not like I can walk around naked or put a sign on my forehead!!! Truth is, I don't expected anyone to be attracted to "that" but maybe someone can look past it? My question is: When would you like to know? Before I accept your invitation? On our first date? When we hit it off? Right before we get intimate? Thank you...


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Most Helpful Guy

  • This is something that you have to take in stride honestly dear. I have a friend of mine who went through the same thing. Her now husband was totally understanding about the whole thing.

    Honestly if the guy you are with cannot deal with this then it makes me wonder what is he there for. If he just wants in your pants then thats not really a big loss. Your friend saying you are false advertising, exactly how? I mean I agree with you, are you supposed to walk around with a sandwich sign around your neck saying: I had gastric bypass surgery and I have excess skin, love me at your own peril?

    Just take the topic in stride, in that if you are comfortable with a guy and think he is actually there with you, then you can tell him. Telling him on the first date is a bit off. How does that exactly come up in conversation? "Hey the lobster bisque is amazing!!" "Yes it is, so are the bread rolls, by the way i had surgery and have a whole bunch of extra skin, would you like some butter?"
    Then at some point see what you can do about possibly getting surgery to get it removed. Its not cheap, but its worth it long run. My friend I mentioned above had it done. Its not the most pleasant of experiences I've heard of, but she is happy with the results.

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What Guys Said 8

  • if you can chat a lot before going on a first date do so, and try and make sure you feel *right* about the person. try and figure out if they want to get to know 'slim you' or 'you', and if they are actually wanting to get to know you vs just bed you. if you find someone you connect with, im sure they will overlook it.

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  • Why are you turning men down? Perhaps one of those guys can empathize. Why not give them the chance, and tell them you had this medical condition in your past. You know what's a huge turn off for guys - more than imperfections in appearance? A lack of confidence. I know that's difficult to grasp when you're not comfortable with your body. I'd much rather have someone tell me over drinks that they're guarded physically/sexually and have this past medical history, but didn't want to turn the chance to get to know me. Very cute, best of luck.

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  • No, don't give up on dating. There are some who say "it happens when you're not looking" but I don't think that's true for everyone. I think some people do better when they keep their eyes peeled, look for opportunities, but don't settle.

    One side point: Does your friend wear makeup? Does she dye her hair? Does she wear extensions? Does she curl or straighten her hair if it's the opposite? Does she have a bra that makes her look more "ample?" Does she pluck eyebrows or curl them or wear fake eyelashes? If so, she's being a little bit hypocritical.

    I always found it funny that many of the girls who hate on guys who are starting to do more "fake" stuff (wear fake muscle undershirts, dye their hair, or wear lifts, for example) are the same girls who have been "faking" their appearance for years.

    I have no issues with making yourself look good, or trying to hide things that you might think make you feel less confident - I just find that if you make comments about someone who is "false advertising" you should not be doing it yourself. Just an aside.

    Now, some guys wouldn't be into the excess skin. Some guys are fine with it, knowing about a huge weight loss (usually something to be proud of). Some would probably be super into it, though I don't know if that would be an actual "thing."

    I don't think it should be a huge secret, but it's generally not "first date" conversation, unless it's already part of the conversation. I think there's a level (before you are intimate with a guy) of just being honest about it.

    Hope this helps.

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  • You're beautiful. It wouldn't bother me at all personally. I would want to know asap but not before we were very comfortable with each other. Its no biggie tho.

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  • My advice would be...don't worry about it. Guys are superficial - there's no denying that. But we're not as bad as you think. We're not as bad as we're portrayed. I once went out with a girl that I met online. She used some photographic trickery to appear to be a little skinnier than she was in real life (skinny arm, angles, flattering dresses, etc).

    When I met her, one of my first thoughts was "okay, she's a bit heavier than I thought." That thought was QUICKLY replaced by "holy crap, this girl is really, really cool." She wasn't my dream girl body type, but it didn't really matter anymore. It was one of the best relationships of my life.

    Talk to guys you want to talk to. If they give a crap about excess skin, they're not the guys you thought they were and you're better off not knowing them.

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  • Stop turning them down.If they already like you, it will probably work out fine.
    If you mention it before you get intimate, I don't think it will make much difference to the outcome.He's not likely to walk out on you.

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  • I won't lie appearance does bother a majority of men, thats the animal kingdom for you though. Have a lot of confidence, be honest and show the guy your in it too make him happy and satisfy him. Try some lotions out and some possible jogging? I dint know your condition do not sure., and when you hit it off

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  • Don't give up dating just because of some shallow guys.

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What Girls Said 3

  • first of all-get new friends.
    second-just take a chance. if they freak out over it, they weren't someone worth your time anyway. chances are, if a guy asked you out based on your looks, he's shallow, so don't get your hopes up with random men asking you out. that doesn't mean you should give up dating. date men after you get to know them in a friendly situation, that way you won't have the romantic pressure when acknowledging your body, and you'll know they don't mind by the time you do go out. or you can try online dating, disclose your issues in your profile.

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  • Should I just give up dating?
    I don't do should or shouldn't unless it applies to harming children/animals. In my opinion it's suited for gals past their 30s to opt out of dating unless they're interested in much older average/unattractive guys who likely are with them because they couldn't get a 20 something gal.

    I don't expected anyone to be attracted to "that" but maybe someone can look past it?
    Possibly in my opinion if he's desperate enough as I find guys generally only look past physical attraction factors out of desperation. I don't see the notion of him getting emotionally invested/attached and having that sway his decision considering likely he'll want to f*ck you or have some sample before he emotionally invests/attaches.

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    • You always have some interesting and often weird answers. FYI girls are mostly attracted to other men not women.

    • Not seeing how your FYI is applicable here. What's weird is how you keep posting irrelevant stuff like that on my answers.

      At least this time you answered the question instead of just going for my answer. LMFAO

      Any particular reason why you're seemingly so fixated on me?

    • Yeah there is you have the most interesting and serious way of answering questions on this site out of anyone I know. But I'll follow you. And 26% mh is impressive I guess because you write in depth answers even though I disagree with you a lot of times they are still meaty answers lol.

  • Is surgery not an option?

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