Is it messed up to go on dates with different guys?

If I like someone I'm going to want a relationship and I do get attached if I'm only seeing that person but if I keep my options open and talk to multiple guys it's easier for me to not be so interested/initiate/come off as needy. But is it messed up to go on dates with multiple guys? This wkend alone, 2 guys asked what I was up to and I kept it vague but was honest. They were able to figure out I was going on muliple dates and said I was being a player? It's not like I even do physical stuff with all of them either-- only if I'm really interested which is only one.
Also I don't know what it is but a lot of guys have been asking me out lately and I try to say yes to all of them to give them a chance or just hang out.


0|0
3|10

Most Helpful Guy

  • I mean, you're just going out in public and talking with multiple men. It's not like you're having sex with multiple men, or letting multiple men pay for you, or doing anything to suggest that there's anything more than just a "friendly" interest there. There's nothing wrong with that.

    Forgetting about what the guys think, are "you" okay with that? Do you think you would be able to develop feelings for any one of these guys that way, if you put yourself in that situation? Do you think that you maybe risk not developing feelings with the same depth that you would otherwise? Is that part of the goal of this approach? Are you maybe doing this to avoid coping with feeling hurt from some prior relationships?

    1|0
    0|0
    • 'm fine with doing this but with those two guys, they made me step back and think about it. The point of doing this is so I don't get attached to any one of them right off the bat since I have a history of self sabotage even when things might be going well and yes, I offer but I do let them pay since they are taking me out...

    • Avoiding dealing with the problem is always easier than "coping" with the problem in a healthy way. If you watch Legally Blonde, when she's about to quit law school and being a lawyer just because her professor made a pass at her, what did her female professor tell her? "If you let one little prick ruin your whole life, then you're not the woman I thought you were." The solution to being hurt is not shutting yourself out or ruining your chance to naturally fall for someone and develop a strong and natural relationship with a guy, as opposed to shutting those men out and surrounding yourself only with guys who are comfortable with those type of emotionally light and impersonal situations. As for the paying part, that's an interesting justification and rationalization. I wonder if you both continue to date multiple people, who will run out of money first...

What Guys Said 9

  • It's kinda playing with fire if you don't be honest about it. To date multiple guys, you'd have to tell them you only wanted to casually date and not have a relationship and see if they were cool with it. If you come off as a girl who "is thinking about a relationship" and then go on dates with different guys, you'll get that "player" stamp put right on ya.

    It's not wrong to date multiple people, but be prepared that many guys do actually want relationships and if you make it look like you're looking for more then suddenly on a date with someone else, you'll considered a player for working up their emotions and then doing the opposite basically by going off with someone else.

    As a female, you may also be considered a gold digger if you have all these guys taking you out paying for dinners and movies and so on. As a female, you have a huge upper hand in the dating field because if it don't work out, at least you got free shit basically if the guys are paying.

    0|0
    0|0
    • I do want a relationship but I haven't had a guy that I like who wanted a relationship with me even when I only saw one guy at a time. I don't know how long to wait for them to ask me to be official instead of basically being strung along. I don't assume I'm the only one I'm seeing since well, we're not together...

  • If you're kissing or getting sexual with one or more of the people you're dating, then yes, it's messed up. (You could contract herpes from one person and then infect a whole group of people. Likewise, if one of those people are dating multiple people and get herpes from you, then they could infect another whole group of people. Likewise, if one of the people he is dating is dating multiple people and get herpes from him...)

    If you're dating multiple people without these people being aware that you're dating multiple people, then yes, it's messed up. Without the forewarning, they could think that you're more serious about them than you really are. When they find out that you weren't taking them that seriously, you could hurt their feelings. Also, if someone sees you dating multiple people, then they could think that you're playing them, so the people you don't inform of the situation will be walking around with several people thinking that they're being played by you. People should have the right to consent or not to that kind of situation.

    If all the people involved consent to the situation and there's no kissing or sexual contact until one of the people have been chosen as "the winner", then I don't see anything particularly wrong with it.

    0|0
    0|0
    • Well what if I want to be serious about one but I'm only talking to multiple guys until he makes it clear he wants something more? I've already told him what I want which is a relationship and if he wants the same then I'd be ready to easily drop all the other guys (nothing serious, just hanging out/talking) plus not sure how long I should wait for him to make up his mind... I've tried bringing it up but guys dont seem to work like that?

    • If I was in your shoes, I would give the guy I'm serious about one week to make up his mind. That's more than enough time for a guy to decide whether he wants to take a chance on a relationship with you. If he hadn't made up his mind by then, then I would drop him and continue dating other men. If he then came to me and said that he wanted a relationship, I would tell him that it's too late. For him to take that long to decide to take a chance, his feelings for me would have to be rather weak, which doesn't bode well for any relationship I could have had with him.

    • Should I tell him I'm giving him one week to make up his mind? Even if I just met him not too long ago? Or let him come to that conclusion on his own?

  • Its alright as long has no commitments have been made, but be honest about it. If a guy you like has a problem with it and you don't want to lose him, then you must then decide if he is worth not seeing those other guys for. Like you said you're not doing anything physical just hanging out. Nothing wrong with getting to know people. I've dated multiple women before but as soon as one made it clear she wants going to want a relationship I ended it with the other saying exactly what the truth was. She understood and didn't have a problem with it at all. I kind of thought this was all normal behavior, and I think it is totally understandable to do as long as you are clear and do not confuse them.

    0|1
    0|0
    • How long did it take you to commit/be exclusive with that one?

    • Sigh, I didn't finish that particular story for a reason. She ended up kind of screwing me over. I'd like to not go into specifics as I had considered her a friend before she played me. But that's a risk everybody takes regardless if how many people you date. Funny thing is that the other girl is now dating my best friend as they met through me, and I am happy about that because they are perfect together.

    • But I will be clear about when and why I broke it off with my friends future girl for the other. During a late night text conversation after one of our dates she told me she eventually wanted a committed relationship, in those words. So that was pretty clear if I wanted to keep seeing her I needed to break off what else I had going on. It was the right thing to do.

  • Yes because your date with guy 1 or guy 2 can effect how you feel about how each went or will go. Like 1st is good but you want to see what happens on 2nd date so at the end of 2nd date you compare 2 to 1 and dump 1st guy because "something" about guy 2 was nice. That something was is later found out to be he is a jerk and guy 1 was sweet. So, you mess up something good. Space your dates out to give yourself time to see people as they really are unless your just dating to screw and may the sexist guy win... which is whole different thing

    1|0
    0|0
    • I don't think that really affects me tbh. I've never had a bf so no guy I've liked has even asked to be in a relationship with him for some reason idk.

    • Just for future reference this is also the number #1 reason you don't ever dump one guy and start a new relationship so soon after being with someone else. NEVER let what new love does determine how you should feel for old love. That's a recipe for disaster. Been there done that.

  • Those guys calling u a player were just playfully teasing you. :-P

    Nothing wrong with dating multiple guys at once (if u can emotionally/mentally handle it)

    0|0
    0|0
  • Absolutely not. Your doing the right thing, its just that these guys are getting attached to you because they don't have the options you have. Go out and experiment and find a guy you really like.

    0|0
    1|0
  • If you are gonna do that be careful and just know someone will end up getting hurt.

    0|1
    0|0
  • Shit I've been doing this for awhile I never knew this was a bad thing

    0|0
    0|1
  • that's fukd up to say the least. Just playing with guys. keep it real stop doing that !!!

    0|0
    0|0

What Girls Said 3

  • takes a while to know if it works.

    well not everyone decides after two hang outs. practically speaking you never really know a person ask the longer you take getting to know them the better.

    dating doesnt= exclusive so ethically what is the problem?

    1|0
    0|0
  • My friend used to do that.. But then she liked 3 us equally at the same time & had to hurt 2 of them & eventually choose one. I only date one at a time, I'd be grossed out if a guy kissed another girl the day before kissing me... Or even worse, earlier that day..

    0|0
    0|0
    • Yeah but like I said above, I only do that kissing stuff with one guy who I actually like...

    • Show All
    • So I don't focus on him too much. I have always slef sabotaged by getting attached, sending texts/calling, and come off as clingy...

    • Awww.. But the right guy won't think it's clingy or "too attached" if he likes you just as much! It might turn out bad or you could lose the one you really do like, if he found it you're dating other guys & he's under the impression that he's the only one! Be careful!!

  • Personally I think it's a bit disrespectful to date multiple guys at the same time. I mean how would you feel if you were on a date with a guy you really were attracted to and you found out that right after your date he has 2 more dates scheduled with 2 other girls?

    Personally I think 1 at a time is good. I mean how many dates do you get asked on that you can't go with 1 guy at a time and if it doesn't work tell him no and move on to someone else afterwards.

    0|0
    1|0
    • What do you mean go with one guy at a time? If things don't work out I then have options. And if I do want just one guy, how long should I wait for him to commit/move on instead?
      Yeah, I'm pretty sure I'd be turned off and those 2 guys were turned off for sure...

    • What are you a robot? You can date the 1 guy, see if you have feelings and then try to commit to him. It's not all up to the guy, I hate it when girls make it sound like they can't do anything but wait for the guy to make moves and commit. You should be able to tell if things are going well withing just a couple of dates... if so then keep pursuing him and ask him to commit. If you don't feel it's going well than let him know and move on. Is it really that hard? And have options? How many options do you need? You really couldn't handle having a few weeks between dates, so you need to keep people on standby for options? Please, I went through college barely having any dates because I was concentrating on school... I'm sure you'll survive a few weeks without a date, no reason to need a ton of 'options'.

Loading...