Why is it still considered a guys "job" to approach girls?

i mean we like confident girls too, we have the same doubts, fears and feelings about approaching a girl as girls would have if they had to approach a guy.

what makes the approaching part our job? our penis? where is your so called "emancipation" when it comes to this? i find that unfair and outdated.


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Most Helpful Girl

  • Why is it still considered a guys "job" to approach girls?
    Likely the same reason why gals generally still do all/most of the household and childcare duties despite bringing in the same or similar amount of money or why there is still the sl*t/stud double standard. That reason being patriarchal gender roles.

    where is your so called "emancipation" when it comes to this?
    I'm unsure what emancipation has to do with this considering gal's rights were seemingly about legal issues. Gals may have equal rights however I find most often they aren't socially regarded equals so it's reasonable to be that in a romantic/sexual context many gals fall back on traditional gender roles.

    " i find that unfair and outdated."
    You finding it such is understandable to me as I note that guys generally only have issues with old-fashioned notions that don't give them the advantage.

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    • the houshold doublestandard is still a thing, i agree. it is unfair too and has to change in my opinion.

      emancipation is not only about legal issues. to me it´s also a mindset and in my opinion this could help to be regarded as equal.

      i´ll give you that, but you may also say girls generally have issues with modern notions, that deprive them of advantages.

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    • pretty good addition to the MH :) tanks mesonfielde.

    • @Mesonfielde
      That's not necessarily a two way street in my opinion. A two way street to me would be gals whining about 'receiving approaches' as guys whine about 'making approaches'.

      A gal choosing an option she seemingly enjoys isn't on the same street in my opinion as a guy whining about an option he seemingly doesn't enjoy.

      As for your talk on households not being governed by patriarchal gender roles that doesn't seem to be supported by studies at least when it comes to household/childcare duties. What doesn't seem governed by patriarchal gender roles when it comes to a household is financial contribution other than that it seems gals get the sh*tty end of the stick.

What Girls Said 13

  • Believe it or not but some guys love to be the one chasing the girls... I've experienced this so many times that it's enough to make me decide to not approach a guy ever again because I get coined as either desperate or clingy. It's happened way too much that guys lose interest in me when I show them that I too am interested. Guys seem to love mystery and as soon as a girl gets eager and shows some interest they run away. Just had this happen to me. Me and a guy were clicking very well and then when I started to initiate more and he pulled away completely. It's like many guys (not all likely) want what they can't have. As soon as you show they can have you they go away. I'm not playing that game anymore. Also with the amount of guys only interested in hook ups or sex it's extremely risky to make the first move for me. I'd rather have the guy court me and know his true intentions than making a move on a guy who ends up going in taking advantage of the fact that I like him and showed some initial interest. Many guys do that. You'll be surprised. Once they see you fancy them it's all about trying to push their luck and seeing how far they can get with you.

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    • i am not sure if thats just a thing confident guys like to do or if it´s all about the purpose... like if you were looking for a relationship, you wouldn´t care but if you just want sex its a game you want to win.

  • I don't use this social construct to avoid being out of my comfort zone. The reason I don't approach is because I did two times with my only 2 crushes and they rejected me and on top of that his friends called me names... And I became so insecure and self-conscious I feel like guys really find me fat and unattractive everytime I pass by. Believe me, I wish I would be so confident to ask the guys I like out, but they would probably laugh. So many pretty girls here and there's me lol.
    If I looked better and had confidence, believe me, I would also do it.
    And I don't know why, but it just seems different when a guy does it. I am sure you feel flattered and get an ego boost if a girl approaches you, but I think I take rejections really bad, unlike you.

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    • i can really understand that. guys get rejected all the time too and i personally take rejections really bad too but i guess thats not "normal" for a guy then... i think normal guys just stop giving a fuck and just go for the sex, cause asking out crushes is too painfull.

    • I don't think it's not normal.. it varies. The only reason I took these rejections bad is because they came with some making fun of me. I've actually started to change and trying to get some confidence. I think though that reacting to those rejections is normal. I mean, you can't possibly be a rock and not have feeling. So it is normal for guys. It's normal for everyone.

  • I wouldn't mind asking a guy out, if I were to be interested in a relationship that is.

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    • i was kind of assuming a relationship, not a hookup. at least one girl, who actually has no problem doing it :D

  • I have always been told that asking a guy out if you are a girl is considered being desperate. I think of it as the same as someone proposing to you. A woman woukdnt ask a man to marry her but sometimes they do.

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  • Because it is more romantic (^_^)

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    • love is romantic :D why does it matter so much, who asked out and who was asked out?

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    • Genes how nothing to do with romance, tradition does. Albeit this is the only tradition that I ended up adhering to, and I should also mention that a female asking out a male can also be romantic.

    • Wow, you people really take my mentioning of "can't change my genes" so seriously. Cute :)

  • We´ll approach you the day women get as high salaries and high rated jobs as men.

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    • so you wan´t something first, then you´ll do something? most times, live doesn´t work this way.

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    • Men get higher salaries? Why don't business just fire all the men and hire women because they get less. Pay employees less and keep more profit...

    • when women stop majoring in English and communications and psychology, maybe they'll get higher wages, haha. you do know that women in their 20's make more money on average then men in their 20's?

  • Lately I been trying to change that by approaching guys. Its fun, I get to choose who I want instead of them.

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  • I don't think it's just the guys job to do it. If I weren't ugly I would do the approaching more but I don't approach because I know guy won't like me. However, I don't even approach anyone, not even for friendship in case they don't want to hang out with an ugly woman. If I were a pretty girl I would approach men all the time. It's just that I know they will reject me. So why try when I already know the results? I don;t fear the rejection, I just know it will happen. I don't even think a guy will ever approach me. I am 27 and I have never had a boyfriend, so that's proof right there. I will never have a boyfriend.

    My mom raised my sister and I like to be like that. And I used to be like that until my teen years when I realized I was too ugly for it. My mom always approached men we were growing up (my dad died when I was little) and she was even one the one to propose to my step father. My sister approached all her boyfriends. She just moved in with her boyfriend and she was the one to ask him to let her move in.

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    • i don´t care how "ugly" my friends are, to be honest :) but i think for every "look" there are a lot of guys, who will like it.

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    • Well so far I haven't met anyone that doesn't mind. Also, I know my life better than you do. So just because you don't believe it isn't that bad, doesn't mean it isn't. Too many people can't tell me I am ugly without it being true. Including my mother and sister.

    • sorry wantet to cheer you up a bit and don´t insult you xD i know parents will never tell you this.

  • I wouldn't ask a guy out for a couple reasons.. one of which is that I'm very shy so it's just never gonna happen for me. And another is that I'm pretty traditional in my outlook on dating. But that's my personal choice. I don't have any problem with girls who ask guys out. Good for them. It's all personal choice.

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  • You know, I don't really think its considered a guys job. If a girl likes a guy, we WILL make the effort to talk to him. You guys just happen to approach girls that haven't decided that they like you. And then whine that we don't approach you first... when we are completely oblivious to everything that you're thinking. You see a hot girl on the street and get mad that she doesn't approach you... that seems so stupid to me XD Believe me, if a girl found you attractive, she would make an effort to talk to you, unless she was really shy. Times have changed!

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    • :D i´d really love it, if you were right, i hope you are.

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    • i am at college too though :)

    • well then, there you go! good luck :D

  • Actually, I've met many men that find it unattractive to be pursued by a female despite her attractiveness. To have her attention, yes, but to be chased by, no. Some find it unnatural and pushy and would prefer to follow the natural instinct of a man going after what he wants.

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  • Because many girls are content being single so if guys didn't do the approaching, many girls wouldn't find it worth the trouble :p

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    • well thats a disturbing point of view. a lot of girls are with some random dude, just so they are not alone.

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    • Ah. Well I suppose she'll one day figure it out. I had a friend like that where I knew she was in an abusive relationship, but she didn't figure it out until he gave her a concussion by throwing her against a wall. You just have to be there for her, I guess. And not be judgmental and say "I told you so." When she figures it out.

    • i am. she told me that she was not happy and that he treats her like shit, so told him several times that this is not a way to treat a gf (there is no physical violence in this case) he says he doesn´t care, she is free to go, if she can´t handle it... so i told her this and she trys to break up but then he is super nice all of a sudden so she changes her mind about break up again and he goes on treating her like shit the day after... i guess, you are right. i hope she will learn.

  • Lol it's funny because the only guys that complain about this are the guys that can't get any girls

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    • you are partially right. i can´t get a girl for relationship... if i´d only go for sex, i wouldn´t have a problem.

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    • Well who should? It doesn't make sense to whine about a problem you don't have.

    • i just read another thread where a girl said "it´s his job to do it". in my opinion both genders should be "expected" to do it. i am not saying "damn i have no gf, y u no ask me out?" if that´s what it looked like to you xD

What Guys Said 20

  • This is a really interesting question, because while I consider myself an advocate of equality, it is true that it is more beneficial for the male to approach the female for a few reasons. The most worthy of note is the pride of the male. Even though they whine about having to approach, they are likely to feel "inferior" in a sense if this task is done by someone else rather than them. Apart from this ego thing, a male for some reason is more likely to abuse a female's approach for sex than vice versa, most likely because of the social pressure put on males to have sex, but also the hypersexuality caused by excessive masturbation. It is also worth noting that the reason why this does not go both ways is because of how female sexuality supposedly devalues the female (importance of virginity, slut shaming, traditions and religion, etc.) so overall, being the female initiator has higher risks than 'just rejection', you also have a chance to be physically used with no real intention of forming a real relationship.

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  • well I think because guys and gals are so different in a way that if a guy approaches a girl and wins her over he feels fucking awesome! its like a prize. if a girl can get a man to approach her and hit on her and get with her then that makes her feeling fucking awesome! and that is like her prize. this would be generally speaking. but im sure there are girls that feel the same way guys do when they play the role of the man but for the most part I do believe people are just comfortable in the roles society has placed on us.

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    • i agree, for me it definetely works if the girl asks me out. i think girls use this old social construct as an excuse to stay in their comfort zone.

  • Girls without any confidence are absolutely adamant about how they feel a guy should approach. These girls aren't worth dating anyway as a lack of confidence is a staircase effect to many other issues she probably has.

    More and more girls are approaching guys these days though. Sometimes it's a blessing, other times it is a curse. It's great when the girl is cool, but when you got a 300lber wanting you like a piece of meat it sucks.

    Girls who claim they're "old fashioned" really aren't. You can easily prove them wrong by saying "Fine... but you're staying home and taking care of the kids and you're not questioning any of it" like they do in "old fashioned marriages." They use this excuse to act like "Well.. it's always been this way" and on top of that, they just want all the benefits of this so-called "old fashioned" dating without any of the responsibilities.

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  • I wouldn't have it any other way.

    I take pride in fullfiling my role as a male and unlike most don't see a reason or a need to have such gender roles changed. Overcoming such trivial fears has been apart of the basic building blocks of masculinity since the dawn of humans and it serves us in more ways then what is seen at face value.

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    • thats just bro science to me but i respect that opinion

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    • If you're interested in someone then show said person you're interested... every damn time. In my opinion you shouldn't be thinking about it in the context of who makes the first move, the point is that you take action.

      And for what ever it's worth... women don't suffer, most of them in any case, from the same sort of fatal attraction. They're more in part emotional beings, which means they must feel something, which means you must illicit an emotional response, which means you have to be the cause; not a result.

      People can try as they will but the gender equality they seek will NEVER happen because there are basic differences that cannot be undone.

      It's who we are, who you are... your fighting yourself for something that cannot be.

    • i think that made your point accessible to me :) i think i understand it now. thanks.

  • Someone has to ask and most girls aren't going to ask because like most guys they are shy and don't want to face rejection, so I take it upon myself to ask them instead. It's no big deal really, it's just a question which can be said within a few seconds.

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  • It's not your job to pursue but it certainly increases your chances when you put yourself out there and risk rejection. But yes it is outdated and although not every woman thinks it's the mens job to pursue; some still do. However, that stigma is breaking down gradually. A lot of women are doing the chasing now days.

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  • If you want something in life you have to go for it, it isn't going to fall into your lap. That's true of everything in life. Not just Women.

    Sure, you could stand around trying to look as appealing as possible and hope that some Women might talk to you, and maybe a few will.

    But if you want to greatly increase your chances, its better to put your fears aside and go for it. I would hardly call that unfair or outdated. Its just common sense really.

    Plus, as long as you don't act like an ass or a creeper most Women are a lot nicer than you may think when it comes to politely rejecting someone. And we have all have experienced it in some form or another.

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    • i agree to all this but i still think it´s wrong to assume it a guys job to do it.

  • Thank you.

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  • Market forces.

    1. Girls are usually too scared to approach guys.

    2. Attractive women usually don't have to approach guys.

    3. Not approaching girls will kill your dating life. Imagine if half of guys approach, and half don't. That half that approaches will have their pick of the litter.

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    • i wasn´t saying anything about not approaching women. i do it if i think it´s worth it but i think it´s unfair to say its a guys job to do it.
      if i was a hot looking girl i would know, every guy that approaches me, basically only wants sex so i´d better take it in my own hands.

  • It comes down to eggs vs sperm.

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  • It's not. Girls approach all day every day.

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  • Don't hate the players, hate the game. Just own your responsibilities and be thankful for them.

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  • ya i can't stand it, never understood why and how it is masculine behavior

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  • Ummm... they do approach, but it scares me off. lol

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  • i can't stand it but i know i have no choice but to accept and deal with it

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  • Because women want all the benefits and advantages that guys have in life but none of the responsibilities that guys have.

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  • They approach me, but why would you limit your options to those who take a run at you when you can pick someone you want to be with? I know I wont... Many women are stupid in that regard, they will see a man they think is really interesting, hot, smart, funny, etc. but they won't do anything about it and then that man just walks right out of their life and they get to sit home on their ass Friday night eating ice cream and complaining that they'll be a cat lady some day. There's no harm in entertaining girls that approach, but also be on the look out for what you want. Go get it when you see it.

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    • i wasn´t going to stop approaching girls or expecting only girls to do it. i just don´t like the "guys have to do it, its not my job" conception.

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    • Last night I also met a pretty cute girl who is the daughter of the friend of the family. She also made the move to come an introduce herself to me, but in a more wholesome way. I was meeting the friend of the family for other reason, but she was hung on me and watching my every move, listening in on my conversation in the background. :p

      Girls that approach are more often than not, not what I'm looking for. Every once in a while there's some potential though. When it comes to girls I approach, they generally always have some sort of perceived potential in my eyes. It's time better spent most of the time.

    • that makes actually a lot of sense... i didn´t experience "a lot of" girls coming to me though, so it didn´t appear to me yet.

  • I like a confident girl too. But I don't like weak men or weak women.

    And it so happens I am in a lot of unrequited love, so it's always my job. :(

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  • I would not mind approaching a girl, except they could do a lot more to help make it easier..

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