Holding back during dates? Am I right or wrong for doing so?

I have no problem getting dates with women. I've actually been out on dates with quite a few attractive women. My problem is never getting second dates or having them lose interest. That's because I hold back who I really am during dates, so I believe.

When I'm on dates, I'm the perfect gentlemen. I dress nice, smell good, drive my date to the location, talk to them, make them laugh, pay for everything and then take them home. While, I love being a good guy on dates and being very respectful... that's only half of who I really am.

I'm a sexual person... but I have a hard time conveying my sexual nature to women. I don't want to come off as too touchy feely, rapey or perverted... lol. When I'm on dates with women, a part of me wants to hold their waist while we are walking, hold their hand, put my arm around their shoulder during movies, kiss them under a romantic setting and maybe smack their behind after XD... and then drop them back off at their place and go on a 2nd date eventually. Unfortunately... if I do anything of these things... I feel like a sleezeball, so I don't make any intention of touching a woman during the dates I go on.

Am I wrong for holding back during the date? Am I right for being too respectful and not doing any of those things during the date?

Because I hold back with women, I am still a virgin, never properly kissed a girl and have only hugged women and that's it :/.

Updates:
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I suppose what I am trying to get at is... do women respond better to sexually assertive men?

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Most Helpful Girl

  • Don't hold back! The best date I've ever been to was with a guy who told sexjokes, it was a great icebreaker actually and I laughed so hard. He was a perfect gentleman other than that though and we didn't even kiss until our third date. I'm still seeing him and everything is going great.
    Chances are that she's holding back as well, and wouldn't it be much more comfortable if you were relaxed and could laugh at eachothers jokes and just have a good time? The way I see it is if she doesn't like you for you, she doesn't deserve you. So if you don't get a second date after being yourself it might be a good thing.

    BUT don't overdo it. You can tell a sexjoke, hold her hand (which is really sweet btw) and so on, but the mainfocus should be on getting to know eachother and if you are looking for a relationship you might not only want to talk about sex as it probably seems like you are only interested in getting intoher pants. So stay a gentleman but be yourself, if that makes sense? :)

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What Girls Said 14

  • You need to stop holding back, be who you are.
    The person you described as to what you want to do, my suggestion is for the next date you go on, try it. Be the complete opposite of how you normally act. Touch her, flirt with her, maybe try kissing her when you drop her off. Whats the worst that could happen? You said yourself you never get the second date, so if it fails, then its nothing new, your in the same position you were in before.
    In my opinion, i love it when a guys puts his hand on my lower back and leads me to places when we walk. It shows the guy is dominant. And a kiss at the end is mandatory, even if the date sucked, cause a kiss can change everything.

    Hope that helps.

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  • if you are suppressing your desires you either come off fake, boring, or creepy

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  • From what I am reading it seems like you are doing it right. My kind of guy lol hahaha. Anyways, maybe you haven't found the right girl. Keep being respectful girls should deserve that. I feel like that rare now. You are not wrong just seems like these girls want someone being rude to them lol. Don't change. Keep being respectful and get to know the girl. Eventually you will find her and might actually like the fact that your sexual. Don't give up. There's a lot of girls out there.

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    • So.. you wouldn't want a guy holding your waist as you walk or holding your hand during a date or trying to put his arm around you? I mean... during a first date... to convey interest.

    • Hmm.. Well I like to take things slow. I rather have the guy ask. It's nice when they do. I don't like when they grab my waist when it's the first date and I don't know them. I rather them ask.

  • Let me say this... dates aren't just about the other person. They're about you too. You should be able to enjoy yourself on the date just as much as she should. Should you expect to bang her on the first date? Not necessarily. But it's okay to test the waters to see how far she is willing to go as far as touching and sexual contact.

    P. S. I think most of us really don't like being treated like babies that don't like sex or anything. We don't need you to look after us. If something is bothering us, we'll speak up.

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  • You'll have to open up a bit, no too much but enough to get to know your date... if I'm correct isn't that what dates are for? I wouldn't talk about anything sexual on the first date tho, the fact that you're a sexual person doesn't interfere. If your date brings up sexual topics then go along, If not don't go there. Flirting is ok but get to know your date first before you do that. Women love men that play the man role, stop with the shyness, and take control. Ask questions and leave no gaps in your conversation. Hope this helps!

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  • You're honestly someone I would go on a second date with, because I like that you are showing self control. That's a big plus in my book. I think maybe though, to the girls you go out on dates with it may come off as you don't have very much interest in them since you hold back a little too much. Most of the things you describe wanting to do, that's things that should be on like the 5-6th date when you are much more comfortable with the person and have been able to talk about boundaries and such. I don't think you are holding back too much at all. Being a virgin doesn't mean a bad thing sweetie, wait for a nice girl whom you can give a romantic night to and have that be something to remember.

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    • Maybe try flirting with them a bit more or if you guys go to the movies, ask if you can put your arm around her and do things like that that suggest you are an interest in her and find her attractive in addition to you being this incredible gentleman.

    • I went on a date two girls ago and I wasn't that physical. I made the date fun though and she told me she had fun. Tried texting her... and she is ignoring me now -_-.

    • What kind of girls are you going after or are interested in? Because it can also be the types of girls you date have a specific preference to a certain type of guy.

  • You aren't wrong but they may not know you are interested with how you have been acting on dates. I would say arm around the waste or something similar is a way to show interest without coming off as a sleaze.

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  • a true gentleman is rare these days. are you asking for second dates and getting rejected or assuming you'll get rejected?

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    • A little of both. It's funny... I've been on 2 dates so far. Talking to the women before the date, they seemed really happy and amped up to meet me and go out with me. During the date... they seem like they are having a good time just talking. After I reach out to them after the date, I feel their demeanor towards me change. When I try to reach out to them... they seem less responsive, take longer to respond than they did before the date and seem to not generally care. As a result, I don't ask for a 2nd date. I mean... it's not straight up rejection... but by the way they act after the date, it is rejection. After I stop contacting them, then I never hear from them again.

    • perhaps they feel you are moving too fast? after the first day, if you feeling it going good, dont ask for second one but play it cool. just keep in touch every week or two - like a folow up on their life and if you feel it's safe to proceed, then ask for the 2nd date. do same for third and so on, so forth. good luck.

  • I like guys who are dicks.. It's weird cause SOME girls don't like it.. While others do? I like when they grab my hand but still sweet and kind of take charge (but NOT forcefully) so be a little aggressive.. Most women want to feel protected and like to know her man has BALLS.. So act like it buddy..

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  • For a first date it's extremely important to let the girl know that you're not in it for the sex. So it seems like to me the first date scenarios aren't your problem. It sounds like the aftermath. Do you message her afterwards, and by after I mean the next day? If you don'y continue that communication, everything said and done was all for nothing.

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  • When your on your first date, don't be too touchy, be touchy, but not too much, you got me? Lol like when you see her hug her maybe kiss her, but not on her lips (lips are too soon). Or if you guys are walking hold hands with her!

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  • You shouldn't hold back woman love it when a guy shows a little affection by holding her hand or kissing them good night we find it romantic and feel really good inside. If you hold back we would think that you dont like us or in general are not loving/ caring and therefore move on to another guy who can prob show how they feel

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  • On a date, use small gestures: gently touching her elbow, leading her with your hand on her lower back, when you're at dinner and the conversation is good gently touch her hand (don't hold it but just touch it) small gestures say a lot. Good luck :)

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  • This is a tough one because some women don't like to be touched too much on a date. You should however definitely lean in for a kiss to show your interest. All the touching and hand holding could come across as insincere when that is the last thing you actually mean. I would lean in for a kiss when you feel she is likely to respond. When walking to your car after the date you can then put your hand on her lower back (hand on lower back is scientifically proven to stimulate a lady's sexual parts). I would do it that way. Hope it makes sense and helps.

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What Guys Said 8

  • Yes, always be aggressive, even if you aren't expecting sex on the first date. Smacking the behind is always a good way to get a reaction from them, so you can tell what they really think about you. If they giggle, you're ok, if they slap you.. well, you've saved a lot of time!

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  • You're trying too hard to hold back and be nice, and shooting yourself in the foot.

    Make it clear that you are interested in them physically. Allow her to go first and put your hand on the small of her back as she goes past. Touch her arm to get her attention to hand her a drink or a menu.

    At the end of the date, try for a kiss. You might only get a hug or a peck on the cheek but you have to try, and you should get a kiss by the end of the second if not the first.

    There is nothing to be ashamed of in being sexual! Girls are sexual too! You just need to bear in mind that coming on too strong too soon will be worrying, but if you do nothing then you seem asexual and not interested. I know it sounds like a weird balancing act but it's absolutely true. Even as a guy, a girl who is awfully touchy-feely when I barely know her makes me wonder what her intentions are and makes me defensive.

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  • Sounds like you go to the extreme and act like a nice guy that they could be friends with, as opposed to a nice guy they would consider having sex with. You still have to establish yourself as a sexual being and try a little bit to "get at" her. If you don't try to get in her pants even a little, they'll assume you're not interested or just a nice guy.
    Maybe adding some touching on your dates would help.

    At the same time. If you're holding back who you are, a girl feels when you don't speak up when you're thinking something. Like if you're not giving her the whole story. They might feel like you're just putting on a show and that they have no clue who you are

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  • only a woman can answer that question. but as a guy, I say on your first date... get to know her first... then on the second (because you will get a second) let her get to know you. works for me.

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  • Yeah trust me I use to be the same exact way and once for kicks after several missed opportunities I learned you have to be a little bit edgier about certain topics because the nice guy bullshit gets you treated like bullshit with 99% of women.

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  • This is just my own opinion, but you seem to have too much physical desire there. It's also possible that by trying to control your desires, you appear to be unnatural and not yourself.

    I really don't think being non-aggressive has anything with not getting women. And I also think that being too physical on the first date can seem quite a turn-off.

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  • Depends on the woman. You should ease into it, maybe make a joke about it. Maybe hold her hand, look how she reacts, if she likes it, maybe her knee. Make the initial contacts appear accidental but always check up on her reaction.
    Some girls on the dancefloor actually want you to bump into them.

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  • Just tell them that "the physical part is easy, I want to get to know you first." See how they react.

    I've had this issue all the same.

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