Why do guys keep turning me down? I've literally tried everything. Am I that unlikeable?

I'd hate for this to turn into those 'am I likable' 'would you date me' kinda of questions, but I really have to know. After three years of being turned down and laughed at when I ask guys out, using the internet and apps and getting no messages, and just floating around almost unnoticed by anyone, I just want to know what's going on.
I know being vague is going to make this a little difficult to answer, but like I said I'm not really fishing. Plus in my own head I feel like I'm quite datable. I've heard a number of people say that I have a lot more good qualities than I let people believe I have, I just wait for a good enough situation to bring them out. Like I've heard it said that I'm really empathetic and protective and kind and if someone needs that person to talk to I'm a good choice for it; and these are all things I never notice until it comes up so I often get told later that I am these things and more. And I'd like to believe I was a good girlfriend, because I know for sure I wasn't a bad one. But I just cannot even find a guy who would give me just enough time of day to even talk to me and figure out who I am. I'm a personality kind of person so maybe that's why they dont like me much; that is to said id rather spend months getting to know you before we went out vs making out when you want me to and we make it a thing later when we can finally breathe. I don't know. I just want one guy. One that's actually willing to figure me out enough to see I'm not so bad, but anytime I ask them out they laugh at me (I stopped after two guys because of that so now I don't do the asking anymore). I just don't want to be alone. I know it sounds lame, but I literally have so much love I want to give a person and can't, that it's physically starting to hurt.

Updates:
http://instagram.com/p/phU1YCh2e5/?modal=true
i don't wear makeup often. i usually do only if i'm that bored one day or i'm going somewhere dressy.
The months thing isn't how long it takes for me to want to hang out with someone on a date. It takes me that long to know if I want to actually be official with a person.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • I want to call attention to this statement: "id rather spend months getting to know you before we went out vs making out when you want me to". There is a false dichotomy here. You are assuming that going out with someone necessarily involves making out and getting sexual. Throw that assumption in the trash where it belongs. You can get into a relationship with someone and still refrain from getting physically intimate.

    Your non-acknowledgement of having this option is probably why you wait so long to get into relationships. The truth is, there's nothing wrong with getting into official relationships more quickly, provided that you remember that you are not obligated to become physically intimate as soon as that happens. You can still have a long waiting period WITHIN the relationship in which you refrain from being physically intimate until you are more sure about a guy's character. There's NOTHING wrong with that.

    Because you have been thinking that you are obligated to become physically intimate as soon as the relationship starts, you have been postponing the creation of the relationship, which means that you are not sending as many signals of attraction and receptiveness to the men that you are interacting with. As @AmongTheApples said, this lack of signals causes men to lose hope, so they start looking for hope elsewhere (with other women).

    With that said, I want to mention your presentation. You have an attractive face and slender body, which are both pleasing to the eye, but your fashion sense... You have overalls (masculine) over sportswear (masculine) which is black (overused by black women) translucent so it shows your bra (suggesting an easy lay). Embrace your femininity (to appeal to men more), embrace colors that create a pleasant contrast with your skin tone to make yourself more visually interesting (thus attracting male attention toward your femininity), and embrace modesty (so you attract the right kind of male attention).

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    • Thank you for this. And I know you don't have to get into any kind of thing physically, but I'm on a college campus. That's literally all any of them care about, or they act like they do.

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    • Yeah, I guess.

    • A depressing conclusion, I know. The advice is sound, though. If you want to catch a quality fish, would you cast out your line a bunch of times in a lake covered with green sludge and lots of fish floating on the surface belly up? Or, would you wait until you are in a cleaner lake to try to catch a quality fish? Sometimes, you just need to wait for a cleaner lake to fish in. Indeed, that lake is likely to have, not only more quality fish, but higher quality fish. That's the bright side of your current situation. You have more incentive to focus on your grades, extracurriculars, and career, which will make it easier for you later in life to catch a fish of even higher quality than the ones your friends are catching in all this sludge -- assuming that your friends are even catching these fish, instead of the fish just nibbling at the bait and later swimming away.

What Guys Said 15

  • Although there is only so much that I can glean from that close up of your face, I'd say that your attractive or, at least, have an attractive face, which is the biggest determiner of whether or not someone is attractive. You're also talented (great drawings by the way). Based on "The months thing" (and how you explained it), I think that I can safely infer your problem. According to a lot of psychological research people like those who like, or appear to like, them; and the converse is true to—people dislike those who dislike, or appear to dislike, them. What does this mean for you?

    It means that you've got to indicate that you're attracted to them. If you go months without flirting or somehow indicating that you want more, then, during those months, the guys' attraction toward you is diminishing. Obviously, you don't want that to happen. In other words, a guy could have started out very attracted to you, but, because of your lack of signals, he's going to start losing interest. And, believe it or not, the more attracted a person is initially, the quicker they'll lose interest if they haven't gotten any "return" signals.

    There's nothing wrong with being cautious—in fact, you (and everyone for that matter) should be—but as you're getting to know the guy, you have to signal that you are attracted and that you might want more. In other words, you got to give the guy hope.

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  • To a degree I understand you because I have kind of a similar problem. I could never find a girl that would be interested in me or even take the time to get to know me. But it has happened a couple of times and yes I've been told the same thing that I have tried dating out of my league and similar bs but looking back far from it because all the girl I have been with I've always asked myself why would beautiful girls see in me and the answer way my personality at least the ones that took the time to get to know me and not reject me at the first step. But then later on it has always shown to be a problem that either there was a problem with the relationship from the beginning like they had boyfriends but concealed the fact or they were afraid of commitment with me because they thought that I deserved better or something along these lines.
    But my point is don't try to hard to make an impression on people because you don't need to. If they're not able to take the time to get to know you before deciding what kind of interaction they want to have with you they're obviously not the kind of people you want in your life. So if you feel like what you've been doing is the right thing keep doing it and keep learning from it but mostly don't let it get you down. You deserve to be with the kind of person who suites you just the way you want it to. That's the trick everybody does and once we're wise enough to find one it happens so don't rush into stuff because you can't force anything. :)

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  • You might be trying too hard dear. you seem pretty cool. But you might be coming off as desperate which is a huge turn off to guys. Maybe you are reading things the wrong way when it comes to talking to people. Though I have to wonder what kind of men you are talking to, and whether they are really that thoughtful, because laughing at someone when they ask you out is pretty mean. I would tell someone I am flattered, but I would not laugh at them.

    Id say if you need to just be you, you will draw the right guy in when the time is right. Its cliche, but its what I have learned over the years. If you want to discuss it more PM me.

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    • I've heard that 'when the time comes' thing for years. You know what happens when I ignore it and just wait, nothing. But you what happens when I try, nothing. Maybe I am desperate because if I don't do anything, nothing will happen. I wouldn't be as desperate if I had the chance at least once. I get being rejected, I'm really fine with that, but over and over again to where it becomes a constant is just disheartening and makes no sense.

    • I have that particular coffee mug and tshirt. so I know how you feel. But still after having going the go getter route, ending up in some really screwy situations, and then finding out that I would rather have my own company than someone that gets on my nerves, Ill go with biding my time. If I end up alone then thats what the fates have deemed to happen.

  • You sound like a cool person, and the way you ask people out is reasonable, so the next reasonable point as where an error could be found is either that you're asking them out to a specific location - an extra effort rather than speaking to them through IM or at the campus: much less effort; or something appearance-based, or another factor not obviously available to us. Or the guys you asked out are just assholes. ((Although the guy who said "that's cute but no thanks" didn't seem like he tried to be actively malicious, just uninterested.))

    If you can spare to send a picture or two for assessment in PM, that would be nice. I always tend to say it's probably because of wearing too much makeup, and I can't tell if I don't know.

    Note: "but I literally have so much love I want to give a person and can't,"
    That's a recipe for clinginess and possible possessiveness, so be on look out to moderate that if so.

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    • I'll give you possessiveness but it's not a weird kind of thing. I like making people feel good. I don't mean like that, I just mean I like listening about things and making things for people and doing something meaningful for them; not to make them like me more but because I like them so much.

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    • there's a link in the updates. and i always thought if you invited someone somewhere specific than it makes the intention easier to figure out. for instance if i say i want to meet them at a coffee shop, then they know it's just to sit and talk about whatever. maybe i approach this the someway a guy would and it's weird or something. the only reason i ask in person is because i don't run into a lot of them on social media. and i figure it'd be more personal that way anyway.

    • i do live in the usa.

  • Considering the probability that you approached guys who you did not know personally, one can only assume that your success rate with guys is directly related to your appearance, style, persona, approach, or body language.

    Do you feel that you come across as normal in such ways, compared to your female peers?

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    • i mean, my friends are probably cuter than i am as far as behavior and appearance goes. to be fair, and i already know and don't really care about this, compared to them i'm a little more of a tomboy, which isn't exactly fair because there's another friend of mine that's a tomboy (slightly less than i am) but she's had the longest relationship of any of us and she gets hit on a whole lot. every guy friend we make has been interested in her at least once. and then there's the others; they're all cute in bubbly ditzy kind of ways and dress girly and makeup and all. so there's probably that… there should be a link in updates, i don't want it to be appearance really, but if it is, that's all i got. i'm not changing for people again.

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    • If it's paint and clay they want, then paint and clay they get.

    • Keep it light. You'll be fine. Trust.

  • I think I see one problem you have right there in your question details. You say you want to spend months getting to know a guy before you ever go out with him. Having that policy might really work against you. Obviously you're not gonna go out with somebody you have never met (unless it's a blind date), but having to know someone for months before you go on a date with them is going too slow, in my opinion.

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    • Then I'll clarify. What it takes is months before we go out as in a relationship. I don't get attracted to people immediately. I don't know if I want to date you at first second or third glance. However like I said somewhere here, guy in my class started making it a point to wave at me when he saw me. We had a group project once and that was the first time I talked to him. I wanted to hang out with him, but only to find out if I actually wanted to be with him or was just infatuated with him and he's not as nice as I thought he was.

    • Okay, I hear what you're saying. You're such a pretty girl, I would hate it if you were putting up any barriers to having guys feel like it's okay to ask you out.

    • Thanks. I mean, I'm cautious but not enough to where it's visible on my person. I'm just a person like everyone, except somehow not. I know enough tricks from self help books the lady at the book store in that section knows me by name.

  • This is actually kinda what dating is like as a man so I'll give you the same advice I would give them;

    Dating is a crap shoot so be ready for all kinds of shit. When it comes to rejection it's a numbers game and you just have to keep sluggin away until you find someone, unfortunately many people get off on turning others down so be ready for all kinds of nuclear rejections.

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    • i guess i didn't consider i'd strike out so often though. at the very least they could pity me and at least go out once. haha

  • From what you're saying, you're not successfully getting even first dates.

    So what do you look like?

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    • I'm just a person. 5'5 black girl. Short hair and dark brown eyes. Slim but not skinny, like an I've been losing weight just by running and toning slim. I don't dress up a whole lot because I'm an art student and I work with clay and paint and a lot of chemicals that would mess nice clothes up. Just a person.

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    • My gut is if these guys are attractive enough that other girls are commenting in front of you about them and are articulate as well... you're going after VERY in demand guys. That doesn't mean its impossible, it means you need to expect a high rejection rate though.

      I'm also going to throw out there that you could try striking up conversations with more guys just as a matter of course, without knowing if you find them attractive on a psychological level or not. Rather then waiting for them to reveal themselves, you can just interact and see who you like AND who is showing interest back.

    • they probably are really in demand but i figure it'd be refreshing not coming across a girl that's like 'hey, i want to get with you.' but that seems to be what they respond to. and i'm fine with making guy friends, but once i make them as friends that's typically where they stay. not because i want them to but they just stay there. they don't expect anything else from me.

  • Yes, but why... why do they laugh, why do they turn you down?

    If something doesn't work stop doing it - no I don't mean stop trying to find someone, I mean stop doing it the same way that clearly doesn't work.

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    • You got me. Maybe because I don't ask normal? I thought my asking was fine. All I said was 'hey. I've noticed you were in my class and I've seen you around before and you seem kinda cool. Can we talk more, maybe meet in the galley or the coffee shop one day?'

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    • that just makes it ten times harder really. i mean, the last time i tried i just felt stupid. i read enough self help books on which way to do things and how to other things. and it's stupid, because it doesn't work. it's like a vicious circle. if you don't flirt you don't get people, if you do they don't notice and you still don't get people.

    • I'll have to agree with you on that one.

      Reality suck sometime.

  • I can't get the Instagram pic to load.

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  • Let's see what you look like.

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    • I look like a girl. That's about it.

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    • Actually that's probably true. I know for a fact I get discouraged easy. I've been that way for years about everything.

    • You gotta work on that. It can't hurt

  • What type of guys do you go for?

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    • it's hard to explain because there aren't a lot of traits that they share from person to person. the ones they do share (or seem to when i decide to like them) is they're really thoughtful and nice and attractive kind of people i guess.

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    • You maybe going for guys who aren't attracted to you

    • Probably. I don't know anymore. Makes sense.

  • well i am likeable today and then unlikeable by next day, i felt screw this shit, i don't have to put myself with all shit to be likeable

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  • i think your very pretty, most guys want a girl who they dont respect, because its easier to not have feelings, iif your the friend then we can't help but have those feelings which scare us to death

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    • thanks. and i keep hearing that but i don't want it to be true. because how is it possible my friends are meeting all these guys and dating and all these relationships that are happening around me? it's like its just me sometimes.

    • Your time will come just dont pick the first jerk that comes along

  • If a girl is having trouble with men, she's dating out of her league.

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    • I'm not really a fan of the term "league" because leagues are arbitrarily defined.
      Anyone who claims to be a certain "league" is just trying to find an excuse to be an asshole.

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    • Whether you believe leagues exist doesn't change the fact that they do exist. A fat ugly chick isn't going to get Channing Tatum no matter how good her personality is.

    • and then you come here and see the people around here, your theory is out of the window. besides, there's more people that don't care than you think.

What Girls Said 4

  • By some of the comments you posted on some of the replies I may have a reason. I feel like you don't really know these people before you approach them. Yeah you've seen them in class, but it needs to be more. Sit by them regularly and start small talk. You can even suggest studying together if you have a tough class. It doesn't make you sound too eager and in the process of succeeding in class, you're also making friends. That's what I have done. It's hard to answer direct questions like "do you want to hang out?" when the people don't really know you. I have made friends in every one of my classes and they've all been guys besides one. The best part about this is you're not giving off that you're interested just yet, it's completely innocent. If a guy asked me to study outside of class I would be far more willing to say yes than if he just asked me out. Hope this helps!

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  • you are pretty girl... keep growing... there is a saying...
    Keeps A Green Tree In Your Heart And Perhaps A Singing Bird Will Come

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    • thanks. i like that, i just don't know how true i believe it to be anymore. i know that's pessimistic but i'm working on it.

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    • Yeah I guess. I'll just keep doing that. Thanks.

  • At least you made an effort, I wish I have your courage
    And I agreed with molan

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    • Thanks but it's definitely wearing away now. And I get what he's saying but I can think of nothing else to do but just being up front and saying I'd to know you.

  • You must be unlikeable because you're not ugly. I was going to ask if you were ugly, but you're not. So there must be something seriously wrong with you. Oh well, you're still young.

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    • oh thanks. that's great advice. you're not ugly so you must suck as a person. i'll take that and work on it.

    • She doesn't really sound like a bad person based on what she said here, though.
      I guess it really comes down to that the too-straightforward initiation causes cautiousness.

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