How do I get my gf to let me touch her breasts?

[Anonymous]

We are both 16 and we've been a couple for almost a year. I am not a pervert, it's just that I want to get the things to another level. I don't want to have sex with her, don't misjudge me; I am just curious of how does it feel. She was my first kiss and she is my first gf and even though I'm too young to say that I love her, I really love her, I've never met someone like her! When we were dating for 6-7 months I asked her to go to the movies, and while we were kissing I decided to grab her breast. She didn't say anything, she just took away my handand continued kissing me, but I really wanted to do it so I did it again a few times even though she kept taking my hand away, but on another attempt she stopped kissing me, crossed her arms, and didn't talk to me till the movie ended. The movie finished and she left; I felt so sad and so dumb for doing it even though I really wanted it. Because the cinema is really close to her house she went on foot to it and I just followed her begging for her to forgive me. She was sooooo mad at me and said that we brake up:( I was so sad and followed her to her house but then she treatend me to call her dad if I continued following her and asking her for forgiveness. I ran away and cried, I was so sad that she broke up with me just for what I did. I prepared a letter and a rose for her, but she said me the next day that she didn't mean it and that she forgives me, but she made me promise that that won't happen again (for my surprise her dad told her to forgive me). Last week we went to a date and while watching a movie I tried to do it again but more slowly. While we were kissing I rubbed her butt and even grabbed it, but she told me that she doesn't want something to happen again, because she really loves me and don't want to break up with me. I really love and respect her, but how do I get her to let me take things to a different level without going way to far? I'd really appreciate your opinions, thank you.

[pnl86]

Please don't take this personally, but after going through this whole post and question, it sort of struck me as kind of sad and pathetic (again, not about you personally), but just overall and generally regarding male sexuality.

It's so interesting how ignorant men are emotionally, interesting in the sense that one wonders "why" that's the case and to such an extent.

All you understand is that you want to touch her boobs.. well, actually, you do "phrase" it as her letting you touch her boobs.. so, at least there's some awareness or appreciation for what you really want here.

In the early stages of a relationship, both people want to feel accepted. Not so much "wanted," although that's important later on, but "accepted" is a big one early on. The psychological or emotional need for acceptance is different for each person, depending on their unique life experiences. Maybe some men will lie about who they are, hide their wealth and the wealth of their family, because they feel insecure about being valued only for their money, and want to first feel "accepted" on their other levels before they feel comfortable sharing or even revealing that part of who they are to someone else. The flavor of acceptance he seeks is likely related to which insecurity of his he seeks "comfort" for (i. e., it's not true that you're unattractive, because I want you sexually; or, it's not true that you're boring, because I enjoy being around you and you can make me laugh, etc.).

Women work the same way, because, like men, they're also people. o. O A unique issue that applies to girls is the social pressure to NOT have sex, and a generalized belief about men that men just want sex, or that the "also" want sex (but that's bad and negative), so, they must say "no." So, maybe she does feel a little insecure about her body and sexuality too, but social pressures & beliefs about men trump her emotional needs in the beginning, until she's comfortable enough with the guy.

[pnl86]

In case it's not crystal clear, the way she may get comfortable enough with the guy is by having her insecurities "comforted" by interacting with him.. and emotionally conclude that she feels "accepted" by him (i. e., "comfort") which will make him feel "comfortable" with him. But, that's like half the battle. That's like, friendship status. You touching someone sexually is a little bit beyond friendship status. I mean, you still NEED comfort, that's a necessary condition, (but insufficient on its own). She still needs to emotionally conclude that she feels "appreciated" by and "attracted" to you before it makes emotional sense for her to "want" you to touch her sexually, and to "want" to let you enjoy her sexually and feel like she's giving you that experience with her. Are you hot? Do you flirt and playfully talk dirty to her and turn her on? Are you fun? Do you know where to get good weed from? What's the "reason" she would want you as more than just someone to talk to?

[pnl86]

After re-reading your post, hearing about her reminds me of this feminist illustrator I was dating. She would read feminist literature. She would be p*ssed off each time she looked at a skyscraper, telling me how architecture was just a mass conspiracy by men to flaunt their dominant and power over women, and how structures are more stable if they're built like a vagina inside the ground instead of like phallic oversized penises. That should have been my cue to go, but I hadn't banged her yet, so until I did, I stuck around because she was pretty hot (plus, I was just curious to see how crazy she really was). Like Oscar Wilde said, “Everything in the world is about sex except sex. Sex is about power.” Well, that's what sex is like for her. Each time she said "no," she felt in control. She relished in her power to deny and say "no," especially to a man, who she felt inferior to and want to prove (mostly to herself) that she was not.

[pnl86]

My point is, you have no idea what's going on in her head. Maybe her father knows what kind of fcuked up psychological problems his little princess has, and has some sympathy for you (after getting a good laugh out of it inside imagining you having to deal with that sh*t lol). Have you ever heard people use the phrase, "tough cookie to crack"? Remember, girls are emotional, and the ego can be one crazy out-of-control ride to get lost on. Guys fall for ego-bait statements too, but women don't even realize how much sucked in they get with themes like, "are you one of those EASY girls, or HARD TO GET and WORTH IT, are you going to JUST GIVE IT TO HIM or are you going to MAKE HIM WAIT so you can see HOW MUCH HE REALLY CARES ABOUT YOU AND WANTS YOU?" We can both go on and on. My point is. A 16 year old girl is figuring herself out emotionally right now. She's may not be "emotionally" ready for things to go there, because if they do, she may feel "negative" about herself as a girl.

[pnl86]

Unfortunately, we don't live in Greece, or France, or Spain, or Italy, or heck.. even Germany or Russia, where people are a lot more open about sexuality (as opposed to "sex"), and the general population doesn't subscribe to these irrationally restrictive and conservative Anglo-Saxon puritanical standards of sexual behavior. But, in the U. S., one of the biggest challenge young girls face is growing up and becoming women (i. e., finding their identity and growing out of childhood and transitioning into adulthood). It's emotionally difficult for girls, because they're bombarded with so much information through the media, because marketers know they make 75+% of purchasing decisions, so they want to feed this emotionally toxic poison to little girls at a young age so that they are constantly "purchasing" and "buying" things to "comfort" their socially-programmed insecurity-generating system of beliefs - regarding anything! It's very difficult.

[pnl86]

So, your job is not to be anyone's therapist. You can't be paid enough to be anyone's therapist. Your job is to pick out which girl is emotionally intelligent and self-aware of herself emotionally to understand how to process the information her environment feeds her, how that information will affect her, how that information will affect her beliefs, and how to constantly examine and question her system of beliefs and the reasoning and truth behind them, and to cope and even change or be open to re-thinking or interpreting slightly differently or modifying or adjusting her already-existing beliefs by understanding the "flaw" in her reasoning as a child (i. e., when those beliefs were originally formed), and how to re-form more healthy beliefs grounded in truth and using her adult reasoning. If you find a person with that kind of emotional discipline and reasoning, the emotional (and sexual) aspect of the relationship is pretty much smooth sailing. She's not there yet.

[Mesonfielde]

Okay, I was unable to properly answer this question as I see into your situation far more than into hers, so I asked an expert who was completely raging about the fact that I didn't understand the situation, but basically the problem is possibly that her taking your hand away is supposed to imply "no", and you trying again implies that you don't care that she doesn't want it which is supposedly disrespectful and also a valid reason for anger and fear, as it has negative implications about what else you could possibly do if you're forcing this on her without her consent.

Technically I just think females have zero clue about the pressure a male person feels when they are hoping to establish a newer level of intimacy into the relationship after having been together for long enough that it's not an unreasonable expectation for you to believe that she would not be against progressing a step further, but apparently people are just too prudish or something and see this as an offense rather than an act of displaying how important they are to you.

... as I said, it was hard for me to see the other side of the equation. Basically, if she wants you not to do something, you should respect it. So if she takes your hand away, don't take it back there.

[Mesonfielde]

Okay, so basically the reason after consulting two of my friends who managed to claim I'm insane for even stating that your behavior was normal and understandable; They said that even though she is your girlfriend, you are overriding her will and disregarding it completely by acting against her desires, which is bad. Basically apply the following logic, even if you did want to be fondled, not necessarily always, and not necessarily anywhere: this scenario is similar to as if you were trying to shove pizza down her throat after having been satiated with food while watching an opera. That's not cool and no wonder she is pissed, considering it is "forceful" and undermining the validity of what she wants. Imagine her disregarding everything and shoving her hands into your pants, while on a public transport in everyone's sight. You probably wouldn't be okay with it. Apply the same scenario to this, and you'll see why she was annoyed. But really, trying more than twice was wrong.

[hsshannah96]

Please research the definition of sexual assault. I don't blame her for being angry! You continued to grab her private areas without her wanting it. She even moved your hand away and you kept trying? sorry I had to. of course she will be infuriated. She may not want to see you again. If she doesn't then sorry pal, it's over. She may be one of those girls, like other people are saying, who wants to have more dates and more time to learn about you before getting intimate. It takes a while into a relationship before learning someone's true colors. Give it another 2-3 months. One year really isn't a ton of time in the grand scheme of things. My uncle and aunt didn't get married until they had been dating for TWO years. She may not want to have sex or be more intimate than kissing for another year or so. If you can't handle that, she might not be the one for you... also, you're only sixteen. she may not want to have sex until she is older and you are older. Remember, any way you have sex, she can become pregnant. DON'T BE SILLY, WRAP YOUR WILLY. This prevents against STDs.

[Emmaloveslillies]

My opinion is that you should wait for at least 2 months before attempting to do it again. Apparently, it takes more bonding for you to be able to do that. Start with neck kisses first; it's a more sensual way to get her more comfortable and stop right at the root of her neck. Once you see her getting heated up, that is when you can grab her breasts and tell her you won't go too far, but you just want to feel them. I guess that is a romantic and non-creepy way of putting it, but please don't go for it too soon.. it will turn her off I guess.

[Anonymous]

You don't "get" your girlfriend to "let" you do anything. You engage in a relationship of mutual pleasure and if she doesn't want her breasts touched, you keep your hands off AND shut-up about it.

You have already sexually assaulted her. She shouldn't let you near her again.

[Dionysos]

If you love her, accept that she doesn't want sex right now.

Actually, accept that no matter what, because both people have to want it for sex to be ok.

Then be nice and romantic and respectful, and tell her how she makes you feel. Tell her she's in charge, and that you respect her limits, but that you want her and you really hope she wants you too

Smile and make a lot of calm happy eye contact while you do that.

[Mesonfielde]

Sex != fondling

[Dionysos]

Sex is in the eye of the beholder. Fondling of girls' breasts is a kind of sexual activity. It's not as advanced as fucking, but it's still a kind of sex. She gets to set limits on that and you get to decide if you'd rather abide by them or leave.

[BertMacklinFBI]

well you never met someone like her because you're 16 d00d, sorry I had to say that lol. anyways, you have to earn her respect MORE. im sure you already have it but if she won't let you touch her breasts then you have to prove it to her over time that you are worthy of her, every part of her, and that you are accepting of her, she then, in turn and in time, will have a mutual respect for you and be more comfortable and understanding with you, and then that is when you two can take things to a new level. its not easy, it takes time and effort for people who want something more.

you have to deal with the fact that she is going to move at her own pace, not yours. if you can't respect that and her boundaries then it's not going to work d00d, and when I say that I mean for you not her.

[Tokana]

1. Its a movie theatre, don't try and get to hot and heavy in there. No boob touching in public.
2. Make the decision as to whether or not you want to stay with her, since you've been dating her for a year now and haven't gotten past 1st base.

[Mesonfielde]

Some people do even more touching in public theatres. Obviously she isn't one who'd be a fan of that, but still.

[Anonymous]

pnl86 and Mesonfielde said some good stuff. Although the extreme stuff about pnl86's ex-girlfriend probably doesn't apply in this case, it probably is true that she doesn't want to be "easy" and she wants to be "worth the wait".

I'd also like to add that she probably felt like a sexual object when you tried to grab her and she wants to be loved for who she is and not for sex.