What are you most afraid of when it comes to dating?

Many times we enter new relationships with predetermined fears and reluctances that shape what we bring to the connection. Have you noticed any patterns in some of the things you worry about from the very beginning of a new dating relationship? What are they? How have they affected the connection?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • My fears are pretty typical, I think, and they're not overreaching to the point where they inhibit me or anything like that.

    I guess I fear that, upon peeling away the layers and dropping my masks, I might not be accepted for the person I am at my very core; the "real" me might not be what they're looking for, or what they want from me.

    As I said, it doesn't keep me from trying for or valuing love, but the fear still lurks somewhere in the back of my mind.

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What Guys Said 64

  • People being too clingy and I loosing my previous quality of life.
    I would love to have a girl in my life again... probably , but the last one was just a nightmare of insecurity in a petite package which REALLY drove me up the wall.

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    • Your answer sums up my thoughts exactly lol. My last boyfriend was that type as well.

    • @SamiJane
      Yeah... not a fan of people who live for others but not for themselves... jesus christ go get a beer , do something fun , you aren't a succubus/succubi who lives on other's energy... Gees

    • I agree with this too. Girls need to have their alone time too.

  • Finding out she settled for me. It happened once but it still hurts to think about. Everyone deserves someone who wants them as much as they want their partner ( or very close to it). When my relationship ended it was quite obvious that her heart and mind were never quite in it. I don't believe in giving chances for too long. A few dates should give you an idea of how you feel. Faking a relationship for the sake of the benefits of someone in your life is terrible. Everyone involved loses

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  • Since I've done most of my dating through the internet I'm jaded to the fact that the girl could be sending me misleading photos and/or outdated ones. I'm also extremely jaded to the flakey behavior most girls have on it. I'm always at some random 50/50 chance that the girl is gonna cancel or not tell me she is even canceling. There's also a huge chance the girl's got other guys on the side she's still in touch with. I don't view it as competition though but moreover her having ill intentions.

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  • Dating in general. But being lied to, mislead or used. Yes all of these things have happened to me, and they left their mark on me. I tend to attract girls that say they have their lives together, but that ends up not being the case. I also tend to let them show me who they are for real. Which has proven a good way to dodge some bad situations. Typically my worries will lead me to not take peoples explanations of their situations at face value, and I tend to wonder what the person is hiding. Which over the years tends to be a lot. I have issues getting close to people due to my worries. I know I need to go into relationships with an open mind, but some behaviors tend to trigger my paranoia which leads me to pulling away. Though it ends up being for the best. Still it tends to be frustrating.

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  • That I am not going to have much of a connection with her as much as I want to.

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  • Adultery. I'm absolutely petrified of that.

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  • I'm currently in a new relationship, we have been on a few dates and it's going well, I can tell you at different stages I have felt loads of different anxiety. From does she really like me, am I good enough, will there be a connection, will I be too boring, am I texting/calling too much/not enough, is she interested... The whole spectrum I recon... But we just can't let this stuff control out behaviour too much, it obviously will and I'm sure I have more to come, like what if her daughter doesn't like me etc. but no risk no reward!! Not easy trying to let go of this stuff

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  • I am afraid of falling for the wrong woman.

    Of investing time, energy and love on someone who is incapable of forming the deep bond with me, like I am with her.

    Basically I am afraid of being so lovestruck I fall for a superficial woman.

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  • I'm not really that out going. For example if I was in a bar by myself. I would be in an area that I could watch people, but not really be noticed. I'm no good at starting a conversation, even with people I know.

    I don't know how to meet people because of a former lifestyle. I've never "picked up" a woman. Not because I'm afraid of rejection. Well, maybe a little. But it's more a case of I have no clue of where to begin/how to do it.

    Because I am more on the quiet side (at least that's what I tell myself LOL) I don't get invited to parties or get togethers with co-workers. So I'm never in a position for a To learn these things with people I'm more comfortable around. So this doesn't help either. . I'm not opposed to meeting people. Just I don't have the knowledge on how to do it. As well, because of these issues I'm obviously not in a position where I could meet someone for a possible relationship.

    On occasion all of this does get to me. But for the most part I figure it is what it is.

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  • Im afraid of getting close and getting hurt I've always been thinking that nobody would be really interested in me as their first option im always the second , this effect my relationship even with friends i had a fight with a friend when i told her that i want a reason why she left me she said she is bothered of me always thinking im here second option she said she loves me just like her other friends and she tried to prove it to me but she couldn't and thats hurt her , until now i dont know what to say to her we have been friends for years and she is the only woman who knows everything about me , so i dont know how to stop acting like that.

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  • The girl getting pregnant. Like, intentionally.

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  • My biggest fear is not even being able to get a date I dot one online and it was a wreck broke up with her after the first date. I have trouble even finding dates

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  • Adultery.
    Too traditional.
    Prudish.
    No sense of humor because I'm a joker.
    Too clingy in public. I'm too shy for PDA lol.

    I've been on two dates and they could have gone better :p lol

    The first girl had zero sense of humor unless the joke was really obvious. She took everything seriously, and I like dark humor, so a little clashing there. She was also a fan of PDA, but I wasn't, mostly cause she wanted to kiss in places where admins could easily see us. So no to that lol. And this last part will sound strange, but I felt more attractive than her. I can't be prettier than my gf. Call me stereotypical, but the girl is usually prettier than the bf.

    Second girl for the second date was a little strange. I grew up privileged in a poor country so I gain confidence boosts when I see that I'm doing financially better than someone else. She lived in a trailer park and I had to pick her up at night. Place kinda creeped me out because I thought I would get mugged. I was dressed decently nice for the movies, but she was dressed like a lazy closeted lesbian tomboy. I was very turned off and dissapointed by what she wore but I continued with the date. I didn't really want to hold her hands because she tried to hold mines. I was feeling too sexy for her. We watched a romantic zombie movie and had a silent ride back. I did not call her back. She texted me what's up with my lack of contact and revealed that she was waiting till marriage for sex. Since I'm not exactly looking forward to getting married, I definitely was not going to approach her again. She called me several profanities, but still flirted with me in class lol.

    I probably have my own flaws I need to work on, but I think both my dates failed because of incompatible personalities. So personality is a pretty big deal for me.

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  • I think the most fear not being able to
    find a mother age 18-32 to breast feed me
    it hurts me so bad Dr. Villarreal I want
    her to lay me in her arms and say come
    here mommy's little boy than I feed off her
    i will date my mother no problem I'm a
    momma's boy

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  • Because of all the failed relationships in the last couple of years I've had I'm now afraid that the women I might like and then notice that they might like me back do this only to hurt me in the end and I keep waiting for the shit to hit the fan. The problem is that because of this I become a little on the edge and clingy and the whole thing down spirals from there. I'm not exactly sure how to break this vicious circle but I hate it.

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    • Women might like you only to hurt you?
      I'm not sure what you mean, but trying and take things easy/ slowly always seems to be a good thing. If it's not what it seems, you will find it out sooner or later.

    • I don't know it seems like I meet somebody they seem great everything goes great we fall in love have a great time but then when there's the first sign of trouble or commitment they bail out without even thinking of me. At least that's how it was the last few times. Especially the last time where I could even feel her how much in love she was. But in staid of talking to me now she wants to hurt me for no apparent reason. It doesn't matter if I take things slow or not the result is the same I'm left alone and even more broken than before and I need a lot of time to recover and be able to open up to somebody again with the same old story ending. They bail out when they should stay and at least talk. Can't figure it out and I wouldn't mind if this last one wasn't really different.

  • My fear is having to show them such a good time like vacations, buying them fancy jewelry high price trips and all. I have done this before. I feel the need to always keep something going keep the fire going, do something that really makes the woman happy or if not my fear is they will walk.

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    • Darling, this is really sad!. If you have to do this to keep a girl interested, than she isn't the right one for you. Most girls love sweet love notes, chocolates, you running them a hot bubble bath at the end of a long day, flowers, etc. One man gave me a dinner under the stars. He set up his kitchen table in the yard and cooked me a candlelight dinner- it was amazing!!!

    • @Poppykate Thanks for your post. I have to blame myself though. I have always offered nice things to women I feel If I do nothing Its a boring life and they always need something. Looks have nothing to do with it I just feel they require so much and It breaks me

  • I am most afraid of ending up with someone I'm not fully interested in. Unfortunately this is also why I am still single. After a date or two if I'm not smitten for the most part I will cease and desist. This is also because I'm afraid of both leading someone on and being lead on. If a girl likes me too much and I just sort of like her, I hate that. I don't know if that's acceptable or not; I just realized I never really thought about it before.

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  • Growing apart

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    • Yes, I agree because this is very commun in a relationship sadly /:
      But if it would happen don't let it bring you down.. there's plenty of other girls/guys to obsess over ! (:

  • it's the 'Friends' barrier. Women seem to segregate men as 'friend' or 'date' at your first meeting. I want to get to know her, and have a 'friendly way' liking her for WHO she is, and not her look, clothes, or body.
    Sadly, by the time I feel like I really care for her, she has already put me in the 'Friend Zone' and doesn't think of anything more intimate.
    Why do women do this? They are missing out on the guy that really cares about them. The guy that WANTS to treat them like they say they want to be treated.
    Or is that just it, the don't really want what they say, and want the drama of the 'Bad Boys'?

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  • Someone cheating on me seems to be my biggest preoccupation when it comes to paranoia and anxiety about relationships. It's annoying because it really shouldn't matter that much. I often feel like I could probably sleep with other girls while in a relationship and it genuinely wouldn't alter how much I feel about the person I'm with. Yet if the girl I was dating even kissed another guy it would utterly debilitate me and would be something that I just couldn't get over even though it was just a brief moment of some soggy lips touching.

    A more unique issue I have is a fear of coming off as too intense. I have a habit of wanting to write love poems to girls and constantly tell them how much I care about them. I usually manage to get a grip of myself though.

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  • being cheated on for someone hotter and more sexual than me.

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  • Once upon a time, I was worried about hurting a woman in many different ways (not referring to cheating since I don't do that)

    Since my marriage though and through observation of women in general, I don't worry or fear anything from a woman. It's the "ugly truth". If they can't tolerate it, they know where the door is

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  • Rejection... Getting rejection on the basis of looks, not being rich, Being awkward, etc.

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  • I'm always afraid that she doesn't like me as much as I like her (or, even, as much as she says she does). I've been lied to quite a few times... either because she wants to spare my feelings or because she thinks its easier to say she had a great time and let me down gently later.

    I'm also afraid that I'll do something to mess it up if things are going well.

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  • Pretty much afraid of most things. I tend to be more reserved at first when meeting people so it does affect the connection because I guess I kind of seem a bit uninteresting because I'm just nervous I guess. Takes me a bit to be comfortable and be myself.

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  • Mostly being cheated. It affects my life by my loss of joy.

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  • I have no fear when it comes to dating, a vast majority of people I meet enjoy my company as I am humble and show humility towards everyone. As for the other person in the relationship, well no matter what happens I know I will come out stronger. I have been beaten and battered; both mentally and physically, but I have always walked away holding my head held high.

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  • I guess I'm most afraid of not finding anyone I'm interested in and who's interested in me. I tend to be a recluse so I don't meet many people and find it difficult to form sustainable relationships.

    Going into a relationship I'd fear getting attached and having it fall apart on me. But that would entail getting into a relationship, which I'm reluctant to do. I've got a commitment fear so I won't get into a relationship with out being attracted to the girl on multiple levels.

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  • 1. Bad chemistry and too many fixations that lead to a controlling nature :-)
    2. I don't however, judge or have predetermined thoughts about how she should be. I like to take it as it goes along

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  • I'm afraid of being enslaved and forced into indentured servitude for the next 20 years, losing my retirement, home job etc..

    I wish a broken heart was the only thing I risked when dating but I was born with a penis so I risk life long slavery as well.

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What Girls Said 57

  • I have a personality disorder. Enough said, right? LOL I always worry about how, and when to share that information. If I say it too soon, it could scare them away. If I wait too long, I might have an episode, and then if they'll even talk to me after the fact, it could come off as an excuse. I'm also a really blunt person, and most of the men I attract are drawn in by the mystery. They all assume no woman could be this open and honest, no cryptic mind games here. So they hang around trying to reveal the truth, but when they find out I really am showing my true self to them, they act like I deceived them.

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    • I'm diagnosed with a personality disorder too, but I don't care. It's just a rather arbitrary label for some personality traits I can work on if I want.

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    • I'm quitting my meds gradually. I shouldn't preach, but after reading a book on the subject (and a friend killed by psychiatry), I know they're not for me.

    • Yeah they had me misdiagnosed with Bi-Polar for years, and those meds did make me much worse. My "meds" are actually birth control. They act as hormone therapy and help keep my emotions under control. My current Rx s for a brand that I cannot afford. Lost my job and my insurance, and I can't get into the free/low-cost clinic for a new Rx until December.

  • Well to be perfectly honest I'm at an awkward stage in my life where I can feel the tides of change around me... Until now I had things, countable things, that I felt needed to be done before I got married. Dating was purely for fun. Sure someone could wait around for me to finish up but I doubt the would want to because I didn't know when it would end... But now I can see the end of my list and I know I only have a year or two left before I start wanting to get married and have kids. So I am equally afraid of him saying he doesn't want to marry me and there being no future/time wasted as I am afraid of him saying he wants to get married... It's a conundrum, but I think I'm afraid of the wrong pace...

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    • And I'm not sure how it affects the connection, but I'm pretty sure it does...

  • feeling like your boyfriend doesn't like you as much as you like him, you being too insecure or clingy, and your boyfriend break up with you because of problems listed above

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  • That I'll be bored. Or just stuck. Most people (even my parents) aren't really in love anymore. It just seemed like they where going through the motions. I'm pretty sure the only thing keeping them together is the fact that they have kids. They just don't seem happy. I think people change and who you where in live with at 25 isn't the same person. Your not the same person. So why are you with them. Just because you've been together for 24 years doesn't mean you have I stay together

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  • What I am afraid of is him breaking my heart...

    I dated this amazing guy, we had known each other for years and were okay. He kept asking me out and I kept pushing away. Then he begged me to date him so I said yes. It was amazing. Feeling his lips against mine, his bright blue eyes, his smile when he saw me... It was pure bliss. Even when I was angry at him, I found myself in love with every aspect of him. His sense of humour, his smile, his eyes, his touch. It was all I wanted.

    And the best part was we were both very happy with each other. I took care of him and he did the same. If I was having a bad day, he would comfort me and if he was under stress, I would protect him.

    One day, he began to ask strangely, more quiet and detached. I had a fear that something bad was about to happen. I asked him if he wanted to break up but assured him I did not want to. He said he thought so and it ended.

    The pain I felt was beyond comparison. I didn't eat much, didn't sleep. All my nightmares were of him dying or being lost.

    Its been six months, I am still not over him.

    By the way, if you wish to help me, feel free to message me!

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  • I'm afraid of falling for someone and getting hurt in the end for whatever reason (cheating, no longer a connection between us etc.)

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  • Not having that connection you think you may have but the other doesn't feel that way. The date may have gone all smooth but if you know there's no chemistry there, don't lead me on thinking that there may be.

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  • The pain of unrequited love and malicious, deceitful games played by the opposite sex.

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  • I was in a relationship since I was sixteen. We split up five years ago. I have been single since. I don't even know how to date or to make myself approachable. I don't get out much because I have kids, so I don't meet many guys. I have "met" some online, but it never amounted to much. I have a fear of meeting someone and it not being who they said they were or them seeing me and thinking they wasted their time. I don't like rejection I guess so I just avoid it. Most of the guys that I have talked to ended up just wanting sex. Only two guys were interested in more. I always felt like I had one foot out the door. One guy was super clingy and the other wasn't what I was looking for. I'm starting to wonder if (as much as I want a serious relationship) I am afraid of commitment. I made a mistake being with my ex and wasted 12 years of my life. The only good thing that came from it is my kids. I don't want to make that mistake again.

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  • Being played like a fool.

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  • What I fear most is finding out that he was just using me. Opening up and falling for them, letting break down my walls just to find out they didn't even care all along. I'm absolutely terrified. I haven't dated yet, I don't usually get that close to people for this very reason. It's the same with friends, but it's more intense and hurtful in a dating relationship.

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  • I have major trust issues because I was in a relationship with a guy who cheated on me on Christmas eve (my favorite time of year) and told me on Valentine's day for "maximum effect" (his words not mine.) I didn't date for a long time after that so when my guy is away or doesn't respond to my messages right away, thoughts of him cheating run through my mind. I've been trying like hell to not let those thoughts get to me in my relationship now and so far I'm doing pretty well.

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    • Please, that guy is an ogre. You owe it to yourself to not even remember his name anymore, much less let what happened ruin anything else for you.
      After a bad experience, we can only hope doing better next time. Hard to love without trusting as well... If you're doing fine, just keep it up!

  • i am afraid to fall in love with someone who will cheat (i've been through this)

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  • I am afraid of being in a one-sided relationship where it seems like I am the only one putting in effort. I am afraid of opening up to someone that is emotionally unavailable but I know I am getting better at being able to tell early on if I can't scratch the surface, but in the long run sometimes you are vulnerable and you want someone to trust you you and be vulnerable as well. I hate when I let my guard down and prove myself but someone has really screwed up trust issues from past relationships and won't give you a chance. I am afraid of being with someone that is intimidated or jealous of me. I am afraid of being cheated on or lied to about personal details about someone's life that should be revealed. I am afraid of not being sexually compatible with a partner but not that much I have worked out a strategy for that without jumping in the sack lol.

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  • That he is a cheater

    That he is a domestic abuser

    That he is a control freak

    That he is a narcissist

    That he is sexually abusive

    That he is using me for sex

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  • Being cheated on/lied to.

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  • I'm afraid of past failures/problems repeating themselves. I'm scared I will wind up in the same stupid or scary situations that I have found myself in with previous relationships. Honestly it keeps me from even trying to go for the guy I like right now because my last relationship was so awful.

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  • I'm afraid of being trapped in a miserable situation where I have to choose between a relationship and everything else that makes me happy. Or between being alone or finding my partner interesting and attractive. Etc.

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  • I'm very naive and I am quite reserved then other girls my age. I don't party or have sex or go crazy.
    I like to be modest and not be the center of attention- yes I'm a bit ditzy and I'm overly kind but I do have a sarcastic straight forward bitchy side if I don't like you (I say its the Latina in me- haha (: ) Im the social butterfly that stays in the back and watches what happens.

    I'm not the sharpest tack in the box but I'm always afraid they'll not accept me for me and take advantage of me.

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  • Dating isn't an option for me so...

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  • I don't think I'm afraid of anything. I guess my biggest fear is that I won't be able to handle the agony of child birth.

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  • Being boring
    Running out of things to talk about/awkward silences
    Taking off my clothing
    STDs

    It makes me avoid relationships period as well as quickly and efficiently smother any blossoming interests

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  • heh, never been in a date so I don't really have any fears. I'm at the point where I would say yes to just about anyone at my uni

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    • LOL
      Afraid of setting your expectations too low?

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    • That's what I'm saying. I mean, when you think you found someone and all they do is taking you for granted and hurting you, you will realize that 'just someone/ anyone' is not good enough. There is such a thing as being better left alone.

    • I can never live in isolation. If they aren't compatible then we become friends. Why should I be burned if he doesn't treat me right? @dipta

  • My fears of dating these days is because of my past. I've been used a lot, cheated and assaulted and it now gets very hard to trust guys again really. So the biggest fear i got in relationships is the trust now, once i trust a guy a lot something normally goes wrong and emotionally and physically ends up hurting me :/ it doesn't only affect me but it affects my close friends that see me go through all this too :(

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  • I am not afraid of anything. Every time I wanna fall harder. It's as if I enjoy taking the risk of whatever that comes.

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  • im afraid of being cheated on lied to played like a fool he only using me for sex its a lot i think thats the main reason why im still a virgin and never had a boyfriend well a steady one because i tend to have these walls built up

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  • I'm afraid of starting all over again with someone new having to rebuild trust with someone and being cheated on

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  • A fear is something that prevents anything good. So i prefer not to be afraid. I prefer to live it and experience it.

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  • Right now it's everything.
    I've never been in a relationship.
    I'm afraid they'll reject me and not like me for what I am and want to be. That they will stop loving me if they did love me at some point. That he'll cheat and lie. there's just a lot I'm afraid of and I'm also afraid I'm not prepared for yet. I want to meet someone that's sort of new to it too so we both get to experience new things together. But an experienced person is awesome too because they'll know what's right and what's wrong.

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  • I worry if the guy will lose interest in me. That's not even a fear, its something I KNOW will happen.

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    • If you feel like the guy will lose interest for you maybe he wasn't the right one afterall.. It's sad but it's actually something that often happens /:

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