I used to be fat then lost a lot of weight, but I lost my faith in love/sex as a result. How can I restore it again?

I spent the majority of my childhood/teenage years being very overweight. Even though I was genuinely a nice person, I often got picked on even when I tried to mind my own business.

When I would ask a girl to a date/prom, I didn't just get turned down. I got slammed and ridiculed.

Eventually I decided to go to the gym and get in shape, and with that change in my body came a change in the treatment I received. I wasn't being made fun of anymore, girls finally noticed me, guys no longer bullied me.

Dating finally became an option. It felt like, my whole life romance was this game I was never picked for because I was slower and weaker than the other kids, and now that I looked different, I had the option to be it's star player.

But, I didn't take it.

When girls would approached me I found myself mentally pulling away.

I didn't want to be a part of a game that relied so much on my superficial looks. A game that reveals human nature in such an ugly fashion.

Bad guys and Alpha males sexually taking advantage of women. And spoiled, attractive women getting their every whim and will from sex-starved men.

A game that felt like honor and integrity had no place in it's rules.

I'm lonely, I'm just going to out and out admit it. I'm lonely. But I don't want to be a part of love when human nature is just so... ugly.

God... what do I do?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • You sound a lot like my little brother, he had a lot of issues too, but instead of being heavy he was really skinny and wimpy, he too has turned it around physically but the scars remain with him as well.
    First thing is there really is a lot of good women out there, no kidding, a lot!!! Probably way more than the spoiled, sluttier girls you are talking about. I hope that you're not lumping all women together. That being said you have to do things to find them, maybe going to where the kind of places where the type of woman might be, churches, fund raisers, places that people volunteer. You can meet nice people anywhere and everywhere. Sometimes the nicest girls can be quieter, and shyer, which makes it a little harder to meet them. Keep trying, I think what you need is self confidence, and that will come the more you put yourself out there. You need to forget your past, it's over and gone.

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    • That's the thing about it though. Most people suffer from low-self confidence, I actually have very HIGH self-confidence. I know what I worked for and it stayed with me. It's... it's the PEOPLE that I have a problem with, you know what I mean?

      I guess my problem is that, it's the exact REVERSE of the stereotypical self-confidence issue.

    • Ok, yeah, I get that too, but the part of my opinion that I feel is the most important, is that there are a lot of decent, good moral people out there. The state of relationships really does seem bleak, I personally think the perception comes from the media more than from real life, at least in my case. I just would hate you to miss an opportunity to find that one perfect woman that I know is out there for you. I am actually a cynic when it comes to marriage, considering the current statistics on divorce, infidelity ect. I think it's an old fashion, out dated custom that really has no purpose at least outside of raising children but I still believe in love and relationships.

What Girls Said 17

  • As much as we want to think otherwise, the thing is this, there is nothing unconditional about romantic love. People want handsome, Smart, rich succesful partners cause that will result in handsome, Smart and succesful kids. It sucks and its part of our DNA and we all look for those traits. However, looks, money, and intelligence can't buy love... in a consumer market they are what you call the packaging. If you have a butt ugly package very few will come and take a peek at you and if you find someone then you are very very lucky and that person is there for you. However if you have an awesome package but low selfessteem and Little love to give then the person will quickly get bored of you and dispatch you in the garbage bin, however after a while many people will contact you and want to get to know you so your odds at finding love is higher but not a guarantee. Hope this makes sense.

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    • However if you have an awesome package but low selfessteem and Little love to give then the person will quickly get bored of you and dispatch you in the garbage bin...
      -----------------------------------------------------
      Never thought about it. You know, you could be right on this.

  • I know what you mean! I'm not in shape by any means, but this is what has stopped me from getting into shape. What's the point when people are only going to be interested in me for my outward appearance?

    I mean I'm attractive now. But I know that if I lost some weight I would be a stunner. But then I would just have to weed through more bad dates than I already have to.

    I would rather just find a guy who loves me how I am now, than have to take my chances on a guy who will love the new me and then dump me if I revert back. I have an illness that makes my weight unmanageable at times.

    I'm getting pretty lonely too. But also bitter because it's such a superficial thing :(

    I feel ya!

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  • I used to be fat then lost a lot of weight, but I lost my faith in love/sex as a result. How can I restore it again?
    Possibly by considering that you're likely also factored in physical attractiveness of a romantic/sexual partner. I doubt you asked out gals you found repulsive/physically unattractive.

    Also perhaps by focusing more on the 'positive' examples of relationships such as deformed guys/gals who seemingly have happy and healthy relationships with non deformed partners or elderly couples who seemingly happy remained together.

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    • To be honest, it was half and half. I asked out a few pretty girls but when I got a better idea of my league I started asking out chunkier girls as well. I tried to keep it around there.

    • Show All
    • @Asker
      Cynical is a toss up depending on opinion. I'm not angry as I get what I seek from guys (if anything it seems that angers others by the claims that I'm abusing/hurting/using guys)... o. O

      Perhaps it seems 'a little angry-ish' because you perceive what I said as negative against guys so your conclusion is if I'm saying negative things about guys I must be angry at them. I find people generally react quite hostile to anything remotely negative about males perceiving the opinion holder as misandrist, anti-male, or angry.

      "If you met THE perfect guy, would you finally be able to let all that cynicism and anger go? "... this is a nonsensical question to me as I don't have cynicism and anger to let go... o. O

    • Hm. Okay.

      Thank you for your advice. I'll focus more on the good in romance.

  • Yeah. I have the same. I was really fat til age 27. The I divorced my abusive husband, lived alone for a while and decided to turn my life around by taking care of myself. And yess I am OK with my looks now, but for some reason I tried three times to get into relationship and ended up with guys who turned out be interested in me for my looks rather than me. You know, when you want to connect with somebody, feel special, loved etc. I just now, after my 5 years dating, undrestood that looks doesn't solve anything, at least not for me. So I decided to be alone again...

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  • What do you do?

    You wait, and wait, and wait, until you meet someone who's beautiful on the inside and then you make them apart of yoir life.
    It might take some time, but this loneliness will eventually bring incredible people into your life that you can count on.
    Congratulations on knowing the importance of inner beauty :)

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    • Waiting around for something to happen will result in nothing but wasted time.

      if you want something, you have to go out there and get it.

    • Waiting is the only option when you're surrounded by self-centred, nasty girls. Quality girls are hard to find and if he goes out searching for it, he's likely to misjudge and end up with the wrong person.
      Hence why most people are trying to make a bad relationship work. This guy won't be like most people, he'll use his time wisely.

  • I lost a lot of weight when I got out of high school and felt the same way. The best way to look at it is as an advantage, for years you had to rely on your actual character to get by instead of so many people who can impress others with just their looks. This makes YOU a catch, so don't settle, because now you have it all. Be picky, but put yourself out there. Good luck.

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  • This happens a lot unfortunately. The guys that bullied you and the girls that ridiculed you aren't worth your time. If you have any of them in your life, ignore them.
    I promise you that no good person would have treated you poorly due to your weight, and there are plenty of decent people, maybe you haven't really found the right ones?
    I know the fact that you didn't get attention until you lost weight makes the dating game seem shallow, but all people want a partner they can be attracted to. Its only natural.
    Avoid the sex hungry alpha male jerks, and don't give the mean girls a second of your time.
    Again there's good people out there you just gotta find them

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  • Do you have any other positive traits you admire about yourself other then your appearances? Such as are you funny. Cleaver, giving, kind, chearfull, maybe you should try to enhance those other aspects of yourself and try to give your appearances a brake. Give yourself a brake. Forget about whether or not people like you. You like you! And when people see you smilling because you like you because of how proud of yourself you are. They will follow. People like being around positive people.

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  • I recently lost around 40 lbs and I feel the same. Amazing who likes you when you lose weight. Know that you are a better person and that you can truly see beauty in people. Perhaps date people you normally never got a chance to before, you earned it :)

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  • Just talk witha girl who know what you went through cause atm im where you were is just personality isn't enough and it needs to playa bigger role in relashenship appeal. I'm likely as well soi feel your pain there here is another question tyrant might help www.girlsaskguys.com/.../q1071069-what-makes-a-person-beautiful-in-your-eyes and so on

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  • I am sorry that happened to you. I hope you meet some really nice people/women in the future. There are nice people who don't care about looks. It sounds like all that bad stuff happened in high school. People don't care about that as much and don't act like that so much once people grow up. Its definitely not all about physical attraction, but ya that is part of it. Everything, love, human nature, is not all black and white, good or bad.
    Maybe try meeting someone online where you can match up with someone who has similar qualities and values as you.

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  • same here i lost 30 lbs while i was 19, then felt like i didn't know were i beloged in the dating world,...

    and dont worry you will eventually find someone that suits you,... after all we all are young.

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  • just go out and talk to a girl kiss her if you like her
    '

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  • I used to be fat too. I was always picked on girls and boys. Now I am in shape and look better and confident. Losing weight and making our appearance better is not superficial but also it changes our outside and inside. You should know that girls are not only interested in you know because of appearance. You changed in better way.

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  • There are some good people out there. Just have to find them.

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  • It happens at lot and the people that bullied you were picking on you because they saw something in you that they don't. About the darting thing you should just wait till you find the one that clicks, that puts a smile on your face, that makes you want to wake up every day and when you find that one then you will know it is time to get out there. You just need to weigh out I know you have been for a while but rushing things and then finding out she's not the one and breaking up with her and dating more people you will be called a player and nobody wants to date a player. just be yourself and soon you will fin fate one you are looking for. Just keep you head high and dreams up and you will do just fine I promise

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  • Date chubby girls who have similar life experiences.

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What Guys Said 15

  • I have good news, and bad news for you. The bad news, is that you have just discovered how shallow, and empty the dating and love scene is.

    The good news... You could not be in a better place.

    You are physically fit, you are healthy, and you have the respect of your peers.

    You also have something more valuable than money. Money cannot buy it- experience. not just experience, but the experience of knowing what it is like to be rejected because of your physical appearance. Over, and over.

    Those days are behind you. Your future lies ahead.

    If you choose to heed wisdom's warnings, you are going to end up a very happy, fulfilled man, who knows a level of satisfaction that few men know, but most men are desperate for.

    The answer is five words back from the end of your statement. I used to squander my sexuality, and I have a background almost the same as yours. I used to be an ugly guy who people picked on, and girls ripped apart. I was actually a sort of misanthropic misogynist.

    Over the years, God worked with me to get me out of my shell... To realize that not all women, or men, are "That way". It takes a heart that has been broken, rent, and ripped apart to be sensitive and tender enough to comprehend what true, lasting love is. It is not something "Healthy, normal" people will ever know.

    But you will.

    I am sorry that at a pivotal developmental stage in your life you were subjected to such negativity. But healing can be yours. And understanding the true value of having a good mate (The only mate for you. Not just anyone. There's only one.) is so much more beautiful when you are older, because your peers have taken it for granted at an early age.

    So you are much better off, because you can realize it in maturity.

    Not everyone is shallow. There is a person out there for you. It helps to have God's help. When you find her, she is going to be the light, the joy, and the essence of your happiness.

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  • Yeah, you looked behind the curtain, and its not too romantic is it?

    But you know what? People genuinely feel and experience love, and they genuinely feel and experience caring, and they genuinely feel and experience attachment.

    If I were 6" shorter and not as smart, my wife wouldn't have dated me. Of course if she were hideous, I wouldn't have dated her.

    You love your kids and parents unconditionally.

    Romantic love is a mix of a whole lot of attraction factors that then gets mixed with caring and attachment.

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  • I have gone through a similar situation but instead of being overweight I was the twig that called a "skeleton in saran wrap." I did date but got fucked over really badly. So I can somewhat talk from experience having gone to the gym and gone through a "transformation" so to say.

    First off, physical attraction does matter. What you're now seeing is that many girls have lied about it over the years. Now the thing is, everyone's kinda "programmed" to say this for fear they'll be considered "superficial." But honestly, looks play a role in attraction.

    Now with that said, you can still easily talk to women not as motivated by looks. If you find one with common interests, like a fitness buddy, you can easily get away from all those dumb girls. You can find one who is into the health aspects and such and not the "OMG my legs have a tiny bit of movement I'm scarred for life" bs types.

    As for those "alpha" kids... ignore them. They just attract girls who have mental issues anyway. A lot of those girls are actually sick in the head and secretly enjoying the drama they're walking into while denying it for pride. This is easily proven by their history of "relationships" and their "coincidences" in "being used for sex" all the time or their history of being beaten repeatedly yet somehow ending up with yet another one of those same types of guys. It's not your problem.

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  • Wake up & change your course buddy :) you are pulling away cause you feel rejected even today, you are dejected thinking that they all love / like something superficial and that is the body and persona you have now and not the real you :)

    Let's never lose sight of the fact that we humans are made in a certain way by nature. This just is a part of it. I think you should let go of that feeling you have inside you else all your hard work that you have done on your body will not translate into your persona and you'll be back to where you started and most likely worse :)

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  • Bro I know the feeling. And man how you thought about relationship and stuff bein a game and star player and styff. That was pretty deep just sayin. Trust me I was (and im not gonna lie) litterally over 200lbs during all of elementary and middle school. I felt how you were feeling and I worked at on my last year of middle school and went on through my first year of highschool and I swear I lost over 100lbs and I went through hard physical pain to get where I am now. I may still have a little fat but im glad I know how it feels like to be not made fun of. Heck maybe a little intimidating at times. All in all there was a sweetand cute girl that I knew and I finally had the courage to ask her to be my girlfriend abd she said she was waiting for me to say something for years. Which meant she liked me even when I was fatter. So even though I wrote a lot. I wanted to share my story to show that not all people care about outer appearence. She love me because I was kind, sweet, and I genuinely cared for her. Not every is shallow. You'll find someone you loce sooner or later so dont worry about it. Also about the sex thing that will also come when you find the right girl that truly cares for you. Sex wil feel vetter with the one you love. Hope I helpd man

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  • I think you answered part of your question when you acknowledged that losing weight brought you attention from girls who previously would not have given you the time of day. This emotion on your part is far more common than you might imagine, for girls as well as guys.

    Might help, once you are able to filter out the purely shallow girls, to search something of a middle ground. It is quite likely that at least a few of these girls, especially ones whose opinions of you before you lost weight were never stated, could be quite genuine.

    Sometimes too it comes down to being direct. Say you're talking to a girl and shows interest. Simply express what you expressed here and make it plain that you will not tolerate being accepted solely for your looks. You don't have to sound egotistical, and i'm sure that if you do fully explain, it will not be taken that way.

    Footnote: sense of loneliness is almost universal in teenagers and often through the college years. What it signals is that you have precious memories and experiences you'd dearly love to share with someone. The reason you do not see it in your peers is that they are too busy posturing to spend time on their own innermost thoughts. But trust me, their needs are the same as yours.

    Finally, don't let human behavior dismay you. Even very ordinary people can be a royal pain in the ass and can do things that demonstrate no sense of conscience or consideration. You'll get used to it, and over and over again you will continue to filter out who you can.

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  • I understand you and where you are coming from. Unlike you for me its not about getting finally picked or anything its the way i am and how I interprit the rules of the game. I am a nice decent person, I get along with pretty much anyone on a friendly basis so making friends is not hard just going beyond that for me it. I was never given or got a chance but I figure it is what it is. I used to say why not get a prostitute or take substances to put that feel of lonliness or defeat in but its not worth it. Now I just put my energy in helping my church, joing up with random group meetups and trying to branch out and break my anxiety. But great question man.

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  • Yeah, I know what you mean. HAH, BUT still, there goes that feminine phrase... "beauty is on the inside" HA!!! If that were the case those ladies would not have slammed and ridiculed you. Stories like this proves beauty is really on the outside more. Ladies just don't want to admit it out loud or even on the internet.

    Anyways, there is always at least one nice, beautiful woman out there, even if someone like myself never takes the chance to ask her out.

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  • Learn that the rules are the rules. Dating is largely based off attraction, and a big part of that is physical attraction. You've become more physically attractive, so you have dating prospects. Accept it.

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  • find people that went through the same shiit as you did. you'll feel comfortable and maybe you should speak to fat or not so good lookin woman aswell and then as life goal you both go to gym be perfect together and yeah

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  • Don't hate the world because they appreciate hard work and drive. They have recognized that you are a person with drive who can accomplish something...

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  • You can't really avoid the whole vile by nature thing in humans. It's just how it is. You need to find someone who is worth being upset and hurt over sometimes as dumb as that sounds. Sadly though nowadays everyone seems to be full of shit.

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  • Dude I can relate so much. I've got a very similar story here.
    I used to look a little funny and then was also overweight but then eventually just out of fun lost the weight and even more I started taking up some sports and activities that lead me to have contact with a lot of women and I was really successful in this sport.
    Finally I was getting attention even from women that I never before though I could even talk to and then it finally happened I was actually hit on by a really nice girl she invited me straight out to hang out and it was great but of course it didn't pan out because I thought she was a good person but in fact as you said superficial people and I retreated into my own world again and it took me two years to start trusting people again. You guessed it I meat a girl she was really great and really interested in me so we took it really slow and everything finally seemed great and after less than a year again I got slammed because of her own problems but I really believed she was great (that's how it really felt) and now I'm going trough what you're talking about. I don't believe in the goodness of people anymore and I find myself distrustful of even people who have never done me any harm. I feel like everyone is out to get something from me and then discard me when they're done and I despise that because I never did that with people and I've always believed that you can be nice and do something good for even a stranger let alone someone you care about. And I really don't mind the girl that I love being attractive to me and me being attractive to her but it's so much more than just physical attraction but I realize it plays a part in it too.
    So I don't know either because I have the feeling that it's getting worse and worse like people were treating each other like disposable goods and on occasion I've thought about not being part of it anymore because I really hate this.

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  • Never forget the way women treated you in the past. Take revenge brah. We're all gonna make it. Zyzz forever mirin'

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  • I can relate.
    I started to dress differently and suddenly girls notice me, I change back and no one cares.

    I hate it. I just feels like they don't like me, but the mask I put on.

    My advice:
    Stay in physically good shape for it will increase your lifespan, if nothing else.

    Second and this is what I do:
    Go to church everyday, and pray to God.
    Ask him to find you the right girl for you. There is one!
    Follow the 10 commandments as best as you can.
    Stop masturbation if possible.
    Practice body language and other soft skills.
    Get a degree or a job and save money.

    This world is fucked up, it really is. I think it will change all very soon. Trust in Jesus, read the bible. If anything changes in the catholic church, don't follow it, it will be a lie. This world ends soon.

    Prepare, mentally and physically for survival.

    Take care.

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