Why doesn't he want commitment? Shall I let him go? Please help?

If you've been dating a guy you really like and he likes you too but he's not willing to commit because he's too "busy" and doesn't want anything right now would you hang around and see if he wants something in a few months time? This is stressing me out and I want to know what I should do? Stay with him and see him as usual now and again and hope he stays true to his word and wants to be official? Or look else where and end it? He's driving up this Wednesday to talk about it so I need to give a firm answer by then on where we should go from here.


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Most Helpful Girl

  • This was the issue with one of my previous relationships aswell and I know only how frustrating it is! He wanted his own space and independence and I kept insisting that I wasn't try to force him into a massive commitment and that we could still do the things we liked and wanted, but he seemed to have a commitment anxiety. He just was petrified that being in a relationship meant sacrificing his independence. In the end though it just make me feel unloved and under appreciated because I felt like I was constantly having to reassure him that we could go slow or back off whereas he never told me or made me feel like he wanted me or wanted to commit to me in anyway. I would tell him how you feel, if he really cares about you he will take on board what you've said and how you feel and try to make little changes. If he's not willing to show that he wants to be in a relationship or commit at all then he's probably just not ready or too immature for a relationship right now, and it's not worth you getting upset over because he will only change when he wants to :)

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    • Thats so true! I feel that because I've literally said do you want to commit he thinks that he can't go about his normal life or be independent! Thanks for your advice, I guess there's nothing I can do, I've told him how I feel and thats all I can do!

What Guys Said 4

  • if he's about your age, chances are he doesn't want to give up "the game" just yet. Most guys need to play the game and come to the conclusion that they suck at it before they resign themselves to settling down.

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  • It depends... what is he busy with? If it's work, then sure why not stick around. If it's him banging other girls. Then of course not, and move on.

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    • Well he says its work but he also says its because he has a lot of festials/holidays booked which makes me a bit skeptical. The thing is I told him it will be exactly the same as we are now, it just a step further to show we are commited. Just don't get it cause he says he only interested in me , cares for me, and I'm the only girl that he would ever show to his parents yet he still doesn't want to be my boyfriend. Unfortunately I feel its because he wants to "bang" other girls and keep me as the more special and important one for the time being. Thank you for your advice though :)

  • Meh, he is playing you a bit.. If you stick arround all the time, your playing his game.

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    • Thanks for the reply! Well this is what I thought, thing is Im not even being pushy when I ask him, its the fact that he freaks out a bit and is terrified at the thought of just putting a name on our relationship (GF/BF) . He even agrees that everything I say is perfectly logical and I have a right to be annoyed yet does nothing about it

    • Well, there you go.. Its very simple, you want the commitment and he does not, ask him again.. But i know for a fact when we really like/love a girl.. We will most likely commit.

  • If you're with a good guy, someone you think you *want* to commit to, but are prepared to dump him because he won't commit right now, then you're not really in love with him, you're just desperate to be in a committed relationship. You want the status, more than the man. The ring, more than the partner.

    And that's kind of sick.

    Since you don't love him, dump him. He needs to find a girl who loves him more than she loves the idea of being with someone.

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    • Its not that I only want the status at all I just want us to commit to each other and only see each other because we both really like each other. So thats why Im asking him to commit to me but he doesn't want to even though he does say he likes me. Which to me suggests he still wants to openly talk to other girls if and for me to openly talk to guys. I'm not being sick at all btw, I've told him how much I like him and I want to be able to love him because I believe I could but I feel guarded to show more feelings because he's not willing to commit.

    • If you think there's a problem in *talking* to other people, yeah, there's a problem.

      No guy worth a damn, will ever want to be with a girl who says he can't talk to other women. That's retarded.

      You have a lot to learn.

What Girls Said 7

  • Omg. We have the same situation. I can't deny but we have.
    I have a best friend and I want him so badly to have a commitment but then he said "This is not yet the right time". He's busy in his schooling and his aunt told him not to enter such relationship yet and he doesn't want long distance. His cousin always told me "Wait for the right time" and I can't just wait! Hahah well, I admit, girls really love to have commitment with the guy we love.

    I want to share with you what I do now with my situation and yours as well.
    1. I distract myself from doing things (hobby, movies etc) -- I am doing this for a week now and I admit that I am still thinking of him every time I wake up and before going to sleep. It's really hard to forget him. But anyway it's for the best.
    2. Limit my conversation with him -- I turned off my chatbox with him and then I blocked his calls and messages on my phone so that I would not receive any. I just want to limit the spark and let it all fade away.
    3. I am still his best friend -- no matter what, I still am no matter the 'love more than a bestfriend" thing will be gone.

    I do this because I want to challenge him. If he really want me badly, he'll look after me, Find ways to contact me, or even search for me. I just want to see how sincere he is. I just dont want him to feel that I can't live without him. He might end playing me or "uh, whatever. She loves me and I know she'll back". No, I don't want that. Love is a game for me. Search me or Loose me something-kind-of-game. :)

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    • Thank you so much for your advice :)! I guess I can do these things but Its difficult because I do really like him so as it stands I have no interest in anyone else. I feel I could do this to make him jealous and chase me but then I feel like were playing games a bit, and I don't know if he'll definitely change his mind or not in the future even though he says he does want to be with me. I guess I'll just have to get on with life lol

    • I've been doing this two weeks already. I have tried many attempts but this time I finally find the courage to do these things. Time definitely heals and you can find answers. I feel you because we do have the same situation. Boys play games. Men don't. So, let's test who he is so that we'll know. :D And yes, we have to move on but still continuing this game. If we don't, we are only losing ourselves that's why we need to distance from this feeling as soon as possible. If you feel that chasing him and waiting for him is kinda stupid, you have to let yourself go away from him. :D

  • I'm in the same situation right now. I've been seeing this guy for two months now and he is afraid of commitment. He told me I might be the girl he's willing to risk it with, but its been a month since he's said that. We have talked about it before because I felt like I was wasting my time. He told he really likes me and that he isn't playing me because I'm the only one he wants to date... I still don't know what to call us so I've been saying I'm seeing someone or dating.

    I would be honest with him and let him know what you want out of it. I still second guess myself sometimes but each time I see him, we get closer and closer. So for me I'm sticking around to see where this thing goes. But don't wait forever..

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    • Thanks for your reply, Its a difficult situation isn't it. I guess you've been seeing the guy for 2 months or so so there's still time to see if he's willing to commit. But I've been seeing this guy for 9 months and I feel that if he likes me and only wants to see me then whats the harm in commiting to each other. I know he really likes me to but he has no reason to not want to be with me other than he says he's too "busy" to have enough time for me. I've been honest with him and I haven't pushed him too much to commit cause I'm very laid back, it just worries me that he seems a bit frightened almost of the thought of committing :(

    • yeah it is very frustrating. I would wait around for another month to see where things lead, but if he's still telling you he's too "busy" to commit then walk away from him. See if he follows after you. Play the game right back to him. If he doesn't go after you, then you know he isn't the right guy for you.

  • I am currently in this situation. First I would suggest, tell him what you really want. Tell him You want to be in a serious committed relationship, that you want love. It doesn't hurt to say, because you want to be on the same page as him. I would say, set a time limit. Mine is 1st week of August.
    Once you've decided on your own personal time limit, stick to it. Know when enough is enough. When it’s time to let go and move on. It’s different for everyone, but at some point trust your gut instincts. If you've passed your time limit and he’s clearly showing you he’s not coming around, then respect yourself and gracefully move on.

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    • Thanks for the reply, I have told him that I want a relationship but he says he's too busy with work, other events in his life to give me his full time. Which I understand, and I don't want to feel like he can't do everything he did before, I just want us to be at a point where he is willing to be with me and only me seen as though he says I'm the only one he's interested in. I have thought of setting a limit, he did say that come September time he will be ready and less busy but how am I to know that lol? If not I guess I'll have to move on

    • We can keep hanging on for so long, believing that it will be different this time; that we finally know what we're doing. We see past his behavior, to that inner part of him that shows so much potential if he would only commit, motivated by the fear that if we let him go, he will be finally ready to commit to us and we will be too late. It is a fear that we can't explain and anyone who hasn't been in our shoes won't be able to understand it. It can be such a lonely place to be when we feel no one quite understands or has any real answers for us.
      Just continue living your life, and only give your heart away to a man who proves himself worthy of that beautiful love you offer on that deeper level.

    • Thanks for reply again, means a lot. I feel that I might be too pushy in telling him we should commit but I just don't see why he wouldn't want to if I'm the only one he is interested to, especially since he says he cares about me a lot ! So confusing , and its ten times worse cause I do really like him :(

  • if you like this guy and think that this relationship could work, then maybe hang around for a bit. but i would hate to wait for very long.

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  • If you have to hope for committment, then you can do better. You can waste valuable time on someone if you have to wait.

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  • Pssshhh NO. I hardly want to commit to someone myself let alone sit around waiting for some a##hole to make his mind up about me.. If I wanted commitment I'd get it and it wouldn't be by waiting around hanging by a thread for someone who sees me as just another option.

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    • I guess your right, you a lot more firm than me I guess haha :) Thanks for your advice

  • If he won't commit and you want him to then you need to leave this guy

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