Do what's best for me or relationship until what point?

Our relationship GREAT 2 years 2 months worked out all our problems (typical wash your dishes give me more kisses stuff) with love respect etc

I am applying for med school in June out of the area (I'm ineligible for the nearby school) and was an exotic dancer which I told him day 1. He wanted me to quit so I understood saved a lot of money and quit the job thinking that our relationship was moving forward. Over almost 2 years I didn't work and have spent near all my savings (about 80k) (i work at a hospital getting hours for medical school and take 16-18 units) he says angrily that he'd move with me wherever I got accepted but won't willingly talk to me about it or marriage.

I have given up, happily, many things for this relationship to grow and move forward. If i was engaged I wouldn't worry but I'm not and I have no security. He's amazing don't get me wrong, but after 2 years I need more. I'm considering going back to dancing over winter break between semesters. I have no money I support myself and have time to work 1 day a week.

Should I just do what's best for me? I mean I'll sacrifice but I can't make these sacrifices without a secure relationship and future. What if I get into a All and he decides not to come?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • Always you first. Relationships are fundamentally about trust, but trust has many levels. You need to trust yourself and you need to trust him, and you need to trust in him that he trusts himself and trusts you as well. This is accomplished by two seemingly simple ideas: honesty and communication. If you express your true concerns and true desires in a honest way (here a lot of people fail because they think they are being honest to their partner, but they aren't being honest to THEMSELVES, and sub-sequentially they aren't being honest to their partner either) you may be able to either compromise, or maybe you can discover core values within eachother that are simply not compatible, or perhaps the ones that are. Then you need to ask yourself which values are compromisable and which ones aren't. If he can't understand your needs and isn't willng to work on them, he clearly isn't putting the relationship first, he is putting himself first. And I don't blame him, but you should too.. And who knows, maybe you can both get what you want.

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    • You're like yoda!!! No seriously though, how do I nicely say that I'm going back to work until I'm engaged?

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    • As for engagement and marriage... This could be more complicated, I wouldn't attach the working issue with the marriage issue. Try to keep them separate. If you band them together, then there is a conflict of interest between the idea of him saving you or supporting you, he will see it as if he needs to marry you in order to "save you," you don't want that, you just want him to support your decisions. So make it a separate issue and start working again because you want to start working, and making money again, not because you aren't engaged yet.

      The fact that he is reluctant to speak to you about it means he hasn't really thought about it. You may want to force him to think about it but that is hard to do right. Alternatively, you can tell him where you want/expect to be in "x" amount of years and that you want to be there with him, but only if he wants it too. Then he can decide whether that is what he wants or not. He probably just doesn't know now. But you do know, tell him.

    • If you tell him what you want in the future and ask him how he feels about it, then it is a less daunting task because he has a point of reference. If you just ask him where he wants to be without him knowing where you want to be, then the task becomes more daunting because he hasn't thought about it enough and it is too much to think about all at once, so he will avoid it at all costs. He might want to "talk about it later," but next time you talk about it he won't have an any more satisfying answer than he has now. Letting him know what you want gives him perspective and the answer becomes closed rather than open, it is either yes I want that or something similar, or no I don't want that. You will probably tell right away what he wants by his reactions to what you want. But if you don't give him that, he will be like a chicken with its head cut off.

What Guys Said 1

  • You always do what's best for you always. Be the best version of yourself and your love is suppose to compliment you. :)

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