Dating a guy who admitted he is still "kind of in love with his ex wife". Should I bail?

I guy I have been on 3 dates with is one year divorced from his wife of 13 years. She is the one who wanted the divorce and I can tell it hit him hard. I asked him if he was still in love with her and he said "yeah, on some level I kind of am". I have had bad experiences dating men who were newly divorced but to admit he is still in love with her? This could be a heartache waiting to happen. Should I cut my losses here?


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Most Helpful Girl

  • Being he is 'Newly divorced,' Anyone he would he would hook up with right now would merely be a Rebound. And also being they have History together, had been married for Way over 10 years, he most likely isn't done licking his wounds Nor pining and whining. I see a few Red Raised signs here. And apparently you do yourself.
    Go with your Gut feeling. This one has some left over feelings And maybe more than he wants to admit, and like you say-------It hit him hard. And as long as he is still Missing the kissing, which in many Divorces is natural, especially Long term marriages, there May even be this case, which is also popular Nowadays----A friend with benefits factor with her, while hooked at the hip with you.
    It may happen, it may not, and of course Life is one big gamble to begin with. It's your choice, your call, and with your 'bad experiences' from the past with this sort of Card, nothing has changed if you Continued playing Russian Roulette with this Romance.
    Good luck. xx

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    • Thank you for your great advice, as usual! My gut is telling me to jump ship - I have a bad vibe on this one. He is clearly not over her and seems traumatized by what happened. She wants nothing to do with him and has moved on , but he continues to keep in contact with her (he helped her move and invited her to Easter dinner with his family). The writing is on the wall here...

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    • You too! by the way - would you mind Following me? I value your advice and would love to be able to contact you if I have a question, if it's ok with you. And of course you are welcome to ask for my advice as well:)

    • Sure, Amber, I would like that... Thanks for inviting me... x

What Guys Said 5

  • First off he was honest, a rare trait... Secondly we all hold a certain love in our hearts for that one person that it will never forget... Just because he loves her to a certain degree does not mean his heart can not love you equally or greater... I am currently in love with a woman and I would serve no other fate then to spend every last minute of my life with her, however my heart still knows love of another who once brought the sun to life... I am certain as a woman you already understand a heart can and will hold memories for as long as it beats...

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    • I totally agree but the fact that he is newly divorced, still is "in love" with her, and still is friendly with her (helped her move, invited her to Easter dinner with his family, called her when he got good news about something), those are pretty big red flags. I have love for my ex husband but I am not in love with him, there's a difference. He hadn't completely gotten over his feelings or the rejection.

    • They are not red flags, their a sign of denial.. We both know what that is like... I suppose the question is best asked in retrospect... You are dating a man that is newly divorced and he still has feelings for his ex wife. Are you willing to take a chance and live life to its fullest even though the cost may be your own heart ache or are you going to play it safe and wonder... What if?

    • The answer is to move on and let him sort out his feelings and situation. If we connect later down the road, fine, but we've only been on 3 dates and I'm not head over heels for him just yet. Best to get out early. Sometimes following your heart is not always the right answer - you have to protect yourself.

  • assout and now. you are competing with an established relationship. There is no way you're going to win this one.

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  • Well, I'm skeptical it's going to work out in your favor, Amber17. First of all, I believe it is possible to love and care for someone even when you are divorced or broken up. That being said, I'm a bit wary of the fact that his divorce is relatively recent and that his first answer was, "Yeah..." If he began his answer explaining to you that he cares for this person but is moving on, then I would be more optimistic. However, since the first word out of his mouth was an affirmative, it seems like he hasn't moved on.

    Has he ever talked about his wife when you never brought it up?

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    • Thanks for commenting. Yes he would bring her up but usually in a negative way, like "She was a terrible cook", "She was demanding of my time", "She never did anything for me". Then on the other hand, he helped her move to her new place, invited her to Easter dinner with his family, and calls her when he needs help with something. When I would say something like "Sounds like she didn't want to be married", he would get quiet and zone out. So he was definitely still hung up on her...

    • Ah, yes. Well, I wish him well (and I really mean that) and I wish you well (and of course I mean that, too). However, it does seem like he is not over her. He's not necessarily a bad guy. Perhaps he will learn from his mistakes. The outlook doesn't look good for the both of you, Amber17. I would suggest you wish him well, hope that he learns, and move on.

      If I remember correctly, you are in the process of moving on yourself, Amber17, or am I mistaking you for someone else? If I'm not mistaken, how's that going for you?

  • ABORT ABORT ABORT

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  • Cut your loses and move on. You can't change a man heart and if that ex wanted him back. Trust me he would go.

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What Girls Said 5

  • Not a good idea in the least. Move on.

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  • Yes, he's not ready to be dating and you're kind of a guinea pig I think.

    I'd bail.

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  • Well if you really like him you can have prolonged dating without getting too serious. But if he talks about her the entire date or shows no interest in you then I would cut it off.

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    • Well I'm looking for something serious and I suspect he probably is not since he's still hung up on the ex. Even if he wanted a relationship, he's not emotionally available for one. Better probably that I end it.

    • It'll probably best for both of you that way.

  • If he's still in love with her yeah probably. It could end badly but it could work out. Play it by ear but don't put your whole heart out there take your time so you don't get hurt.

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  • get out now. it's not going to go anywhere, even if he says it could. if he can't let go of his wife, he can't put 100% capacity into thinking about you and what you guys could be. try for another guy.

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    • That's exactly what I'm thinking- he won't be fully invested in me and will be preoccupied thinking of her and maybe even trying to win her back. I don't have a prayer.

    • pray for another guy. you don't need that, i promise. trust me, cut it before you get too invested. you'll find somebody that can put forth the 100% for you. good luck.

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