Should I be worried about him texting his ex and not letting me read them when I ask because it's a violation of trust? Should I snoop anyway?

He and his ex were best friends for a few years, dated for a few years, and then fizzled out because of the long distance and a few other fights. But it was starting to get better right before he broke up with her (half to date me, half because it was a hard relationship). Important note: he /cheated on her/ with me for a day or two and then broke up with her. She went back and forth between telling him "you're awful" and "you're still my best friend" in the months following the breakup (when I was dating him). He's seen her a few times since to hang out together. She started dating around again. They're trying to be friends because they were so close for so long and she's got a rough situation right now. They're still texting. And I'm not expecting him to be completely over her just yet because their breakup as 6 months ago, but I'm expecting him to be decent to me and not make me feel like he's still after her. He's /expressed/ no interest in being with her again. But he texts her despite knowing how nervous it makes me. I asked if I could read the texts once and he was offended that I didn't trust him. I thought a fair compromise would be I won't get upset if he talks to her as long as there's transparency. He thought this was still a huge violation of trust. I understand the desire to remain friends because they were there for each other during the worst parts of their lives, but should I be worried that he doesn't want me to read the texts? Or is he justified in saying it's a violation of trust?

I want to snoop through his phone but that's nearly impossible to get away with. Should I try to do it anyway? I fear if I asked him for it he'd delete things first (I know I clearly don't trust him or her here but i would like to have reason to trust him and feel like seeing they're talking harmlessly would help). He'd be very upset if he knew I did that.

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Updates:
He's very "if it's meant to be it will be" about everything. He applied that to her, too. If he's meant to be with her in the future then it will happen and there's no point in worrying over whether it might be or not because we don't know. I dislike that answer.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • I can understand where you are coming from and why you would be concerned and very uncomfortable with it. Please do also think objectively, though... You did say they were best friends for a few years and dated a few years. You also said it was during hard times for both of them. It sounds to me like they were very close. So they had a good friendship and they want to be okay with each orher and stay friends. Yes, they dated, but you wouldn't want to throw away a friendship like that... you'd want to get back to a place of being friends again, like things were before. It doesn't sound weird to me that they still talk. When you expressed that it made you feel uncomfortable, he should've strongly assured you that there's nothing going on between them. Did he do that? You did say he expressed no interest in her, but I don't think you mentioned if he really reassured you.
    About how he acted when you asked to read his texts: he shouldn't have anything to hide. But it's the principle that would bother me, if it were me. I like complete honesty in a relationship and I'd have nothing to hide, but if a girlfriend asked me to let her read my texts, I would be very much offended. If she was uncomfortable, I would assure her it's nothing and let her know what is going on. But it's the fact that she would even ask that. I'm trying to stay friends with someone that was a close friend to me for so long, and my girlfriend is making it harder and not trusting me, especially after reassuring her? I shouldn't have to show her texts, not that I mind her seeing. And especially when the girl is in a rough situation and he wants to be there for his friend? Yes, I know how uncomfortable it can be because it's his ex, but... If there is something there, then something will happen and could be a problem later and it's just not going to work no matter what. But if there isn't and you don't trust him, the lack of trust could unneccessarily ruin it, anyway.

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    • I'm not judging or trying to talk badly or anything. I'm only trying to help you consider how he might see it. I think it might be something you just have to trust him about, and if you can't... it might be better (for you as well as him) to reconsider how your relationship. If there is something between them, then there is something between them and it won't work out for you either way, whether they keep talking or not. But if there isn't, it would be a shame to lose your relationship to paranoia and distrust. I know you are in a rough position... But do you understand what Inam trying to get at?

    • Yes, thank you. Please see the update. He isn't good about reassuring me about it because of his approach to the future.

What Guys Said 5

  • On the fence with this as if he has nothing to hide he should trust u enough to show u and if he loves u he should want to put your mind at ease by showing u. Because u know he cheated on her with u then you will always have trust issues simply because if how u both git together and u know he is capable of cheating on his so called best mate. Just ask him again and if he won't let u see then just be extra wary of him but snooping is wrong as u may get caught and there may not be anything bad in the messages so u will lose him because u snooped and found nothing and then wish u just trusted him! Gut feeling is usually right so if u feel something is wrong then go with it and just be wary for now. If he is cheating or sending dirty messages or something then he will slip up eventually.

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  • 1. It's a violation of trust for you to snoop through his phone, but it's not a violation to ask to see it.

    2. You need to trust him if you want it to work. But in your situation it makes sense to feel the way you do.

    What you should do is tell him that his friendship right now just makes you uncomfortable, because it's only been a short time since they broke up. You can also ask that he break contact with her for awhile. I'm assuming they've been talking ever since they broke up and never really had any extended time apart.
    But yea, you cannot tell him what to do but you can express how you feel and Ask him to do that for you. But snooping through his phone is a bad idea

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  • I think trust him enough u should not snoop especially if its phone cause that will just make any guy mad but he did cheat on her with u so its your call.

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  • Just break up. You don't trust him, so why are you with him?

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  • Yeah, snoop through his phone... great way to earn trust -_-

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    • Does he deserve trust? Thats the question. Put yourself in her shoes. Would you tolerate your gf hiding texts from you that she has going on with her ex?

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    • He cheated on his ex with her. Should prove you that he is not somebody to trust in the first place

    • All people deserve trust. But, it's earned, not given

What Girls Said 4

  • This is why I never support staying friends with an ex.

    and it is why I never stay friends with my ex.

    Nothing good comes from it no matter how innocent you try to make it. Especially with how much history they've had together.

    Not to mention a reg flag... he cheated on her with you. That means he already broke someone's trust. I'd never date a guy who's cheating.

    Seriously though, If he has nothing to hide, why can't you read the texts. I doubt they are planning a surprise party for you. This is what is really comes down to. If there is nothing to hide, nothing at all, then where's the harm in you reading the texts?

    He feels like you asking to read them violates trust? Well, by acting this way, he's giving you a pretty damn good reason to suspect something.

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  • First of all, its disrespectful towards you to still keep contact with his ex. Closely. The rudest part about it tho is that he is hiding the chat from you.

    Trust is good and all that but sometimes control is better and necessary like in your case. I'd bring him to show me or i'd just snoop into his phone. He is wrong for still texting his ex. Not you

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  • All I know is, if my ex and I started talking again, and my boyfriend wanted to see the texts, the only reason fathomable for me to refuse him the allowance of looking at our conversation would be if I had something to hide. But that's just me. Maybe some people would refuse even if they had nothing to hide, just because they like their privacy.

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  • If he's hiding ANYTHING from, you cannot trust him and he doesn't deserve you. If you don't have trust or honesty, you have nothing. Leave him. You deserve better.

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