Crossing the line with my best guy friend?

Hi :) I'm really close to my best friend J. The last couple of months our bond grew even tighter, because we went trough a tough time together. J was in&out of the hospital due to physical&mental issues I was the only person he trusted through all of that. He has always been my rock whenever I needed him&I love him (in a 'friendly' way) dearly.
Also, I've been dating a guy for a little while (about three mths)&we've gotten along perfectly. He seems to be what I look for in a guy and he appears to be very happy with me as well.
But we've had a little fight a couple days back over something insignificant (we made up), but things have been a little bit on thin ice after.
A day after our fight, a mutual friend asked me, whether my bf wasn't bothered about how I acted with J (also often around other people) since she thought it was inappropriate.
Because J sometimes still isn't okay, I try to spend time with him a lot & due to our close relationship we've been rather affectionate in a way? I don't know how to call it but e. g. we hug longer than others & when he's back in the hospital/similar (=not doing well) I tend to hold his hand/cuddle him/let him sleep on my lap, I skipped a couple school hours to take care of him, etc) We have done this in public only rarely, on occasions when it was really really bad.
I may sound really naive, but since we've acted like this for a rather long time I never gave it a thought whether it's inappropriate to my bf. He knows J&has never had a problem w/ him, he knows how close I am to J& until now I thought my bf would say if he was pissed off by something (like he still seemed After the fight)
&I couldn't tell whether it was because of J (I spent a long evening w/ him in the hospital then ) or just the fight.
I don't know whether to approach my bf about the J-thing, since I don't want another fight. Trust me, I want to be 100% loyal to my bf but I'm just kind of lost right now. Opinions?


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What Guys Said 2

  • I don't think you are really crossing the line, but you are getting up very close to it and maybe peering over the edge a bit.

    There is being supportive, and then there is being 'too' supportive, and you are getting close to that. Hugs are fine, holding his hand if he is in the hospital is fine, but cuddling and letting him fall asleep in your lap are getting probably a bit too close for some people's definition of what would be appropriate. Would he fall asleep in the lap of a male friend? If not, it is not really just a friendship situation and it is because of your gender, which starts bringing other things into it. I would hold the hand of my brother, for example, if he was really sick. But I wouldn't let him have his head in my lap and stroke his hair, not at all. So things like that are going beyond what would be appropriate for even close friends and going into behaviour that resembles coupling.

    Also, if you are having an emotional fight with your boyfriend, and then go and spend a lot of time with another guy, that is going to seem problematic. Your boyfriend would want you putting emotional energy into making things work with each other, not putting emotional energy into someone else. So if it doesn't interfere with what you and your bf are doing, spending time with your friend would be no problem. As soon as it starts interfering though, then things start becoming more questionable.

    You sound like you have an incredibly big heart, so it would be a shame if things broke down in an otherwise good relationship because of how you were directing those energies. When you are wondering if what you are doing is just common behaviour for a good friend or crossing a line, consider how people would react if you were a guy and doing it. Would it seem weird? Would they wonder if you were gay? Would they just think that it's normal and something a good friend would do? Take yourself out of the equation to consider the actions. That'll give you a better idea.

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  • As long as you made it clear to your boyfriend about what your relationship with J is, I don't think that is crossing the line. Keep giving him reassurance, which is key when you are very close to another guy. Reassure him that he is the one you love/like and J is a close friend in need.

    You can also bring your bf around sometimes and just to let him know how you and J interact. Make sure he has no doubts about anything. Good luck.

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