Guys: What are the most important things a girl can do in the early stages of dating?

So, I've just started to date this amazing guy. He's anything I've ever dreamed of! He said me 'I'm really starting to like you', whatever that means, and that he's dreamed about a girl like me.

But I've screwed up every time in my previous relationships and pushed the guys away. I don't wanna do that again! So could you please tell me what do you think is most important in the beginning of a relationship? What kind of behavior is turn off, what do you appreciate?

I try to act in the way that I don't show my interest too much, I don't wanna see too eager or too needy. But I really don't know how to act "in between", because then I can end up being too cold?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • What you can do to help yourself is don't give your heart away too quickly you just started dating him. You're still getting to know the guy so try to not think of him as your "soul mate" if it is still early. Its good to be excited but don't put yourself in a vulnerable position early on.

    *This might sound odd but don't give this person all of your attention, you say you just started dating him so I don't know how long that means but its cool he is a dream guy but he is still a guy.

    As far as what you can do for him. I would just say don't play games, be straight forward, and considerate of him. I can't tell your age but if you two are working and in school then its nice to know if a girl understands that and doesn't try to contact you when you're busy. Also not playing games and being straight forward, shows you're honest about your intentions and liking him. Its not the same as being "clingy". Honesty demonstrates a person has maturity and is someone you can trust which will make the guy more open.

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    • Thank you :) There was a lot of good advice here. We have been seeing each other a couple of months now. He's 21, I'm 24, both students.. I was wondering if you could give me an example what you would considerate "clingy" and what is "straight forward and honest"? :)

    • "Clingy" to me is like constantly telling him you like him, talking about the future (marriage or long term) when you've only just started dating, and constantly contacting him.

      Being honest is just that really. Telling him you want to get to know him and that even though its early on, you still like him and think he's a good guy.

    • Okay, that was very helpful! I've been afraid I might be "clingy" but at least according to your definition I'm just honest... I don't really talk about future (more than maybe what's the plans for the next weekend), and most of the times he's iniatiating contact. I never complain if it takes a long time for him to get back to me (he's been working this summer in a restaurant, busy times) and I'm cool if he can't see me etc. I just say like "oh, that's unfortunate, but no worries, I understand, we'll reschedule". Of course I'm a bit upset but I truly understand that something more important can come up, it happens to me sometimes, too. So I hope I'm on the good side haha :D

What Guys Said 3

  • That's a very interesting question.

    Whether you're going in for an interview in the hopes of securing a job, or going on a date in the hopes of securing a long-term life partner, what's the number one reason you fcuk up? Really? No idea? YOU'RE NERVOUS! On that point, a few words from Eleanor Roosevelt:

    "You wouldn't worry so much about what others think of you if you realized how seldom they do."

    "We are afraid to care too much, for fear that the other person does not care at all."

    and from Kurt Vonnegut,

    "We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be."

    The best candidate (in terms of an interview) that I've ever had was a modest (but confident) 5Y attorney out from Long Island. Didn't bother with gimicks, didn't go over the top, wasn't just curled up in his chair and quite as he nervously awaited for me to lead things. He was balanced, and we could have a normal and natural conversation together. I don't even remember "what" we talked about, but I'll never forget "how" we went about communicating with one another that day.

    Similarly, I had the unfortunate luxury of acting as my younger brother's wingman/matchmaker fairly recently. He works in biotech as a biochemical engineer, so he's clueless about women (and people in general). Thankfully, the majority of dating today is done through text message, social media, or e-mail, so it's almost like going through a deposition transcript (everything is on record; everything). Surprisingly, not a single woman came off as "too forward" or "needy." I guess that's because ALL women don't want to come off that way, so instead, they come off to some extreme opposite version of needy (e. g., uninterested, disinterested, apathetic, confused, or confusing).

    Who made the best impression? It's not rocket science - the one that was honest and genuine.

    Now, I get it. Dating is rough. Everyone walks in duel-wielding shields because they're afraid of someone holding a knife.

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    • The problem is, an economics problem (game theory) really. Two doves will cooperate and enjoy the benefits of their cooperation and openness together. As soon as there's a hawk, though, (a threat, a danger, a risk), now the side that was once open and receptive and genuine and honest has an economic reason to defensively clam up and be guarded and closed-off. Do this during the early stages of "getting to know" someone, and "building feelings" for someone vis-a-vis your body and brain's "natural" biochemical process, and if you slam on the breaks or throw a wrench in that process, you're basically fcuking up what hasn't even started yet. Which transitions us nicely into yet another quote from our friend Eleanor Roosevelt, "You can often change your circumstances by changing your attitude."

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    • Thanks again :) Yeah, I guess I should be more "go with the flow" kind of relationshipwise... I just usually start to dream in the beginning that he is The One I'll share the rest of my life with, and obviously I don't wanna scare them off so I try to hide my enthusiasm and interest. I also found very interesting what you said about inviting the wrong people into our life. I'm a little shy, very kind and considerate toward others, always listening up to people's problems and trying to help out as much as I can. I'm not too condifent about myself, and like hanging out rather in a small group of close friends or family than in a big crowds. Still, I'm mostly interested in guys that are complete opposite of me. The ones that are cocky, maybe even arrogant, not afraid of tell their opinions... He's like that but he also said he likes I'm a little shy and not "pushy". I guess I've tried to pretend being more outgoing earlier, but I felt like I can be myself around him.

    • "Don't let the 'perfect' be the enemy of the 'good.'" - Voltaire

  • well when me and my girlfriend started dating... she brought me cookies were i worked. O_O they were delicious and all the guys at the shop at them.

    that type of shyt is awesome. Especially when its your girl doing that, making you something that they took time and effort and wanted you to enjoy it.

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  • Seconding bearded's opinion on the being honest factor. After all, honesty is one of the key components in an ideal relationship. Being played around with by someone you feel something for is horrible, and the sad thing is sometimes the other party won't even realise they're doing so... (This goes both ways really.)

    I would also perhaps add not to be too jealous. If a fella's hanging around another girl that doesn't mean they're flirting, it could just mean they're friends. Clinginess - to me, is one of the biggest things that will cause you to scare away a potential partner.

    But anyways, best of luck with your relationship. I'm sure if you're just honest with yourself and with him then it'll be smooth sailing.

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    • Thanks :) Yeah, I don't really like playing, have been played around and it certainly isn't nice.
      I think jealousy is not an issue for me, I understand opposite sex friends and don't mind it all.
      So, what do you guys really consider clinginess? :)

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