I'm eighteen and have never had a boyfriend. As a young child, i was abused by my father and have had serious, serious trust problems since. I have since been going to a councillor for my issues starting when the abusing ended but I've just been awful with guys. Im awkward and weird and can't let them know that i like them in an obvious way. I've only ever had two guys ask me out (and i think that one was using me to try to get into the country quickly cause he was trying with many different girls and told mw that his card was cancelled or something to that effect). The second one was just trying to get in my pants so that ended quckly. I like a guy now (who's a year younger than me and my brother's friend) but I think I screwed things up because we got in a fight a couple of months ago and stopped talking until this past weekend. I know that i sound desperate but i don't know what to do.
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I come from a very similar background. I wasn't just abused by the males though, the females saw fit to hurt whatever was left of me. So I was and am, still really screwed up. To this day I find myself sometimes unable to even look a girl the age of those girls in school, in the eye. I have to look away. I asked myself why, and it's because I am still afraid of them.
Grown women, no problem...
I also pursued relationships with the same sex, because I was so scared and disgusted with women. That didn't work out.
I can tell you what I learned, and what God showed me. I wouldn't be alive if it wasn't for God. I suggest you give Him a try...
When we are abused in a sexual way, it affects not only our bodies, but our minds, souls, heart, s will, desires, spirit, and soul. It literally re- forms who we are. We are forced to cope, on our own immature little way- and often the defense mechanism we quickly throw up- become permanent foundations for a life of twisted misery.
I cannot say that any medicine, counselor, or even self introspection has helped me as much as seeking God. God has shown me so much about myself, in blasts of realization, epiphanies that I can claim no credit for. Deep things. Things no human can know.
In short, you must tear down those gross, dirty, tender, icky, fearful little walls you have put up around your heart. You must plow through them- and the taboo feelings you have shied away from in the deepest parts of your heart and soul. You must confront your own heart, your own soul, and you MUST be fearless.
Be ready to acknowledge anything that is there, even if it is shameful.
Come to terms with it, and realize your father is/was a sick man. He perverted a sacred trust that all fathers have with their daughters. For that i am sorry.
But now you are left with dealing with the scars- that are actually scabs- over wounds.1