He and his ex were best friends for a few years, dated for a few years, and then fizzled out because of the long distance and a few other fights. But it was starting to get better right before he broke up with her (half to date me, half because it was a hard relationship). Important note: he /cheated on her/ with me for a day or two and then broke up with her. She went back and forth between telling him "you're awful" and "you're still my best friend" in the months following the breakup (when I was dating him). He's seen her a few times since to hang out together. She started dating around again. They're trying to be friends because they were so close for so long and she's got a rough situation right now. They're still texting. And I'm not expecting him to be completely over her just yet because their breakup as 6 months ago, but I'm expecting him to be decent to me and not make me feel like he's still after her. He's /expressed/ no interest in being with her again. But he texts her despite knowing how nervous it makes me. I asked if I could read the texts once and he was offended that I didn't trust him. I thought a fair compromise would be I won't get upset if he talks to her as long as there's transparency. He thought this was still a huge violation of trust. I understand the desire to remain friends because they were there for each other during the worst parts of their lives, but should I be worried that he doesn't want me to read the texts? Or is he justified in saying it's a violation of trust?
I want to snoop through his phone but that's nearly impossible to get away with. Should I try to do it anyway? I fear if I asked him for it he'd delete things first (I know I clearly don't trust him or her here but i would like to have reason to trust him and feel like seeing they're talking harmlessly would help). He'd be very upset if he knew I did that.
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I can understand where you are coming from and why you would be concerned and very uncomfortable with it. Please do also think objectively, though... You did say they were best friends for a few years and dated a few years. You also said it was during hard times for both of them. It sounds to me like they were very close. So they had a good friendship and they want to be okay with each orher and stay friends. Yes, they dated, but you wouldn't want to throw away a friendship like that... you'd want to get back to a place of being friends again, like things were before. It doesn't sound weird to me that they still talk. When you expressed that it made you feel uncomfortable, he should've strongly assured you that there's nothing going on between them. Did he do that? You did say he expressed no interest in her, but I don't think you mentioned if he really reassured you.
About how he acted when you asked to read his texts: he shouldn't have anything to hide. But it's the principle that would bother me, if it were me. I like complete honesty in a relationship and I'd have nothing to hide, but if a girlfriend asked me to let her read my texts, I would be very much offended. If she was uncomfortable, I would assure her it's nothing and let her know what is going on. But it's the fact that she would even ask that. I'm trying to stay friends with someone that was a close friend to me for so long, and my girlfriend is making it harder and not trusting me, especially after reassuring her? I shouldn't have to show her texts, not that I mind her seeing. And especially when the girl is in a rough situation and he wants to be there for his friend? Yes, I know how uncomfortable it can be because it's his ex, but... If there is something there, then something will happen and could be a problem later and it's just not going to work no matter what. But if there isn't and you don't trust him, the lack of trust could unneccessarily ruin it, anyway.0