A spiral into a vicious circle?

Its nearly 4 am. Another night out with friends, and another night of coming home to an empty house, with nothing but my thoughts. I am constantly beset by the failures of my life. I am told by girls who are friends that I am the greatest guy ever, that I am the type any girl would love to have, etc. Yet here I am, again, sitting in my chair, in a dark, empty home, surrounded by the things my success has given me. But all of it is shrouded by an overwhelming loneliness that takes over me. I spend the majority of my time alone. I've spent the last 5 years alone. I have no one to love. I've never been in love for that matter. I'm not entirely sure of HOW to love. But it is nonetheless a desire, a burning inside that won't go away. Yet through all of my hard work, focus and perseverance, it is the one aspect of my life that I have yet to grasp. And at times, I fear my heart has become so cold, and so dark, that I will be unable to love. I have built my home, bought my vehicle, and even arranged my finances so that I can have a family. But I can't seem to find a woman who is the least bit interested in me. I struggle with my friends' comments, as the exact opposite of what is said, is the reality. Perhaps I should continue the vicious circle of going out, attempting to meet a potential partner, then come home to review and ponder my shortcomings, or, consider a less methodical and logic-based approach and just "wing it". Perhaps, it is my attention to detail and my analytical mindset that has created success in life, but failure in love. Perhaps. Thoughts, epiphanies, and experiences are welcome.


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Most Helpful Girl

  • Honey some unsolicited, unasked for advice that may piss you off... first you're going to have to learn to enjoy being alone. Learn to be happy alone and be content. Take that time and find what satisfies you and makes you happy. Get a hobby, go out and meet people with no motivation to be in a relationship. I'm gonna tell you that you'll never be secure and truly happy in a relationship until you learn to be happy and secure alone. I know it hurts to be lonely but a relationship isn't the answer. Wanting a relationship because you're lonely or because you think that is the next step in life will leave you empty, leave you smothering and needy. Women can sense that and healthy women avoid that. Being lonely can certainly suck the life out of you but if youstart focusing inward and start having a relationship with yourself where you enjoy your that will radiate outward. And when you approach women with no motivation but enjoying their company she'll pop up and things will evolve as they should. Anyway I'm sure that's the last thing you wanted to hear but I've a little experience at both situations and allowed a lot of bs in the name of not being lonely.

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    • I thank you for your direct advice. Constructive criticism is always appreciated. I have tried this approach for a long time now. I took up scuba diving, I traveled, and I started camping. I have a boat that I go out in often with friends, and even an ATV for fun on the trails. But none of this has ever brought me the satisfaction of even the thought of a woman at my side. Each of these hobbies give me momentary fun and momentary pleasure. Then, when its over, I'm left thinking, "I really wish I could have shared that experience with someone." While I understand this is most peoples way of enjoying their single life, it is not for me.

What Girls Said 4

  • You write absolutely beautifully, and so expressively. What a pleasure to read. Obviously not such a pleasure for you to experience these emotions, but nevertheless a beautiful piece of writing. I'm in no position to give you advice, given my age, the wisdom I have to offer is likely marred by my actual experiences. But from what I've observed and felt, after all age never should be a barrier for personal experiences, I feel that love is something you must define yourself. Everyone loves and is loved, and sees love in a different light, and in a different way, and it is for this reason that so many relationships don't work out, because people just don't understand one another. I feel like if you truly identify what love is to you, then you will then we able to seek love in someone else. Even someTHING else. But I suppose you are looking for someONE else, and the only wisdom I can offer there is that life is short, make the most of it. When a girl tells you "you're a great friend", ask her why you immediately enter the "friendzone". Seek answers and there in, lies your answer. Don't let people keep treating you that way if you don't want to be treated like that. USE you're beautiful talent of writing to bestow onto others, what you have just bestowed upon us on this website. Use it to you're advantage. You sound like a really, really lovely guy and I wish for you the absolute best in all life offers you.
    xxx
    P. s - for me, this is how I see love:
    "To love is to will the good of the other."
    And I will the good of you.

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    • Thank you for the kind words. I love to write. I don't get to do it very often because I'm a chemical analyst. Thank you also for your thoughts on love. It is definitely something I spend a great deal of time thinking about.

  • I feel exactly the same as you. Alas I am somewhat in love with a taken man who shows me attention. I wish he wouldn't as I know he's not going to leave his gf for me deep down. But I think of him all the time wonder what he is doing, and feel sick, jealous and disappointed every day. I have had so many struggles in love. Yet my heart cries out to contribute, to love, to be loved. I live in a cloud of despair that is eating away inside my chest

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    • I most definitely understand. And for what its worth, we should both find solace in that we are not alone in our struggles.

    • Yes it does help in a weird way I suppose. What we go through can feel very isolating at times.

  • I guarantee you that you're not the only person in this world who feels like this, it's just one of life's trials and tribulations you have to face and overcome. Sometimes you find your soul mate when you least expect it and it's when you do search for it that it hides from you. Instead of focusing on that aspect of your life, try emerging yourself into something else. Think of your accomplishments, try self-reflecting and trying to better a part of yourself each year, or go do something that you normally wouldn't do. Step out of your comfort zone and take a leap of faith. Maybe that'll lead to some answers, or maybe not. But you won't know unless you do it.

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    • Very, very true. When we step out of our comfort zones, we often gain a better understanding of ourselves. We learn that most of our limitations are mental, and can be easily overcame. I think I'm going to try to focus on other aspects of my life, as you have said. I am going to set a few personal goals, and see where I end up when the dust settles. Thank you for your insight.

  • Love you self then others don't be desperate and be confident I find I am the same. I want to be in a relationship yet I am comfortable being single. It seems a common thing now.

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What Guys Said 2

  • I don't want to blow my own trumpet here but I've been told numerous times by the opposite sex that I am quite attractive. However I've had the same problem but in a way I am delighted to be a singleton.. everyday brings new opportunities.. I generally don't have problems attracting the opposite sex... but most nights out I walk home alone just like yourself. I fear it is my high standards and to some extent my 6'5" frame and it vexes me seeing beautiful women with shall we say 'average' boyfriends. I think confidence more than anything will win out in the end over good-looks. Keep the chin up.

    What I think you should do if you are really desperate for a partner, is find a nice suit, preferably tailored if you can afford it, make up some lie as to why you are wearing it, and stroll into the club. In the end, there is nothing as good as a sharp-dressed man. You will pull without a doubt. Also, hit the gym and eat right. I hope this in some way helps, considering I am a fellow lonely soul, which is where I'd rather be at this moment in time.

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  • Learn from yesterday, live today like your last, and don't have any regrets left tomorrow. Also, just because you can't see something doesn't mean its not there. If something isn't working, try something else. Just don't lose what makes you, you. Someone will come along. I just recently had this mindset. But it's just my depressive realization. I do enjoy the feeling of love and time put into something though so I will not faulter in my efforts to achieve what I want. Almost killed myself a month ago. Epiphany was acquired and insight gained. I know what I want in my life aside from all the chasms that have been put along my path.

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